Kwoneshe Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 My husband and I have been married almost 3 yrs. He is 44 and I'm 41. We've both been married once before, and all children are almost grown. (his youngest is 13, lives with mom) We've both had bad relationships in the past. Trust is a somewhat shaky issue for both of us. I was married to my first husband 20 yrs, so it wasn't a short term thing. He had some personal problems, got hooked on prescription painpills and became emotionally unattached and violent at times. I tried to help him. I tried to tell him that we needed emotional connection. He was deaf to my pleas. I ended up leaving him, for another man who was "there for me emotionally". That didn't work out. My current husband left his own wife under similar circumstances. Fastforward to now. I love my husband so much. I go out of my way to make sure he doesn't have a reason to not trust me. And I've not been talking to anyone else - I learned my lesson the first time. The thing is, he has become more and more emotionally unavailable recently. LOT of life events. He lost his job, we lost our home, moved to another state, he has a custody battle. Major things that are certainly weighing on his mind. But.... I am here for him. I love him, and keep trying to tell him that we've got to have the emotional connect thing, or it's not going to work, and he doesn't hear me. He used to talk out problems with me, listen when I needed him to, and made me feel like I was number one in his life. Lately, not so much. And it's been feeding my already -massive insecurities. I've tried everything that I can think of to "reach" him. I don't have family to talk to. I don't have friends. And I'm getting to the end of my rope. How can I get through to him before it's too late?
ComputerJock Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 There are a lot of online sources for help. Love Shack is one of them. Another good one is MarriageBuilders. Reading previous posts can give you ideas on what to do. Being on Love Shack you are going to get responses from people who have been through tough times and have come here for advice and have ended up staying because they are now experienced and can and will give you feedback. Remember you are not alone, we are here to help, to guide you, and to give you further sources to read and help you with your problems. 1
xxoo Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I love him' date=' and keep [b']trying to tell him that we've got to have the emotional connect thing[/b], or it's not going to work, and he doesn't hear me. He used to talk out problems with me, listen when I needed him to, and made me feel like I was number one in his life. Lately, not so much. And it's been feeding my already -massive insecurities. I've tried everything that I can think of to "reach" him. About the bolded, do you generally say it like that? Because that seems *big and vague* to me (a communicative woman), and I can only imagine how it sounds to the typical guy. My H shuts down when I talk about talking, or get emotional about emotions One idea is to express very specific needs, and give him some control of the timing: "I need to talk to you about ______. When can we talk?" I don't have family to talk to. I don't have friends. And I'm getting to the end of my rope. How can I get through to him before it's too late? You need to make some friends! Remember that you H can't be all things for you. He'll never meet all of your needs, and it isn't healthy or realistic to expect him to do so. Do you need some ideas on how to meet people and make friends? 1
Author Kwoneshe Posted May 13 Author Posted May 13 15 yrs later.... So much. He was transferred to another office due to sexual misconduct complaints against him. At the new office, more complaints and he was forced to resign. 2 years after the first place incident, he finally admitted most of it was true: off color jokes and flirtations (with one physical incident). He took accountability, asked for forgiveness and wanted me to stay. I did. During the time all of the above was happening: * I was taking care of his 94 yr old grandfather in our home. He then passed. * We had nearly 2 years of fear my husband would lose his job, we would lose our home, etc. * My dad - who was my rock - passed away. * My estranged mother passed away 7 months later. * My estranged sister passed the following month. I have been a trainwreck ever since. He acts too friendly towards a female, he keeps a truth from me? I am back to ground zero. Panic attacks, depression, emotional distress. Add to that, I was diagnosed with heart problems last year. I don't want sympathy; just laying the groundwork so that you all have an idea of where I'm at today. There was another blowup last night, due to him keeping a truth from me. Seems he had to train a female at work. Rather than telling me, he thought it best to keep it from me. I found out via his phone. "Path of lease resistance" he says. "Do the RIGHT thing not the EASY thing," I said! He then spent over half an hour tearing me apart with his words. Over things that had nothing to do with the current discussion. Told me to leave, repeatedly. Made snide comments, insults, overtalked me. Then followed it up with, "I love you. I want to be with you" etc. I don't know what to do. I'm tired emotionally, physically, mentally. He expects me to "be over" it. Not realizing, or caring?, how much he damaged me. I haven't had my dad to talk to, since he passed 5 yrs ago. I'm pretty isolated due to my anxiety disorder and depression. The person who is supposed to be there for me, is the one who makes me feel as if the rug is constantly being pulled out from under my feet. I have love for the man. I don't particularly like him at the moment. Divorce is off the table, for me. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest. I need to work through what is next. (in rebuilding our marriage) Open to suggestions and kind words..... thank you.
BaileyB Posted May 14 Posted May 14 (edited) On 5/13/2025 at 7:04 AM, Kwoneshe said: I need to work through what is next. (in rebuilding our marriage) How exactly can you rebuild a marriage with a man who is withdrawn, proven himself to be untrustworthy and dishonest given the fact that he has behaved inappropriately and lied to you, and then the fact that he is gaslighting, belittling, and emotionally abusing you? I respect your commitment to your marriage. We obviously don’t know the circumstance of your marriage or your culture. But, I ask with all sincerity - if you have the option to divorce, why would you chose to stay? None of the above would be acceptable from my life partner. If for no other reason, the fact that he has poor boundaries with other women and there have been allegations of sexual misconduct in the workplace would cause me to file for divorce immediately. That speaks to me of a lack of character/respect for women and a lack of respect for the workplace. My advice - find someone who can counsel and support you. That may be a counsellor, a family member, a minister - This situation is causing you significant distress. The anxiety and depression that you are feeling - that is your body trying to tell you something… and rightfully so, something is very wrong with your husband/in your marriage. But - you can not fix him. Love is not enough - At a certain point, you will need to admit to yourself that staying is causing you grave emotional and physical harm. I know it’s hard, which is why you need to shore up your support. You are not wrong or a bad person to leave a marriage that causes you this much pain - Your health and wellbeing is important. If you don’t take care of yourself, nobody else can. Please take care of yourself above all else. Edited May 14 by BaileyB
BaileyB Posted May 14 Posted May 14 I’m sorry, I’m sure that my post is not really what you wanted to hear. But, I am very concerned for you. You have been a good partner to this man - I’m sorry that your love and commitment have not been returned to you in the way that it should have been. That said, by your description I would say that he is emotionally abusive. You have supported him through very difficult circumstances and at great personal cost - and I would advise you to stop doing that. As I said above, it’s time to take care of yourself. I wish you all the best.
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