Morals Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Recently, I've noticed that a number of threads have come up regarding friends, relationships, and the dynamics that cause those to labels to be blurred. I'd be lieing if I said I wasn't asking this question in reference to a friend of mine whom I believe is in the gray area between friend and relationship. What actions do you expect people to do when they are just friends? What about when they are in a relationship? I saw a post in a thread recently that said that normally people in healthy relationships will not hang out with members of the opposite sex in one in one situations. I am currently evaluating the behavior if a close friend whom I think is between the friend and relationship zones. We haven't acknowledged any feelings for each other, but there us an undeniable chemistry that we share. We frequently go out to dinner, movies, and other events together. Now, I might even consider this behavior the norm for her, but I know the guy she is "seeing" she is having issues with. Not only that, but we've been spending more time together each week, used to be once a week, and it's somewhat been progressively increasing overall. My confusion comes from the idea that she is seeing me in one on one situations. For example, last week we had dinner at this nice Italian restaurant, then we walked to an opera. This past Saturday I suggested we watch the USA-UK game at my house. Being as my roomate wasn't home o even joked that despite despite the fact that my TV in my room was nice; that my roomates tv in the living room was a few inches larger to watch the game on. She responded with " we can watch it in your room, I'm comfortable there". (granted we ended up going to an Irish pub to watch the game with a more lively atmosphere) . The point is, she seems comfortable around me, and we have chemistry, and for all intents and purposes we go on "dates"...but I'm unsure if her actions relay her intentions regarding me. Namely I am unsure if these are the actions of a friend, and nothing else. Or if they are the actions of someone who is interested in me, but waiting for me to say something. I realize what you fellow LS folks will tell me to do, but I fear that expressing my feelings, even in a low key way, will result in the loss of a great friend, or possibly a divide will appear between us because of it. If you don't mind, I'd love some thoughts on my situation, and then your thoughts on the actions of friends or those in relationships.
Crazy Magnet Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 All I have to say is situations like this are why I don't hang out men in one on one situations when I'm in an R and why I don't want my man doing the same thing. Chemistry happens and it all goes down hill. You can always ask her how the guy she's seeing feels about it and if he's aware of how much chemistry there is between you. My guess is he's clueless or else he's dumb to let it keep going on. The gentleman thing to do would be to back off and respect their relationship if you feel she's in your grey zone and she's already in a committed relationship.
Author Morals Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 All I have to say is situations like this are why I don't hang out men in one on one situations when I'm in an R and why I don't want my man doing the same thing. Chemistry happens and it all goes down hill. You can always ask her how the guy she's seeing feels about it and if he's aware of how much chemistry there is between you. My guess is he's clueless or else he's dumb to let it keep going on. The gentleman thing to do would be to back off and respect their relationship if you feel she's in your grey zone and she's already in a committed relationship. The thing is, while that would be the gentleman thing to do, that courtesy has never been afforded to me. To most men, there is no such thing as backing off unless they are married. (and even then some men still go ahead). I guess this is where the saying "All's fair in love and war" comes from. Secondly, I know she is in a casual relationship. It's not serious and it's not going well. So I would not be quick to label her current R a "commuted relationship". My questions in this situation, don't even factor in the guy she us seeing. My question is, ate these the actions of a friend? Or are these the actions of more then a friend? Would acting on these feelings be prudent? Or do some if you think that the friendship is too valuable to try and pursue anything more? I feel like it is worth mentioning because we can't go through life wondering what if, but I would really like the advice, stories, or any information you folks can give me?
ADF Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 No offense, but you sound like the typical male "friend" waiting for his chance to pounce. You know your female friend's relationship with her BF is strained. It sounds like you're trying to position yourself to take advantage of that situation when the right moment arrives. If you're female friend is savvy enough, she'll see exactly what you're doing. That said, I think you're right when you say the boundries can be confusing. What causes the confusion is that while men almost NEVER bother to befriend women without some underlying romantic/sexual motive, the same is not true of women. Women will actually go out of their way to make platonic male friends. Don't automatically assume she thinks the way you think.
I'm Batman Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I don't wanna sound like a negative nancy, and I do not know if this is a repeat from part 1, since I haven't read through that. But I've been in this situation many of times, and it sucks! OP, atm you are in the "just a friend" category. She confides in you when she cannot confide in her current bf. You'll be the ear while she spills her beans bc she needs the hugs and advice from you. I had a crush on a girl that always came to me about her relationship problems, what a tease. I dropped all communications with her and moved on, let her find another sorry guy to cry on. However if there's a chance, you should share with each other how you feel in your friendly relationship, so your male monkey mind doesn't start imagining wrong thoughts. Plus it will answer the question to this post.
Crazy Magnet Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 You need to go on and tell her how you feel. She'll either reciprocate or not, although probably not. If a woman wanted to date you she would go after you from the beginning instead of befriending you first.. Either talk to her about it or forget it. None of us here know what she's thinking because we have no idea who she is and we can't read her mind.
I'm Batman Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Either talk to her about it or forget it. None of us here know what she's thinking because we have no idea who she is and we can't read her mind. If you dont' talk to her this issue will continue to eat you up inside. There will be parts 3, 4 and so on to this thread. To the OP, find the right time to open up with her. You're only making things worse for yourself in the long run
carhill Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 If being honest about positive feelings with a dear friend causes that friendship to end, it wasn't much of a friendship to begin with. Women in 'casual' R's who allow orbiting, meaning one on one personal contact with other unattached men, are getting their primary (sexual and intimate) needs met by the guy they're banging and their tertiary needs met by the orbiters. Up to you if you want to be one of those.
Author Morals Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Hey all. Sorry for the typos. On my iPhone. The situation isn't nearly as clear cut as some might believe. I've known this woman through 2 relationships over the course of 5 years. I've always been a friend first to her. It's only recently over the last year she has initiated and reciprocated one on one encounters. Our emotional chemistry continually gets stronger. I'm not trying to "pounce" on her now that I know her current relationship is strained. She's not in a long term relationship with him, few months TOPS. Why are you making me out to be the bad guy by considering her to possibly be something more then friends? Tangent: most people here are told to see multiple people at the same time so you don't have "all your eggs in one basket.". So I fail to see where I am in the wrong here. I have other girls on my radar right now, but none whom I have this level of chemistry with. Tangent over. I do think that ultimately I need to say something, but I'm unsure of when it how. Timing is everything after all. @ADF I realize the point you are tring to make... No offense but you need to stop copy-pasting the same post into friends or more threads. Each situation is different and I might take your advice more seriously, or closer to heart, if you took the time to at least try and relate to my situation. It's a complicated time for me in my life right now. I just had a family member pass away Monday , and it made me realize how short our lives really are. I'm just tired of going through life alone. I enjoy my time I spend with this woman, and we both share similar interests and qualities. I don't have alot if people who really care about me in my life, she is one of them. My fearof this situation is seeded not in telling her, but possibly losing someone so close to me as a friend if the feelings aren't mutual...and expressing those feelings might cause a rift between us. Again, I know it boils down to talking to her or Getting rid if those feelings. Both if which won't be easy. I just know that I enjoy spending time with her, and she likes spending time with me. It's just really a matter if timing, as the gentleman in me wants to wait until she is truely single, but realistically we all know that alot of relationships don't wait for people to be single before they are started. I will always be a friend to her no matter what. I just think that I would be a fool for not wanting a relationship with someone I feel so comfortable around and enjoy spending time with.
carhill Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I will always be a friend to her no matter what. I just think that I would be a fool for not wanting a relationship with someone I feel so comfortable around and enjoy spending time with. Yeah, I used to think that way. I'd take the kisses and the ILY's and build that altar of tomorrow ever more sturdy, or so I thought. Altar of unhealthiness. My condolences for your loss. I hope your female friend has been close by to offer her love and support. That's what friends do. Ironically, it has been the specter of my mother's decline and imminent death which has caused me to 'clean house' and get rid of unhealthy and unproductive influences and relationships. Life is indeed too short. Mortality is nigh. True friends are God's blessings. Good luck
Author Morals Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 So what do you suggest then? That you shouldn't aspire to turn really good friendships into relationships even if there is some chemistry there? Altar of tommorow? You're speaking in riddles, and as much as I appreciate advice, people often post here in times of frustration. Riddles do not help alleviate that frustration... I appreciate the advice, I do. I guess I'm just trying to find out the right time to talk to her about the nature of our relationship and where it's heading.
carhill Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 When I was frustrated with my marriage, I paid a psychologist a lot of money to teach me the tools of introspection. He didn't give me the answers, rather the tools to seek my own answers. That might seem like a 'riddle', but it's not. The answers lie within yourself between the lines. This same 'help' allowed me to see a toxic 'friendship' for what it was. I had to come to that conclusion *on my own*, not because someone told me what to do. I hope you find the path which is healthy for *you*.
Hop_prophet Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Why don't you just put the moves on her and then you'll know for sure? It seems like there is a good chance she is in to you and you are looking for more than friendship so I don't see what the problem is. I would be wary about dating her though.
Author Morals Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 I appreciate the thoughtful comments everyone. And ultimately it boils down to me making a move and expressing my feelings. My question is when?! I have the hardest time on when to say/do things. And timing could make all the difference... You folks probably can't help me there, but I suppose it doesn't hurt to talk out my process...
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