SouthernSunshine Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I promised my child that I will stop yelling at her. I grew up with a very loud, intimidating step dad that yelled all the time unless he was stoned. I know how it feels to be startled by sudden yelling commands. It's really bad. It just gets very irritating when my kid asks me for something a hundred times after I've told her NO. It's like she can't hear me, when I know that's not the case! I believe that if I have to yell at my kid, I've lost the control. Thoughts??
bentnotbroken Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I would be impossible to comment on whether you have lost control or not. Only you know how you are feeling while yelling. I yell. I am loud by nature. My kids are so used to it they mimic me. My oldest isn't a yeller, but my youngest...oh my! I am neither mad or furstrated...now. I am more in tune with my emotions and I am good with the yelling. What ever works for you and your daughter is best.
fooled once Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I promised my child that I will stop yelling at her. I grew up with a very loud, intimidating step dad that yelled all the time unless he was stoned. I know how it feels to be startled by sudden yelling commands. It's really bad. It just gets very irritating when my kid asks me for something a hundred times after I've told her NO. It's like she can't hear me, when I know that's not the case! I believe that if I have to yell at my kid, I've lost the control. Thoughts?? Possibly - it could be a signal that you have lost control. I have only read this initial post, so forgive me if I am repeating what you have posted or someone else has posted. I think it is time to sit down with your D and let her know you will NOT be repeating yourself. You will repeat yourself ONCE -- after that, you will count to 3 - if you get to 3, she gets disciplined. That could mean: Timeout (1 minute per age) Going to bed 30 minutes earlier for each instance where she didn't listen Chores - sweeping the kitchen floor, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning up dog poop, pulling weeds, etc. My all time favorite --- I would make my S write me a 1-3 paragraph paper on why he needs to listen and what consequence HE should get for not listening. Now...off to read the rest of this thread
mishkers Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I gotta say, I'm a yeller by nature as well as the other poster. I tend to be loud. I do not feel as though I have lost control when I do it though. I think that is the difference. If you are feeling out of control, then it is the loss of control that is the problem and not the volume of your voice. I can tell the difference in myself. If I feel I am loosing control I just shut down for a moment and reboot. I go to the bathroom and close the door (and my eyes so I don't see the fingers under the door) and take a few deep breaths. If that's not possible, I just tune everything out and think to myself for a minute. When I come back, I'm still yelling, but it makes sense and has a purpose.
Eve Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I can only suggest that you consciously stop saying 'no' and instead discuss things in an age appropriate way with your little one. In other words, aim for a long term practice that will be beneficial to her. For example, I raised my children to think that no toy or whatever was out of reach for them. All I asked for was a reason towards the usefulness of whatever they wanted. .. Obviously many of their responses were just simply too funny! I also do this when we are not in agreement. So, I will rarely answer in the heat of the moment but instead say that I want us to talk about .. whatever at a specific time and that they need to consider what they want to say. All in all, I would say that you are in an important stage with your girl and it is vital that she is able to express herself, especially when in conflict. Only problem with this approach is that they can eventually out smart you and bring aspects of your character into question. Which for some is too much of a challenge. Take time with her. Take time with yourself. Take care, Eve xx
turnera Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 If she asks you 100 times for something, what you are doing is NOT working. Find a better way. Get down on her level; look her in the eyes. Say "I know you want ABC but I feel it's not right for you to have it. Explain to me why you need it and I will consider it." That puts the onus back on her to be creative and think, rather than just continuing this circular, unproductive and stressful dance.
Scrybe Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Just 2 comments: 1. In my experience the more you yell at kids the more desensitived they are to it. So you have to yell louder and more often to get heard. I'm also from a family of yellers. When I found myself as a single dad with a toddler years ago I was shocked to see myself screaming at him one night. I changed tactics. When I got angry I spoke softly to him instead. It worked and still works. He's 10 and when I speak very softly and quietly to him in a low voice he knows that he's messed up. I only yell to prevent someone getting hurt or to get their attention right away. I yell so rarely that it works when I need it to. #2) I read somewhere a trick used to gradually change your negative behavior towards your kids over time (yelling, sarcasm, cursing, etc.). When they do something annoying immediately list 3-5 things that you really, really love about them in your head. Take a deep breath. This only should take a second or too. Take another look at them then speak. Like I said...I don't yell at my son but sometimes I can be sarcastic or short with him. I started doing this a few weeks ago and it's definitely helping.
Tayla Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 I was pleased to read some of the positive responses to a less then pleasant scenario. Eve, lovely words followed by encouraging self regard. Beautifully stated! Tunera- Sweet and to the point! Scrybe- Enjoyed your perspective in the stages of parenting. Keep doing what your doing! You're doing a good job ! To the poster- Yes its easier to raise a voice then raise a child. Just as its easier for some to raise a hand then a child. I cannot add to the wonderful suggestions given here, only concur with them that a change in stance, a step back to their perspective and a chance to let them think for themselves is indeed *raising* them in a manner of love and discipline.
SarahRose Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 I hear parents screaming and cussing at the kids all the time. It makes me cringe. It was funny when I saw a car for sale at someone's house and some teen answered it and then he started yelling and swearing and the dad was yelling and swearing right back. I was thinking the nut doesn't fall far from the tree. By your yelling, you are teaching them how to act. Kids are frustrating little turds and I am not sure why people still have them. As for you yelling. Have you noticed it really doesn't work otherwise you wouldn't have to keep doing it? Kids who are whiny usually have way too much idle time on their hands. They need some chores and physical hobbies to keep them busy and wear them out. Or when all else fails, you can do like a mama cat and put them on their back and bite their necks until they knock it off.
Meaplus3 Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 As a mom of three children.. who now are at the ages.. to talk back, I can see how very easy it can be to want to yell and scream at times.. but I don't. I keep a level head.. bite my lip.. Give them a time out by sending them to their room.. to make them think about their actions. It's far more effective then flying off the handle. Mea:)
Author SouthernSunshine Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 I'm happy to say that I've been doing so well by no longer raising my voice! My daughter actually listens to me now. We enjoy communicating again. I realize that she just wanted my attention, more of my attention.
turnera Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Yay! Do you ever watch SuperNanny? I love that show! And I learn so much, even though mine is grown.
Eve Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I'm happy to say that I've been doing so well by no longer raising my voice! My daughter actually listens to me now. We enjoy communicating again. I realize that she just wanted my attention, more of my attention. Cool! Glad to hear.. Take care, Eve xx
k35 Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 #2) I read somewhere a trick used to gradually change your negative behavior towards your kids over time (yelling, sarcasm, cursing, etc.). When they do something annoying immediately list 3-5 things that you really, really love about them in your head. Take a deep breath. This only should take a second or too. Take another look at them then speak. That is a good idea I am going to try that. Thanks:) Like I said...I don't yell at my son but sometimes I can be sarcastic or short with him. I started doing this a few weeks ago and it's definitely helping. And good for you if it is working for you then that is great!!!!
shmagazine Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Cool! I'm glad that a mother like you accept your own faults and is open to correct their mistakes. Yelling to kids doesn't really work at all nor did produce a positive results to children. But instead of promising never to get angry (or yelling) again, I suggest that it would be best if you start talking with your children about your feelings, telling them why you're upset. I believe it is the key to stopping the transmission of bad vibes within the household. If you truly wish to succeed at being in the best shape of your life, indulge yourself by reading Self Help Articles online with topics about Parenting.
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