rawr Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I'm dating...need help. I have a few issues...First of all, I've had rough life at times and as an adult I'm ALWAYS in control. I basically command control. But in a relationship, I hate it. I'd love to be taken care of...just don't trust anyone enough to allow myself to give in. I've learned that this can attract people and friends at first because I'm different. I do things others wouldn't normally do. I jump out of planes. I'm a big kid...that's bad, right? I'm inappropriate at times too. I make everything into a joke. I'm independent. I open my own doors. I buy my own movie tickets and meals. Even if the guy asks me to call him I may actually do it once a month. I just don't call...If he doesn't call me for a couple of days I just disappear...I've been told recently by someone I was interested in that he felt like he had to do a lot of chasing...he wanted to feel like I needed to see him or talk to him...and he didn't like it. An ex-bf of mine (who is a friend now...most of them are) told me that I am just not feminine enough. I don't own a dress. I wear t-shirts, blue jeans and very little makeup. When a guy teases me I laugh and tell him to suck my dick...Ex-bf said guys don't want to hear that...go figure. He told me to soften up. I own a mini skirt but me in a skirt is ridiculous in my eyes. I own make up but BLAH. Guys ask me out a lot...but we usually end up as friends. I don't want this anymore. I think ex is right. I need to soften up. I need suggestions...somebody guide me into womanhood? What kind of things can I say to really make a guy feel handsome, or know that I am interested without me leaving my comfort zone?
espec10001 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Hmm well if you consider yourself a more masculine type female maybe you could try dating feminine type males?
Author rawr Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Actually that's a good response and thank you...I have tried this. I even married a man who was a house husband...I made the money, he cooked and cleaned and ran errands. I got home from work every evening and came in to a hot cooked meal...it was awesome. It worked and I felt like I was in my safe zone however...I wasn't happy after the first year. The truth is, I don't WANT the control...I just feel like I need it. I actually WANT to be a little feminine and being taken care of for once in my life seems amazing to me. The marriage lasted for 4 years and ended in divorce...yes, he and I are still friends...but the issue was that I felt resentment for having to be in control and so responsible all the time. I actually do want to try to change a bit...just no idea how... I've been dating an awesome guy who really is a care taker and it's not coming together. He has made it clear that he likes being in charge and taking care of someone...so we've been dating for nearly 3 months now and it hasn't progressed...He has told me I am intimidating. That sucks.
espec10001 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Hmm well being single will give you the control you need. There's nothing wrong with being single. I try not to make relationships into a power struggle but for some I guess it's an issue
Author rawr Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 That's true and I've enjoyed single life...just this one guy...yep... one guy and my whole little world goes spinning. That's never happened to me. It's kind of crazy...isn't it?
espec10001 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Yeah I'm similar in a way about relationships but not because I feel I have to be in control, but because I feel like I'm being weighed down. I need a lot of space and I hate being suffocated and I can have lots of space being single not worry about pleasing the other person
Knittress Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 ^ A person's femininity/masculinity does NOT necessarily correspond to their sexual orientation. Sheesh. It sort of sounds like you want to tiptoe into making a change. Maybe you should try wearing some fancier tshirt tops and mixing in some funky jewelry, and maybe pair this with some comfortable non-athletic sandals. Personality-wise? Maybe let yourself cry at movies when nobody is watching or get into art, animals, or gardening. But my main advice is that you've got to do it for you, not to attract men. If it isn't a sincere change then you're not going to keep it up for very long, and you and the guy will just start resenting each other.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Take salsa dancing lessons. Be obedient and let go at the same time. Feel what it's like to be led in dance and handled by a man. You might like the dynamics of being hot and feminine in your moves which is your way of trading leads with the man. Research it first to get somebody professsional, progressive and masculine instead of some struggling ghey dufus.
Itzonator Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I'm dating...need help. I have a few issues...First of all, I've had rough life at times and as an adult I'm ALWAYS in control. I basically command control. But in a relationship, I hate it. I'd love to be taken care of...just don't trust anyone enough to allow myself to give in. I've learned that this can attract people and friends at first because I'm different. I do things others wouldn't normally do. I jump out of planes. I'm a big kid...that's bad, right? I'm inappropriate at times too. I make everything into a joke. I'm independent. I open my own doors. I buy my own movie tickets and meals. Even if the guy asks me to call him I may actually do it once a month. I just don't call...If he doesn't call me for a couple of days I just disappear...I've been told recently by someone I was interested in that he felt like he had to do a lot of chasing...he wanted to feel like I needed to see him or talk to him...and he didn't like it. An ex-bf of mine (who is a friend now...most of them are) told me that I am just not feminine enough. I don't own a dress. I wear t-shirts, blue jeans and very little makeup. When a guy teases me I laugh and tell him to suck my dick...Ex-bf said guys don't want to hear that...go figure. He told me to soften up. I own a mini skirt but me in a skirt is ridiculous in my eyes. I own make up but BLAH. Guys ask me out a lot...but we usually end up as friends. I don't want this anymore. I think ex is right. I need to soften up. I need suggestions...somebody guide me into womanhood? What kind of things can I say to really make a guy feel handsome, or know that I am interested without me leaving my comfort zone? To stay in the comfort zone is the most common mistake people make. In case you did not notice, you are sensitive - because you want a change, and the situation now hurts your feelings. That's why you are here ... to share your story. Tell you what? Is it worth it to change, because of some guy? To please him, so he can like you? Are you serious? This does not sound like you at all. Trust me, I know exactly what you mean, and clearly, if you try to change for somebody else will not make you happy either. It is like living a double life, this is the last thing you want to do, I assume. You just haven't met a guy who you can trust, that is really a MAN. So you can give up your masculine energy & trust his. That's the only way to relax in peace. Most of the guys you met were perhaps too "whiny" looking for their moms I've seen all that as well. Do you really want to change for those kind of guys? It is your personal choice anyway. What you can do is to be patient. You may learn some new skills & do things like most women do. But you can find someone that will like you in the way you are. This is a key.
Author rawr Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Porkinsjehosaphat: No, I've never had sex with a woman. I may some day...but as of this moment it's never come up so... Knittress: I do want to tiptoe and I've actually been buying some stuff like what you wrote there so thanks for the confirmation. I actually have matching panties and bra sets now. That's insane for me! I do realize I need to do it for myself...but the point is this particular person has shown me that maybe, just maybe, I would enjoy not having to be so strong all the time...Not sure how long it would last though...but I want to at least try. Feelin Frisky: GREAT idea! Thank you! Izonator: I do realize that I am out of my comfort zone already...thing is...I kind of like it...but I keep reverting back to the jokes even when things get a bit serious. Perhaps it's a comfort thing as well? It is worth the ATTEMPT at change though because I question why my personality is this way...I've always been a jokester but my independence is a bit extreme...I admit it. I am scared to death of being hurt. Scared to death of depending on someone else to take care of me because no one ever has since birth. Now that's just sad and I feel the need to tell a joke but I won't...I depend on me...and only me. In relationships I am so strong willed and in control that I usually win that battle whether I want to or not and THEN I feel resentment because every decision and responsibility rests on my shoulders. I think it would be nice to be rescued...taken care of... it really would. So perhaps it is trust issues. And if I don't change this I know my relationships will always fail...they always do...although friendships remain. What would happen if I fell for someone, became submissive and got screwed over in the end? Don't know...I've never tried. But I think I'd like to...faith would be great right now. Thank you everyone
suprisinginsight Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I When a guy teases me I laugh and tell him to suck my dick...Ex-bf said guys don't want to hear that...go figure. He told me to soften up. QUOTE] Thats $$ right there, and some good & sound advice. I am pretty sure that no guy like to hear this from a female he is interested in. A better response would go something like this. He teases. You smile and laugh. Maybe intiate some physical contact ( like touching his arm or shoulder). I don't really see the makeup and dress thing as an issue at least from my perspective, nor does it really make you any more feminine. On a side note you seem to have a strong personality and are a very capable person. Its possible that your partner's personality is not "strong" enough to keep up? Also is it possible you are not confindent in his abilities to "take care" of you? My wife has a very similar personality. At the beginning of our relationship I felt i had to establish some level of trust with her that i would be able to " take care of things" should anything arrise. As her trust increased she seemed more relaxed to let me take charge. just some observations. Itzonator does make a point that you should change for yourself cause you want to change and not for the guy. Otherwise you will never truly be happy.
alphamale Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I need suggestions...somebody guide me into womanhood? dressing and looking like a woman would be a good start
Author rawr Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Thats $$ right there, and some good & sound advice. I am pretty sure that no guy like to hear this from a female he is interested in. A better response would go something like this. He teases. You smile and laugh. Maybe intiate some physical contact ( like touching his arm or shoulder). I don't really see the makeup and dress thing as an issue at least from my perspective, nor does it really make you any more feminine. On a side note you seem to have a strong personality and are a very capable person. Its possible that your partner's personality is not "strong" enough to keep up? Also is it possible you are not confindent in his abilities to "take care" of you? My wife has a very similar personality. At the beginning of our relationship I felt i had to establish some level of trust with her that i would be able to " take care of things" should anything arrise. As her trust increased she seemed more relaxed to let me take charge. just some observations. Itzonator does make a point that you should change for yourself cause you want to change and not for the guy. Otherwise you will never truly be happy. See...that's what I mean!!! Okay, is your wife on here maybe?? Honestly...don't know how it's going to work out with the guy I've been dating but I know this is the kind of person I want to be with...someone with some pride and a sense of responsibility. So this isn't just for him, I assure you guys. This is for me. I know I have a strong personality whether it was brought on by being toughened up throughout my life or any other reason...I just want to trust...And again I think it would be nice to be taken care of instead of always taking care of the world. So, now I'm picturing when he teases me...which is always done tastefully and cute-like...instead of flipping him off I'll follow your advice...That's what I need. It's sad but apparently I never learned how to just be...cute.
kiss_andmakeup Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I could suggest a multitude of things if it was an appearance issue (go to a salon and get a blow-out & makeup application and ask your stylist to explain everything she does step-by-step) but it sounds like it's more of an attitude issue. That is harder to change. Have you been hurt in the past? That's usually what causes people to cast such strong defensive barriers. I like to be the submissive one in a relationship but that's just the way I am naturally. I am pretty laid-back, passive, and easy going so it's never felt natural for me to take the reins. This applies to any situations though - even at my job I have trouble telling people what to do and would often times rather follow than lead. Are you aggressive and authoritative in the workplace or social settings? Or just in relationships? If it's purely a relationship thing, it's probably related to the rough life you described in your OP and the hurt you might be feeling. If you're like that in all aspects of your life (which is not a bad thing at all!) then it's just who you are and you shouldn't try to change it too much!
Author rawr Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 rawr; just be yourself Thank you! I see you skydive as well! Amazing, isn't it? I want to do a couple more tandem jumps before my first 12,000 foot AFF but can't wait!
skydiveaddict Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Thank you! I see you skydive as well! Amazing, isn't it? I want to do a couple more tandem jumps before my first 12,000 foot AFF but can't wait! You can start AFF after only one tandem, but yes it is amazing. Let me know how things work out for you
Author rawr Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 I could suggest a multitude of things if it was an appearance issue (go to a salon and get a blow-out & makeup application and ask your stylist to explain everything she does step-by-step) but it sounds like it's more of an attitude issue. That is harder to change. Have you been hurt in the past? That's usually what causes people to cast such strong defensive barriers. I like to be the submissive one in a relationship but that's just the way I am naturally. I am pretty laid-back, passive, and easy going so it's never felt natural for me to take the reins. This applies to any situations though - even at my job I have trouble telling people what to do and would often times rather follow than lead. Are you aggressive and authoritative in the workplace or social settings? Or just in relationships? If it's purely a relationship thing, it's probably related to the rough life you described in your OP and the hurt you might be feeling. If you're like that in all aspects of your life (which is not a bad thing at all!) then it's just who you are and you shouldn't try to change it too much! Thank you! Actually it IS only in relationships...not even in friendships. I am still the jokester but in friendships I am passive and go with the flow. It's only in relationships that I must have the control...I know, I know. I probably need therapy...but considering I own and operate two businesses I don't typically have time to breath much less travel out to therapy sessions. In all honesty I am not sad about my life. I don't feel I hold hostility towards anyone from my past although I was treated very badly in one long term relationship in which I was completely submissive...I see that today as his problem, not mine. He wasn't well. But then I think it causes me to think that everyone could be like that. Not well, I mean.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I like Feeling Frisky's idea too. Rawr, there are ways to soften yourself up and make that another part of yourself without changing yourself. If you don't know anything about make-up, go to the make-up counter at your local mall/department store. I recomond Nordstrom, Lord and Taylor or Macys. Ask them to give you a consultation. Personally, I think a girl can do good with just some mascara and lipgloss. You don't have to go crazy. Also, have you ever gotten a facial or other feminine spa treatments? I don't know a person that doesn't feel relaxed after having one. You don't have to wear skirts if you don't like them. But you can make your wardrobe more feminine. You can do jeans and t-shirts and be feminine. But they have to be more fitted. Dark wash blue jeans and a more feminie t-shirt with heels and maybe some good pieces of jewerly is a good outfit. It sounds like you want to be more feminine you just need time to explore it to see what you like and dont like. I am very feminine but I don't really like wearing purple. There will be some feminine things you won't like and that doesn't mean you aren't feminine. But if you like being more vunerable in your romantic interests, you will have to soften up a bit. the "suck my dick" thing needs to go though.
bac Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I'm dating...need help. I'm different. I do things others wouldn't normally do. I jump out of planes. I'm independent. I open my own doors. I buy my own movie tickets and meals. Even if the guy asks me to call him I may actually do it once a month. I don't own a dress. I wear t-shirts, blue jeans and very little makeup. When a guy teases me I laugh and tell him to suck my dick... I own a mini skirt but me in a skirt is ridiculous in my eyes. I own make up but BLAH. Guys ask me out a lot...but we usually end up as friends. I need suggestions...somebody guide me into womanhood? What kind of things can I say to really make a guy feel handsome, or know that I am interested without me leaving my comfort zone? OP You do not sound as a real woman. And, it is almost impossible to change yourself. You might want to find a man who would like those different things that are part of you. As for a real traditional woman, you do not pay for anything if you are on a date. You never call a man first or take the first initiative if you are dating. You also love dresses and short skirts for dating. You do not say 'suck my dick' while you are dating because it is pointless. Also, you do not have enough male friends but every guy wants to have sex with you.
Itzonator Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Rawr, Change is always good ... ... but the toughest thing in life is purely to be yourself. It is HARD to be yourself. Some people do not even know what that means Time to grow up ..
Author rawr Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 (edited) Thank you EVERYONE! The advice and the criticisms have been noted and I appreciate them all!! Going to do a little shopping and stop with vulgar talk...unless I'm only around my girlfriends, of course. LOL! Edited June 16, 2010 by rawr misspelled word of course!
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