loveandrockets Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Staying together because we have an 8 year old daughter. But it's gone from bad to intolerable. She interrupts me at work all the time, and I had to tell my admin assistant to just put her into voicemail. My assistant thinks my wife is crazy, and it's created some embarrassing situations at work. I get to telecommute 2 days a week, and that might be going to 3 soon. At first, I was looking forward to this, because I commute about 35 miles/65 minutes each way everyday. But my wife, who works part-time and does have something of a life of her own, constantly barges into my home office if she's in the house, and will knock urgently on my door while I'm on calls. When I get off, the "urgent" matter is usually something like she needs me to pick up dry cleaning. I get stunned that I get off a business call just to be told this. When my daughter's home, she has to remind my wife that I'm working. And lately it's gotten worse because she's doesn't just tell me what needs to be done, she screams if something's not done. The other day I went to bed and forgot to unload the dishwasher "like she had asked". The next day at 10:30 in the morning I had to stop what I was working on - a report about one of our new products that my boss needed by close of business that day - to hear her rant at the top of the lungs about dishes and 15 other things. We haven't had sex in years, and we mostly have our own set of friends, we're beyond any of those issues. We did have some old friends visit a few weekends ago, who I met through her, and they took me out for drinks while my wife took their son and my daughter to a movie, and they could not stop telling me what an incredible nag she had become. I never wanted my daughter to grow up in a broken home. I grew up with a lot of kids in high school who had divorced parents, and they always seemed to have more issues, especially the girls. But now it looks like that's what I'll offer my daughter.
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Well...it sure beats the alternative. Your home is already 'broken', isn't it?
PandorasBox Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I've heard this phrase before, "I would rather come from a broken home, than remain in a broken home." I think some people feel divorce would be more hurtful and damaging to a child, However IMO staying is, it teaches kids this is how you deal with unhappiness, you just stay and put up with whatever. Kids learn what they hear and see. I look back over the years at my own parents situation and I wished they would have divorced, even as a child/teen I knew their situation wasn't healthy. I think I was affected more by them remaining together. But that's just me.
amerikajin Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Get a divorce. Your wife is one of those people who can only see the world from her own perspective and completely lacks sympathy for anyone else -- especially a male perspective. Your wife probably thinks that you're a male pig and that she's a "victim" of patriarchy (i.e., typical modern feminist mentality). Divorce and let her start working for a living. The only thing is, be prepared to lose custody of your kids and be prepared for your wife to be a completely bitter and vindictive witch. You might want to at least wait until you've figured out how you can get out of this while cutting your losses. Don't expect to get out of this cleanly.
sugarbritches Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Think about this, if your daughter was married and came to you telling you that she wasn't happy with her husband, what would you tell her to do? I feel it is worse for her to be around unhappy parents. She needs to be loved, you can do that from your own house. I also think it is harder on teenagers then it is on younger children.
blair08 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 You probably need to weigh your options. Does possibly having custody issues with your wife about your daughter (which may or may not happen) outweigh that of your wife banging on the door, interrupting your work, listening to her constant nagging about this and that, and no sex outweigh that of getting a divorce?
carhill Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 OP, my suggestion, and IMO this can help on multiple fronts. Take some time and money and get yourself some individual psychological counseling. You can learn tools to change *you* and how *you* react to this current marital environment. If you are to recover the M or to D, IMO what you will learn will help *you*. Try something different. What's going on now is apparently unhealthy. Get started today
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Is your wife bi polar or have ADD? Just wondering if she has a medical condition.. Something is wrong with her and she needs help. Her moods, the way she treats you, having no respect for you while you work at home and her attitude that she is more important at that moment than what you're doing. How long has she been this way? Obviously it's gotten worse as the years have gone by.. The mood and energy at home isn't healthy, and your daughter isn't stupid, she knows mom is unwell. The dynamic between you and your wife, no sex, no intimacy, you both live separate lives under the same roof IS doing damage to your daughter. A divorce might be a relief - For everyone.
Stung Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Your home life, as it stands, does not sound like a healthy environment for your child. Why is this necessarily superior to divorce? Your wife sounds like she might be somehow disordered if she is truly as over-the-top as you say, but as a general rule women usually 'nag' when they are unhappy and having a hard time making themselves truly heard. It sounds like neither of you feel your needs are being met and there is a lot of resentment brewing. Things can't go on as they are; you need to either try serious marital counseling so you two can learn to listen to and support each other again, or separate. Perhaps individual counseling as well, as Carhill suggested.
fit Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 We haven't had sex in years If this cant be fixed to your satisfaction than nothing else in the marriage will work. Get a divorce.
2sunny Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 where's your boundary? set some guidelines for her and if she doesn't follow - tell her she's out. her behavior is totally unreasonable... yet YOU tolerate it or even more wimpy - you avoid it. pretending it isn't so doesn't change things. do something. set the rules. if she doesn't abide by your guidelines of decency... there's no reason to go further. WHY haven't you had sex in years? this seems unreasonable for a healthy marriage as well... can you enlighten me?
SouthernSunshine Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 It sounds like she is purposely trying to annoy you. Nagging could be her way of getting attention from you. If she feels ignored, or sexually neglected she may be jealous of your time spent on work. Or she has grown to dislike you so much that she gets off on making you uncomfortable or mad. Communication is key, but if you can't have that then divorce is definitely in your future. Happy parents are better than a marriage of misery enjoying company. Good luck!
stellaluna Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Stop complaining and just leave already. Why in the world would anyone settle for such a miserable life? No sex, constant nagging- NO WONDER GUYS DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED.
Lizzie60 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I think that, in your case, your daughter will be happier with happier divorced parents. I can see where a married couple don't have sex, that the husband has an affair.. they don't argue.. play 'nice' in front of the kids.. don't love each other anymore.. but are 'great friends' ... good parents.. THEN I can understand that the children might not see anything out of the ordinary at home.. and be happy... but the parents have to be civilized.. at least in front of the kids..
LovieDove24 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Its interesting because the other thread you started "Staying together for the kids" you said it was because of your son, not your daughter...I think you are a liar mister.
BB07 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 "Broken" ....it's already broken and you are doing a lot of damage to your daughter already. Don't fool yourself by pretending that you aren't, just because you haven't divorced. No child should have to play referee to her parents. Either get yourself into some counseling, IC or MC or both and fix it or get a divorce. You do have choices.
PandorasBox Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Its interesting because the other thread you started "Staying together for the kids" you said it was because of your son, not your daughter...I think you are a liar mister. I noticed that to.
AVR1962 Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 When you say your wife is constantly interrupting you I think of some marriages I know that there is communication all day even when both are at work and I do find that odd but what I wonder from your original post is that you are not available to your wife. if you are looking forward to more time at work and working at home too, somewhere along the way in your marriage this always working and never spending time together, and getting upset when she does try to contact you became a problem.....hince her moving on with different friends (women seek female friendships partly for support). It doesn't matter what the people at work think. My husband is a nerd and I am sometimes embarrassed by the jokes he makes that he thinks are funny and no one else laughs at becuase some of his social skills aren't real polished.....I have no doubt people have talked, people talk regardless. I think you need to seriously look at joint counseling. I think it is commendable to try and save the marriage for the sake of the child but don't let that be your only reason.
DaisyLeigh Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Stop complaining and just leave already. Why in the world would anyone settle for such a miserable life? No sex, constant nagging- NO WONDER GUYS DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED. But, in some cases, the guys cause the nagging and no sex, not the woman. It is not all the woman's fault, ALL of the time.
PandorasBox Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 But, in some cases, the guys cause the nagging and no sex, not the woman. It is not all the woman's fault, ALL of the time. Unfortunatley some people don't get this. They just see it as a woman nagging and doesn't want to have sex. They never see, that other people can be a contributing factor for why something might be the way it is. Usually there is a bigger picture and more too it.
Hot Carl Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 where's your boundary? set some guidelines for her and if she doesn't follow - tell her she's out. her behavior is totally unreasonable... yet YOU tolerate it or even more wimpy - you avoid it. pretending it isn't so doesn't change things. do something. set the rules. if she doesn't abide by your guidelines of decency... there's no reason to go further. WHY haven't you had sex in years? this seems unreasonable for a healthy marriage as well... can you enlighten me? This I agree with. If we go along with the original (somewhat whiny) post, we'd have to believe the wife is a thoughtless demon and the husband is a downtrodden saint. There are two sides to every story, and it would be interesting to hear hers. Not that that would change my conclusion: based on the personality types of these two the marriage should probably be traded in for a nice divorce.
FindingE Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 It sounds like you are both miserable, and your daughter (or son) probably is too. If done civilly and with your child's interests put first - a divorce would probably equal more happiness for everyone, and the chance for both you and your wife to move on to find people you are much more compatible with - more happiness. I am in a similar situation myself, except my husband is lazy and oblivious. I don't love him anymore, we fight more and more, the split is inevitable, except he is unemployed and would have nowhere to go, so we are waiting until he gets a decent job to initiate the splitting process. Everyone will be much happier and I believe we will both be able to be better parents once we are doing it separately.
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