What happened? Guy changed his mind overnight!

[lorangie1]

I recently decided to try my hand at online dating. On Friday a nice guy messaged me. We started chatting on AIM. We chatted all day. He is 26 and I am 28 if that helps any. What I liked about him was that he never placed importance on my looks like most men on dating sites do.

 

At the end of our convo he gave me his phone number and said "feel free to call or text whenever you want." When I said thanks, he responded "You're thanking me? I should be so lucky." The next day we started texting (by his initiation) again it was all day and then around 6pm he asked me quite suddenly if I wanted to meet up that night. He was really eager and said he could wait, but that he really wanted to see me. I was hesitant at first but he was so adorable and his cajoling worked.

 

We met for dinner about an hour later and he paid, and then we went for drinks. He was lively and talkative and charming and I was having an excellent time. It was his idea to go for drinks. It amazed me at how intelligent he was for a 26 yr old. I was really liking this guy. So we went for drinks, I had two, he had 3 and then he told me how attracted to me he was. He said he thought I was really hot. I was a little buzzed at this point so I welcomed it at this point (since we had been getting to know each other through dinner and drinks and it wasn't the first thing he said to me) and instead of thanking him or returning the sentiment, I said "it's because it's new." At that, his face dropped a bit and he said that was an odd response.

 

I know it is, and I am kicking myself for having said that but I have had terrible experiences with men and I didn't want to seem too vulnerable and open.

 

It was weird for maybe a minute but we changed the subject and things went back to normal. We spent another 2-3 hours at the bar and ended up making out by my car for a while. The whole time he kept breathing into my ear about how hot and sexy I was and how much I turned him on. When I finally turned to leave, he kissed me goodbye. He didn't say "I'd like to see you again" or "I had a good time" or any indication that he wanted a 2nd date.

 

I left a little peeved but not too worried bc right after I left he texted me a few times, not exactly with what I wanted to hear but just for me to get home safe and the like.

 

The next day I didn't hear from him. Fine. But then yesterday I logged onto AIM and he im-ed me immediately. I was excited but he was definitely acting different now. Our whole conversation (which only last about an hour as opposed to the 5-6 hour convos the day before and of our date) was of him sounding very bored and he was acting like a completely different person. When I asked him what was wrong he said he was just very tired. Then he said he was going to log off and that was that. There was no flirting or anything.

 

Today he didn't contact me all day again and then when I logged on around 8pm he again immediately said hello but he was very distant. I wasn't sure if he was playing hard to get but my gut instinct said he had lost complete interest. I like to know where I stand and even though every part of my being screamed to just take it easy, I wanted so badly to know why he was acting so disinterested so I asked him.

 

I said "You have been acting sort of weird after our date, is there something on your mind?" He said no (of course.) I insisted and said "No, you're definitely different. What's up?" Finally I got it out of him and he said he felt like we needed to take it slow. When I said that I didn't understand where he was coming from, he said that we should just be friends then. He then said some bulls*** about how he felt like he couldn't give me what I needed and that I should try to date other guys and that he didn't want to be in a relationship, he knew that for sure.

 

I was floored. I'm honestly perturbed and I would like outsider's opinions on what you think may have made him change his mind about me overnight. I'm worried that it was my comment about it being new but I told him today that I found him very engaging and attractive and that I wanted to see him again and he still kept his ground.

[WalkInThePark]

I am a veteran of online dating and I don't do it anymore exactly because you have this kind of experiences all the time.

This is what I have understood about online dating. A lot of men (since I am a straight woman I can only talk about men not about women) see a dating site as a big supermarket. They are strolling around in the supermarket and from time to time they take something and put it in their shopping cart. But half an hour later they see something else they like better and they put the first item back on the shelf.

You are probably like me: you take all these things at face value. When this guy tells you he really likes you and is turned on by you, you presume that that is how he feels. But for him these are just words he says to see if he can get you hooked. He just wants to know if he can get you if he would want you. It does not mean he wants you. Very confusing, I know.

 

The problem in this specific situation is that he tried to hook you and you got indeed hooked. I think it is because you are not very selfconfident so if a guy tells you you turn him on, you are so happy that someone finally finds you attractive that you melt completely. The fact is that it is inappropriate for a guy to say that you turn him on after you have just met him. Next time this happens to you, you should de-eroticize the situation by making it clear that you first want to do things as friends.

 

The best advice I can give you is to no longer try to meet people via datingsites. You sound like a sensitive person and you are probably a bit naive (which is OK since you are still young). It is much better to just do activities you enjoy and meet people that way. It won't be so uptight, people will play less games and you have more time to really get to know someone.

[lorangie1]

Thanks for your reply. I definitely see what you're saying about it being a big supermarket of women, how utterly gross.

 

Funny thing is, and not to brag, but I get asked out often and I date a lot. However, this is my first time at online dating so I guess I wasn't aware of the games that men play because of all the men I've met in real life and dated, this has never happened to me. My guess is that when I meet a man in real life he has more desire to actually get to know me and the men online are just looking for ONS.

 

My shock is kind of wearing off.

[Arasae]

With online dating, this has happened to me quite a lot. I think what happens is that men idealize who you are/how they think you should be from online, and then when they meet you, you're different than the vision of their bogus ideas of "perfection" and thus, lose interest.

 

The ONLY time this has worked out in a different fashion was when I met a boy and started a LDR where we talked for hours every day for seven months. I was also a good deal younger (in my teens) and so was he, but.. I think the internet builds up preconceived notions about how somebody is and it screws with both parties' heads. =(

[cdubs32]

I recently decided to try my hand at online dating. On Friday a nice guy messaged me. We started chatting on AIM. We chatted all day. He is 26 and I am 28 if that helps any. What I liked about him was that he never placed importance on my looks like most men on dating sites do.

 

At the end of our convo he gave me his phone number and said "feel free to call or text whenever you want." When I said thanks, he responded "You're thanking me? I should be so lucky." The next day we started texting (by his initiation) again it was all day and then around 6pm he asked me quite suddenly if I wanted to meet up that night. He was really eager and said he could wait, but that he really wanted to see me. I was hesitant at first but he was so adorable and his cajoling worked.

 

We met for dinner about an hour later and he paid, and then we went for drinks. He was lively and talkative and charming and I was having an excellent time. It was his idea to go for drinks. It amazed me at how intelligent he was for a 26 yr old. I was really liking this guy. So we went for drinks, I had two, he had 3 and then he told me how attracted to me he was. He said he thought I was really hot. I was a little buzzed at this point so I welcomed it at this point (since we had been getting to know each other through dinner and drinks and it wasn't the first thing he said to me) and instead of thanking him or returning the sentiment, I said "it's because it's new." At that, his face dropped a bit and he said that was an odd response.

 

I know it is, and I am kicking myself for having said that but I have had terrible experiences with men and I didn't want to seem too vulnerable and open.

 

It was weird for maybe a minute but we changed the subject and things went back to normal. We spent another 2-3 hours at the bar and ended up making out by my car for a while. The whole time he kept breathing into my ear about how hot and sexy I was and how much I turned him on. When I finally turned to leave, he kissed me goodbye. He didn't say "I'd like to see you again" or "I had a good time" or any indication that he wanted a 2nd date.

 

I left a little peeved but not too worried bc right after I left he texted me a few times, not exactly with what I wanted to hear but just for me to get home safe and the like.

 

The next day I didn't hear from him. Fine. But then yesterday I logged onto AIM and he im-ed me immediately. I was excited but he was definitely acting different now. Our whole conversation (which only last about an hour as opposed to the 5-6 hour convos the day before and of our date) was of him sounding very bored and he was acting like a completely different person. When I asked him what was wrong he said he was just very tired. Then he said he was going to log off and that was that. There was no flirting or anything.

 

Today he didn't contact me all day again and then when I logged on around 8pm he again immediately said hello but he was very distant. I wasn't sure if he was playing hard to get but my gut instinct said he had lost complete interest. I like to know where I stand and even though every part of my being screamed to just take it easy, I wanted so badly to know why he was acting so disinterested so I asked him.

 

I said "You have been acting sort of weird after our date, is there something on your mind?" He said no (of course.) I insisted and said "No, you're definitely different. What's up?" Finally I got it out of him and he said he felt like we needed to take it slow. When I said that I didn't understand where he was coming from, he said that we should just be friends then. He then said some bulls*** about how he felt like he couldn't give me what I needed and that I should try to date other guys and that he didn't want to be in a relationship, he knew that for sure.

 

I was floored. I'm honestly perturbed and I would like outsider's opinions on what you think may have made him change his mind about me overnight. I'm worried that it was my comment about it being new but I told him today that I found him very engaging and attractive and that I wanted to see him again and he still kept his ground.

 

I'm very sorry you're going through this, dating sucks, I can testify to that. I'm a 27 year old male, and I will be honest and emphasize this as much as possible: IT WAS NOTHING YOU DID OR SAID!!

 

He isn't interested or doesn't want a relationship with you, it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Were you respectful? Were you kind? Did you have fun? There's nothing wrong with you, whatever the problem is that he didn't want to see you again is his own problem, not yours. If you truly believe you're a good person and a catch as a woman then just move on to the next guy. Unfortunately I've learned a lot of people are very flaky, shady, flippy-floppy, disrespectful, ignorant, rude, etc.

 

But it's the struggles like this we go through that make a great relationship with a great person all the more cherished.

[Jilly Bean]

He wasn't into you. Simple as that.

 

Why?

 

Could be a million things - didn't find you pretty in person, you were too pretty in person - lol, too insecure, too secure, too pushy, too passive, etc.

 

Point is, you will never get the truth.

 

It was ONE date.

 

In the future, with online dating, I recommend you not over-invest in marathon IM's and texting in advance of meeting. Also, never EVER meet a guy last minute - makes you look desperate. And don't make comments like the one you did - huge turnoff.

 

But, to answer your question, if I had to think of a reason why he went MIA, I would say it was because he only wanted to get laid, you didn't put out, so he moved on. That, or your comment really blew it for him.

[Confusedalways]

And this is why I don't kiss on a first date. Gotta filter.

 

But, what's done is done. Can't get overly invested in any person, it'll drive you crazy. I don't really think it's what you said, but I find it bizarre that he said he wants to take it slow after being the one who initiated how much you turned him on and so on and so forth.

 

There's plenty of other people out there!

[Krytie TV]

Was there any indication that he was trying to put the moves on you for that night? Maybe once it became clear you weren't going to sleep with him he came back down to earth and got bored with you. Any signs he was trying to go all the way with you on the first date?

[marsle85]

Sorry to say girl, I think he was only intending to hook up with you. His comments are a little skeezy, and not in the form of someone who wants a serious, romantic relationship.

 

A few rules to help you avoid these men:

 

1. Rarely initiate conversations EVEN if you're into the guy. He'll contact you if he wants to.

 

2. NEVER (and I mean NEVER) accept a date the day of. It shrieks of desperation. Sorry, but you have OTHER plans, other dates, and he can't expect you to drop them (even if they're nonexistent) for his date. In fact, don't accept a date two days ahead.

 

3. DUDE... you're not his therapist, mother or girlfriend. No. Way. NEVER ASK him "what's wrong?" "was it something I did?" You're the catch here. You don't chase him, you don't worry that it's you. If he's acting weird, say "Ok! Gotta go!" Act cheerful and indifferent.

 

These are not even limited to dating. They're purely there to enforce your self importance and respect. They're not easy, but you eliminate the guys (like mentioned) who were able wrangle you in a negative situation. This guy doesn't want a relationship? HE'S ON A DATING SITE. He never wanted a relationship, he's using the site to hook up with people. You didn't give it, so he took his losses.

 

Time to move on, and be more picky next time.

[carhill]

Time to move on, and be more picky next time.

 

Good advice. OP, think of this 'experience' as honing your people-picker. It's really good information. My advice: Chat less and press flesh more. Translated: Minimal contact other than in-person interpersonal discourse. Good luck

[Shakz]

"it's because it's new."

If i hear that i would be insulted that you think i am an animal with no brain and an attention of a gold-fish. I say good for him, his response was correct, i value my time enough not to waist it on women who don't respect me.

 

I didn't want to seem too vulnerable and open.

 

Well i hope it was worth it......

 

Now, I would have taken this comment quite differently. It really seems pretty innocuous to me, and actually self-deprecating. I would probably have reacted with something like, "Oh it's more than that. You really are beautiful. There's just something about your eyes," or some such nonsense, but I certainly wouldn't be offended. Just goes to show how people are different.

[CLC2008]

He said he thought I was really hot. I was a little buzzed at this point so I welcomed it at this point (since we had been getting to know each other through dinner and drinks and it wasn't the first thing he said to me) and instead of thanking him or returning the sentiment, I said "it's because it's new." At that, his face dropped a bit and he said that was an odd response.

 

Insert thread here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t234766/

[marsle85]

This guy doesn't want a relationship? HE'S ON A DATING SITE. He never wanted a relationship, he's using the site to hook up with people

 

yes and Women who are on same dating sites, are all looking for husbands and kids...

 

Man hating games has begun!

 

NEVER (and I mean NEVER) accept a date the day of. It shrieks of desperation. Sorry, but you have OTHER plans, other dates, and he can't expect you to drop them (even if they're nonexistent) for his date.

 

 

This entire post is pretty confusing... but firstly, I never said all women on the site are only looking for kids. I never even insinuated the opposite of men. I just stated why the man in her scenario was frequenting the dating site. You, on the other hand- brought in the stereotypes.

 

Secondly, not accepting a date at 6PM THAT NIGHT, is not a "man hating game," it's called self respect. It's obvious this girl has some security issues, she needs the help. I would not tell ANYONE to accept a date when asked the night of, man or woman. It's foolish, and this is apparent from the OP's situation. I also would tell her not to ditch her friends for a guy. It places the man in a position of importance, too early. I'd suggest the same to a man. This forces you to look at yourself in an appraising, confident manner... and makes rejection a lot easier. I think these tips would be very helpful to the OP.

 

Not man-hating... but self-loving.

[marsle85]

you put he's on a dating site in all caps like to make a point, that JUST because of that it means he is looking for just sex....get real.

 

HE'S ON A DATING SITE. He never wanted a relationship, he's using the site to hook up with people

 

Ah, I found your error. Reread what I wrote:

 

This guy doesn't want a relationship? HE'S ON A DATING SITE. He never wanted a relationship, he's using the site to hook up with people. You didn't give it, so he took his losses.

 

Refer to what I bolded: the guy in the OP said "definitely" did not want a relationship. To which I responded: "This guy doesn't want a relationship? HE'S ON DATING SITE" I emphasized that why would a guy looking for a relationship ever be on a dating site? And I continued: "He never wanted a relationship" (to begin with) and "he's using the site to hook up with people..." etc.

 

My point was: why would a guy who wasn't looking for a relationship, frequent a dating site? I never said anything about other men, but implied he was using the site for the wrong reasons.

 

You misunderstood my post, apparently.

 

No biggie.

[cdubs32]

I'm a guy who has been online dating for about a year now and none have resulted in a relationship. I've been out with about 15 girls over the course of the year (took some time off here and there, had surgery on both knees so took like 3 months off).

 

Now when I first started I just wanted to meet new people and get out there. I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't know what type of woman I was into. Well now I'm realizing that I do want a relationship, but only if it's with the right person. It has to be real, not just finding someone to be not alone and I'm not looking to get married tomorrow.

 

4 of the 15 women I've gone on multiple dates with, in the range of 3 to 5 dates. All of these dates seemed to go well, each of these women seemed like they were into me, and there were many things about them I was attracted to. Utlimately, I had decided I liked them early on, played it cool and just kept asking them out, thinking we would eventually progress to a relationship based on things they've said (like saying they liked me, talking about future dates) and the things they did (spending the night with me, kissing me, talking with me for hours on a date, introducing me to their friends).

 

I have JUST NOW learned that these things don't mean anything. People will say and do things for unexplained reasons and don't mean they like you. You really don't know if someone truly likes you or wants to be with you except you can only realize it over time. Sure, online dating sucks because in general: people suck. But people are people, whether they're online or on the street or your coworker or a friend. They'll do hurtful or confusing things to you if they don't care about you. That's just the way it is. So it's a struggle, everyone goes through it, and if you never went through struggle to find the person you end up with then you'll never realize how special that person is. Think of it as building character, learning from experiences about yourself and others, and preparing yourself for the one you do meet that means so much more to you.