The Condition of my Condition...

[TRaczaj]

Hi All... I haven't been on in a while and I don't expect anyone here to remember me. But instead of taking time typing my whole back story, here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t221701/

 

That's my old thread that is about an ongoing problem in my life. If you don't feel like reading it, I'll try to sum it up the best I can. I've been in love with this phenomenal girl for almost a year now. Everything she does amazes me. The problem is she's with my best friend...

 

I've actually been with her. It's not as scandalous as it sounds though. My friend was there and literally saw it happening.

 

My friend was unemployed for 6 months or so. He has a job now, and I was getting pretty close to moving out. (We live together.) I was moving out because it was getting harder and harder to deal with these feelings while living in the same house.

 

Now though... This passed weekend the two of them got in a big fight and she left. She hasn't been home since Sunday morning.

 

The fight was caused by a co worker of mine. My friend was out on Saturday and he ran into this guy who works for me. (I'm a factory supervisor.) And they were talking about how the only decent bar tender at the bar they were at was off tonight. Well guess who that bar tender happens to be? Her. So, they are talking, and I guess my friend kept quiet about him dating her for whatever reason. And my idiot co worker says "I kinda know her. She's dating my boss."

 

This was an obvious misunderstanding. I'm not dating her. Wish I was... Anyway, my friend leaves the bar and comes storming home. I was sitting out on the porch with my sister. He went off on my sister and I, then he yelled in the house for her to come outside, and when she came outside he yelled at her.

 

I spoke up and defended her at one point, and was told to shut up.

 

Sunday morning she left and hasn't been back since.

 

My friend is heartbroken. I don't think he's eaten or slept for days.

 

I won't deny that I want to call her and tell her everything... how I feel, how I've been feeling for the last year, etc. But I can't do that. I'm not that evil.

 

I am concerned though... I want to know she's at least alright. My friend has texted her a few times and she's responded with few words. She never told him where she's staying.

 

And I'll admit there is a small guilty part of me that knows I have a chance here. I've even had moments of obtuse irrationality where I've told myself this happened for a reason because her and I are really meant to be together. I know how idiotic that is.

 

And I won't lie... I just miss her being here in the same house with me. It's like there's this empty void now.

 

Is what I feel normal? Probably not because this is far from a normal situation. How can I deal with this without getting myself in any more trouble?

Edited June 16, 2010 by TRaczaj

[TRaczaj]

Is everyone really that lost for words?

 

Jeez this is depressing...

[TRaczaj]

Ok... this is about ridiculous.

 

Thanks everyone...

[TRaczaj]

I don't mean to sound like an ass... but I'm going to keep bumping this until I get a reply from someone other than myself.

[JohnM]

This sounds like an awfully convoluted mess, there are too many things going on for this to look likely to work. Its not a simple case of you like her, but shes taken so you wait in the wings. This has gone on for too long from the sounds of things.

 

Not many people are likely to reply as its alot to look into really, its more of a case study so i have stuck with your synopsis of events offered. Maybe I should address point by point:

 

'The problem is she's with my best friend...' - If this is still the case you should just back off, if someone is with somebody else, no matter to what extent you need to still respect that. By being the person for the rebound nothing will ever happen.

 

'I was moving out because it was getting harder and harder to deal with these feelings while living in the same house.' - Man, what a terrible situation to be around someone you are interested in who is taken. Its just a total reciepe for disaster. You can't clear your head when you are as invested in it much as you are.

 

'Sunday morning she left and hasn't been back since.' - She is probably taking some time to herself without the interference from the two of you. She is probably making some tough decisions. You need to leave her be.

 

'My friend is heartbroken. I don't think he's eaten or slept for days.'...And I'll admit there is a small guilty part of me that knows I have a chance here.'

 

Good god I'm glad you can see how deluded it is. You are way too wrapped up in this girl and it will tear your world apart.

 

'How can I deal with this without getting myself in any more trouble?'

 

If you truly believe that this fight and possible break up has happened for a reason then back off completely. Leave them to resolve it without any of your interference. You do NOT want to get yourself involved in it, you don't want to be in the middle of a possible break up. What kind of a foundation is that to build a relationship from?

[USMCHokie]

One of the reasons for the lack of responses is that the original post is so difficult to read and follow. Your narrative is not really very coherent and reads like you were talking to someone with random thoughts.

 

First of all, I would never want to be your friend. I don't understand how or why you'd be "in love" with someone who is already in a relationship, let alone someone who is with your best friend!!

 

To avoid any more trouble, I'd steer clear of both of them. They both deserve better.

[Meaplus3]

Hey Trac. I do remember you.. and I do remember your story.. and I did get your PM.. just did not have time to get back to ya... sorry about that.

 

Ok.. so she left your friend. The girl whom you have feeling's for. The very same girl that was with your friend and you were all living together. Right? Now.. if I were you.. I'd give her some space. She clearly needs time.. after just coming out of a Relationship. If you push it, you may very well end up her re-bound guy.. and that would not be good. So time my friend.. leave it alone and see what happens. My best to you.

 

Mea:)

[TRaczaj]

This sounds like an awfully convoluted mess, there are too many things going on for this to look likely to work. Its not a simple case of you like her, but shes taken so you wait in the wings. This has gone on for too long from the sounds of things.

 

Not many people are likely to reply as its alot to look into really, its more of a case study so i have stuck with your synopsis of events offered. Maybe I should address point by point:

 

'The problem is she's with my best friend...' - If this is still the case you should just back off, if someone is with somebody else, no matter to what extent you need to still respect that. By being the person for the rebound nothing will ever happen.

 

'I was moving out because it was getting harder and harder to deal with these feelings while living in the same house.' - Man, what a terrible situation to be around someone you are interested in who is taken. Its just a total reciepe for disaster. You can't clear your head when you are as invested in it much as you are.

 

'Sunday morning she left and hasn't been back since.' - She is probably taking some time to herself without the interference from the two of you. She is probably making some tough decisions. You need to leave her be.

 

'My friend is heartbroken. I don't think he's eaten or slept for days.'...And I'll admit there is a small guilty part of me that knows I have a chance here.'

 

Good god I'm glad you can see how deluded it is. You are way too wrapped up in this girl and it will tear your world apart.

 

'How can I deal with this without getting myself in any more trouble?'

 

If you truly believe that this fight and possible break up has happened for a reason then back off completely. Leave them to resolve it without any of your interference. You do NOT want to get yourself involved in it, you don't want to be in the middle of a possible break up. What kind of a foundation is that to build a relationship from?

 

You bring up a good point... If I ever was going to be with her why would I want to be her rebound? What would that get me? A few months of sex holding together a frail, doomed relationship. It was the sex that got me into this anyway. I didn't start having really intense feeling for her until after we had our moment of intimacy a year and a half ago.

 

I know this whole thing is a mess... like something straight off the Soap Operas but with less attractive and more interesting people.

 

I don't even know what the standing is on their relationship at this point. I know that she's not staying here now. And the fight was because of me. Not that I did anything with her or tried to do anything with her. One of the guys who works for me just got the wrong idea about some things.

 

My friend may actually be losing his job. He came home from work really upset today. They sent him home early and gave him tonight to make his decision of staying or going. I guess they've "had it" with him.

 

So he's contemplating his decision while getting drunk at our friend's place.

 

I don't know where she's staying and I haven't made any attempts to find out. I have texted her a few times though, just to ask if she's alright... And then I also sent her a couple of joke texts. I sent the same ones to my friend too, if that's relevant. I just sent them because I thought they both needed to laugh.

 

THank you for the reply...

[TRaczaj]

Hey Trac. I do remember you.. and I do remember your story.. and I did get your PM.. just did not have time to get back to ya... sorry about that.

 

Ok.. so she left your friend. The girl whom you have feeling's for. The very same girl that was with your friend and you were all living together. Right? Now.. if I were you.. I'd give her some space. She clearly needs time.. after just coming out of a Relationship. If you push it, you may very well end up her re-bound guy.. and that would not be good. So time my friend.. leave it alone and see what happens. My best to you.

 

Mea:)

 

Yea, that's the girl. She's an abuse survivor and I think the way my friend went off on her scared her.

 

IF, and that's a big if, there is any chance of a future between her and I, I know I have to lay low for a while. As much as I love her, I know the chance of a real relationship with her is small...

[TRaczaj]

One of the reasons for the lack of responses is that the original post is so difficult to read and follow. Your narrative is not really very coherent and reads like you were talking to someone with random thoughts.

 

First of all, I would never want to be your friend. I don't understand how or why you'd be "in love" with someone who is already in a relationship, let alone someone who is with your best friend!!

 

To avoid any more trouble, I'd steer clear of both of them. They both deserve better.

 

Falling for her wasn't something I planned. I never tried anything with her behind his back or anything. I tried to stop it in the beginning when I first started having these intense feelings for her. But I think even by then it was too late.

 

I've had a long history with her. Even if we were just acquaintances in the beginning, I always felt connected to her. You can't understand how I could be in love with her under these circumstances, and that's fine, because I m sure a lot of people can't. But until you've lived it you can never understand.

 

I wouldn't want to be my friend either... He's miserable. I've been doing a lot to try to make him feel better actually. People are always telling me what a good sense of humor I have... I've tried to make him laugh when I know he needs it. I know he needs time to deal with what he's going through and everything. But I also know how destructive it can be on a soul to sit around in crippling depression all day.

[JohnM]

I am glad you have taken the advice from myself and the other posters onboard. I didn't know if it would seem harsh or not so I toned down a bit but you seem to have clearer thoughts on the issues facing you now.

 

As has been said, just back away from the situation and let it pan out by itself, if something is to come from it then it will. Use the time to look after yourself and find what you really want, you have probably forgotten the importance of just thinking alone and only about yourself through this whole affair. Once you can focus inwardly you will find better clarity.

[TRaczaj]

My friend lost his job today...

[JohnM]

Fair do, its mostly a side issue to the story though. Job or no job, the same situation is present. Support him lightly with it, but only if he seems to request it. Otherwise back away and leave it be for now.