Sabrina_B Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Let me start our by saying I'm 25 y/o, married for 3 years and have a 20 month old. My marriage is not a very good one at all, although my H is improving it's still very hard on me. Whats making this even harder is my friend, Brad. He and i go way back. Brad and I met when we were 13 y/o. He was living in the States and I was living in Greece. Brad and his family came for a visit since Brad's Grandfather has been a family friend for years. Since the moment we met we liked each other but at the age of 13 not much is yet to happen. plus he was only here for a week and a half. So 2 years later Brad's Grandfather comes for another visit only without Brad and his family but told me that Brad wants to see me, so I send him a picture of me, but other than that we had no other contact. 3 years later when I turn 18, Brads Grandfather comes to visit again and tells me that Brad really wants to write to me and wants another picture of me. So I give his Grandfather my email address and a picture of me and 2 months later I received an email from Brad. He told me he keeps my pictures in his car and really wants to see me again but this time he wants me to come visit him. Since my mom and I have such a terrible relationship she would pretty much hold me captive in her house so I didn't work and couldn't fly out to see Brad. A year later when I turned 19 Brad and his family came for a visit again. Brad and I just had this great chemistry between us and tried to get to know each other as much as possible but since he was in vacation with his family it was hard for us to have some alone time. We tried meeting whenever we could and would just walk and hold hands. Just to note that all this time we never had sex or even kissed but they way we would stare in each others eye we both knew we wanted something more but I think we were both a little unsure of how we would take it from here since we live so far away. While Brad was still visiting we were having lunch out side with his family and mine (Brad and I always sat next to each other) and someone make a silly comment about us looking like a little match from heaven...we both just blushes and didn't say anything. Later on while everyone was still out side I went into the house and Brad followed me and we just say down on the couch talking which leaded into a much deeper conversation when I noticed Brad took a hold of my hand and we just sat there talking/giggling while just holding/creasing each others hand, then we just stopped, started in each others eye and were leaning into each other about to kiss when we heard his cousin come into the house we just got up and went back to whatever we were doing before. The rest of the time brad was here we didn't get much time alone at all, just continued to talk and lots of stares. On the day he and his family were leaving we had about half an hour to spend alone together, so we talked alot about how much fun we had together and and how we'll see each other soon. we heard his Grandfather calling him saying it was time to leave so Brad leaned into me and gave me a really passionate kiss and said "I mean it, S, I want to see you again but this time I want you to come see me." I told him I'm gonna find a job and save up so we can see each other again. Brad seemed pleased. So we kept in touch and talked alot on yahoo messagner and I was saving up to come visit him and possibly move to his State if things worked out between us (I'm a US citizen, I just moved to Greece as a child). Then 3 months since he left he just wrote me this random email that he has a gf and just telling me all this stuff in general as if nothing ever happened between us. I really didn't know what to say to him and just responded that i hope he's happy with his gf. We still kept in touch and he broke up with his gf and we were talking more just like good friends and he was starting college so I just thought maybe all we ever are to be is just friends. so while he started college I met my H which Brad knew about. Then my H (then bf) go live together in Canada for 6 months and Brad said he has free calls to Canada but never calls so I called him and we had a long conversation and he wanted to come visit me with his new gf so we can all meet and hang out, I thought that was a great idea but nothing ever happened. a little after our phone call I got engaged and then a little after me he also got engaged but his engagement didn't last and mine almost didn't cause of something my H did but I forgave him and a week before I married I called Brad up and told him I'm getting married and he said his congrats and told me he hopes I'm sure about this cause we likes me alot and just wants me to be happy. the convo ended really quick cause he didn't sound like him self. After I married, Brad and I didn't talk as much as we used to, we stayed in touch through myspace but we both knew we still cared for each other and I just can't get him out of my head of him or what could have been. Brad has respected me as a married woman and never tried coming on to me but I could still feel he cares for me alot. Same for me towards him, I have never made any move to come on to him and have an emotional affair. I know this is bad cause I'm married and I know I need to get him out of my head and have been trying for so long but I simply can't. I don't want this going on forever.... Please help, what should I do?
lkjh Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Lose Brad and start acting like you are married or get divorced it really is that simple. Dont intentionally put yourself into bad situations. Why risk it?
Married_and_Lonely Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I question the innocence of you calling Brad a week before you're getting married.. Most of us have old flings and ex-gf's or bf's that we think about and wonder "what if", but you have to have the dedication to your marriage to not act on these feelings. Stop fantasizing about this person that you really never got to know very well beyond brief spurts of time together. I assure you, Brad isn't perfect. You may think he's everything your husband isn't, but you need to convince yourself that Brad has his own flaws and most of all, you did not commit to marriage with Brad. It bothers me that you seemed to be obsessed with this person from the age of 13 to 19 despite only seeing him once during that period. Drop this fantasy and focus on your marriage. You have a family now and you need to be responsible for your child.
seibert253 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Lose Brad and start acting like you are married or get divorced it really is that simple. Dont intentionally put yourself into bad situations. Why risk it? ^^^^ this If you put as much effort into your marriage as you do thinking about Brad, I think your marriage wouldn't be as bad as you think, and would improve dramatically. Focus on your H and M, not the fantasy of the one who got away.
Gingertree Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 ^^^^ this If you put as much effort into your marriage as you do thinking about Brad, I think your marriage wouldn't be as bad as you think, and would improve dramatically. Focus on your H and M, not the fantasy of the one who got away.[/QUOTE] I needed to read this today too. Excellent post.
porkinsjehosaphat Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Please help, what should I do? I reccommend continuing exactly what you're doing, increase the emotional affair with Brad, perhaps meet with him and get physical. The only thing I would add is that you should start eating like a pig and gain 100 pounds to make your entire self even more attractive to your spouse. This course of action is guaranteed to save your marriage.
Shakz Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I know how you feel. You have unrequitted love and it's something you may never get over completely. Fortunately for you, you have someone who really loves you and I assume whom you love, since you married him and forgave him for whatever it was that endangered your relationship. But understand that everyone has unrequitted love, even your husband. and we all feel the bittersweet pain of what might have been. It might be therapeutic for you to ask your husband if he once had an unresolved love. I'll be willing to bet he has, and when you talk about it together you'll come to understand that he chose you, and that if he hadn't he would be wondering what might have been. Then, maybe you'll get a better perspective on your own "might have been."
Corporate Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 He never really loved you that much to begin with. Even during the peak of your "relationship," while you were saving to go see him, he hooked up with another chick and pretend nothing happened. You need to put that fantasy out of your head that a quality one got a way. You need to focus on your husband and your marriage.
Author Sabrina_B Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Lose Brad and start acting like you are married or get divorced it really is that simple. Dont intentionally put yourself into bad situations. Why risk it? I have thought about erasing Brad from my life but I don't want to hurt him cause we have been friends forever. I know alot of you will say I shouldn't even consider his feelings of getting hurt but his family and mine are good friends so it's just not so simple. I question the innocence of you calling Brad a week before you're getting married.. Most of us have old flings and ex-gf's or bf's that we think about and wonder "what if", but you have to have the dedication to your marriage to not act on these feelings. Stop fantasizing about this person that you really never got to know very well beyond brief spurts of time together. I assure you, Brad isn't perfect. You may think he's everything your husband isn't, but you need to convince yourself that Brad has his own flaws and most of all, you did not commit to marriage with Brad. It bothers me that you seemed to be obsessed with this person from the age of 13 to 19 despite only seeing him once during that period. Drop this fantasy and focus on your marriage. You have a family now and you need to be responsible for your child. I have tried making a list in my head of his flaws and I'm would like to believe that even if we did end up together we wouldn't be right for each other. I was him twice and I wasn't obsessed with him, he was the one who was always asking about me and wanting my picture. He never really loved you that much to begin with. Even during the peak of your "relationship," while you were saving to go see him, he hooked up with another chick and pretend nothing happened. You need to put that fantasy out of your head that a quality one got a way. You need to focus on your husband and your marriage. Your totally right about that, he never really loved me, it's just strange who things can get so twisted. Trust me, I have been trying to get Brad out of my head for months beyond months and some times it works but not always. I want to stay married and work on my marriage it's just so hard sometimes. don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a way out of my marriage, I'm looking for a way to get Brad out of my head and I know it might sound best to just cut contact but I tried and we didn't talk for a year but I was still thinking of him
Corporate Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Your totally right about that, he never really loved me, it's just strange who things can get so twisted. Trust me, I have been trying to get Brad out of my head for months beyond months and some times it works but not always. I want to stay married and work on my marriage it's just so hard sometimes. don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a way out of my marriage, I'm looking for a way to get Brad out of my head and I know it might sound best to just cut contact but I tried and we didn't talk for a year but I was still thinking of him Stating the obvious! How about get a list going and put on paper things that are not good about this dude? I'll help you start... 1) He really did not love you, not even during the peak of your relationship with him, while you're working hard to save money to see him, he just hook up with some chick and not care about your feelings at all. 2) You don't want to be with somoene who doesn't love you or respect you. 3) Continue with this list.....
xxoo Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I'm looking for a way to get Brad out of my head and I know it might sound best to just cut contact but I tried and we didn't talk for a year but I was still thinking of him On some level, you are indulging in thoughts about him. Of course he will come to mind, but then you need to redirect your thoughts purposefully. You can not think of two things at once. Have a planned thought to replace thoughts of Brad--maybe your beautiful child. Meditate on that good thought. But, really, I suspect this is the larger issue: "My marriage is not a very good one at all, although my H is improving it's still very hard on me" Brad is a fun, light, happy thing to dwell on when you don't want to face the realities of your situation. And, Brad represents escape from your marriage (horrble idea, by the way! If you do leave your marriage, you should leave on your own and take some time to be single before repartnering). The bottom line is, you need to settle your marriage issues.
Married_and_Lonely Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 (edited) I know sometimes it can feel like the wolf pack here is ganging up on you. I've been there with my own thread and it can be disheartening. It's easy for us to make the solution sound so simple, because it's not a personal issue for us. However, if you genuinely want to get Brad out of your head (and you're not just seeking our permission to pursue your fling) then a first step would be to discontinue all contact with Brad. No email, no phone, no visits. If you have pictures of him anywhere, get rid of them. If you have letters from him, throw them away. Don't ask your parents or his parents about him. It's obvious that you can't just be friends with this person; your feelings run too deep. If you want your marriage to work, your husband needs to be the focus of your efforts. In time, you'll forget about Brad, what he looks like, what he sounds like, etc if you do these things. Then he'll be out of your head. It should also help to realize that you may be making more out of his feelings for you than are there. Maybe at one time he asked for pictures of you and for you to write him, but that doesn't mean that those feelings still exist. Men move on to the next woman very rapidly; most of us aren't as sentimental and romantic as women are. The fact that he didn't call you, that you called him, and that he said he'd bring his girlfriend to see you tells me that even if he did at one time have stronger feelings for you, but those feelings faded with time. He clearly sees you as just a friend and isn't into you romantically. So you can stop fantasizing about this guy that is your knight in shining armour; he doesn't want to save you. He had a girlfriend that he apparently liked more than you. Sounds harsh perhaps, but maybe you need to feel some rejection from him to move on as well. And now he's single and lonely, and chatting up a married woman (definitely doesnt' sound like a perfect man for this), but it won't be long before he has another girlfriend and you'll be all sad and confused again. Edited June 16, 2010 by Married_and_Lonely
seibert253 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 You will NEVER erase Brad from your mind until you erase all contact with him. Simple concept, but yet so hard to implement. As my dad used to say..."the best way to kill a snake is to cut off it's head". In your situation, the snake is your desire for Brad, cutting off it's head equals cutting off all contact. I understand your thoughts of not wanting to hurt Brad or his feelings by ending all contact. BTW, I think you understand this IS the right thing to do, but just do not know how to do it. Now, how do you end it with Brad, simple, be honest with him. If he is a true friend, he will understand and accept it. Have an honest conversation with him, a NC conversation. Let him know you are experiencing inappropriate feelings toward him which are detrimental to your M. Then tell him the only way you can put away these feelings and focus your attention toward your H and M, is by ending contact with him. Then tell him you will never contact him again, and request he do the same. Also, you need some accountability and honesty with your H. Have you been honest with him about your feelings toward Brad? Probably not. Maybe it's time you should. He will certainly help you be accountable to your NC agreement. As a matter of fact if unless he is foolish, he will insist upon it. Trust me, you will not move past this without some help. Your H will be your strongest allie if you are honest with him, and allow him to help you. Without help, you will be weak and down the road you may end up in a situation you will regret the rest of your life.
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Let me start our by saying I'm 25 y/o, married for 3 years and have a 20 month old. My marriage is not a very good one at all, although my H is improving it's still very hard on me. What's hard on you? Why isn't your marriage very good? And you say your H is improving.. With what? Are you putting in ANY effort to fix things instead of turning to Brad? If you spent the same energy that you do into Brad, then maybe you and your H could fix things and have a better marriage. Don't forget you have a toddler who needs BOTH of his/her parents. For the sake of your child and your 3 year old marriage, STOP whatever it is you have going with Brad and focus on your H and reconnecting with him. I have thought about erasing Brad from my life but I don't want to hurt him cause we have been friends forever. I know alot of you will say I shouldn't even consider his feelings of getting hurt but his family and mine are good friends so it's just not so simple SO you'd rather hurt your H than Brad? You'd rather hurt your inlaws? GET your priorities straight! I have tried making a list in my head of his flaws and I'm would like to believe that even if we did end up together we wouldn't be right for each other. Trust will be a huge issue. One because you've already proved to him that vows mean nothing, you have no problem betraying someone you said vows to. I was him twice and I wasn't obsessed with him, he was the one who was always asking about me and wanting my picture. You couldn't say NO, I'm married, things have changed? Our friendship isn't the same as it once was and now I'm a package deal - Me, my H and our child. Your totally right about that, he never really loved me, it's just strange who things can get so twisted. Trust me, I have been trying to get Brad out of my head for months beyond months and some times it works but not always. I want to stay married and work on my marriage it's just so hard sometimes. don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a way out of my marriage, I'm looking for a way to get Brad out of my head and I know it might sound best to just cut contact but I tried and we didn't talk for a year but I was still thinking of him Marriage at times IS hard work. Nothing is perfect.
Author Sabrina_B Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Have a planned thought to replace thoughts of Brad--maybe your beautiful child. Meditate on that good thought. But, really, I suspect this is the larger issue: "My marriage is not a very good one at all, although my H is improving it's still very hard on me" Brad is a fun, light, happy thing to dwell on when you don't want to face the realities of your situation. And, Brad represents escape from your marriage (horrble idea, by the way! If you do leave your marriage, you should leave on your own and take some time to be single before repartnering). The bottom line is, you need to settle your marriage issues. Yes, I have tried replacing thoughts of Brad, just doesn't work all the time. And your right, I think if I was truly happy in my marriage I wouldn't be thinking about Brad at all. I know sometimes it can feel like the wolf pack here is ganging up on you. I've been there with my own thread and it can be disheartening. It's easy for us to make the solution sound so simple, because it's not a personal issue for us. That's why I've been hesitant whether or not to make this thread, after all I'm asking how I can get over this guy not how I can hook up with him or anything like that. And now he's single and lonely, and chatting up a married woman (definitely doesnt' sound like a perfect man for this), but it won't be long before he has another girlfriend and you'll be all sad and confused again. We hardly ever chat, just IM's on myspace every maybe half a year if not more just catching up on life. I'm thinking of just erasing my myspace altogether since I normally just get on there to see how he is (he's the one who invited me to myspace back in 2005 when I just met my H). he's also on my facebook since I told him he should get facebook (he just did it right away when I asked him so that's why I think he might still have some kind of feelings towards me) but he never comes on there at all, only created a profile cause of me... . What's hard on you? Why isn't your marriage very good? And you say your H is improving.. With what? Are you putting in ANY effort to fix things instead of turning to Brad? If you spent the same energy that you do into Brad, then maybe you and your H could fix things and have a better marriage. I have made alot of effort towards my marriage, more than I would ever imagine. my H can be very selfish although like I said he is improving, when money lands in his hands he'll think how he can spend it on him self instead of saving or making sure our daughter and I need anything. it's too long to write, there are some old threads where I have posted about him. Don't forget you have a toddler who needs BOTH of his/her parents. For the sake of your child and your 3 year old marriage, STOP whatever it is you have going with Brad and focus on your H and reconnecting with him. I am thinking of my girl more than anything, but it would hurt my H to start thinking about improving our marriage too. SO you'd rather hurt your H than Brad? You'd rather hurt your inlaws? GET your priorities straight! Trust will be a huge issue. One because you've already proved to him that vows mean nothing, you have no problem betraying someone you said vows to. Not that I'm trying to use this as an excuse but my trust with my H has been gone...I was never a jealous person, and I don't think he'll ever try to do what he did again but till now I check up on him every once in a while. You couldn't say NO, I'm married, things have changed? Our friendship isn't the same as it once was and now I'm a package deal - Me, my H and our child. I don't know if you were skipping through the lines but back when he asked for my pic's I wasn't married, like I said he's never tried to come on to me when I was married and that's part of the reason I kept him as a friend and ditched my other guys friends cause they weren't respectful forwards my marriage. Marriage at times IS hard work. Nothing is perfect. I'm aware of this and believe me I'm one to give up when things get hard.
Married_and_Lonely Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Now, how do you end it with Brad, simple, be honest with him. If he is a true friend, he will understand and accept it. Have an honest conversation with him, a NC conversation. Let him know you are experiencing inappropriate feelings toward him which are detrimental to your M. Then tell him the only way you can put away these feelings and focus your attention toward your H and M, is by ending contact with him. Then tell him you will never contact him again, and request he do the same. I noticed you didn't comment on this advice, but I think it's the best you've received so far.
Author Sabrina_B Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 ^Yes, I was gonna comment on that one but my toddler woke up from her nap. Brad as far as I know has no idea who I'm feeling towards him, and I'm very ashamed to tell him so and some times don't see the point in doing so. My H also has no idea idea how I feel towards Brad.... I totally thought I was over what my H did to me before we married but it keeps haunting me...Brad is the only guy friend I have left and I don't want to loose him but i also know it's no good in keeping him. As to getting ride of all my male friends, my H still keeps his female friends and even made more of them at work. After what he put me though and us discussing not having friends of the opposite sex you would think he knows better than that...
lkjh Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I have thought about erasing Brad from my life but I don't want to hurt him cause we have been friends forever. I know alot of you will say I shouldn't even consider his feelings of getting hurt but his family and mine are good friends so it's just not so simple. I have tried making a list in my head of his flaws and I'm would like to believe that even if we did end up together we wouldn't be right for each other. I was him twice and I wasn't obsessed with him, he was the one who was always asking about me and wanting my picture. Your totally right about that, he never really loved me, it's just strange who things can get so twisted. Trust me, I have been trying to get Brad out of my head for months beyond months and some times it works but not always. I want to stay married and work on my marriage it's just so hard sometimes. don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a way out of my marriage, I'm looking for a way to get Brad out of my head and I know it might sound best to just cut contact but I tried and we didn't talk for a year but I was still thinking of him Look you are not a five year old. You gotta act like a grown up. You either have to drop the OM or your H. There are no compromises with this. Right now you are looking for the easy way out, the way that lets you keep both of them and that is not possible. Im going to repeat this one more time even though it seems harsh but................you are not a child, you are a married woman and you need to act like one
seibert253 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 ^Yes, I was gonna comment on that one but my toddler woke up from her nap. Brad as far as I know has no idea who I'm feeling towards him, and I'm very ashamed to tell him so and some times don't see the point in doing so. My H also has no idea idea how I feel towards Brad.... I totally thought I was over what my H did to me before we married but it keeps haunting me...Brad is the only guy friend I have left and I don't want to loose him but i also know it's no good in keeping him. As to getting ride of all my male friends, my H still keeps his female friends and even made more of them at work. After what he put me though and us discussing not having friends of the opposite sex you would think he knows better than that... Sabrina, As I said before, and I'll repeat, honesty to both Brad and your Husband, will be the only thing that will help you through this. If Brad is a true friend, he will respect and honor you, your marriage, and the commitment you are making to it. But, how can he help if he dosn't know how you feel, or how what he is doing is effecting you or M? The same principle applies to your H. It seems to be a major flaw with some women, my W included, that husband's should "know" what a wife is thinking or feeling. We don't. Sabrina, if you haven't realized, we guys are DUMB. We have to be told repeatedly on occasions before we "get it". But, I'll bet the farm your H will "get it" instantly if you tell him you are battling feelings for Brad, and need his help. If he doesn't do everything is his power to help you turn off this switch, then he's a fool. No one said this is going to be easy, it's not. Let's look at this like a war. Country's usually don't win the wars they fight on their own. They're victorious when they secure allies to assist them. IMO your biggest allie here is your H. I can tell you this from experience, he WILL gain so much respect for you for being honest and sharing your feelings. IMO he deserves to know. Put yourself in his shoes; if he had feelings for one of his female friends, would you want to know? Would you rather hear it directly from him, or after something really bad happens? Best of luck to you and keep us updated.
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