funnygirl1980 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I have been involved in an A for several months now. I have not heard from OM in over a week which is very unusal. I have tried to contact him and no luck. We did not have a fight and the last time we talked there was nothing out of the ordinary. He is not married and doesn't have a gf. My fear is that either something happened to him or my H found out and told him to get lost. My hope is that he just decided that he couldn't do this anymore and had to just stop. Not like I'd deserve a explanation... I'm the cheater. H hasn't been acting any differently lately so I don't think he contacted OM unless he's about to drop the bomb on me. Any thoughts? Other than I should tell my H about the affair which I will, but I still don't know what to think just yet about what happened to OM.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Perhaps he met someone else? That is really the only reason I can think of where he would not contact you, or not even at least try.
joey66 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I have been involved in an A for several months now. I have not heard from OM in over a week which is very unusal. I have tried to contact him and no luck. We did not have a fight and the last time we talked there was nothing out of the ordinary. He is not married and doesn't have a gf. My fear is that either something happened to him or my H found out and told him to get lost. My hope is that he just decided that he couldn't do this anymore and had to just stop. Not like I'd deserve a explanation... I'm the cheater. H hasn't been acting any differently lately so I don't think he contacted OM unless he's about to drop the bomb on me. Any thoughts? Other than I should tell my H about the affair which I will, but I still don't know what to think just yet about what happened to OM. I don't know why he hasn't contacted you, but I'd give it a little more time before I gave up on him. A week isn't so very long. I disagree with the bolded part. If your A is over, just let it go. Why start trouble if it isn't necessary? JMO. Good luck.
fooled once Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 joey, why do you think the affair is over? From what the poster wrote, I don't see that at all. funnygirl, maybe he just decided to end it? I would let it go and move towards fixing your marriage than being fixated on the OM. Your moods/attitude/anxiety over where he is will end up signaling your H that something is up and you may have to explain yourself to him. Are you ready for your marriage to be over?
joey66 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 joey, why do you think the affair is over? From what the poster wrote, I don't see that at all. funnygirl, maybe he just decided to end it? I would let it go and move towards fixing your marriage than being fixated on the OM. Your moods/attitude/anxiety over where he is will end up signaling your H that something is up and you may have to explain yourself to him. Are you ready for your marriage to be over? fooled once - I don't necessarily think the A is over. That's why I think she should give it some more time. funnygirl wrote that she is going to tell her H and that suggests to me that she think it's over. funnygirl - Do you think it's over?
Author funnygirl1980 Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 I'm not ready to end my marriage and I wasn't really ready to end the A but if OM is done then I guess I am too. Are you saying I shouldn't tell my H? Should I just go on like nothing happened? He already noticed my anxiety. If he does know about OM then I'm dying to know! I wouldn't think he'd be able to keep something like that to himself unless his whole purpose was to get rid of OM. Maybe he thought if he told OM to get lost, the problem is solved. I know I have no right to feel this way, but I feel "abandoned" by OM. It is true that he maybe he did meet someone else. That's the problem with being MW. I have no control over what OM does. I have someone else, why can't he? I'm starting to really regret ever getting involved with him in the first place. I never realized I could be jealous over him. It started out as fun and strictly physical. Now I only picture him with someone else. I know I'm jumping to conclusions all over the place here but it's really hard to not know what's going on at all. I live too far away from OM to just drive by his house and I am not a bunny boiler or stalker. If I'm not wanted, I go. I just don't know if I'm not wanted because I know nothing.
naturegirl Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I would not tell your husband about the affair. It would crush him and if it is over with the OM, move on and repair your marriage. But I would not tell him. If you do, he may not be willing to stay in the marriage with you and you will spend the rest of your married life having to answer for that and deal with the mistrust.
jwi71 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I'm not ready to end my marriage and I wasn't really ready to end the A but if OM is done then I guess I am too. Are you saying I shouldn't tell my H? Should I just go on like nothing happened? He already noticed my anxiety. Yeah...and it won't be long before the wondering why becomes questions. And if the answers seem "off" to him, he'll start digging. I heartily believe that confession is whats best for you both. And that may mean the end of your M, I make no claim to your M surviving...that's up to you two. You might be surprised to know that the A isn't what kills the M, its the lies and cover-ups that do it. But its not easy no matter the outcome. However, ultimately I think you will BOTH be better off regardless if the M survives. If he does know about OM then I'm dying to know! I wouldn't think he'd be able to keep something like that to himself unless his whole purpose was to get rid of OM. Maybe he thought if he told OM to get lost, the problem is solved. I know I have no right to feel this way, but I feel "abandoned" by OM. Who knows. Maybe he knows and is planning an ambush D. Maybe he beat the hell out of the OM. Maybe the OM had a gf he hid from you. Maybe the OM...oh, seriously, he knows how to contact you and if he wants to he will. You have a bigger problem. Your H is displaying the first signs of "I think something isn't right with my W". And this needs to be concern number one. I just don't know if I'm not wanted because I know nothing. He doesn't really owe you an explanation and silence sends a message stronger than any word. Not trying to be rude but that's just the facts there. Yeah, A's suck. They have little, if any, redeeming qualities long term. So...I'd mourn the loss as privately as possible. Then get yourself to IC and then MC with the hubby...then confess. There are FAR more reconciled M's than A's that lead to happy M's imo.
GreenEyedLady Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Maybe he is trying to show you that you are as replaceable as he is. GEL
Gingertree Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Maybe he is trying to show you that you are as replaceable as he is. GEL I don't doubt that. It just seems weird that all of the sudden he's vanished without word. If I wanted to end the A, I think I'd at least send him a message that says "I can't do this. Don't contact me anymore." That's kind of cold but not as cold as silence. The bad thing about silence is there are no answers. At least with a short message, I have a real answer.
Gingertree Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Yeah...and it won't be long before the wondering why becomes questions. And if the answers seem "off" to him, he'll start digging. I heartily believe that confession is whats best for you both. And that may mean the end of your M, I make no claim to your M surviving...that's up to you two. You might be surprised to know that the A isn't what kills the M, its the lies and cover-ups that do it. But its not easy no matter the outcome. However, ultimately I think you will BOTH be better off regardless if the M survives. Who knows. Maybe he knows and is planning an ambush D. Maybe he beat the hell out of the OM. Maybe the OM had a gf he hid from you. Maybe the OM...oh, seriously, he knows how to contact you and if he wants to he will. You have a bigger problem. Your H is displaying the first signs of "I think something isn't right with my W". And this needs to be concern number one. He doesn't really owe you an explanation and silence sends a message stronger than any word. Not trying to be rude but that's just the facts there. Yeah, A's suck. They have little, if any, redeeming qualities long term. So...I'd mourn the loss as privately as possible. Then get yourself to IC and then MC with the hubby...then confess. There are FAR more reconciled M's than A's that lead to happy M's imo. You're not being rude at all. I guess that's why it hurts so bad because the silence is sending a message if my H hasn't contacted him or he's not hurt. I've used silence to get rid of people before I was married. Maybe I'm reaping what I sowed. It sucks being the "dumpee" but I do have a marriage to work on. My marriage is worth it but I definitely need MC or IC or both at this point. OM filled a void in my life and now I'm aching. I want my H to fill that void but it's not happening right now. I know I have a lot of work to do. I really want my H to be the only one I want.
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Maybe he is trying to show you that you are as replaceable as he is. GEL I tend to agree here. The A isn't that long, how serious could it be? Maybe he got sick and tired of being second fiddle, knowing full well the A is pointless and going nowhere, except eventually people are going to get hurt. Maybe he met someone else and doesn't feel obligated to let you know. Or, maybe he just needs time alone, time to think about what HE wants. Back off and let him contact you. And, when he does call, reguardless of his reason for not contacting you for a week, end it with him.
GreenEyedLady Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I don't doubt that. It just seems weird that all of the sudden he's vanished without word. If I wanted to end the A, I think I'd at least send him a message that says "I can't do this. Don't contact me anymore." That's kind of cold but not as cold as silence. The bad thing about silence is there are no answers. At least with a short message, I have a real answer. Ok, men like feeling like they are in control. You're showing him daily that he's not your priority. If he was your priority, you'd be with him and not your H. He's not in control of any facet of this R. It makes people sick to their stomach's to know that someone they care deeply about are going about their life without you fancy free. Why would you owe that person anything? They haven't treated you good. They call you when they get a chance cuz they're married right? But that means they owe you something? Put yourself in his shoes. How would you like to know for a fact that he was going home to someone else and telling them that he loves them and sleeping with them? Because that's what he feels about you being married. GEL
SavannahSmiles Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Maybe he decided the drama was not worth it. I agree, and Gingertree, you should decide the drama isn't worth it either. This is drama that could go away if you'd thank your lucky stars OM isn't some stalker or won't leave you alone. Maybe you could look at it like he's doing you a favor. Maybe he knows how weak you are and that you'd never be able to end it so he did it for you. He may even feel...uh oh... guilty. He's the one sleeping with another man's wife. He's the one who didn't give a toot about your H. It's funny how you expect decency and curtesy from someone who is willing to what he did knowing you have everything to lose and he really has nothing to lose. Reality check - you are a MW giving him sex for a few months. He's probably ready to move along. You even said it started out as purely physical. That's probably ALL he wanted. If you became too emotional, which I'm not saying you did, he probably got scared or as woggle put it, didn't think it was worth the drama. The truth hurts but I don't think a few months of your life with this loser is worth your anxiety. If you want to work on your M, do it. Stop wasting another second on OM who has probably moved on just fine.
SavannahSmiles Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I meant to add this: DO NOT CONTACT HIM ANYMORE. One or two weeks from now you may the urge to contact him but DON'T. Let your silence also speak louder than words. Someone else said this too: If he does decide to contact you, no matter what the reason, end the A immediately. Unless you want a divorce and want to be with OM, you have no other choice. It will be difficult, but the right thing is hardly ever the easiest thing to do. Good luck, and it does sound like you are on the right track as long as you can close the book on OM. A year from now it won't matter how the A ended. What will matter is that it ended.
silverplanets Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I'm not ready to end my marriage and I wasn't really ready to end the A but if OM is done then I guess I am too. Are you saying I shouldn't tell my H? </QUOTE> Your marriage (as it used to be) is already ended. What you have now is a relationship based upon deception. You can move forwards from this to a new/stronger relationship with your H, you can end it, or you can live in that dead zone in the middle. Should I just go on like nothing happened? He already noticed my anxiety. If he does know about OM then I'm dying to know! I wouldn't think he'd be able to keep something like that to himself unless his whole purpose was to get rid of OM. Maybe he thought if he told OM to get lost, the problem is solved. No this would not solve the problem. This would just solve a minor symptom .. ie you and the OM. Your problem still remains? Why did you do it? What's missing in your M? What's missing in you? etc etc I know I have no right to feel this way, but I feel "abandoned" by OM. It is true that he maybe he did meet someone else. That's the problem with being MW. I have no control over what OM does. You have no control over him, your H or any other person in this world. You have control over you and you alone. The best you can hope for is people treat you as you treat them .. and that might be worth thinking about. I have someone else, why can't he? I'm starting to really regret ever getting involved with him in the first place. I never realized I could be jealous over him. It started out as fun and strictly physical. # Actually you probably don't have someone else - but again, you don't realise it yet. All you have is someone (your H) who hopefully loves you but isn't aware that you've strayed. So at best what you have is someone with you on a basis of deception. Now I only picture him with someone else. I know I'm jumping to conclusions all over the place here but it's really hard to not know what's going on at all. Welcome to your OM's world. He has to picture you with your H ... probablty having the best sex of your marriage because you are "spiced" up with all this extra attention. You're just getting a glimpse of how hard it is for the OM if he has any feelings for you .... I live too far away from OM to just drive by his house and I am not a bunny boiler or stalker. I don't know if you are a bunny boiler or a stalker .. but you are a cheat in your marriage .. and you need to stop and consider what that means If I'm not wanted, I go. I just don't know if I'm not wanted because I know nothing. Hey - well, another insight for you .. this time into your H's world .... all you "don't know" is whether your bit on the side is still available to you ... what your H doesn't know ... well that's in a whole new league. FG- I appreciate your honesty, and your position and am not "on your case". I've been where you are (and left my M) and i've been an OM. If you "love" your H then what are you doing? How wuold he feel seeing you with OM? If you "love" your OM then what are you donig? Imagine how he feels imagining you with your H? There's plenty of threads on here about peope working on their marriages after an A has shown them that things just aren't right ... if that's you then read those threads and it will give you maybe ideas about how to proceed. If you aren't in your marriage properly then let H go- I guarantee he will find someone who loves him and wants to be with him - and take your chances on the singles scene with the rest of us. The emotions you feel now are probably 1/100th of what your H will feel about you cheating and probably about 1/10th of what our OM feels constantly about imagining you with H ... So if they are causing you problems , then imagine the intensity these others in your drama will/do feel .. Best of luck, and like I said, not judging ... made to many bad decisions of my own for that .. and not bitter either .. just waking you up to the realities Chris
Silly_Girl Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Brilliant post SP! FG - work with your home situation because no matter what happens - or not - with OM your home life, your marriage, your relationship there is going to need sorting. You have to think hard (and work hard), no OM on the scene, do you do everything you can to save (improve?) your marriage, or do you let it trickle away. You need a clear head to work through this and I know it's tough but your OM cannot at all help you in deciding what to do about your marriage. That's for you and you alone. Good luck.
Ms. Red Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I have been involved in an A for several months now. I have not heard from OM in over a week which is very unusal. I have tried to contact him and no luck. We did not have a fight and the last time we talked there was nothing out of the ordinary. He is not married and doesn't have a gf. My fear is that either something happened to him or my H found out and told him to get lost. My hope is that he just decided that he couldn't do this anymore and had to just stop. Not like I'd deserve a explanation... I'm the cheater. H hasn't been acting any differently lately so I don't think he contacted OM unless he's about to drop the bomb on me. Any thoughts? Other than I should tell my H about the affair which I will, but I still don't know what to think just yet about what happened to OM. Hi Funnygirl. Welcome to LS. I was wondering if you've seen this thread and how can you answer that? Would you know if something happened to him? I hope nothing has but I couldn't help thinking of that thread while reading yours. I hope you find something out soon either way. I wish you well.
stoploss11 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Funny Girl and any women in a R who have the A. How often is it because you think ur R is over and want to move on but are afraid to go alone? Also how often did you contact less the OM when ur R was going well? Does the OM ever have your full heart? Do you mean the things you say to the OM or are htey just to keep him around?
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