sally4sara Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Add to that, no one needs to stay in a relationship with things that eat at their trust and comfort just to wait for something really bad to happen. You can choose to leave a relationship without a huge betrayal motivating your choice. Its a matter of compatibility. Lets assume the best. Say he is not sleeping with this woman and has no intent to try. Do you want to be in a relationship with a partner who interacts with business associates in the same manner he would if he were romantically pursuing someone even if he doesn't sleep with them? I not saying what he is doing with this style is inherently wrong, but is it right for you? Is it okay with you? Or is it something you will endure and suffer in silence as long as you never find him cheating? Is it something that will cause you much unrest and potential fights? You were bothered enough to snoop. Are you okay continuing to feel the need to snoop? Are you okay not being quite able to trust his word without snooping?
2sunny Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 here's the deal: he knows it makes you uneasy - yet he still wants to go. he puts your feelings behind his as well as the gal he's going to see. any man that considered your feelings first wouldn't discount and disregard you and your feelings this way. he's being selfish at your discomfort... and he's still willing to follow through with it knowing he's hurting you by doing so. THAT is why it feels wrong to you. now - what are YOU going to do about it?
jenifer1972 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Quite frankly, I don't know. He's got male friends and business contacts all over the map but I wouldn't say that he'd visit them just to wine and dine. Then again, he's not admitting that he's travelling to see her. He only admitted that he had to go anyway, and that scheduling a meeting with his friend was just good timing. But that's not what his text indicates. It clearly states that she asked him first, and then he says he could probably find some clients, as in, yeah, I think I can come up with an alibi... just my opinion....
SadandConfusedWA Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 It is not an isolated incident either - he had intimate dinner with her (alone) until 1am not too long ago. Something is going on there
homersheineken Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 My BF works as a senior consultant for a software company. He travels quite a bit and meets a lot of people. Next week, he's going away for business again, but I found out he's going to a concert with a business partner (attractive female in her late twenties). Things between us have been good and I have nothing to complain about. However I wonder if travelling to another city to attend a concert might be slightly fishy? What do you think? Wait... You "found" out? He didn't tell you?
Author frenchgirl Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 Look, I'm not telling you he's cheating on you for certain. Who knows if he's cheating yet or not. What I'm telling you is that the potential for cheating is there especially since he's acting out of character and your spidey sense is tingling. Like I said before. Forget the emotion driven fluff and stuff. Think in terms of analyzing behaviour. When someone acts out of character, there's a reason for it. It's up to you if you want to take the bull by the horns and try to find out what his reason is for acting out of character. So you know my background, the ex-husband was a serial cheater with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Something didn't feel right in Kansas for me since there were anomalies in his behaviour. At the time I was too stupid for words since I loved and trusted him. But I still put a PI on his tail and from there busted him and got a divorce. Right after my divorce, I got involved with someone else. Something about him didn't feel right since his behaviour was so push/pull. Net result, another potential cheater. Between learning about cheaters through LS and other means, as well as these two experiences, it taught me what to look for. I can't guarantee I'm right all the time but I do know that when people act out of character, there's a reason why and it's something that should put you on alert. Thanks for your kind advice.
Author frenchgirl Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 Add to that, no one needs to stay in a relationship with things that eat at their trust and comfort just to wait for something really bad to happen. You can choose to leave a relationship without a huge betrayal motivating your choice. Its a matter of compatibility. Lets assume the best. Say he is not sleeping with this woman and has no intent to try. Do you want to be in a relationship with a partner who interacts with business associates in the same manner he would if he were romantically pursuing someone even if he doesn't sleep with them? I not saying what he is doing with this style is inherently wrong, but is it right for you? Is it okay with you? Or is it something you will endure and suffer in silence as long as you never find him cheating? Is it something that will cause you much unrest and potential fights? You were bothered enough to snoop. Are you okay continuing to feel the need to snoop? Are you okay not being quite able to trust his word without snooping? I guess that's where I'm stuck. I have suspicions but at the same time I wonder if they're warranted.
TaraMaiden Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Listen. To. Your. Gut. Your suspicions will fester and grow if you don't satisfy them. You need to take the bull by the horns and do something!
SadandConfusedWA Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I guess that's where I'm stuck. I have suspicions but at the same time I wonder if they're warranted. Whenever I had suspicions, there was ALWAYS something there. Sometimes, it wasn't immediately obvious and it took months for things to be confirmed.
Citizen Erased Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Whenever I had suspicions, there was ALWAYS something there. Sometimes, it wasn't immediately obvious and it took months for things to be confirmed. Yep, gotta go with your gut. Not often mine steers me wrong.
SadandConfusedWA Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 My ex bf had strong feelings for his ex while we were together. He would of course, completly deny it and I don't think he was even physically cheating. She was in LTR herself, with a guy she left my ex bf for. He occassionaly kept in touch with her, all above board and would take her calls in front of me. It was all very subtle, the tone of his voice would slightly change when speaking to her or when someone mentioned her name. When we ran into her once, he blushed and was visibly shaken afterwards (although he verbally denied it). At that point, I looked through his phone and they had no contact apart from the contact I knew about. I remember feeling like I was being silly, paranoid etc, esepcially after looking though his phone and finding nothing. Then few days later, when he was somewhat emotionally distant, my gut instinct would scream at me "he is still in love with her!". Eventually, we broke up for unrelated reasons. They got back together pretty much right away, and stayed together for 2 years. She left him again (for yet another guy) and he ended up marrying some girl that I know he doesn't love. (He proposed to this girl on the same day he found out that his ex got engaged to that new guy). He later admitted everything to me, and more, that he had an "unrequited crush" on her since he was 12 years old. He is probably still pining after her and I am so glad I am not his wife. But bottom line: my instinct was spot on.
SummerLady Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Are they working at the concert? If not, there's no reason for him to be going to a concert in another city with someone who is not his wife or SO. Tell him I said so. Offer him the option to invite said partner over for dinner this weekend. I'm sure she'll love to join you. Or, does she just happen to live in the city he's going to on 'business'? See where this is going? I see where the concern is BUT since the Enron scandal there have been regulations put in place about "gift giving" to clients. So in my company its not odd for a client to take you to a show or professional sports event, which are not cheap but easier to write off and fit within the boundaries if that makes sense. My co-worker just went out with a male client to a show in a major city last week. She is married and I heard all about the show, it was a nice perk plus she got dinner. So I hear where the arugment is here, I would feel some what insecure as well. But sometimes its just business. Only you know what the real deal is...
carhill Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Out here it's golfing at Pebble Beach or fishing trips out of Newport and a host of lesser known activities. Very proper and a lot of fun. Spouses are invited. In stbx's business it wasn't uncommon to meet with male clients away from 'work' for such lesser known activities. I thought nothing of it. A number of LS'ers suggested that was an ignorant POV. Over time, I came to respect and understand their perspective, and it helped me establish the boundaries of transparency, hence my suggestion for a dinner in with this particular client. Everyone knows everyone, it's transparent and boundaries are in place. Hope they enjoy the show
SummerLady Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Out here it's golfing at Pebble Beach or fishing trips out of Newport and a host of lesser known activities. Very proper and a lot of fun. Spouses are invited. In stbx's business it wasn't uncommon to meet with male clients away from 'work' for such lesser known activities. I thought nothing of it. A number of LS'ers suggested that was an ignorant POV. Over time, I came to respect and understand their perspective, and it helped me establish the boundaries of transparency, hence my suggestion for a dinner in with this particular client. Everyone knows everyone, it's transparent and boundaries are in place. Hope they enjoy the show I hear where you are coming from completely. This thread reminded me of something that happened last Fall, kind of off topic BUT someone my SO worked with (a woman) tried to fix him up with her cousin and she knew we lived together. I thought that was in VERY bad taste and he thought so as well..Everyone at his work including this Flakey BITc^%!! Knows about me and knows we are serious. Just goes to prove there is an azzhole in every bunch.
carhill Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 That's a great example of where the OP and her SO should have clear understanding of their own transparency. In such an instance, the OP should be disclosed... 'honey, you won't believe what happened at work today'.... and then they talk about it and strengthen their boundaries and bond through that communication. The primary intimate relationship remains prioritized and they are a *team*, facing work situations and concert trips as a team. To me, that's healthy.
tman666 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Why not? It's not like you would even care if he dumped you for that attractive business partner. You are a woman, and women are not capable of loving a man or becoming emotionally attached to a man so if he left you, you wouldn't care that much. Wow, bitter much? OP, I don't think that there are very many circumstances that men and women can be strictly friends without some level of attraction. A business dinner is one thing, but I think that him going to a concert with this lady is opening the door to temptation. Combine that good time with some booze, and you never know... This sucks for you because you're sort of damned if you do and damned if you don't: if you call him out on it, you risk looking like a jealous b*tch, but if you let it go completely, there's the possibility of their relationship growing.
txsilkysmoothe Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 (edited) Frenchgirl, It sounds like you and your bf have discussed this issue multiple times. Is he defensive? Does he think you are overreacting? Does his business friend know about you? How long have they been friends? If they are really "friends", she will refer business (contracts) to him. Period. He doesn't need to wine and dine her - that's for people you need to convince to use your product or services. Have you asked to go along? You many not want to go, but his reaction may tell you something. I'm assuming your bf is in his twenties, also? Best case scenario, he may lack the age and business savvy to recognize the need to establish appropriate behavior with female business contacts/associates. Even if he was single, he should adhere to a certain standard of conduct. It has become so commonplace for one person to allege inappropriate behavior by another, that one should not put themselves in a position where it's a toss up between "he said/she said." What if, for instance, he truly views her as a good business contact and nothing more; however, she is interested in him. She sees what you see, what we see, that he is spending time alone with her and it doesn't have a "business" feel to it. He is out with her late at night rather than at home with his girlfriend. She gets the idea that he is equally interested in her. At some point, he realizes she has these feelings and rejects her. She retaliates by alleging to his employer that he did "something." Seldom do such allegations even have to be proved. An employer will fire an employee who demonstrated poor judgment in their interactions with the accuser. Has he ever attended sexual harassment training? Those classes can really make one think about boundaries and the potential pitfalls surrounding innocent situations. It would be appropriate for your bf and you to attend the concert with her. It would be appropriate for your bf to attend the concert with her and her bf, or her and another of her business colleagues, preferably male. He and her alone? No, not even if he was single. Edited June 18, 2010 by txsilkysmoothe
Author frenchgirl Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 Wow, so much feedback! Apparently they've known each other for a few years and they typically go for dinner 2-3 times a year. He relates to her as a business colleague who has become a friend. Does that sound plausible to you? I'm so confused!
Viking Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Wow, so much feedback! Apparently they've known each other for a few years and they typically go for dinner 2-3 times a year. He relates to her as a business colleague who has become a friend. Does that sound plausible to you? I'm so confused! In the end, it doesn't matter what we think, it is what you feel. Because you're asking us now, what we think, you know already. I would not put up with it given the trouble and fanfare it is going to take to get to that city to see her. If it was a beer with an old friend in town, sure that would be one thing, but flying to another city, going through the hassle of arranging business meetings etc. Seems to be a little extreme. I personally would only make the trip if I stood to gain something out of it personally. For my last gf, one of her complaints was that I wouldn't drive 2 miles to see her and that she was the one always coming to see me. I corrected my behavior because it helps me keep and maintain a relationship with my current gf.
Author frenchgirl Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 I would not put up with it given the trouble and fanfare it is going to take to get to that city to see her. If it was a beer with an old friend in town, sure that would be one thing, but flying to another city, going through the hassle of arranging business meetings etc. Seems to be a little extreme He tells me he has to visit his clients twice a year anyway and that concert was just good timing. Should I still worry?
2sunny Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 He tells me he has to visit his clients twice a year anyway and that concert was just good timing. Should I still worry? sure - you are worrying, with good reason. the gut never lies. he's doing something inappropriate and wants to pass it along as "no big deal" which you KNOW is a big deal. what are you going to do about it? you have done nothing - that is what he was expecting. time to DO something - wouldn't you say? to go along with it is as good as giving your approval which is what he wants anyway.
TaraMaiden Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 73 posts and you still don't know what to do? "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure....." Frenchgirl, you've got to stop prevaricating. From post #1, you've been unsure, insecure, doubtful, worried, concerned, suspicious and confused. I don't see anything positive about these feelings. They just serve to dig you further into the swamp. You have a choice: Either confront him and tell him you feel unhappy and unsure about what he's doing - or quit this, take it on the chin, and decide to trust him. Those are by and large, the choices you have. Everything else is subterfuge, dancing round the problem, wondering, guessing and playing a devious game. if you want to be with him, commit to him and you feel you love him enough to get to the bottom of this - then say so and tell him. If you don't want to deal with this out of fear and insecurity - then be prepared for more of the same, and living with questions and uncertainty for the foreseeable future.
Adunaphel Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 He tells me he has to visit his clients twice a year anyway and that concert was just good timing. This at least makes the message he sent her Him: I can probably find some clients to visit. When is the concert scheduled? sound less like an alibi. Should I still worry? I would be worried. Perhaps this woman is really no more than "a business colleague who has become a friend", and he didn't hide the dinners or the concert. What would worry me is that even after you voiced your concerns he didn't stop to ask himself whether his behaviour might be inappropriate. Do both of you have opposite sex friends? Do you have any rules on old, and new, opposite sex friends? If so, is he sticking to them? Or would going to this concert break any rule you estabilished as a couple? I second the advice you got about asking him to go with them. His reaction will tell you a lot. Are you under the impression that he doesn't want you to meet her?
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