AgeOfUninnocence Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 So it's been a couple months and I'd say for the most part I am doing well-- it does get better! I still have my sad moments, but I have been living life, and I do happen to know I'm doing much better than my ex at the moment, which is a source of happiness to know that I am much farther ahead in healing than he is. Anyway, some mutual friends and I were discussing the relationship, and I've just heard that the ex considered our relationship to be like a fairytale. "It was too perfect." I suppose in a way it was, since we never fought, we always had good times together, and I was always the perfect girlfriend. I bought many gifts. I remembered all special events. I made time, special plans. Gave up so many aspects of myself for him. Was well liked and always looked good... Well in anycase, our perfect relationship was "too stressful" for him because it put so much pressure under him to make things perfect and try to be as perfect as me. He felt like he couldn't measure up, and that he knew he wasn't the better half in the relationship. I suppose this is what led him to fall for the girl he left me for. An easier relationship for him, where he didn't have to worry about measuring up to her. The funny thing is I never at all begged him to change for me, or do perfect things. Sure, I would have liked him to do stuff like remember important dates I had or our anniversaries. Sometimes he'd even ask me how he could be a better boyfriend, and me, being too nice, would just lie and tell him he was fine, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Anyway, I guess my question here is, why on earth would someone leave a "perfect" relationship? I'm not trying to have a big ego, but I really do feel like I was a fantastic girlfriend, very generous, very thoughtful, very nice looking. Why would someone just leave all of that? If it's perfect, then how will anything else be better? As well, do you think dumpers in this situation are likely to look back and regret their actions and try to come back? I suppose the biggest thing for me at the moment is the ego crush; the fact that I can be so amazing and yet so far I'm still not wanted back or shown and real remorse.
Div Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Sorry to hear about your loss. Situations like these are really tough and always leave you wondering "why?". Perhaps, like you said, he felt there was too much pressure on him to "measure up". Maybe he felt a little scared things were so perfect, almost unnaturally. I don't know about you but sometimes the most healthy relationships always have a few disagreements and small arguments. It helps to keep people on their toes and keep things in line. Would you say you gave up too much of yourself to please him? Sometimes you might need to show your partner that you also have your own life, and they are simply sharing it with you, but your life dosen't revolve entirely around them. When everything is 100% perfect, we lose the thrill of the chase. I hope some of this makes sense
westrock Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Sorry to hear about your situation. Gave up so many aspects of myself for him. Why did you feel you had to do that? This is what happens when we try to have a "perfect" relationship. It cannot sustain itself. If it's perfect, then how will anything else be better? A realistic relationship where we don't give up so many aspects of ourselves is what is better than a perfect relationship.
Author AgeOfUninnocence Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Sorry to hear about your loss. Situations like these are really tough and always leave you wondering "why?". Perhaps, like you said, he felt there was too much pressure on him to "measure up". Maybe he felt a little scared things were so perfect, almost unnaturally. I don't know about you but sometimes the most healthy relationships always have a few disagreements and small arguments. It helps to keep people on their toes and keep things in line. Would you say you gave up too much of yourself to please him? Sometimes you might need to show your partner that you also have your own life, and they are simply sharing it with you, but your life dosen't revolve entirely around them. When everything is 100% perfect, we lose the thrill of the chase. I hope some of this makes sense Thanks Div! I can pretty much count all of our disagreements on one hand... and they were all things where I'd be upset he forgot something important to me, or that he wasn't giving me the kind of support that I needed at the time... things that would get resolved in a few hours to a day. I do understand the thrill of the chase-- hence why Ex is busy chasing after some girl he barely knew, barely dated, but still claims to be in love with after all this time... of course, he wants what he can't have. I have the feeling that had I been the one who dumped him, he would have acted this way towards me. So much for him clinging onto me begging me not to dump him at random moments, or always saying that if we ever broke up, it would be because I broke up with him. Looking back, I would say perhaps I did get a bit Stepford... waited around all night to talk to him (college LDR), tried to finish plans early for him, would spend my lectures texting him while taking notes. It does make sense that perhaps I was too available, but I was honestly just trying to still make the relationship work, and of course, I loved him and all that. Why did you feel you had to do that? This is what happens when we try to have a "perfect" relationship. It cannot sustain itself. By aspects, I meant that we had our first everythings together: kiss, love, sex. Also, I really wasn't into his new love of smoking, but I had myself try it and get to be okay with it for him.
AlwaysConflicted Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I had a similar situation where I was the dumper. I dated this aspiring yet beautiful actress. She was so sweet, funny, caring and perfect in every way. I can't think of one negative thing about her. So why did I break up with her? Well, it started to feel "mom ish" to me. It was like being in a relationship with a relative and it started to creep me out. I gave it another month to see if maybe I was just going through a strange phase, but it didn't work for me. It's the 1 and only time I've ever felt like that in a relationship. Anyways, that could be 1 of a billion possibilities.
Author AgeOfUninnocence Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 I had a similar situation where I was the dumper. I dated this aspiring yet beautiful actress. She was so sweet, funny, caring and perfect in every way. I can't think of one negative thing about her. So why did I break up with her? Well, it started to feel "mom ish" to me. It was like being in a relationship with a relative and it started to creep me out. I gave it another month to see if maybe I was just going through a strange phase, but it didn't work for me. It's the 1 and only time I've ever felt like that in a relationship. Anyways, that could be 1 of a billion possibilities. Huh, that's interesting. How exactly did she start to feel like a relative to you? Was it perhaps being a little controlling or something? I never told my ex what to do with his life, and then the girl he left me for was giving him ultimatums about drinking, and he was willing to give it all up for her... however, now that she's dumped him, he's back in his old habits. I have to wonder how long giving up that stuff for her would last.
PinkEvie Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I think its because he thought you would leave him eventually so he'd do it first.
sally4sara Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 So it's been a couple months and I'd say for the most part I am doing well-- it does get better! I still have my sad moments, but I have been living life, and I do happen to know I'm doing much better than my ex at the moment, which is a source of happiness to know that I am much farther ahead in healing than he is. Anyway, some mutual friends and I were discussing the relationship, and I've just heard that the ex considered our relationship to be like a fairytale. "It was too perfect." I suppose in a way it was, since we never fought, we always had good times together, and I was always the perfect girlfriend. I bought many gifts. I remembered all special events. I made time, special plans. Gave up so many aspects of myself for him. Was well liked and always looked good... Well in anycase, our perfect relationship was "too stressful" for him because it put so much pressure under him to make things perfect and try to be as perfect as me. He felt like he couldn't measure up, and that he knew he wasn't the better half in the relationship. I suppose this is what led him to fall for the girl he left me for. An easier relationship for him, where he didn't have to worry about measuring up to her. The funny thing is I never at all begged him to change for me, or do perfect things. Sure, I would have liked him to do stuff like remember important dates I had or our anniversaries. Sometimes he'd even ask me how he could be a better boyfriend, and me, being too nice, would just lie and tell him he was fine, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Anyway, I guess my question here is, why on earth would someone leave a "perfect" relationship? I'm not trying to have a big ego, but I really do feel like I was a fantastic girlfriend, very generous, very thoughtful, very nice looking. Why would someone just leave all of that? If it's perfect, then how will anything else be better? As well, do you think dumpers in this situation are likely to look back and regret their actions and try to come back? I suppose the biggest thing for me at the moment is the ego crush; the fact that I can be so amazing and yet so far I'm still not wanted back or shown and real remorse. Perhaps he wanted a partner that was genuinely honest with him. You had him by the heart. He was all Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets" for you. You made him "want to be a better man" and you didn't give him the chance. He probably would have felt good about himself if you'd given him something attainable and he followed it through. Not being honest with him kept him from getting out from under the feeling that he wasn't good enough for you.
Author AgeOfUninnocence Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 I think its because he thought you would leave him eventually so he'd do it first. Perhaps. I mean, he always said stuff like "if we ever broke up, it would be because you did it." But we ended up breaking up because he left me for someone else. So I don't really see how that would play into him wanting break up with me before I could with him? Perhaps he wanted a partner that was genuinely honest with him. You had him by the heart. He was all Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets" for you. You made him "want to be a better man" and you didn't give him the chance. He probably would have felt good about himself if you'd given him something attainable and he followed it through. Not being honest with him kept him from getting out from under the feeling that he wasn't good enough for you. I wouldn't say that I wasn't being honest with him. If anything, me saying he was already being a great boyfriend was the only thing I'd lie to him about. But we're young and don't have tons of money, so I was never going to have the balls to say "I wish you'd buy me gifts" or "I wish we'd go out and have dates and activities rather than just driving around or hanging out with our other friends too, but not really cause we'd forget about them and make out." Like, I feel like wanting him to spend money on me is selfish in a way, and I'd feel guilty about making him spend the little money he had on me.
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