rainUK Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 My husband admitted to having and affair(for about 7 months ) that occured last year 2008-2009. I love him and want to work through this --I feel that he is going through a rough time and will come out of this "fog" that I think he is in. I suspect that he is still in touch with her but i don't think he is "having a physical affair " anymore. Since about 2 months after the affair was admitted we have not really had sex. He says he just doesn't have any "urges" he says he still loves me. Anyways I have gained weight over the years but i have been doing weight watchers and have lost over one stone!! He will have been away for about 2 months on work and he has not seen me. Do you think if he has sex with me do you think its because of the weight that i have lost making me more attractive --and thus not tempted anymore to be in touch with this woman. I had asked him a while back if he missed her (the mistress) and he said everyday. But he is still living here and i think that says something. I guess i want to know is it more than just the weight or will it make a difference.
hopesndreams Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 But he is still living here and i think that says something. Yeah, it says you will put up with his cake-eating. Losing weight isn't the issue here. He misses his mistress everyday, that's the issue. Your head is so far into the sand, what would it take for you to get your head out of it? What horrible, disgusting things have you done in your life to make you think you deserve to live this way?
Ronni_W Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Hugs, rain. *IF* it had anything to do with your weight gain, he still did not handle things properly. That is, you are not responsible, in any way, for his bad choices. Don't let him tell you that he had an affair because you did or did not do something; and don't tell yourself that. It would be inaccurate and untrue. If, when he gets back, he is ready to resume a sexual relationship with you, it can also just be that he has had time to reflect while he was away and has arrived at new conclusions and made new decisions. Ask him about it; hold him accountable for his own stuff. There is no need for you to guess, assume and take responsibility for what rightly and appropriately belongs only to him. If you'd like to lose more weight, do it only for you; to make yourself feel good about you. To make physical changes with hope or expectation that it will influence somebody else's perception, behaviour, desire, feelings, etc., can often lead to just setting-up oneself for disappointment and decreased self-esteem. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this.
bittersweet memories Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 (edited) My husband admitted to having and affair(for about 7 months ) that occured last year 2008-2009. I love him and want to work through this --I feel that he is going through a rough time and will come out of this "fog" that I think he is in. I suspect that he is still in touch with her but i don't think he is "having a physical affair " anymore. Since about 2 months after the affair was admitted we have not really had sex. He says he just doesn't have any "urges" he says he still loves me. Anyways I have gained weight over the years but i have been doing weight watchers and have lost over one stone!! He will have been away for about 2 months on work and he has not seen me. Do you think if he has sex with me do you think its because of the weight that i have lost making me more attractive --and thus not tempted anymore to be in touch with this woman. I had asked him a while back if he missed her (the mistress) and he said everyday. But he is still living here and i think that says something. I guess i want to know is it more than just the weight or will it make a difference. Dang Girl! Get some self respect and boot this piece of $hit to the curb. Why are you putting up with this? What were the consequences to his affair? I believe he's there because he's a cake-eater and you will put up with it. I have no doubt he's still with the OW and that is why he's not having sex with you. Sorry to be harsh here.. You deserve so much better...the best revenge you can give him is to move on, loose the rest of your weight, focuse on you and look fabulous. Don't give him the time of day. Screw him!! Sorry don't mean that literally! You know what I mean... Edited June 16, 2010 by bittersweet memories 1
Dexter Morgan Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 My husband admitted to having and affair(for about 7 months ) that occured last year 2008-2009. I love him and want to work through this --I feel that he is going through a rough time and will come out of this "fog" that I think he is in. I suspect that he is still in touch with her but i don't think he is "having a physical affair " anymore. Since about 2 months after the affair was admitted we have not really had sex. He says he just doesn't have any "urges" he says he still loves me. Anyways I have gained weight over the years but i have been doing weight watchers and have lost over one stone!! He will have been away for about 2 months on work and he has not seen me. Do you think if he has sex with me do you think its because of the weight that i have lost making me more attractive --and thus not tempted anymore to be in touch with this woman. I had asked him a while back if he missed her (the mistress) and he said everyday. But he is still living here and i think that says something. I guess i want to know is it more than just the weight or will it make a difference. nothing will make a difference with a cheater. If he has sex with you and dumps his mistress, it will be for purely superficial reasons. i say bulls##t. you lose weight for you...for you to feel good about himself. Not to keep a miserable bastard from cheating. I say divorce the pr!ck and give your newfound hot body to some other guy, one that deserves it.
pureinheart Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 nothing will make a difference with a cheater. If he has sex with you and dumps his mistress, it will be for purely superficial reasons. i say bulls##t. you lose weight for you...for you to feel good about himself. Not to keep a miserable bastard from cheating. I say divorce the pr!ck and give your newfound hot body to some other guy, one that deserves it. This to be the key here (bold)...who's to say in which direction "he" will go...you pick your direction and take authority over "YOUR" life...when you get your mind detached from his actions and more focused on your own, I bet your life will turn a 180 ((((((((hugs Rain;))))))))))
Dexter Morgan Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 This to be the key here (bold)...who's to say in which direction "he" will go...you pick your direction and take authority over "YOUR" life...when you get your mind detached from his actions and more focused on your own, I bet your life will turn a 180 ((((((((hugs Rain;)))))))))) and sorry, that bolded part I meant to say "for you to feel good about YOURSELF"...not himself.
Ariadne Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Hi, I'm sure losing all this weight will make you more attractive to him. Sometimes affairs serve to shape up a marriage. I think it's great that you are giving him a chance and are trying to work things out with him. Keep it up and good luck! I hope he finds you amazing when he sees you!
Dexter Morgan Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Hi, I'm sure losing all this weight will make you more attractive to him. Sometimes affairs serve to shape up a marriage. yup, its pretty much blackmail to get a spouse to act and look as you want. Its called emotional extortion. Keep it up and good luck! I hope he finds you amazing when he sees you! ya, and if she ever gains weight again? if its all about looks for someone, then "love" was never a part of their relationship.
Ariadne Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 yup, its pretty much blackmail to get a spouse to act and look as you want. Its called emotional extortion. ya, and if she ever gains weight again? if its all about looks for someone, then "love" was never a part of their relationship. Well, I don't believe in the advice where a husband cheats on the wife he's been married to for many years... And the advice is, dump him!!! I think her approach is the best in this case and hope she can work it out.
laRubiaBonita Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Just because you have gained some weight, that is not an excuse for him to have an affair! You weight gain is NOT the reason! There are a lot of couples where one or the other gains some weight, and they don't deal with it by cheating. So- if you lose weight, will the affair stop? Unfortuately, I doubt it. i agree with this
laRubiaBonita Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I'd like to hear more about your mommy. i think you are on the wrong forum
2sunny Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 If i lose weight will it stop the affair? no - it won't stop the affair. only he can stop it.
Fight4Me Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 His A, ongoing or not, has everything to do with his own shortcomings, and nothing to do with you. People who are ignorant of the dynamics of infidelity are very quick to point out that there must be something wrong with the BS for the WS to have done what he did. Or that if the BS would just work harder on their looks, on their personality, on their (fill in the blanks), then the WS will come tumbling magically back in their life and all will be well, just like before. In truth, it is the WS who needs to shed the extra weight of greed and selfishness, the morbid obesity of cruelty and disrespect, before they should ever expect the privilege of their BS's love again. To give you some perspective, I was/am 5'7", size 4, amply proportioned, with a great sense of humor and laid back attitude. (please understand, I'm not suggesting I'm anywhere near perfect, just want you to truly grasp what I'm trying to say) Yet, here I stand within the ranks of the betrayed. The only reason why we are successfully reconciling today is because my fWH fought and clawed his way back into the marriage by taking a good hard look at himself in the mirror, and accepting full responsibility for the A. He had to wrestle with himself and God, and he came out a better man for it. When a BS takes ownership of a WS's problems, they rob them of the opportunity to change for the better, and then they rob themselves of self respect. Ultimately, any pre-existing A issues within the marriage can't properly be addressed. Get healthy... mentally, physically, and spiritually. Then you will be in fighting form, regardless of what your WH thinks or does.
fooled once Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Well, I don't believe in the advice where a husband cheats on the wife he's been married to for many years... And the advice is, dump him!!! I think her approach is the best in this case and hope she can work it out. That's okay that YOUR okay with staying in a marriage where there is infidelity. But for many people, cheating is a non-negotiable. Many don't want to be with a cheater, especially when he admits to missing the mistress while staying in the marriage. That is a huge slap in the face to the wife. Many couple DO work through an affair. But I guarantee it takes a ton of work and many times, the cheater doesn't 'feel like' putting the work into it. I don't think the OP should blame HERSELF or her weight gain for his willy going searching for a new hole. It is NEVER the fault of the BS for the cheater cheating. Could her weight gain make her less attractive to her spouse? Possibly - but that is on HIM to communicate that to her and not in the way of "I only want a wife who weights 110 lbs - not 145 lbs". Sometimes, weight is out of a person's control.
Author rainUK Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 thank you for all your replies--I do think losing the weight will make me feel better(its not that I am comparing her to me as I have never seen her) . I do think I have to take some responsibility for his lack of desire though as I think I have not wanted to participate as i was a bit embarrassed about the extra weight. Everyone looks and feels better without the extra cargo I suppose. At least this has motivated me in that department-- perhaps he will see some of the younger thinner woman he married 20 years ago when he gets home. He will have been away 8 weeks and i will be hopefully down 0ver 20 pound by then and he must be ready for some type of "body : by now being a guy--at least we would cuddle the odd time and he has not had that I guess. I will get over the thought that he has met up with "her " one day while away from home. ONe never knows but i have to start trusting I guess
TinaniT Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 thank you for all your replies--I do think losing the weight will make me feel better(its not that I am comparing her to me as I have never seen her) . I do think I have to take some responsibility for his lack of desire though as I think I have not wanted to participate as i was a bit embarrassed about the extra weight. Everyone looks and feels better without the extra cargo I suppose. At least this has motivated me in that department-- perhaps he will see some of the younger thinner woman he married 20 years ago when he gets home. He will have been away 8 weeks and i will be hopefully down 0ver 20 pound by then and he must be ready for some type of "body : by now being a guy--at least we would cuddle the odd time and he has not had that I guess. I will get over the thought that he has met up with "her " one day while away from home. ONe never knows but i have to start trusting I guess I don't think you can blame yourself for the affair, but I ran to this thread and because you are talking about losing weight, I just wanted to let you know if you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer. I am a certified personal trainer and am a nutritional sciences major. I haven't been working in a while but it really doesn't change too much.
jj33 Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Oh Rain a big hug to you. Dont fall into this trap of thinking it is you. The W of the man I was involved with was celebrated for being thin and chic. I am overweight. The weight wasnt the issue. As you say you will feel better about you when you get rid of hte extra cargo but we are socialized to think that being overweight somehow makes us less deserving and that men are so visual that they are entitled to seek outside companionship if you gain weight. Thats not right. Whatever you weigh, when he gets home you need to sit down and talk to him about the situation. Whatever your weight you can be beautiful and sexy. Its all in how you feel about yourself (easier said than done I know). I see clothes in a size 20 that are flowery with bold prints (or bright red and stretchy) and think WHY WHY do they make these things in a size 20? (let alone a size 20 petite). Noone over a size 12 or 14 should think of wearing these things. But there are some women who will wear these clothes with pride because they feel sexy and desireable no matter what they weigh. Talk to him when he gets home regardless of what you weigh you dont deserve to put up with an affair. Take good care
White Flower Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 My husband admitted to having and affair(for about 7 months ) that occured last year 2008-2009. I love him and want to work through this --I feel that he is going through a rough time and will come out of this "fog" that I think he is in. I suspect that he is still in touch with her but i don't think he is "having a physical affair " anymore. Since about 2 months after the affair was admitted we have not really had sex. He says he just doesn't have any "urges" he says he still loves me. Anyways I have gained weight over the years but i have been doing weight watchers and have lost over one stone!! He will have been away for about 2 months on work and he has not seen me. Do you think if he has sex with me do you think its because of the weight that i have lost making me more attractive --and thus not tempted anymore to be in touch with this woman. I had asked him a while back if he missed her (the mistress) and he said everyday. But he is still living here and i think that says something. I guess i want to know is it more than just the weight or will it make a difference. Wow, a lot going on here. In answer to the bolded question; it only matters what your H is most attracted to. Some men just prefer larger, more voluptuous women. While Hollywood has us thinking otherwise, many men prove the opposite by choosing curvier women. You need to know what he is 'into' in order to answer your question. I'm a whole lot bigger than MM's W. She would probably die knowing how much effort she put in to being super fit 'for him' when he is just not into bony women. I don't use 'bony' as a derogative term, BTW. I'm sorry he doesn't have any urges and that he's still in the fog BUT he seems to have chosen you and you seem very patient and understanding. Just don't be too patient and understanding because you might not get the progress you are looking for. Congrats on the weight loss. Wow, 1 stone! How awesome.
eleanorrigby Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Why do i feel like you are taking this too lightly? I'm reading your posts and it has my hair standing on end like I'm looking at a person about to burn to death in a house and she does not even know it.
White Flower Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Why do i feel like you are taking this too lightly? I'm reading your posts and it has my hair standing on end like I'm looking at a person about to burn to death in a house and she does not even know it. I agree. She is hoping for so much. She is hoping that he will be aroused by her again. She is hoping he will stop missing his exOW. She is hoping her newly slimmed body will excite him. Nothing wrong with hoping, but what is she doing to enforce NC and getting them MC? Good luck OP.
Major Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 You know, in studying affairs, and talking to several of my male friends, single and married, they tell me that most of the time, when men have affairs, it's not always about the sex. In most cases, their wives look better and are better all around than the woman they are cheating with. Then you say, "Whatha?" From what I have researched, it's usually something else emotional or thrilling that the man wants. Maybe he/wife don't do anything spontaneous anymore, or maybe they aren't growing together and before they know it, something is missing. Although men are visual and anyone likes something pretty to look at, even us women, I submit that if you lose weight, it has to be something you want to do for yourself. I applaud you on what you are doing. It's wonderful! However, there must be satisfaction and fulfillment in it for you because if for some reason you lose the weight, and he still wants to be with the mistress, you are shaping yourself for someone else. Confidence and assuredness gets a man's attention no matter your shape or size. Truly! I have seen some plus size women who have confidence bigger than any number on the scale that they can gain. It radiates from their spirit! I work out and all that because it's me, however, what if, God forbid, something happened to me where I couldn't work out or I was disfigured? Would that change who I truly am on the inside! No! You have to appreciate your own self-actualization before anyone else does. People only do to you what you allow. I think the weight loss is a great start to the new you. However, I do think counseling to really see what's going on with your marriage is just as important to the longevity of your marriage and what's going on in your husband's heart.
White Flower Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Major, what a great post! And so true. I ran into an old professor who was crazy hot. She looked like a Barbie doll with legs up to there, actually stunningly beautiful. Her H had a girlfriend before he M her and kept the girlfriend for 20 years of M! One day the OW knocks on the door and exposed the A. Barbie left him and when I asked what she looked like she said mousy. Then she said, 'White Flower, it doesn't matter what they look like, it ONLY matters HOW they make them feel.' So true.
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