Who Brings Condoms to The Affair?

[WalkInThePark]

On this we agree, and I told him so. I am grateful for barrier protection.

 

I then asked, "Okay, two weeks later after the ONS where you told her how guilty you felt about it, she called you and said, can you help me with my difficult son? And you went there with a toy truck, and you said "Things just got out of hand..." What happened?

 

His repsonse: She had the condoms. She always had the condoms. In retrospect, I felt somewhat set up.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

No, not set up. Played is more like it. You were definitely palyed. She knew you were one guilt sot, but made sure to make it easier for you,....

 

She had the condoms, so you could feel less guilty.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

Spark, what is your point? Topic after topic, post after post, you are proving what a bad calculated woman the OW was. Don't you think we know it by now?

Your affair is over for quite some time, your H stayed with you and you say that your M is better than before.

Shouldn't you wonder why you keep focusing on the A then? What purpose does that serve?

 

On topic now. I have no sexual partner for the moment and ONS are not my thing. Yet when I go on holiday I take condoms with me. Just in case. As some said: it's better to have them and not need them than need them when you don't have them. I am 99% sure that I won't use these condoms but I feel better when I have them with me.

[Hazyhead]

While condoms don`t prove premeditiation, what also needs to be considered are premedittation conversations that may occur. IMO, someone doesn`t buy condoms to have sex with anyone, especially an external to M AP, without "the conversation". Even with condoms, there are still STD risks. I just can`t imagine two adults engaging in sexual activity withouth the conversation of... when was the last time you got tested, have you ever had one...etc

 

And uhhhh, she didn`t have to trick him to come over... If they were in an A... she would be relying on him for emo support... calling her AP would be quite natural... as natual as his guilt disappearing as soon as he saw her. I fail to see the corelation of sex after guilt, being trickery on the OWs end. just my thoughts.

 

 

 

I had a similar experience. We had the 'hypothetical' protection conversation before we went through with it. And, at the time, it was still unplanned in that moment, but given how it had been alluded to many times we were more than ready. I'm sorry Spark, but I just can't see how your husband hadn't gone to wherever it was that they met without it as a possibility in his mind. Affairs generally lead down a certain path. You don't jump straight in with accidently finding yourself in that situation.

[Spark1111]

I had a similar experience. We had the 'hypothetical' protection conversation before we went through with it. And, at the time, it was still unplanned in that moment, but given how it had been alluded to many times we were more than ready. I'm sorry Spark, but I just can't see how your husband hadn't gone to wherever it was that they met without it as a possibility in his mind. Affairs generally lead down a certain path. You don't jump straight in with accidently finding yourself in that situation.

 

Thanks, Hazy...this is exactly my point.

 

It is talked of, alluded to, discussed and planned, or hoped for on both their parts.

 

So why then, do so many of hear the line, "we never meant to hurt you. Things got out of hand....or, It just happened. This seems delusional or a defense machanism to me.

 

Because so much effort, disclosed or undisclosed to each other, takes place WAY before the relationship turns physical, IMO.

[Hazyhead]

Thanks, Hazy...this is exactly my point.

 

It is talked of, alluded to, discussed and planned, or hoped for on both their parts.

 

So why then, do so many of hear the line, "we never meant to hurt you. Things got out of hand....or, It just happened. This seems delusional or a defense machanism to me.

 

Because so much effort, disclosed or undisclosed to each other, takes place WAY before the relationship turns physical, IMO.

 

 

Sorry Spark, I misunderstood you. You are exactly right though. I always find the 'it just happened' excuse a total copout for not taking responsibility. I can't answer your question because I do not know myself. My experience was planned and my eyes wide open to the possibilities. I'm not proud of my decisions and actions around this time but I own them and can honestly say i would never act so hurtfully again.

[jennie-jennie]

Thanks, Hazy...this is exactly my point.

 

It is talked of, alluded to, discussed and planned, or hoped for on both their parts.

 

So why then, do so many of hear the line, "we never meant to hurt you. Things got out of hand....or, It just happened. This seems delusional or a defense machanism to me.

 

Because so much effort, disclosed or undisclosed to each other, takes place WAY before the relationship turns physical, IMO.

 

I don't know about others, maybe it was different for us because we had known each other earlier in life. What I can say is that it immediately got out of hands for us. It was such a strong force, such a strong connection, that there never was any chance to control it.

 

We exchanged two emails each, then I got sick and did not check my email for several days. Once I did, my MM was already desperately pursuing me. The chemistry between us was unbelievable from that point forward. No will power could have stopped this. It just escalated from then on.

[Hazyhead]

I don't know about others, maybe it was different for us because we had known each other earlier in life. What I can say is that it immediately got out of hands for us. It was such a strong force, such a strong connection, that there never was any chance to control it.

 

We exchanged two emails each, then I got sick and did not check my email for several days. Once I did, my MM was already desperately pursuing me. The chemistry between us was unbelievable from that point forward. No will power could have stopped this. It just escalated from then on.

 

I'm sorry Jennie; I understand that force, I felt it. But, it was my decision and his decision that moved things forward. Yes, it would have been difficult to resist, but not impossible. You just don't do it. That simple.

[jennie-jennie]

I'm sorry Jennie; I understand that force, I felt it. But, it was my decision and his decision that moved things forward. Yes, it would have been difficult to resist, but not impossible. You just don't do it. That simple.

 

For you perhaps. Not for us. Perhaps that is the difference between rekindled love and new love.

 

For me I of course never thought it morally wrong either to pursue that love. That could make a difference.

[jennie-jennie]

I'm sorry Jennie; I understand that force, I felt it. But, it was my decision and his decision that moved things forward. Yes, it would have been difficult to resist, but not impossible. You just don't do it. That simple.

 

May I ask, Hazy, if it was that simple, why did you have an affair?

[Hazyhead]

May I ask, Hazy, if it was that simple, why did you have an affair?

 

I made the wrong decision. I chose to embark upon the affair. Yes, the pull was immense, like none I have ever known, but I still had free will. I'm sorry Jennie, I don't mean to minimise what happened with you guys or how overwhelming the feelings were but you still chose your path. And, I might have made the wrong choice but millions of people do not engage in affairs despite temptation. If I was ever in that situation again, the result would not be the same. That I know for sure. To get back on topic, I think Spark's husband made the choice, regardless of the feelings and that his AP might have been the one steering their path.

 

It is possible to say no.

[MizFit]

On this we agree, and I told him so. I am grateful for barrier protection.

 

I then asked, "Okay, two weeks later after the ONS where you told her how guilty you felt about it, she called you and said, can you help me with my difficult son? And you went there with a toy truck, and you said "Things just got out of hand..." What happened?

 

His repsonse: She had the condoms. She always had the condoms. In retrospect, I felt somewhat set up.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

No, not set up. Played is more like it. You were definitely palyed. She knew you were one guilt sot, but made sure to make it easier for you,....

 

She had the condoms, so you could feel less guilty.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

Keep in mind that many MM aren't going to carry or have condoms on them because they aren't used at home...it's a distinct possibility he asked her to make sure they were available.

 

Condoms making someone feel less guilty? For some reason I don't see that being any reason at all for someone to choose not to have an A. If you want sex and you're smart...you'll go and get some condoms at a 24 hr store or service station. I can't see her ensuring condoms were available would have been the thing that clinched the deal.

[jennie-jennie]

I made the wrong decision. I chose to embark upon the affair. Yes, the pull was immense, like none I have ever known, but I still had free will. I'm sorry Jennie, I don't mean to minimise what happened with you guys or how overwhelming the feelings were but you still chose your path. And, I might have made the wrong choice but millions of people do not engage in affairs despite temptation. If I was ever in that situation again, the result would not be the same. That I know for sure. To get back on topic, I think Spark's husband made the choice, regardless of the feelings and that his AP might have been the one steering their path.

 

It is possible to say no.

 

I don't think I agree with you here, Hazy. I think you and I could say no to an affair today because we now have experienced the bad consequences of being in one. Not having experienced that earlier I at least was in no position to say no at the time. You have to want to say no to be able to say no. I had no reason to want to say no earlier.

 

I know both you and I had no idea we would be caught in a long term affair. We thought our MM would make a choice. Knowing now that one can be caught up in a long term affair, our resistance against one would be much greater.

[MizFit]

Do you really believe condoms were used?

 

This is something I don't understand...why would you assume they were NOT used? I can only speak for myself and people I know, but safe sex is practiced until you're in a LTR, monogamous relationship with someone. There seems to be this underlying feeling that OW are circling like herpes and genital wart laden sharks just waiting to infect someone. Keep in mind that we have no idea what he's doing any more than we do a single guy we may be seeing. We also have no idea what the BS is doing.

 

I know that some people chance things...that happened even in the Aids outbreak...but I just don't think that people are that irresponsible. I obviously can't speak for anyone else so maybe my reaction is way out of line, but I feel so strongly about them I guess I assume everyone else does.

[Feelin Frisky]

....But, do you know of women who carry condoms to the anticipated first date? Or all the time?

 

Do you know their motives? What is your opinion. Be honest here.

 

Tell me please, from the perspective of a man.....please.

Women are not all the same. Some are liberal, others puritanical. I'd say if she's well of age, she may just carry a condom or two in her purse all the time even if sex is not on the immediate agenda. Men can't carry them around because they get eventually degraded by being in a wallet or pocket where other objects like loose change and keys and make them a mess. I can't say of this person you mention if she had an agenda and brought condoms with her just for the occasion, or if she just keeps them because she can ( without the rough treatment they'd get in a man's pants or wallet) and she wants to be precautionary. They don't take up much space in a pouch in a pocket book.

[MizFit]

I'm not assuming anything at all.

 

So were you there the night in question? I take it since you weren't assuming you must have a pretty good insight into what happened. Or maybe I'm missing the point of what you posted...

[MizFit]

I don't think I agree with you here, Hazy. I think you and I could say no to an affair today because we now have experienced the bad consequences of being in one. Not having experienced that earlier I at least was in no position to say no at the time. You have to want to say no to be able to say no. I had no reason to want to say no earlier.

 

I know both you and I had no idea we would be caught in a long term affair. We thought our MM would make a choice. Knowing now that one can be caught up in a long term affair, our resistance against one would be much greater.

 

J-J...I have to say that is a very interesting take on things...20/20 hindsight.

[NoIDidn't]

When I was single, I always carried condoms. And, married, we still purchase them. I can't use hormonal BC, it *messes* with me.

 

I see nothing wrong with a woman carrying them around, just in case. Guys certainly don't carry them.

 

There was a case, a while ago, of a woman that gave her rapist a condom. He got off in court because the judge decided that giving him the condom meant "consent".

[Spark1111]

So were you there the night in question? I take it since you weren't assuming you must have a pretty good insight into what happened. Or maybe I'm missing the point of what you posted...

 

Hey ArtinTX, MizFit, after DDAy, everyone sits down with their docs and gets tested from everything from STDs and HIV.

 

No matter what you swear to be the truth, cuz it's coming out in the lab tests, not just now but in the mandatory follow-ups.

 

Yuck!

[Spark1111]

When I was single, I always carried condoms. And, married, we still purchase them. I can't use hormonal BC, it *messes* with me.

 

I see nothing wrong with a woman carrying them around, just in case. Guys certainly don't carry them.

 

There was a case, a while ago, of a woman that gave her rapist a condom. He got off in court because the judge decided that giving him the condom meant "consent".

 

With a knife to her throat? That is just soooooooo wrong on so many levels, IMO.

[Spark1111]

I made the wrong decision. I chose to embark upon the affair. Yes, the pull was immense, like none I have ever known, but I still had free will. I'm sorry Jennie, I don't mean to minimise what happened with you guys or how overwhelming the feelings were but you still chose your path. And, I might have made the wrong choice but millions of people do not engage in affairs despite temptation. If I was ever in that situation again, the result would not be the same. That I know for sure. To get back on topic, I think Spark's husband made the choice, regardless of the feelings and that his AP might have been the one steering their path.

 

It is possible to say no.

 

This is how I have always chosen to live my life; not that in the darkest days of my marriage I wasn't daydreaming of someone to "rescue" me; not that I didn't have pulls or offers from others who I swear can just sniff out that sort of vulnerability.

 

But I said no. But I have gained a greater understanding here at LS, for those who did not or could not.

[Spark1111]

Keep in mind that many MM aren't going to carry or have condoms on them because they aren't used at home...it's a distinct possibility he asked her to make sure they were available.

 

Condoms making someone feel less guilty? For some reason I don't see that being any reason at all for someone to choose not to have an A. If you want sex and you're smart...you'll go and get some condoms at a 24 hr store or service station. I can't see her ensuring condoms were available would have been the thing that clinched the deal.

 

Oh, that's my point. Nothing was open, not where they were stormed in. And of course, so many other ways to start an affair; it didn't have to be one that required a condom.

 

But I do believe it, on some level, made it easier to cross that last boundary. It at least, allowed him to delude himself that it was an oops, it just got out of hand.

 

And that makes me laugh. Because in therapy, we learn of the million baby steps that are taken to get to that point.

 

And most IC's find the, "oops, it just happened," somewhat laughable.

 

It is another symptom of not owning your actions, and all the actions that led up to that point.

 

It is a powerful form of denial and self-delusion.

[MizFit]

Hey ArtinTX, MizFit, after DDAy, everyone sits down with their docs and gets tested from everything from STDs and HIV.

 

No matter what you swear to be the truth, cuz it's coming out in the lab tests, not just now but in the mandatory follow-ups.

 

Yuck!

 

Did I say it's the truth with every single OW...no. It's a stereotype that is based on nothing but nothing. I've never seen any statistics of how many WS bring home STDs. I can honestly say in all of my life I've only personally known 1 person who has ever had an STD (that talked about it obviously).

 

I'm not swearing anything to be the truth, but I am pretty sure that there are more responsible OW and OM out there than not. And then it all rolls back to the WS...no one's making them go bareback.

[MizFit]

Oh, that's my point. Nothing was open, not where they were stormed in. And of course, so many other ways to start an affair; it didn't have to be one that required a condom.

 

But I do believe it, on some level, made it easier to cross that last boundary. It at least, allowed him to delude himself that it was an oops, it just got out of hand.

 

And that makes me laugh. Because in therapy, we learn of the million baby steps that are taken to get to that point.

 

And most IC's find the, "oops, it just happened," somewhat laughable.

 

It is another symptom of not owning your actions, and all the actions that led up to that point.

 

It is a powerful form of denial and self-delusion.

 

 

I guess I can see what you're saying...the thing that gets me is that there had been a zillion babysteps and they were right on the edge and by her producing a condom he was somehow more secure in the decision. I'm sorry, but I kind of find that laughable. If they were that far then they would have had sex...they would have gone to the 7 11 and gotten some. I just don't see a condom being the one thing that gives the final push for it to be 'ok' to do. And to say she planned it as that is so far out of my realm of sensical I don't quite know how to put it into words.

[jj33]

On this we agree, and I told him so. I am grateful for barrier protection.

 

I then asked, "Okay, two weeks later after the ONS where you told her how guilty you felt about it, she called you and said, can you help me with my difficult son? And you went there with a toy truck, and you said "Things just got out of hand..." What happened?

 

His repsonse: She had the condoms. She always had the condoms. In retrospect, I felt somewhat set up.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

No, not set up. Played is more like it. You were definitely palyed. She knew you were one guilt sot, but made sure to make it easier for you,....

 

She had the condoms, so you could feel less guilty.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

Spark you dont really view this as making him more innocent do you? I hope the HAHAHA is because its such a lame statement (that he was set up).

 

Spark honey you know I respect you but you have to stop looking for reasons why it wasnt his fault. It was his fault. He spends most of his waking hours outside of the house around women who have condoms with them.

 

Its not an excuse and it doesnt make it any less his responsibility. His committment has to be stronger than I promise not to cheat so long as an attractive woman doesnt get me alone in a room with a condom.

[NoIDidn't]

Did I say it's the truth with every single OW...no. It's a stereotype that is based on nothing but nothing. I've never seen any statistics of how many WS bring home STDs. I can honestly say in all of my life I've only personally known 1 person who has ever had an STD (that talked about it obviously).

 

I'm not swearing anything to be the truth, but I am pretty sure that there are more responsible OW and OM out there than not. And then it all rolls back to the WS...no one's making them go bareback.

 

Responsible OPs or not, a BS would be foolish to not check up behind their own health. There are many STDs that condoms can not block.

 

Its not a stereotype, its common sense. A woman's body is very sensitive to receiving new biological matter from another woman via her spouse. She may not get an STD in the true sense, but she can very likely get exposed to something that may cause her major discomfort (yeast infections/bacterial infections due to different flora) or increase her likelihood of getting cervical cancer.

 

This is nothing to play with. Sorry so many OW get their panties in a bunch thinking someone is trying to say they are promiscuous. Its just good sense to get checked out if you know your spouse was having sex with someone else, protected or not.

[White Flower]

On this we agree, and I told him so. I am grateful for barrier protection.

 

I then asked, "Okay, two weeks later after the ONS where you told her how guilty you felt about it, she called you and said, can you help me with my difficult son? And you went there with a toy truck, and you said "Things just got out of hand..." What happened?

 

His repsonse: She had the condoms. She always had the condoms. In retrospect, I felt somewhat set up.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

No, not set up. Played is more like it. You were definitely palyed. She knew you were one guilt sot, but made sure to make it easier for you,....

 

She had the condoms, so you could feel less guilty.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'm glad you're laughing at his answer.

 

Because I'm sitting her pretending it's my MM and when I do that I think to myself hey, YOU bought them, YOU asked me to carry them in my purse since they're easier to hide, and now YOU tell your W that I had them all along, on my own, and premeditated sex on a work trip??? I'd slap him silly if I were a fly on that wall.