softheart Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I have such a strange situation. My ex lives in another state and I work with his mother and I am on a bowling league with his mom, dad, and brother. He is not such an ex.. but when he comes into town and tells me he wants to be with me, I trust him with my heart.. we get together and when he leaves doesnt call back. Nice.. I know. This has happened twice and I have learned my lesson not to fall into the mind trap games of actually believing he is falling for me. I thought I was over this.. but he is coming back into town with his new girlfriend. I haven't seen him since the last time which was 6 months ago. So... they are supposed to be coming to our bowling night and and he might be playing for his dad. I don't feel comfortable being around the two of them. I dont want to be a baby about it but I just dont think its a good situation for me to be in? What do you think? Should I go? Is it wrong if I dont go?
GrayClouds Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I have such a strange situation. My ex lives in another state and I work with his mother and I am on a bowling league with his mom, dad, and brother. He is not such an ex.. but when he comes into town and tells me he wants to be with me, I trust him with my heart.. we get together and when he leaves doesnt call back. Nice.. I know. This has happened twice and I have learned my lesson not to fall into the mind trap games of actually believing he is falling for me. I thought I was over this.. but he is coming back into town with his new girlfriend. I haven't seen him since the last time which was 6 months ago. So... they are supposed to be coming to our bowling night and and he might be playing for his dad. I don't feel comfortable being around the two of them. I dont want to be a baby about it but I just dont think its a good situation for me to be in? What do you think? Should I go? Is it wrong if I dont go? The mature person takes care of themselves, they do not purposely put themselves in situation knowing that it is not good for them. So in fewer words, DO NOT GO. Be kind to yourself.
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Don't go. And, don't be there for him with open arms if/when he calls in the future. He's TWICE treated you poorly! Don't allow him to do that a third time. No good can come of you going.
norajane Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 He uses you, doesn't call, and now he's coming to town with his gf. Really, what is it going to take for you to drop him completely? No, of course you don't go out with him and his new gf! This is a no-brainer!
Toki Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me a third time, I should be in special education. Don't put yourself in potentially toxic environments.
Heatemyheart89 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 i read the title and just thought NO(!) straight away... DONT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hopesndreams Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Is it wrong if I dont go? It would be wrong if you do go. Sticking pins in your eyes would be less painful.
ditched Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 glutton for punishment?!?!?! Sounds like a f#&king nightmare!!!!!!!!!
Author softheart Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 That was what I told his mom and she got upset at me for not wanting to go. She says this is our bowling league and just because he is going to be there with his new g/f I should not go. That I am being dramatic about the whole thing. My first logic response was hell no I am not going to put myself into that situation but others around me- my friends- brother- his mom and dad- are all saying screw the two of them and I should be where I am supposed to be. I will be making more of a situation out of not being there than just going and just put up with it.
hopesndreams Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Have you always done what others wanted of you?
norajane Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 That was what I told his mom and she got upset at me for not wanting to go. She says this is our bowling league and just because he is going to be there with his new g/f I should not go. That I am being dramatic about the whole thing. My first logic response was hell no I am not going to put myself into that situation but others around me- my friends- brother- his mom and dad- are all saying screw the two of them and I should be where I am supposed to be. I will be making more of a situation out of not being there than just going and just put up with it. Practice saying, "No, I'm just not comfortable and will not be there." Your bowling league can get along without you for one night.
sally4sara Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Well, you can always go the comedic route. Approach them as though its just another one of his visits where he takes you out when he breezes through town and blows your skirt up, only this time he brought you a toy (new girl). Start by standing too close to new girl. Sniff her hair and let your eyes scan her over head to foot. Comment that she looks acceptable to you before you ask her, right in front of him and his family just how long she plans to service you before you climb back on your throne tonight? And by throne, I mean his penis. Make that crystal clear. Then drop your bowling ball on his foot when she protests. No reason why you should be the only uncomfortable person at the bowling alley......and he'll know where you're coming from since its obvious he has no class. If his mom is your boss or has any sway over you at work, just make your excuses and do not go. If she has no sway over you at your job, this crash and burn course of action will at least leave you no option but to extract yourself from this really unhealthy attachment you have to his family. You need to move on for sanity's sake.
GrayClouds Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 (edited) That was what I told his mom and she got upset at me for not wanting to go. She says this is our bowling league and just because he is going to be there with his new g/f I should not go. That I am being dramatic about the whole thing. My first logic response was hell no I am not going to put myself into that situation but others around me- my friends- brother- his mom and dad- are all saying screw the two of them and I should be where I am supposed to be. I will be making more of a situation out of not being there than just going and just put up with it. Time to tuff'en up that soft heart. That does not happen by allowing it to get beat up, it happens by having the courage to tell those who does not have your interest first to go suck wind. It happen by respecting yourself and not blinding giving in to the wants of others. It does not sound like any of these people care about you, they are putting their needs and feeling ahead of yours. It is simply disrespectful of them to tell you your feeling does not matter. Why do you have to put up with it? Why can they simple put up with you choosing not to go? Why do you think their happiness is more important then yours? . Edited June 16, 2010 by GrayClouds
Adunaphel Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Do not go. You do not *have* to. Since his mom and dad are dismissing your feelings, I wonder what version of the story they got from your ex boyfriend, and whether they know that their son treated you so badly. Consider not going as something you owe to yourself.
Author softheart Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 The parents know what happened between us- they dont agree with what he did at all. At the end of the day his family has become like my own- I have to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. If I am going to continue my friendship with this family than sooner or later I am going to have to deal with him bringing girls around. I am not going to lose my friendship with his family because he became a douche. He is not worth it that much to me to not be with them. They feel they are in the middle of it- on one hand that is their son.. on the other they love my like their own.. they are having a hard time with this as well and said they understand if I dont go but feel really bad if it is their son that is keeping me from being there with them. I appreciate everyone feed back but sooner or later I need to toughen up and just deal with this situation. Its not a common one and trust me any day of the week I wouldn't want to be with my ex and his new girlfriend but... his family means more to me than creating this drama.. Its time to grow up and just deal with it.. .with a smile! Its life.
norajane Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 No, I'm not buying it. Self-respect has as much to do with putting on your big girl panties as appeasing his family. And your self-respect should be telling you to protect yourself more than his family. You absolutely do not need to suck it up with a smile. When dealt sh*t, you don't have to accept it with a smile. You really, really don't. THEY can suck it up, one night without you there. THEIR son caused this. So THEY can accept that he's a douche and his doucheiness means that you will not be there to suck up more of his doucheiness because you have more respect than that for yourself.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 (edited) What an unfortunate decision. Life became much easier for me when I learned one valuable lesson: Feelings are not right or wrong. We're entitled to feel as we do, and anyone who tries to tell us we should or shouldn't feel a certain way is trying to control us. And that control is ALWAYS to serve their own purposes and interests, not ours. I refuse to permit anyone to tell me how I should feel about anything anymore. What a shame you've bought into their interpretations. I suspect it will go poorly, and you'll feel even worse because you aren't being true to your feelings. If so, come back, we'll be here. Edited June 18, 2010 by CrestfallenNoMore
Crazy Magnet Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Well, you can always go the comedic route. Approach them as though its just another one of his visits where he takes you out when he breezes through town and blows your skirt up, only this time he brought you a toy (new girl). Start by standing too close to new girl. Sniff her hair and let your eyes scan her over head to foot. Comment that she looks acceptable to you before you ask her, right in front of him and his family just how long she plans to service you before you climb back on your throne tonight? And by throne, I mean his penis. Make that crystal clear. Then drop your bowling ball on his foot when she protests. No reason why you should be the only uncomfortable person at the bowling alley......and he'll know where you're coming from since its obvious he has no class. If his mom is your boss or has any sway over you at work, just make your excuses and do not go. If she has no sway over you at your job, this crash and burn course of action will at least leave you no option but to extract yourself from this really unhealthy attachment you have to his family. You need to move on for sanity's sake. This is one of the most excellent post I've ever read. Oh to have the balls to pull this off! There is no reason for you to torture yourself and go to this. As an adult you get of icky things like brussel sprouts and having to stare at this guy and his new girl. Stand up for yourself and don't give them the opportunity for a guilt trip. You're uncomfortable. End of story.
Adunaphel Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 No, I'm not buying it. Self-respect has as much to do with putting on your big girl panties as appeasing his family. And your self-respect should be telling you to protect yourself more than his family. You absolutely do not need to suck it up with a smile. When dealt sh*t, you don't have to accept it with a smile. You really, really don't. THEY can suck it up, one night without you there. THEIR son caused this. So THEY can accept that he's a douche and his doucheiness means that you will not be there to suck up more of his doucheiness because you have more respect than that for yourself. I agree with norajane. I also do not like his parents' attitude. You said you are friends with them, but I do not think they are behaving like friends would do. First, if they know what their son did, they would have given him a *very* hard time (and apologized on his behalf). They would try to avoid a situation where both you and his new gf would be present. It is very unfair to you, and very unfair to her. I am willing to bet that she is as inconfortable as you are (unless the detail that you are his ex gf was conveniently omitted). Once again, I do not think you should in any way feel like you have to go. This is a crazy thought, but...in case in future you will have to see them again... what about trying to "side up" with his new gf? I am thinking about a "I am friends with you (ex's family members) and I would love to see you but please can we wait until I feel better about being around him and his new gf and we have made sure his new gf is okay with being around me?" thing.
GrayClouds Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 (edited) The parents know what happened between us- they dont agree with what he did at all. At the end of the day his family has become like my own- I have to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. If I am going to continue my friendship with this family than sooner or later I am going to have to deal with him bringing girls around. I am not going to lose my friendship with his family because he became a douche. He is not worth it that much to me to not be with them. They feel they are in the middle of it- on one hand that is their son.. on the other they love my like their own.. they are having a hard time with this as well and said they understand if I dont go but feel really bad if it is their son that is keeping me from being there with them. I appreciate everyone feed back but sooner or later I need to toughen up and just deal with this situation. Its not a common one and trust me any day of the week I wouldn't want to be with my ex and his new girlfriend but... his family means more to me than creating this drama.. Its time to grow up and just deal with it.. .with a smile! Its life. The sad reality is that they are NOT your family. Push comes to shove if the new girlfriend and possible wife does not want you around, the "family" is going to pick the son and his her wishes over you. Deny if you like but it will happen. Your right but your big girl panties on and start taking care of yourself. Stop this I going to prove to him how strong I am and going to pretend his behavior does not matter to me. That is childish school yard behavior. So go ahead and feel bad, grieve the loss. The mature thing is to see he made the choice of not wanting you in his life. It a choice affects not only you and him but everyone. I know you do not want to but that is what a break-up is about. It is sad but you now have to accept that choice and move on. For a person with a heart, break ups are hurt. And this one is going to hurt on many levels for you. To get through it means it is time to create your own life beyond him, that includes his family. Yes it will be hard and scary and sad, but that is why you need your big girl panties. . . Edited June 18, 2010 by GrayClouds
Author softheart Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 Wow.. did I get beating up in here! Well I went last night and yes it was very awkward being there with him. It helped that she was young and stupid and wasn't very involved in what we were doing. What I realized in this situation is I am not going to stop being friends with his family- I am not. I didn't start dating him and than be a part of the family it was the other way around. I work with his mom- I go to work functions of his dads- I was there for his brothers first baby.. and on and on.. so lets just face the fact that I am not going to stop having a relationship with his family because he is a douche. They have apologized over and over for what he has done and feel really bad about the situation. I dont' believe they are disregarding my feelings but know that this situation is going to come up. They want me there- they don't want me to leave just because of him. Soo.. back to what I realized- I have unfinished business with him. I still have unanswered questions and things I want to voice so I can have closure with this- move on and be happy. So I asked his mom to try and make some time for us to talk alone while he is here. I called him but no answer. I am scared.. but I think once we talk and things get said that need to be for me.. I will be able to move on from this. You all thought I was crazy for going to bowling.. am I even crazier for doing this or am I on the right path to move on from this hurtful heart that end of the day he didn't want to be with me and thats ok but it was the way it was handeled that left me bitter. Thanks again for everyones honest posts!
hopesndreams Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Will this be your last ditch effort to get him back?
Author softheart Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 I don't want him back but there are a lot of things that have been left unsaid- I am still really bothered on the way he handled things and until I can confront him I will never be comfortable being around him.
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