lostinthought4u Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I've always been told to wait until marriage before having sex. I've lived by that, I'm 19 and still a virgin. But I keep hearing horror stories about people waiting then having no sexual chemistry once they get married. What is your opinion on what i should do? should I wait, or should I see how things are between my boyfriend and me?
ADF Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Sexual incompatibility is very hard to explain to someone who hasn't had sex yet. But it is a nightmare. And finding out you are sexually incompatible with someone only after you were legally bound to them would be a double nightmare. There is this huge lie in our culture that says sex really isn't that important, that people's sexual desires are base and trivial, that love is all that really matters. Don't you believe it. We human beings are risen apes, not fallen angels. Sexual compatibility is EXTREMELY important. The overwheming majority of people need a satisfying sex life to feel psychologically and emotionally whole. Being bound to someone who you have no sexual chemistry with would be horrifying. Waiting until you are in a committed relationship to have sex is reasonable. Waiting until marriage is foolhardy.
xRJ85x Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 As far as keeping sex to BFs only, which some girls do, that may be fine. But you should never wait until marriage for sex. It's a significant part of a relationship, and on a side note, experience is pretty important to most. Guys don't want a girl who's rode every guy in town, but they sure as hell don't want a girl who has no idea what she's doing. As Vinny Chase said, "I never wanna be anyone's first." And he's damn right. I was a GF's first in high school, and it was AWFUL.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 You're getting some very sound advice here. Sex isn't the most important thing in the world, but it's still pretty bloody important. And you do NOT want to make the deepest of public commitments to somebody only to find out that he's a horrible lover. Sexual fulfillment is one of the critical keys to a happy, successful and long-lasting marriage. Not to be crude, but would you buy a car without test driving it? Of course not. I suspect that the lessons you were given growing up were relgious in nature. In which case (or frankly, in any case), you're 19 years old and can make your own decisions.
xRJ85x Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 You're getting some very sound advice here. Sex isn't the most important thing in the world, but it's still pretty bloody important. And you do NOT want to make the deepest of public commitments to somebody only to find out that he's a horrible lover. Sexual fulfillment is one of the critical keys to a happy, successful and long-lasting marriage. Not to be crude, but would you buy a car without test driving it? Of course not. I suspect that the lessons you were given growing up were relgious in nature. In which case (or frankly, in any case), you're 19 years old and can make your own decisions. I'm a car guy, so you're spot on with the analogy dude. For the OP, if you're at least going to save yourself for very special guys and/or moments, which will limit your experience, may I suggest (and dead serious) you watch some porn. Dirty as it may sound, you're at least going to go into your first (and few future experiences) with some serious knowledge. Trust me, when I said my experience with my high school GF's first time was awful, I meant it!!! Just as the first impression you made when you met them, guys (or girls) look at their first sexual experience as critical.
summerl0vesyou Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 (edited) I've always been told to wait until marriage before having sex. I've lived by that, I'm 19 and still a virgin. But I keep hearing horror stories about people waiting then having no sexual chemistry once they get married. What is your opinion on what i should do? should I wait, or should I see how things are between my boyfriend and me? i have some different types of advice for you, but first of all, what do YOU believe? if you arent okay with sex before marriage, dont just do it because you have a negative fear that if you dont test drive the car, it will not work out right. But...my personal view. if you want to save sex for marriage but still need to test drive the waters, do everything except sex. if the person can turn u on and focus on ur needs doing everything else, the sex will end up being fine probably, or at least manageable/fixable. then theres the view that if you really love someone, you can make it work/sex will automatically be good. i dont agree with this, mostly based on the horror stories...seems a bit naive to believe 'love' is enough to make something good, but it does happen that way sometimes. But 'love' wont usually get u off or, you can decide to forgo ur old opinion altogether and wait til you're in love/whatever to have sex. what is YOUR belief? dont go based on what you've been raised to believe, if you dont truly believe it...do some soul searching, find out if sex before marriage is ok for you. if it isnt, dont do it just because you're afraid of "what if". or do everything else except sex. whatever works adf- totally agree with most of what you said. Sexual compatibility is extremely important. I would never go into marriage without doing sexual stuff. you are committing to spend your life with this person! You dont want to regret it. lol. and sex is a huge part of my relationships, I was with a guy who wouldnt have sex before marriage but did everything else. and i knew if we ever had sex, it woulda been mindblowing...it never happened, we brokeup...but still, it did bond us and if we'd had sex I cant even fathom how close we'd be. it does make you closer, thats for sure...and I dont think it has to only be for a husband/wife, though screwing everyone in town probably isnt the best move either Edited June 15, 2010 by summerl0vesyou
that girl Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Waiting or not waiting is up to you. Most people I know haven't waited but the ones who have don't feel a lack of sexual compatability. Really a part of having that sexual chemistry can be figured out through kissing or even just being around someone. It isn't like you're signing up for an arranged marriage with a stranger. But having sex because you're afraid that in a couple of years when you get married you'll be dissapointed by the sex doesn't make a lot of sense. That is years away after all. I think either your boyfriend is pressuring you or you're starting to change your mind about the whole idea of waiting until marriage. Am I right? I really don't get the reccomedation to watch porn at all. It doesn't usually show female orgasms accurately (makes it seem like women orgasm almost immediately), hardly ever shows a man giving oral sex (he's always recieving) and often uses demanding language or forceful gestures that aren't everyone's cup of tea. There is nothing wrong with using porn for some self enjoyment, I don't think it is going to make anyone great in bed.
Author lostinthought4u Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 I think either your boyfriend is pressuring you or you're starting to change your mind about the whole idea of waiting until marriage. Am I right? He isnt exactly pressuring me, but you can tell he is getting frustrated. and i feel bad. But like people have said before, would doing everything but sex be a good indicator of how good the sex life would be?
ADF Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 He isnt exactly pressuring me, but you can tell he is getting frustrated. and i feel bad. But like people have said before, would doing everything but sex be a good indicator of how good the sex life would be? I hate to throw a wet blanket over you, but I think you're doing a Bill Clinton here--i.e. you're defining "sex" in a very narrow, self-serving way. Oral sex is SEX. Anal sex is SEX. Mutual masturbation is SEX. The idea that "sex" refers soley to vaginal intercourse is FALSE. If you've had oral sex, anal sex, ect, you've had SEX. You are a sexually active person. You're no longer a virgin in any meaningful sense.
Itzonator Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I've always been told to wait until marriage before having sex. I've lived by that, I'm 19 and still a virgin. But I keep hearing horror stories about people waiting then having no sexual chemistry once they get married. What is your opinion on what i should do? should I wait, or should I see how things are between my boyfriend and me? If you want to wait until you get married, that's fine. If you want to bang a girl tomorrow, that's fine too ... There is no wrong or right answer to this, as long as you do what makes you feel more comfortable. "Horror stories" are someone Else's delusion upon the subject. Don't let it affect your decisions.
Sivok Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 He isnt exactly pressuring me, but you can tell he is getting frustrated. and i feel bad. But like people have said before, would doing everything but sex be a good indicator of how good the sex life would be?Not always no. Have you done any other methods of sex besides vaginal intercourse? anal/oral? Those are things to think about if you want to fulfill your boyfriends needs but keep your virginity in check.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Oral sex is SEX. Anal sex is SEX. Mutual masturbation is SEX. The idea that "sex" refers soley to vaginal intercourse is FALSE. If you've had oral sex, anal sex, ect, you've had SEX. You are a sexually active person. You're no longer a virgin in any meaningful sense. VERY true. I've heard the same logic expressed by devout Christians, who've somehow convinced themselves that they aren't "sinning" as long as Mr. P and Ms. V never come in contact with each other. Somehow I doubt their god would let them off on that kind of technicality.
Itzonator Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Sure, Masturbation = Sex with Yourself Oral Sex, Vaginal Sex, Anal Sex, Threesome = Sex with Others Begin virgin is a concept or an idea. It is pretty overrated by the way
that girl Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 He isnt exactly pressuring me, but you can tell he is getting frustrated. and i feel bad. But like people have said before, would doing everything but sex be a good indicator of how good the sex life would be? Don't have sex with someone because you feel bad for them. Don't have oral sex with someone because you feel bad for them. Don't let a guy feel your boobs because you feel bad for them. Sex is supposed to be something both people enjoy, not a favor you do for someone who is getting pissy with you. I really don't think you need to think as far ahead as "should I be a virgin when I get married?" I think that part of the question is tripping people up here. You are 19. Being a 19 year old virgin is not unusual. You have a boyfriend who is annoyed that you won't sleep with him, but you aren't sure you are ready. Not many people would advise you to have sex in that situation. Maybe down the road you'll decide to have sex before marriage, but that isn't the issue right now- the issue now is whether or not you should have sex with this guy now. And the answer is no. My head is about to explode from the fact that people are suggesting a 19 year old virgin have anal sex with her boyfriend so he is satisfied. The terribleness of this advice is unbelieveable.
MorningCoffee Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Waiting until you are in a committed relationship to have sex is reasonable. Waiting until marriage is foolhardy. This is wise advice.
homersheineken Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 As Vinny Chase said, "I never wanna be anyone's first." He also said he didn't want to be anyone's "last" ... So not sure he's an authority on sex and how it applies to marriage
kiss_andmakeup Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Just going to chime in with the chorus. I can't imagine waiting until marriage to have sex with a potential mate. Once you become sexually active you will understand what a huge part of a well-rounded relationship it is, and how important it is that the chemistry is good. I would absolutely endorse waiting until you are ready and until you want to. Never do it because someone else, whether it's your boyfriend or a friend, tells you that you should. And to be honest, I agree that if you're having oral or manual sex you are having sex. Not only are you creating physical intimacy with a partner, you are taking on all the risks associated with sex (minus pregnancy) such as HIV, contact viruses such as herpes, and other STD's. Abstaining from all sexual activity for religious or moral reasons is one thing (granted one thing that I will never fully understand), but dissecting which blatantly sexual acts are considered okay and which are not is downright silly.
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