more about age differences

[joey66]

There are a couple of recent threads about the age of the OW/OM or the age difference between the APs. It seems there are many cases of younger OWs with older MMs. (I'd love to hear from any younger OMs with older MWs.)

 

My question is, why?

 

I am north of 40, but not yet 50. As I wrote in one of the other threads, I cannot imagine being with a significantly younger woman. I much prefer someone with whom I can talk, someone with similar life experiences.

 

I can see that an (insecure) older man would like to have sex with a younger woman, in order to boost his ego. (Not that I think younger women are better in bed than older women. I firmly believe the opposite.).

 

Why would a younger woman want an older man? Other than sex, why would an older man want a younger woman? What could they possibly talk about? I appreciate any insight.

 

Please understand, I'm not trying to be judgemental. I don't begrudge anyone their relationship. If you and your AP have found something that works for you, then I'm happy for you.

[GreenEyedLady]

As I said in the other thread, I was thirty when we started dating and he was 44.

 

Why did it work between us? We had similar life experiences and we had so much to talk about we'd be up until 2am in the morning on the phone. (He has a job where he works for three full 24 hour shifts.)

 

I'm sure that I did boost his ego then (and still do now). We are sexually compatible in every way. I don't think age has anything to do with being an enthusiastic, adventurous sex partner.

 

Why did I and do I still want my H? He is a man who has learned from experience what it is to live an authentic life, to take responsibility for his actions and to rebuild relationships that he has damaged. In addition, I think he's sexy as hell and he totally rocks my world-IN AND OUT OF BED!

 

We talk about politics, religion, education, parenting etc. Plus, I teach student leadership (along with Special Education) and he is my biggest supporter! He stands beside me at our fundraisers, takes the photos for our website and pitched our tents, bbq'd and spent the night with us at the Relay for Life for the 24 hour cancer fundraiser event. He puts the "T" in team. That is what we are, a true team.

 

I also personally believe that every man is just a boy in a grown up body.

 

No offense to the male persuasion.

 

GEL

[Green]

Heres my HONEST opinion. I'm in my twenties and for the most part I could pretty much get ANY older woman I wanted. I DON'T WANT OLDER WOMEN THOUGH. I mean sure some in SHAPE women in their 30's and 40's can still LOOK GOOD... but seriously as a guy in my twenties I HAVE NO GOOD REASON TO DATE UP IN AGE.

 

NOW if you are a 30,40,50 year old man... and you can GET women in their twenties WHY NOT.

 

OH and OW/MM should be ashamed of themselves.

[White Flower]

 

Please understand, I'm not trying to be judgemental. I don't begrudge anyone their relationship. If you and your AP have found something that works for you, then I'm happy for you.

And as you ask us not to begrudge you, I ask fellow posters not to begrudge the truth I am about to speak.

 

I'm north of 40 and MM is 15 years older than me.

 

I personally never looked at a man with gray hair before MM asked me for a dance. Now, that is ALL I look at because of the effect he has had on me. He's smarter, funnier, and more experienced...at everything.

 

I hate to sound...overly confident here, but my entire life I have been called mature for my age. When I was 15 I attracted much oder guys and always have even though I only dated ones my age. They were fine, but never challenging. So in that regard, MM and I are a perfect match and we consider ourselves equals.

 

Sexually, we are also compatible. You must remember that you are still young Joey66, and may not yet have experienced certain things in your forties yet as a MM. Some women go through certain changes upon menopause (cutting this short due to time but the phase can be much longer) and just don't have the libidos they once had when they were younger. BTW, this does NOT happen to all women. This doesn't happen to men that often either. Yeah, sometimes they need or want to use a little blue pill but for the most part it's gonna work til their dying day. What's the old expression? Men will die with their ***** in their hands? LOL. Anyway, physically we are matched as well.

 

I think a man's sexual prime last much longer than they claim it does. Men just love sex period. And while women tend to lose their...gonna get graphic...lubrication as they age, they tend to get to know their bodies better with age. If they're lucky enough, they keep that ability long enough to enjoy it while they let themselves loose in their 40s, 50s, and yes their 60s. My neighbor is an OW at 65 and has sex with her guy every day. You go girl! BTW, she is dating a yonger man, about 5 years younger.

 

I once saw 20-20 or 60 Minutes and they interviewed older couples and focused on their sex lives. The couples interviewed said sex just gets better and better as you age. They had various reasons as to why they believed it to be true in their lives but for the most part it boiled down to intimacy...a real emotional and physical connection with each other. Having said that, I think that when a younger person has sex with an older one, there is a new and unique experience for the younger one and perhaps a gratefulness to experience something the older one hasn't felt in quite some time. I hope that sounds as respectful and as honest as it is meant. It is in no way meant to say that younger is better. My older neighber keeps reminding me that it will only get better in time!

 

You add in a strong emotional bond with that chemistry and you have an intimate relationship beyond compare.

[alexandria35]

I think that relationships with age differences can work but a lot depends on what stage of life each person is in. Actually this reminds of a friendship I once had. For the record I am female and straight but still I think this example of mine kind of illustrates potential problems. When I was about 27 years old I met a young lady in a group activity I used to attend. Said young lady was smart, witty, sweet and friendly and she was 18yrs old. We started talking and I found myself liking her as a person very much so our friendship began. At first we just hung out together as part of our group, then sometimes we met for lunch during the week, and occasionally she would come over to my place in the evening and we would watch movies or just talk and share and laugh. I valued our friendship a great deal and at first I didn't consider our age difference at all. However we were at vastly different stages of life. I was only 27, but I already had 2 kids, had finished school years ago and now was struggling as single parent with a full time job on limited budget. My young friend on the other hand was still in high school, still lived with her parents, and had very recently just lost her virginity to her one and only boyfriend.

 

In a very short time I began to see that our friendship was kind of limited to the very few things that we actually had in common and that we could really relate to each other about. When she would angrily complain about her parents or the latest drama with her highschool girlfriends I couldn't really participate. While I could empathize with her, as I had been her age not too long ago, I also knew that her problems were nowhere near as earthshattering as she thought they were. Likewise when I felt the need to lament about the struggles of being a single parent raising boys and working full time at a crappy job, she drew a blank and couldn't relate to my angst. After a time she would occasionally bring along another friend or two when we got together and this is when our gap in ages became really painfully obvious.When we were alone together she always came across as very mature for her age, I guess partly because I kind of led the conversations we had and she just followed along. Her friends were the same age as her and also still in highschool and when she was with them she was clearly a very young girl who had much to learn and experience.

 

Watching her giggle, and act the child with her friends I realized that our friendship had kind of gone as far as it could go. I started to distance myself from her and wondered if it was even appropriate for me to be close friends with someone so very young. She needed to be with girls that were going through the same things she was going through and having the same experiences she was. She didn't need to hear about my adult life, instead she needed to grow into her own adult life, in her own way. So in the end I slowly began removing myself from her life in a way that was kind and caring so as not to hurt her feelings. I still think about her from time to time and wonder where life took her. She would be 35 now and at this stage of her life I could easily see us being close friends. Our age difference of almost 9 years would seem miniscule as she would have experienced many of my experiences and we could probably share so much more.

 

Now I think the same holds true for romantic relationships. I can't see a young woman in her early twenties truly enjoying her youth if she is hooked up with a guy in his forties and trying hard to meet his expectations of a relationship. Likewise I can't see what a middle aged man gets from a relationship with someone young enough to be his daughter. What? Is he going to hang out with her and her friends and go to raves? Is he going to go to young adult bars and smoke pot with the kids and have everyone affectionately refering to him as dad? Or is the young 20 year old expected to skip this youthful carefree stage of her life and join the older man at his stage of life? I know not all young adult women go to bars and smoke dope but all young adults have a lot of experiences to enjoy and learn from and they shouldn't miss out on any of it. Older adults may remember these experiences fondly but we don't neccesarily want to relive them. The gap in ages will narrow with time because growth usually slows with age. The differences between a 20 year old and a 40 year old are much greater than the differences between a 40 year old and a 60 year old.

[bittersweet memories]

And as you ask us not to begrudge you, I ask fellow posters not to begrudge the truth I am about to speak.

 

I'm north of 40 and MM is 15 years older than me.

 

I personally never looked at a man with gray hair before MM asked me for a dance. Now, that is ALL I look at because of the effect he has had on me. He's smarter, funnier, and more experienced...at everything.

 

I hate to sound...overly confident here, but my entire life I have been called mature for my age. When I was 15 I attracted much oder guys and always have even though I only dated ones my age. They were fine, but never challenging. So in that regard, MM and I are a perfect match and we consider ourselves equals.

 

Sexually, we are also compatible. You must remember that you are still young Joey66, and may not yet have experienced certain things in your forties yet as a MM. Some women go through certain changes upon menopause (cutting this short due to time but the phase can be much longer) and just don't have the libidos they once had when they were younger. BTW, this does NOT happen to all women. This doesn't happen to men that often either. Yeah, sometimes they need or want to use a little blue pill but for the most part it's gonna work til their dying day. What's the old expression? Men will die with their ***** in their hands? LOL. Anyway, physically we are matched as well.

 

I think a man's sexual prime last much longer than they claim it does. Men just love sex period. And while women tend to lose their...gonna get graphic...lubrication as they age, they tend to get to know their bodies better with age. If they're lucky enough, they keep that ability long enough to enjoy it while they let themselves loose in their 40s, 50s, and yes their 60s. My neighbor is an OW at 65 and has sex with her guy every day. You go girl! BTW, she is dating a yonger man, about 5 years younger.

 

I once saw 20-20 or 60 Minutes and they interviewed older couples and focused on their sex lives. The couples interviewed said sex just gets better and better as you age. They had various reasons as to why they believed it to be true in their lives but for the most part it boiled down to intimacy...a real emotional and physical connection with each other. Having said that, I think that when a younger person has sex with an older one, there is a new and unique experience for the younger one and perhaps a gratefulness to experience something the older one hasn't felt in quite some time. I hope that sounds as respectful and as honest as it is meant. It is in no way meant to say that younger is better. My older neighber keeps reminding me that it will only get better in time!

 

You add in a strong emotional bond with that chemistry and you have an intimate relationship beyond compare.

 

40's is not so young even if you date someone 15 years older.. doesn't seem so bad or look it. What he is tallking about is someone in their 20's or maybe early 30's.

[WalkInThePark]

Heres my HONEST opinion. I'm in my twenties and for the most part I could pretty much get ANY older woman I wanted.

 

In your dreams. I am 45, in excellent shape (I am size 36 since I am 18, no grey hair, no double chin, no wrinkles) and there is no way that I am interested in a man who is more than 10 years younger than I am. Nor am I interested in a man more than 10 years older than I am.

I like the feeling of being with someone my age, always have. At 45 this means that I want to be with someone who has already considerable life experience, has a good professional career but still enough dreams and projects for the next 30 years. It is great to have grown up in the same era, know the same music and historical events.

I like the feeling that I am with someone I could also have met when I was in college.

[TinaniT]

I'm in my mid/late 20's and he's in his mid 40's.

 

We have similar backgrounds we talk about, the same hobbies (triathlons, esp Ironmen - we both just recently qualified for Kona), we both have kids and we talk about them, we talk about what's going on in the world, etc.

 

Similar, but different, viewpoints and hobbies leave us with more to talk about than in our prior relationships.

 

As for why? He is incredibly attractive. He is kind and giving and intelligent and passionate... it's him, not his age...

Okay, it might be his age in one thing... he is by far the best sexual partner I've ever had. Who knew it could be so good? He also thinks I am the best partner he's had and has taught him a trick or two because I'm more adventurous and have less hangups there than his previous relationships.

 

I can say that I am considered a very attractive woman... not as a brag, but as a statement of fact, and in other elements have never had the slightest trouble attracting men. I think the same applies for him. I've certainly seen the way women look at him. We came together because we are a perfect fit, age difference or no.

[Spark1111]

I will not negate an older man with a much younger woman. Surely they could have a lot in common.

 

But I do agree with you Joey that can be a huge ego boost to the guy. His friends are envious. And the women think, "Well, I guess he must be doing really well..."

 

It's sort of understood that ususally, the younger woman is attracted to an older man of means, not someone jobless...not usually.

 

What I object to is this new term of cougar; an older woman dating a younger man. It's sexist, IMO.

 

Because there is no coinciding term for an older man dating a younger woman. What is he called? Lucky?

[Silly_Girl]

Er... cradlesnatcher, lech, perv, mid-life crisis....

 

I think guys get a hard time too!

[Confused4Now]

I was a MM at 48 when my affair started and my MW was 38....I'm 52 and a OM or xOM and she's still the MW or xMW now.

[angie2443]

I will not negate an older man with a much younger woman. Surely they could have a lot in common.

 

But I do agree with you Joey that can be a huge ego boost to the guy. His friends are envious. And the women think, "Well, I guess he must be doing really well..."

 

It's sort of understood that ususally, the younger woman is attracted to an older man of means, not someone jobless...not usually.

 

What I object to is this new term of cougar; an older woman dating a younger man. It's sexist, IMO.

 

Because there is no coinciding term for an older man dating a younger woman. What is he called? Lucky?

 

I believe "manther" is the term for men. Huge age differances always involve some sort of trade off. The woman is using her youth to compensate for something- Maybe lack of money, maybe lack of healthy self esteem, often a mental disorder. No one in these relationships wants to admit this to themselves, let alone someone else.

[joey66]

Thanks to all for your responses.

 

@green - With all due respect, your response illustrates exactly what I'm talking about. No mature woman will be attracted to that kind of arrogance.

 

@WF - I don't think that 15 years is a big age difference when you are both past 40. By that time, you are both mature adults (as mature as you are going to get, anyway ) fully capable of making informed choices. I'm happy for you that you have such a good relationship. And thanks for calling me young!

 

@alexandria - Exactly! Your example is just the kind of thing I was talking about. While women in their 20s are nice to look at, I have no desire to hang out with them. I prefer someone who, e.g., can relate to the trials and tribulations of being a middle-aged parent.

 

@TinaniT - You obviously have a great relationship with your MM despite your age difference. Good for you! The fact that you both have kids surely helps.

 

@Silly Girl - Perhaps cradlesnatcher or MLC, but not perv. I'm a perv, but I'm still not interested in significantly younger women. Then again, maybe with me it's just personal preference. IMHO smart, mature, confident women are just plain sexy.

[Silly_Girl]

@Silly Girl - Perhaps cradlesnatcher or MLC, but not perv. I'm a perv, but I'm still not interested in significantly younger women. Then again, maybe with me it's just personal preference. IMHO smart, mature, confident women are just plain sexy.

 

Love this!!!

[skywriter]

When my A started, I was 42 yrs young and he was 35.

[MorningCoffee]

We had first a work friendship. Then, an EA after we no longer worked together. Then on to a PA. I: 60+, she: mid-30s. If we had not been colleagues first, our paths would never have crossed and the friendship could not have happened, nor all the rest. From the emotional connection arose the mutual attraction and thus the love affair.

 

My point is that our ages were merely a pair of numbers, like our blood pressures or cholesterol readings, and totally irrelevant to the relationship coming into being. We met emotionally at a deeper level (was she more mature than her age? I less mature than mine? who knows?).

 

The attraction was ours to acknowledge (we did), talk about where the boundaries are (we did) and then consciously either maintain them or cross them (we did).

 

The one way in which the age difference was relevant, and as our relationship deepened, it became more apparent, was with 25+ years' age difference, an actual future together is that much more of an extremely remote possibility than already is the case with most As. Sigh.

[ladydesigner]

We had first a work friendship. Then, an EA after we no longer worked together. Then on to a PA. I: 60+, she: mid-30s. If we had not been colleagues first, our paths would never have crossed and the friendship could not have happened, nor all the rest. From the emotional connection arose the mutual attraction and thus the love affair.

 

My point is that our ages were merely a pair of numbers, like our blood pressures or cholesterol readings, and totally irrelevant to the relationship coming into being. We met emotionally at a deeper level (was she more mature than her age? I less mature than mine? who knows?).

 

The attraction was ours to acknowledge (we did), talk about where the boundaries are (we did) and then consciously either maintain them or cross them (we did).

 

The one way in which the age difference was relevant, and as our relationship deepened, it became more apparent, was with 25+ years' age difference, an actual future together is that much more of an extremely remote possibility than already is the case with most As. Sigh.

 

MorningCoffee I could have written your post although I am the older MOW:laugh:

 

My XAP was 21 and I was 35 at the time of our affair (Mrs. Robinson syndrome). Anyways the only part that didn't do it for me was the actual sex. He was not that experienced so it was a huge disappointment for me as my H is very good in bed:o. I knew right then and there that this A was doomed (most are anyways).

 

The emotional and friendship connection I had with him was incredible. There was a powerful pull between us that was unexplainable, I have never felt it with anyone. The way he kissed was amazingly good, I don't think anyone I have ever been with kissed that good.

 

We used to discuss the age difference and he said he never felt like there was one. He was very mature for his age and very talented and I am successful, intelligent, and not to boost my own ego but in his words smoking hot. So about the younger men being attracted to older women it happens more than you think .

[Amelia81]

I am a 28 year old OW to a 43 year old MM so 15 year gap. This is my first A with a MM however not the first time I've been attracted to an older man.

 

With my MM, we seem to compliment each other so well, physically and emotionally. Our most important interests we both share yet both have other interests away from each other. We have a very similar outlook on life too. So I don't really notice the age difference.

 

I find what I like about older men is they generally know what they want, they are more settled and family-minded, lots of life experience (I love learning and developing so love a partner who inspires me) and I think a lot of men age very well too

 

Age isn't an issue (apart from we have less time if we want to have children together) its his situation that is causing the problems xx

[skylarblue]

I have always and only been attracted to guys a lot older than me, least 20yrs+ (ideally 25-28yrs) since 16/17yo, so the fact that MM is 27yrs older is something that is normal for me. Personally, I like the “look” of and like my guys to look like an old(er) guy, gray(ing) hair, wrinkles and lines, kinda the “retired” kind of look (if that makes any sense). People always think what could we possibly have in common, he must be in it for sex/ego, I must be a gold-digger/bought/kept. For me, it’s like any normal R. We don’t have to “find” things to talk about or in common. We just talk like any other two people would talk or do things like any other couple would do things. It not so weird like people think it is.

 

The older men that I’ve dated weren’t sex-seeking, cradle-robbing, egomaniacs. I don’t think my age was the driving factor behind pursuing a R at all. I was simply someone who they were attracted to who happened to be younger. Not saying it wasn’t any ego boost, etc., but these weren’t the driving force. In every instance, the last time they’d dated someone my age was when they were around similar age.

 

I think the age difference is much more important to me than MM or the guys I date. In fact, it’s non-negotiable for me. It may be an “issue”, but I like the “father-figure”, head-of-the-house, old/young “taboo” kinda vibe, and kinda feel like I’m more naturally “in place” as the female counterpart. Also, I think I consider the age difference as some kind of security. Like because he’s already dating someone 25yrs younger that I have less worry of him wanting to find someone new/better/different.

[MorningCoffee]

For me, it’s like any normal R. We don’t have to “find” things to talk about or in common. We just talk like any other two people would talk or do things like any other couple would do things. It not so weird like people think it is.

 

Your post made me smile, because we had much the same dynamics in our A (I am 25+ years her senior). Definitely "not so weird like people think it is." LOL

[Masoshi]

I am 29 and the OW to a MM who is 43. I have always been drawn to men older than me (about 10 years or so) because I have always found men my age to be too immature for me. I prefer the life experience a man older than me has to share because I like discussing the world and opinions, and while I am independent (work hard, make three figures, own my own home, etc.) I like to feel as though I am "taken care of", protected...and my experience with guys my own age is that they aren't very good at that and I end up feeling like their mother...being a nag. It is frustrating and annoying. I find that older men are better at making a woman feel more like a woman, guys my age just make me feel like their friend. And that's fine, I have many male friends my age and get along with them great. But I cannot imagine being their romantic partner in life. If I respect and trust my partner, I am more willing to have them make decisions that impact both of us, and I have a hard time respecting the judgment of someone that doesn't have any more experience than I do in life.

 

But that being said MM and I were friends before we were involved. We clicked as friends, we joked around, and for a while it was only a platonic friendship. We both had kids, so there was something shared we could talk about, we are in the same profession (though he's been in it a lot longer than me), and we had similar interests outside of work.

 

It's not just that he's older than me. That alone isn't everything. I was recently approached by a man I know from the gym who is around 50. While I raationalized in my mind that he's not much older than MM, it just seemed so wrong that someone his age would approach me. We shared very little in common (besides being members of the same gym!) and he knew very little about me, so it felt very superficial that he was probably only interested in me based on my age. And that is not good enough for me. There has to be common ground, regardless of age. And that I've found in MM.

[pureinheart]

Prior to 37 all of my BF's/H's were younger than me, then that trend changed at 37 when I was seeing a man that was my age. After that some were way older, some a few years older...exDM was 3 years older...

 

GEL...two points that you posted, one in this thread and one in the other "age" thread...

 

I agree that society has more issues with age than there needs to be, as people mature differently (and I hope I read your meaning right:))...now I really don't care about age differences, there is just a preference towards older men now...

 

I love grey hair, and like you didnot find it so appealing until exDM.

 

I am 50 now, which was difficult to deal with, although am handling the transition..I mean what choice do I have?

[pureinheart]

I have always and only been attracted to guys a lot older than me, least 20yrs+ (ideally 25-28yrs) since 16/17yo, so the fact that MM is 27yrs older is something that is normal for me. Personally, I like the “look” of and like my guys to look like an old(er) guy, gray(ing) hair, wrinkles and lines, kinda the “retired” kind of look (if that makes any sense). People always think what could we possibly have in common, he must be in it for sex/ego, I must be a gold-digger/bought/kept. For me, it’s like any normal R. We don’t have to “find” things to talk about or in common. We just talk like any other two people would talk or do things like any other couple would do things. It not so weird like people think it is.

 

The older men that I’ve dated weren’t sex-seeking, cradle-robbing, egomaniacs. I don’t think my age was the driving factor behind pursuing a R at all. I was simply someone who they were attracted to who happened to be younger. Not saying it wasn’t any ego boost, etc., but these weren’t the driving force. In every instance, the last time they’d dated someone my age was when they were around similar age.

 

I think the age difference is much more important to me than MM or the guys I date. In fact, it’s non-negotiable for me. It may be an “issue”, but I like the “father-figure”, head-of-the-house, old/young “taboo” kinda vibe, and kinda feel like I’m more naturally “in place” as the female counterpart. Also, I think I consider the age difference as some kind of security. Like because he’s already dating someone 25yrs younger that I have less worry of him wanting to find someone new/better/different.

 

Sky, personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with your choices in age as we all have our reasons...some might think those reasons are wrong and that's ok as they have a right to their opinions also.

 

In looking at my patterns saw that I just like to be young...younger guys, then to older guys...now had one of them not cheated (a couple of them "cheated" in my eyes due to the need to be validated by other women), I would have stayed in the M/R and that would have been it, although had to keep "searching" sort of ( I prefer not to look or approach men).

 

At the age of 16/17 one knows what want or at the very least has a really good idea;)

[pureinheart]

MorningCoffee I could have written your post although I am the older MOW:laugh:

 

My XAP was 21 and I was 35 at the time of our affair (Mrs. Robinson syndrome). Anyways the only part that didn't do it for me was the actual sex. He was not that experienced so it was a huge disappointment for me as my H is very good in bed:o. I knew right then and there that this A was doomed (most are anyways).

 

The emotional and friendship connection I had with him was incredible. There was a powerful pull between us that was unexplainable, I have never felt it with anyone. The way he kissed was amazingly good, I don't think anyone I have ever been with kissed that good.

 

We used to discuss the age difference and he said he never felt like there was one. He was very mature for his age and very talented and I am successful, intelligent, and not to boost my own ego but in his words smoking hot. So about the younger men being attracted to older women it happens more than you think .

 

You go girl...couldn't help myself! It's usually less about age and more of connection..I am really glad you and your H re-connected:D