Cantcope Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I know that our friends are basically our rocks when we are going through a break up. They listen to the sobbing, offer us support, advice, etc. At what point though do you stop doing what your friends tell you to and go with your heart? My ex and I broke up over 2 months ago. My best friend has been there for me through it all. The ex and I started talking again on Saturday. My best friend is FURIOUS!!!!! She is so angry that I would open myself to the possibility of a second chance with someone that she feels hasn't changed, won't change and will ultimately hurt me again. I don't want to lose her friendship. It means the world to me. I also know that things are different on the "outside". She's not the one that loves him. My heart tells me to just do it! Go for the second chance if that's what my heart tells me to do. Do you do what's in your own heart and to hell with everyone else, or do others really know what's best for you? I don't think I could live with myself knowing that I didn't give it one more chance. She doesn't have to live with that decision....I do.
northstar1 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Unfortunately the heart is driven by desperation after a breakup. Most people who follow their hearts are doing so because they cannot handle being alone, or having withdrawal from their ex and the relationship. That's why most who break NC because they felt it in their heart, often end up right back at square one. Your friend is looking out for you, but ultimately the choice is yours. I guarantee though, if you follow your head and wait a few weeks/months, you'll be rewarded with a clarity and gratitude that you didn't reach out.
Author Cantcope Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Thanks. The reaching out part is done though. The past two days spent with him have been the best ever. But I'm scared to death. Rightfully so. I'm just trying to chillax and not go crazy over analyzing every little thing.
sally4sara Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 It really depends on the circumstances of the break up and just what the ex needs to change before you try to make another go of dating him.
northstar1 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Unless he is unconditionally telling you he made a mistake, has thought about it and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, it is a waste of your time and emotions. What has he said to you with this weekend you spent together?
Author Cantcope Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 He said that he came over to beg me for my friendship and spending the rest of the weekend together was unexpected. He said that it was so easy to just act as though nothing ever happened between us that it scared him. He said that he is really nervous about going back into our old habits of bickering all of the time. He says that he's as scared and confused as I am.
northstar1 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I understand it's confusing and you have a great deal of emotions flowing, but realize that nothing has really changed here. He came over, you had sex and now you're feelings are back at square one. I'm not saying your ex is a bad person, but at this point can you be sure his motivations are anything other than trying to have a FWB with you? I think you need to take a stand back, be firm that unless he is coming to the plate with contrition and reconcilliation, you can't be in his life. And this is not the way to pave the road for a second chance. It has to start from scratch, not just jumping back into bed and then figuring out what to do, because after the honeymoon phase ends in a few weeks, you'll be right back at the same issues
collegemommy Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Here is the thing about friends and family: They can see things that you can't. My family has been telling me from day one (5 years ago) to not get involved with this guy. They have known him as long as they have known me and know who he is. Do they think he is a good person? Yes. They just don't think he is good enough for me. My friends think that I can do so much better. Sure they think he is cute, funny, and nice but they think he will never amount to anything and everyone knows how driven I am. They worry I will be the breadwinner and he will just jump from job to job. Both family and friends have watched me suffer throughout the relationship. I've had family members refuse to allow him around them (my grandmother) just because she has watched me cry one too many times. It hurts them to watch me go back into a pattern with him. That being said. I chose to follow my heart. I know my true friends will stick by me, even if they don't like the decision. I know my family will support me on my decision, even if they have plenty to say about it. Ultimately it's my choice, my life, my future, and only I can determine how I want to live it. Cantcope, you only have one life, one shot. What would you regret more: not giving it another chance or wasting your time with someone who is not right for you? Unfortunately, there isn't a crystal ball so all you can do is weigh the pros and cons and make a decision. Good luck!
ADF Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I don't know why people think listening to the heart is a good idea. Your heart is a MORON. Your friend isn't. Second chances are almost never a good idea. Second chances usually initiate a vicious break-up/make-up/break-up-again cycle that can drag on for years and ultimately leads nowhere. Listen to your friend.
Author Cantcope Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Man, I sweat when I see a reply from you ADF. I know that when we're heart broken, it's easy to think that all men are sick, selfish heartbeats with a c*ck. Is that really so? Why can't he be as truly confused and conflicted as I am? He has the same fears....that things will go back to how they were. But how can you know if you don't try? How can someone honestly think that if he doesn't come running to me with flowers hanging out of his a*s after skywriting my name with his blood, that he can't possibly want to reconcile??? We are feeling eachother out right now to see if this is what we want. I'm going to do it. I'm going to give it my all. And what the hell! I certainly wouldn't be the first, nor the last person to jump from "Breakups" to "Coping" to "Second Chances" only to go back to "Breakups". I personally would rather have loved and lost....even if it ends up being twice!
ADF Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Man, I sweat when I see a reply from you ADF. I know that when we're heart broken, it's easy to think that all men are sick, selfish heartbeats with a c*ck. Is that really so? No, it isn't so. But you made it clear your BF already hurt you (though you don't say how). Plus, your dearest friend is so opposed to the idea of your reconciling with him that she willing to risk the friendship in order to protect you from him. What other conclusion can I draw but that this man is trouble? Anyway, it sounds to me like you're going to go ahead and attempt a reconciliation regardles of what anything thinks. That's your right, of course. Good luck with that.
Author Cantcope Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Yea, he hurt me by giving up on us. No cheating, etc. My friend didn't say she would walk away or anything, I just hate knowing that she's disappointed in me. I need to stop counting my chickens before they hatch anyway. I do want to hear from him that he wants a second chance, but certainly not because of pressure from me. I need to stop thinking, sit back and let him do some work. If he wants me, he'll show me....I hope. If not, he's not worth sticking around for.
westrock Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 How have you changed? How has he changed? The same issues are going to arise again. The question is how have each of you changed to deal with those issues.The key is to have identified the issues and have done some work both individually and together to deal with them when they arise again.
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