Questions about my relationship

[Viking]

I have been wondering about my relationship with my girlfriend. We've been together for 9 months now and I have yet to tell her that I love her. I am unsure if I actually love her or love the fact that I have a girlfriend.

 

Here recently I was stressed out because I wasn't seeing much of my GF and I felt that perhaps we were just drifting away from each other as we were nearing the nine month mark. Her and her last BF broke up around that point, so it was only logical to think that. He was talking about marriage and she wasn't ready to even hear that, plus he failed out of Uni and couldn't find a job so he had to move home. I am nowhere near being ready to get married, and I am not sure if she'd be "the one", but I do think that she could be the right one if I play my cards right and don't smother her and let her "grow" with me in her life (she's 21 and I'm 24).

 

Well, today (Monday) was our 9 month anniversary and she is on a business trip through the Uni that we both attend (I graduated however). She will be gone for 2.5 weeks to Michigan and I won't be seeing her until the beginning of July, and when she gets back, she said that she will have to work a whole lot to pay make up for lost time due to her trip and then another 1.5 week long family reunion/meeting up with childhood friends out east. So, there goes an entire month of a short summer :-(

 

What I am getting at however is this. I put together a "care package" that she opened today (Monday) of some stuff for her as a gift for our 9 month anniversary. It wasn't anything super expensive, just some fun stuff like crayons, a coloring book and some sour candy and chocolate. I figured that if I got her those kinds of things, she would see that I'm not trying to make a big deal out of our anniversary because this is the first one we've ever really done anything for. I felt compelled to do something because she was leaving for a while and I wanted her to think about me.

 

Sunday morning we (tried) having sex. I gave her oral and she came, but for some reason I was so stressed out at having to try to perform and also stressed because I wasn't going to see her for a while, that I could not maintain an erection (first time this has ever happened). So I told her that I was sad that she was going away and that I was going to miss her. I got nothing in return, no "I'm going to miss you too" etc. Just she came over and hugged me and said "ohh".

 

We've talked in the past about how I am "more into the relationship" than she is because I have more time to put into it as I only work part time and she has/had school, cycling, work. So, she is much busier and isn't as serious.

 

I would think though that after nine months, something has to be good in her opinion, otherwise she would not have stayed. She has told me that she thinks I'm her best boyfriend to date (but who knows what kind of value such a statement like that has, unless I am really just doubting myself) and that she likes how mature I am. I think she isn't going to kick me to the curb for some willy-nilly reason because she mentioned that when she goes to China, she asked me what I'm going to do if I'm so stressed about a trip to Michigan. So, it seems to me that she is seeing me in her future, but I would like to go to China with her because she plans on going for a year. I would not want to be left behind as I feel that would be too much of a strain on our relationship, but I want to give her her space and freedom to do the things she feels she "has" to do.

 

Overall, I am very happy with her when she and I spend time together, but I don't know if I want to tell her that I love her without some form of reciprocation. She is kind of a mystery to me when it comes to her emotions. I am more invested (emotionally) in this relationship than she is, and I would like to know how to possibly get her to be more emotionally involved, if possible. If you notice anything or feel that there is an observation you'd like to make, please do so. Neither of us are going to break up with the other, it is just maybe right now is not the best time to be too serious about "us", and rather maybe I should focus on the "right now" aspect of our relationship and not worry too much about the future. I think part of my problem is that I don't feel like I am valued and respected as much as I would like to be.

 

Thanks for reading all of that. I needed it off my chest.

Edited June 15, 2010 by Viking

[NicePlay]

Focus on yourself and less on the relationship. Women want you to be a man. I can tell from the way you are posting you value this relationship more than anything on earth. Again, women want you to be a man. Care packages with crayons are chump change. Again: a man. They say they don't but they do. Acting like this will just have her sleeping with someone else.

[that girl]

Care packages with crayons are chump change. Again: a man. They say they don't but they do. Acting like this will just have her sleeping with someone else.

 

Ugh, sane women like men who treat them well. This whole women love jerks thing is just an excuse guys use. "I was too nice!" sounds a lot better than "I'm a crappy boyfriend!" or "I have terrible taste in chicks!"

 

OP- I think you are freaking her out a little with your freak outs. Yes, it sucks that she has two trips this summer, but she isn't shipping off to Iraq. The thoughtful boyfriend calls daily and maybe sends some little gifts during a seperation. The excessively clingy guy brings up the trips in bed as a reason why things didn't go so well.

 

Honestly, it sounds like you need a hobby just so you don't focus so much on her. Not that you shouldn't miss her or make an effort with her, but the happiness of your day should not depend on her exact response to you saying you miss her.

[Viking]

Ugh, sane women like men who treat them well. This whole women love jerks thing is just an excuse guys use. "I was too nice!" sounds a lot better than "I'm a crappy boyfriend!" or "I have terrible taste in chicks!"

 

OP- I think you are freaking her out a little with your freak outs. Yes, it sucks that she has two trips this summer, but she isn't shipping off to Iraq. The thoughtful boyfriend calls daily and maybe sends some little gifts during a seperation. The excessively clingy guy brings up the trips in bed as a reason why things didn't go so well.

 

Honestly, it sounds like you need a hobby just so you don't focus so much on her. Not that you shouldn't miss her or make an effort with her, but the happiness of your day should not depend on her exact response to you saying you miss her.

 

I honestly don't know why her being away stresses me out so much. It is not only annoying to me, but when I'm around other people, I feel like I am not any fun and maybe annoyingly mopey. I have started to work out at a gym I joined to get my mind off of the fact that I can't stop thinking about my gf. Also, going to the gym will improve myself, so that she will see that if she leaves, I am OK and can do other things other than obsess over her.

 

I called her this evening after she texted me telling me that they finally arrived after 42 hours of straight driving. We chatted for a little bit and I asked if she would call me, but she said she was going to be too busy to call, and that texting is going to be the more likely form of communication, but I asked her to call me nonetheless because I want to hear her, not just read.

 

I don't want to sound too controlling, obsessive, smothering etc. So, I guess I will just go about my days as if I am not waiting on her to talk to me (really I'm not waiting around for her to text or call, I just hope it is her when I get called or texted). Thank you for your analysis of my problem. I haven't had a girl that I've felt this way about for almost two years, so naturally I am a little rusty with how to express myself. I also told her that it had been a long time since I had felt "that way" about someone. It might have made her a little pressured.

 

I think she is sane because she told me thank you for all of what I had done for her in the past week. I think that might have been her way of telling me not to worry. I made dinner for her on Friday, went to lunch on Wednesday, spent the day boating, dining, hanging out and then sex on Tuesday and Monday we got lunch. It was an expensive week for me, but it was worth it. She knows it was too. Her thanking me for the effort was really nice to hear.