smartblonde Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I hope I've posted this in the right forum.... My H left me for another woman and they are currently living together. Every email, text message, communication that I send him, she sees. She knows everything about our separation agreement, financial arrangements, disagreements, etc. I have never sent her anything directly yet she has sent me nasty email and text message in response to emails and text message I sent my ex-husband. I know for a fact that this has caused many disagreement between the two of them and is a source of stress in their relationship. I've had a few short relationships myself and I've always believed that its completely unnecessary to talk about my ex when I with them. However, there are times when I'm dealing with my ex about something on-going, like the custody arrangement or child support and sometimes, its not amicable. Actually, it can get down right nasty and its obvious that I'm distracted or moody. My question is...would I talk to my current boyfriend about my ex-husband woes or completely leave him out of the loop and just deal with it quietly on my own?
Serenitynow Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Ask the guy if he minds if you vent once in awhile ( if that makes you feel better) But really what would be the reason to talk about it ? If you are asking advice from your current on how to handle something with the ex, or kids situation thats fine, but other than that I dont see much of a reason
Stung Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 When we were initially dating, we didn't talk too much about his relationship with his ex or their custody juggling, unless something big was going on. Of course, everything on their end was mostly amicable as they'd broken up years before (never married) and were both primarily interested in what was best for their child and therefore worked to avoid too much drama. Your situation sounds much uglier and more volatile and it's understandable that it's a major preoccupation. After we moved in together, I got more involved in custody arrangements as I began taking on a more active step-parenting role and so my schedule had to be taken into consideration as well as everybody else's, and now that we are married I am privy to their financial dealings with each other and most of their personal interaction, because my husband and I are a partnership and my stepdaughter and I are also each other's family. I certainly don't see every text or listen to every voicemail, however, as I trust my husband to give me the gist of the situation. I function primarily as his counsel when he is frustrated by his communication problems with his ex, and as his daughter's third parent I try to be relatively impartial and just support him emotionally while backing him up in making sure we get our equal time with the child. IMO the level of disclosure and interaction should grow with the relationship. If you are just dating casually, I wouldn't make your bf privy to much of your personal/financial dealings with your ex, other than to occasionally vent to him if need be--the function any friend can fulfill. He doesn't need a lot of detail or drama, but he should support you when you really need it, and be at least aware of the basics, that's just honesty on your part. Your ex's relationship with his OW sounds pretty unhealthy, btw. She sounds very controlling and jealous of you, although granted this is all presented to us through your lens.
Author smartblonde Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Thanks for the replies. I guess I have to accept that my ex will share everything about our business to her. I don't like it but I have no choice. To be honest, it makes me feel quite vulnerable and exposed and I think this is where my anger over this situation is coming from. Stung, it sounds like you have taken a very respectful position in your husband's life when it comes to matters dealing with ex. Kudos to you. I wish my ex-husband's girlfriend could read you post and take some advice from it. If my ex is letting our business interfere in his relationship with his girlfriend, that's his problem. I just want to make sure that any relationship I enter into, I don't fall into the same trap.
phineas Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 But, he isn't your ex-husband because you are still dealing with the divorce crap. This is why I havn't gone out looking for women. Sure the seperation was pleasant enough. But the divorce agreement puts me in a foul mood & I make poor company. I personally wouldn't want to deal with someone in your situation & I wouldn't expect anyone to deal with me in mine. OM choose to be with a married man with children. She probably doesn't like the idea of him paying a chunk of his income for child support.
Stung Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Well I can't say there hasn't been any friction between his ex and myself, but she is my stepdaughter's mother and I love my stepdaughter, and we all try to do what's in her best interest. Also, and this is key to your situation, I believe: I trust and respect my husband. It doesn't sound like this OW trusts and respects your ex, it sounds like she is jealous of his continued necessary interaction with you and trying to keep him on a really short leash. Considering the origins of their relationship, I guess it's not too surprising that she's suspicious of him. I don't think she has any business poring over every miniscule scrap of communication between the two of you, no. But you're right, there's really nothing you can do about it but accept it, since he chooses to engage in this dynamic. Since you have kids involved, you just have to try to bury the hatchet and keep this woman placated so she's relatively calm and good-natured around your children. Sucks I know and honestly I'd have a hard time with that in your shoes considering the vile history there, but it is what it is. You and she could get into a prolonged power play and as the kid's mom you'd likely come out on top, but she could make things really ugly for your kids if she's the vindictive type, and she doesn't exactly reek of emotional maturity. I'd keep my venting about that aspect to a minimum with any boyfriends (i.e. how difficult it is to make nice with the OW) as they will assume you are still hung up on your ex if it seems to be something you're dwelling on. Don't keep it bottled up, though, that's not healthy. Hopefully you can come to peace with knowing you're the better woman, and not an insecure controlling harpy.
Author smartblonde Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Phineas...not sure where you live. I live in Canada and perhaps divorce is dealt with differently here than where you are. When I discovered my H's affair, he left the house and we negotiated a separation agreement that dealt with custody, child support and division of assets. I could not file for divorce until we had live separate and apart for one year...which I did as soon as the year was up. We are now divorced and the agreement we previously negotiation is still in place. However, the agreement states that child support can be amended since it is based on my H's annual income. If his income goes up, child support goes up. So every year I have to request his tax return, visit my lawyer and amend the agreement. This will be an on-going issue until my kids are no longer entitled to child support. That's why I needed to know how much of this to share with my current partner since dealing with my ex will always be a part of my life.
phineas Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Phineas...not sure where you live. I live in Canada and perhaps divorce is dealt with differently here than where you are. When I discovered my H's affair, he left the house and we negotiated a separation agreement that dealt with custody, child support and division of assets. I could not file for divorce until we had live separate and apart for one year...which I did as soon as the year was up. We are now divorced and the agreement we previously negotiation is still in place. However, the agreement states that child support can be amended since it is based on my H's annual income. If his income goes up, child support goes up. So every year I have to request his tax return, visit my lawyer and amend the agreement. This will be an on-going issue until my kids are no longer entitled to child support. That's why I needed to know how much of this to share with my current partner since dealing with my ex will always be a part of my life. Is the extra money worth all the aggravation? Just because you can stick it to him every time he makes a few extra bucks doesn't mean you have to. and this is how OM is viewing it so yes she is going to go on the war path. Also, my buddies ex-wife was like this. she kept taking him to court every yr to get an extra 10 or 20$ a month out of him. Why? because she could. She didn't care that he living like a poor college student at 30 yrs old. Until the kids got old enough & decided they wanted to live with dad. Then the tears came & the begging for mercy because now she owed HIM child support. If you truely need the money to support your kids then go get it because he did choose to abandon his family. But, if it's out of spite for him leaving you? Just let it go. It isn't worth it in the end.
Author smartblonde Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Good point. Is it worth it? Right now, I would say yes. My thinking on this issue is that since I'm entitled to amend the agreement with respect to child support, I should take full advantage of this. Even if his income went down, I would amend the agreement. Fair is fair. And unfortunately, I need the money. I decided to stay in the marital home for the sake of the kids and its quite costly to maintain. I can manage but its tight. I don't understand how the OW would view this as "sticking it to him"? He's required to pay child support and he agreed to annual adjustments. Obviously, if the OW had this viewpoint, it would be for purely selfish reasons since their quality of life might be affected if the amount of support he paid went up. (For the record, we're dealing with a $300/month increase). Why should I not persue this? Why should he not live up to his obligations that he agreed to in the separation agreement? It's not out of spite...I'm doing it because it benefits my kids and I am entitled, by contract law, to do it.
phineas Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I understand you 100% & agree then. as to why the OW is acting that way? It's a totally different situation but it's still a head scratcher. My STBXW cheated on me & left. I have 50/50 split with kids. every woman I know & I mean EVERY woman has told me my STBXW shouldn't get anything from me. That she doesn't deserve child support because she cheated & left. It boggles my mind. Obviously OW is a selfish person. She had an affair with a married man. I really wouldn't expect a person like that to not hate you considering she probably view you as the one interfering in their lives. just ignore her. your business isn't with her.
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