men: is lack of intelligence a deal breaker for you?

[runner]

btw, i think the whole judging a person over spelling thing is really silly. the dictionary (regardless of brand, etc.) might have everyone believing otherwise, but the fact remains that languages and symbols have never been, and never will be, static. so there.

 

end rant

[Ruby Slippers]

in case if you haven't noticed, it is you and other women who are deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being with a man that's less intelligent than them, while most men are indifferent. Sure, any sane guy WILL appreciate an intelligent woman, it is not the end of the world if she isn't. For women, however, this situation is unthinkable.

Just not true. My last boyfriend worried that he wasn't smart enough for me, but I didn't care about this point in the least. I definitely outpaced him on book smarts, but he had more life and street smarts. Also, I'm more introverted and have to work to be outgoing, and he was naturally great with people. This and many other qualities made the hard intelligence disparity a non-issue for me.

[WintersNightTraveler]

It probably is. I don't like to set hard and fast "rules" but every woman I was ever serious about was very intelligent. So there seems to be a pattern in who I fall for that I shouldn't ignore.

 

If I met someone who was great in every other way, but not the sharpest knife in the drawer I might feel differently. That's why I don't like declaring rules and dealbreakers. But it's at least top 3 in terms of what I would look for in LTR.

 

For non LTR of course it's not such a big deal.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Hello there Sam Spade. Long time, no see

[shadowplay]

Hello there Sam Spade. Long time, no see

 

Mr White = Sam Spade?

[D-Lish]

Shadow, I have a young assistant with a Degree, she's smart, pretty, deep, and she's got her **** together. She's only 25, and I am so in awe of how much of a cool girl she is.

 

She's been dating a guy for 2 years, and he (27 years old) just left her for a 19 year old girl that gets paid to go to bars in lingerie to attract customers. She wears bras and underpants to a bar and serves beer out of a bucket. The ex (with a Degree in Computer Science) wants the girl in the underpants, that serves the beer out of a bucket...

 

It is what it is.

 

My poor assistant thinks something is wrong with her.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Mr White = Sam Spade?

 

Yep, I am 100% sure now.

[Ruby Slippers]

She's been dating a guy for 2 years, and he (27 years old) just left her for a 19 year old girl that gets paid to go to bars in lingerie to attract customers.

Ugh.

 

Well, the consolation here is that bucket beer girl will probably end up cheating on him.

[D-Lish]

Ugh.

 

Well, the consolation here is that bucket beer girl will probably end up cheating on him.

 

I told her he's going to get clamydia

[Engadget]

Yes in terms of dating it's a dealbreaker. Unlike some LS elitists I don't require education, just intelligence.

 

The FWB-thing I've got going on with a girl now will stay that way because quite frankly, she's not too bright and I couldn't date her because of it.

[romango]

J In other words would you be in a serious relationship with a woman you didn't consider intelligent?

 

For me lack of intelligence is a huge deal breaker, but perhaps women place more emphasis on this trait in their mates than men do.

 

 

 

The intelligence of a woman is not important to me. What is important is her character and integrity.

[sally4sara]

The intelligence of a woman is not important to me. What is important is her character and integrity.

 

A person's character and integrity can be enhanced by intelligence. A lack of intelligence can diminish character and integrity.

 

Something to think about.....

[SadandConfusedWA]

I can understand why men of average intelligence don't care if a woman is not too bright. But it really bothers me that very intelligent men can marry someone, that is quite frankly WAY below them in that respect.

Don't they get bored without any intellectual stimulation? I just don't get it.

[sally4sara]

I can understand why men of average intelligence don't care if a woman is not too bright. But it really bothers me that very intelligent men can marry someone, that is quite frankly WAY below them in that respect.

Don't they get bored without any intellectual stimulation? I just don't get it.

 

I think they do it on purpose.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I think they do it on purpose.

 

Ha, good point!

[sally4sara]

Ha, good point!

 

I live right on the border between Maryland and DC. My in-laws live in DC, up the hill from Georgetown U. Just above them is a neighborhood called The Palisades. It has quite a few families where the man has married a woman he can barely even hold conversation with. A situation where she hasn't picked up enough English and he doesn't bother learning her language well or at all. Not to imply that not speaking English indicates a lack of intelligence, but how much can the guy care about intelligence, if he can't even hold a conversation with her to figure out how intelligent the woman might or might not be?

 

We participated in a charity event in that neighborhood. Much like a collective yard sale but the money went to charity. One family like I describe had me laughing. He couldn't speak her language, but the near dozen female family members she had with her could and they just steamed rolled over him the entire day! He seemed really hen pecked and confused! He would try to stick to the one small child he had that was bilingual and they'd swoop in a pluck the kid off his lap. I wondered if he was rethinking his choices.....

[Mr White]

Hello there Sam Spade. Long time, no see

 

Yo, how you duin', baby !

[carhill]

I was non-discriminatory in that (intelligence) regard because I sought balance amongst *all* aspects of a person's personality and intellect. IOW, I was accepting of 'lesser' pure intelligence when balanced with personality aspects which met my relationship needs in other ways, primarily emotionally, like empathy, caring and proactive interest. From knowing people who have and display those aspects consistently, I see how that balance makes me *feel*, an important aspect in a LTR. I'd *prefer* someone with strengths in both the emotional and intellectual areas, but realize the impact of that preference on available potentials. Life is imperfect. A failed marriage taught me more about the true meaning of balance, intellectually and emotionally. People-picker lessons.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I was non-discriminatory in that (intelligence) regard because I sought balance amongst *all* aspects of a person's personality and intellect. IOW, I was accepting of 'lesser' pure intelligence when balanced with personality aspects which met my relationship needs in other ways, primarily emotionally, like empathy, caring and proactive interest. From knowing people who have and display those aspects consistently, I see how that balance makes me *feel*, an important aspect in a LTR. I'd *prefer* someone with strengths in both the emotional and intellectual areas, but realize the impact of that preference on available potentials. Life is imperfect. A failed marriage taught me more about the true meaning of balance, intellectually and emotionally. People-picker lessons.

 

Out of curiousity carhill, how intelligent is your ex W? How intelligent is the female friend in your journals?

[carhill]

Out of curiousity carhill, how intelligent is your ex W? How intelligent is the female friend in your journals?

I'm unclear how to measure that, except in practical terms.

 

Stbx and I are getting divorced and haven't lived together in about a year. She's pretty self-sufficient. However, in the past month, she's called me with computer problems and car problems, as examples. Her classic beginning line is 'since you're the expert, I have a question for you'.

 

Yesterday, I got a call from one of my tenants, letting me know their HVAC had failed. Not knowing anything about current HVAC technology, I've spent the last couple hours educating myself, both about the technology and practitioners (contractors), and will begin the replacement process this morning. I spent a couple hours last night at the property diagnosing the problem, as I'm quite conversant in 'old' HVAC technology. The tenant supplied the beverages.

 

In our M, one of my complaints about the dynamic, outlined above for brevity, was the 'there's me and then there's God' complaint, in that I felt I had no backup. Coupled with a lack of emotional support, traditionally a real female strength, it often was daunting. When stbx ran into issues, whether I was knowledgable about them or not, she knew I was there as support and *could* become as knowledgable as I chose to, even if we ultimately had to rely on other people to help us.

 

This is obviously only one tiny part of the broad spectrum of 'intelligence', but it is IMO a quite practical application of it from everyday life. So, with three hours of sleep, not unusual for me, I face another day of slowly conquering my ignorance and providing my tenant and their infant and toddler with a cool and comfortable home, amongst many other business and personal obligations. Life goes on

 

Oh, both ladies (stbx and 'friend') thought themselves to be intelligent (I believed them) and it was only after substantial time that I developed my own opinion, based on practical application. Social skills can overcome a lot of adversity and/or deficiency. On my side, I saw plenty of signs of the disparities, but *chose* to ignore them, believing more in the romantic aspects of relationships than the practical ones. That's my responsibility.

 

In my next relationship I will be looking for a person who believes in the 'team' concept and 'balance', as in a compatible balance of intellectual and emotional assets. Marriage (and divorce) has made me more 'practical' and perhaps less 'romantic'.

 

Hope that helps!

[Mr White]

I was non-discriminatory in that (intelligence) regard because I sought balance amongst *all* aspects of a person's personality and intellect. IOW, I was accepting of 'lesser' pure intelligence when balanced with personality aspects which met my relationship needs in other ways, primarily emotionally, like empathy, caring and proactive interest. From knowing people who have and display those aspects consistently, I see how that balance makes me *feel*, an important aspect in a LTR. I'd *prefer* someone with strengths in both the emotional and intellectual areas, but realize the impact of that preference on available potentials. Life is imperfect. A failed marriage taught me more about the true meaning of balance, intellectually and emotionally. People-picker lessons.

 

Wow... beautifully put! And reflects my view exactly (though I probably wouldn't express it in this way, if only to stay in character )

[Mr White]

Ha, good point!

 

Good point my azz . Let's recap the dynamics of the thread:

1) OP asks if lack of intelligence is a dealbreaker

2) the emerging consensus among the male posters is that intelligence is a great and a desireable trait, but an "insufficient" level of it is not a dealbreaker as long as other important relationship traits and qualities are present

3) females posters, instead of reflecting on this perspective for at least a few minutes, gang up and proceed to engage in long-winded and varied efforts to explain what exactly is wrong (obviously) with men who feel as outlined in 2).

 

In recent history women have been getting away with this type of blackmail/manipulation for way too long. Beats me what the expected outcome of trying to invalidate legitimate men's feelings is. You know, you don't need to be super intelligent to see how transparent that is .

[shadowplay]

I can understand why men of average intelligence don't care if a woman is not too bright. But it really bothers me that very intelligent men can marry someone, that is quite frankly WAY below them in that respect.

Don't they get bored without any intellectual stimulation? I just don't get it.

 

Yeah, I wonder the same thing.

[shadowplay]

I'm unclear how to measure that, except in practical terms.

 

Stbx and I are getting divorced and haven't lived together in about a year. She's pretty self-sufficient. However, in the past month, she's called me with computer problems and car problems, as examples. Her classic beginning line is 'since you're the expert, I have a question for you'.

 

Yesterday, I got a call from one of my tenants, letting me know their HVAC had failed. Not knowing anything about current HVAC technology, I've spent the last couple hours educating myself, both about the technology and practitioners (contractors), and will begin the replacement process this morning. I spent a couple hours last night at the property diagnosing the problem, as I'm quite conversant in 'old' HVAC technology. The tenant supplied the beverages.

 

In our M, one of my complaints about the dynamic, outlined above for brevity, was the 'there's me and then there's God' complaint, in that I felt I had no backup. Coupled with a lack of emotional support, traditionally a real female strength, it often was daunting. When stbx ran into issues, whether I was knowledgable about them or not, she knew I was there as support and *could* become as knowledgable as I chose to, even if we ultimately had to rely on other people to help us.

 

This is obviously only one tiny part of the broad spectrum of 'intelligence', but it is IMO a quite practical application of it from everyday life. So, with three hours of sleep, not unusual for me, I face another day of slowly conquering my ignorance and providing my tenant and their infant and toddler with a cool and comfortable home, amongst many other business and personal obligations. Life goes on

 

Oh, both ladies (stbx and 'friend') thought themselves to be intelligent (I believed them) and it was only after substantial time that I developed my own opinion, based on practical application. Social skills can overcome a lot of adversity and/or deficiency. On my side, I saw plenty of signs of the disparities, but *chose* to ignore them, believing more in the romantic aspects of relationships than the practical ones. That's my responsibility.

 

In my next relationship I will be looking for a person who believes in the 'team' concept and 'balance', as in a compatible balance of intellectual and emotional assets. Marriage (and divorce) has made me more 'practical' and perhaps less 'romantic'.

 

Hope that helps!

 

I don't think practical skills and general intelligence (as people usually refer to it) are very related. I know a ton of people who are smart, but are totally lost with fixing practical problems. Part of it is often just laziness and lack of resourcefulness. Instead of solving a problem, they'd rather rely on someone else to take the lead and figure it out. Or it may be that they're so daunted by the problem that they don't even bother thinking it through. A lot of older people are like this when it comes to new technology. It's annoying for the person who has to do the fixing

[Els]

I can understand why men of average intelligence don't care if a woman is not too bright. But it really bothers me that very intelligent men can marry someone, that is quite frankly WAY below them in that respect.

Don't they get bored without any intellectual stimulation? I just don't get it.

 

 

I actually wondered that as well, especially as I see a lot of it. Came to the very sad conclusion that while there are intelligent men who value intelligence in a partner, there ARE extremely intelligent men who do not, either. Perhaps because they have their intellectual needs sufficiently stimulated through career, friends, and other means (hobbies etc), and the woman is just a soft and sexy body to hold and have sex with, someone to provide care and support and love. That, to me, is not the true definition of 'partner', but meh, if it makes them happy...

 

On the other hand, I maintain that most of the intelligent men I saw with less-intelligent women, were either immature and sexually inexperienced (and thus just wanted to 'bang that hot chick'), or lacking in prospects due to certain flaws (very bad physical appearance, disability, etc).

 

Edit: When I say less intelligent, I mean significantly less intelligent, of course. Before someone jumps me for that.

Edited June 17, 2010 by Elswyth