TaraMaiden Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I agree with A_O.... he's a done deal. he's not going to change and his behaviour is absolutely passive-aggressive controlling. or put it another way: he's a verbal bully intent on drowning or crushing any self-esteem you have left. He's prevented you from expanding and enjoying your personality and expressing yourself in the way you want, deserve and have a right to do. Now - whilst there are situations where dress-sense is important, he seems to believe that you have to conform to his standards, all the time, and not be free to select your own.... You have two solutions at your fingertips: Stay for the same-old same-old (which WILL escalate, believe me...) Or tell him he's unfit to be a valuable partner, and leave. Truly, these are your two options. The latter is screaming out to be picked, hun.... Incidentally, does he view porn, at all? (oh, and I don't agree with the 'indirect' bit at all.... He is very very direct. Just subtle and scheming....)
Author akeshabelle Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Thanks for the responses everyone. AO your post was great, thank you Incidentally, does he view porn, at all? Yes... as a matter of fact I believe he is a tad obsessed. He has sooooooo many books, magazines, dvds, videos, a whole folder dedicated to it on his computer and he even keeps pictures and videos on his phone. It's something I have never been totally comfortable with. Don't get me wrong I have no problem with porn, I like it myself, but he is 45 and all he seems to have is "teen" porn. I know they're all of legal age but still.
TaraMaiden Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Well then that is sheer self-contradiction. he views porn, has a whole District library of material, but of course you cannot possibly ascribe to that behaviour. Ever heard of the Madonna/whore complex? Amongst other things, he has a really screwy way of looking at you.... This just gets better and better! How soon could you pack your bags and dump the jerk?
Sivok Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 (edited) I wasn't implying that you did. But I'm sure if you wore the scantily clad outfit in question, if sivok saw you at a party, he would wish he could.I'd assume she was single and probably approach her, yes I'm clearly the Devil's Advocate on this one but views aside, as I said earlier, confront him about it if you want this to work - which is what I assume is the whole reason why you posted here. Him saying he doesn't have time for 'drama' is a bit hypocritical. Options are 1) put up with his verbal putdowns and continue as before 2) sacrifice your sense of self by changing clothing options 3) muster up the courage to confront him about it so you two can work through this 4) leave Edited June 15, 2010 by Sivok
TaraMaiden Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Hmmmm.... I get the impression that - 1) put up with his verbal putdowns and continue as before She's really reached her limit with this - hence the post... 2) sacrifice your sense of self by changing clothing options She's done that to some extent but neither are happy with this.... 3) muster up the courage to confront him about it so you two can work through this I think she's already done this a few times with poor results.... 4) leave Good idea!! I second this!
Mr White Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 All I know is that that I'm (discreetly) staring at the slutty dressed cuties - and they know it and like it. Indeed, halloween has turned into the official excuse for women to dress slutty (and to enjoy the attendant attention). There is nothing wrong with that, but please, let's not pretend and fool ourselves that it is about anything else. Such as "exploring your personality" :lmao:. WTF .
suprisinginsight Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I agree with A_O.... he's a done deal. he's not going to change and his behaviour is absolutely passive-aggressive controlling. or put it another way: he's a verbal bully intent on drowning or crushing any self-esteem you have left. He's prevented you from expanding and enjoying your personality and expressing yourself in the way you want, deserve and have a right to do. Now - whilst there are situations where dress-sense is important, he seems to believe that you have to conform to his standards, all the time, and not be free to select your own.... You have two solutions at your fingertips: Stay for the same-old same-old (which WILL escalate, believe me...) Or tell him he's unfit to be a valuable partner, and leave. Truly, these are your two options. The latter is screaming out to be picked, hun.... Incidentally, does he view porn, at all? (oh, and I don't agree with the 'indirect' bit at all.... He is very very direct. Just subtle and scheming....) Agree with everything above. I don't think hes going to change and like taramaiden said its only going to get worse. I vote for leaving also... sometimes its better to cut your losses and go rather than wait it out and end up with nothing.
harmfulsweetz Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 He is passive aggressive. As TM said rightly, he's not indirect at all, sure, he's not out and out saying you're not allowed to what you want- but he's sure as hell letting you know what he thinks of it so that you do not do it. He's 45, you're 29-could this be a complex at all? I mean, like an age thing? He thinks he has the right to act almost as father to you because of the age gap? It will only escalate, unless you leave. He has the perfect out here, you confront him about it, he says he never said you can't do it, you let it go. I've dealt with this kind of behavior, it's not pretty and it does get worse. My ex used to pass comment on what drink I bought, if I had one alcoholic drink, he would try and advise me that that was enough-(it was only 5% volume of alcohol, it was also a party) to 'protect' me, he'd try and stop me wearing what I wanted to wear with a look and eventually, I stopped being able to go out without him there. It may seem harmless, but things like that can be really damaging in the long run-I left, I suggest you consider doing the same.
sally4sara Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 After I made this statement my boyfriend said "well you have to be careful going to a party dressed basically as a PROSTITUTE. Not even the cops would jump in if 5 guys were raping you". I think I'd be most disturbed that this is his mindset. It speaks that he thinks the way a woman dresses implies she is asking for it. It is not fact that most people, let alone law enforcers would walk on by if they witnessed a woman being gang raped no matter how she was dressed. People who would walk on by would do so no matter what the woman was wearing. But I get what you are trying to say he does. When I was married to my ex, if there was something he didn't want me to do, he would see to it that the option was ruined. He would start off be predicting a detrimental outcome. Me being the stubborn sort, in your given scenario, I'd have probably gone ahead and sought out what I wanted to wear and it would have been "accidentally" ruined in some manner. Or whatever funds I set aside for purchasing, would be drank, snorted, smoked or misplaced. Your BF's views on rape and what it implies about his views on women aside, he is allowed to express his feelings on something concerning you without it really qualifying as passive aggression. Nothing he says to deter you has to dictate your actions. Its when he goes about making what you want to do more difficult or impossible without physically impeding you that it becomes real passive aggression. If you modify your actions to match his wishes, you have to accept responsibility for the part you play in that dynamic. Going along with his wishes while feeling resentful about them is as much a passive aggressive act on your part as the example of your conversation with your BF is a passive aggressive act on his part.
Author akeshabelle Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 There is nothing wrong with that, but please, let's not pretend and fool ourselves that it is about anything else. Such as "exploring your personality" :lmao:. WTF . Who said that? I have a good body and I like to dress nice. I take a lot of pride in my appearance and I like being admired by both men and women. If that's a crime then lock me up. He has the perfect out here, you confront him about it, he says he never said you can't do it, you let it go. I've dealt with this kind of behavior, it's not pretty and it does get worse. My ex used to pass comment on what drink I bought, if I had one alcoholic drink, he would try and advise me that that was enough-(it was only 5% volume of alcohol, it was also a party) to 'protect' me, he'd try and stop me wearing what I wanted to wear with a look and eventually, I stopped being able to go out without him there. It may seem harmless, but things like that can be really damaging in the long run-I left, I suggest you consider doing the same. Yes I know what you mean! The other night I poured myself a glass of wine, I had taken all but half a sip when he said something that got on my nerves. I asked him not to say it and that I don't think he takes my feelings seriously and he immediately turned it around on me "Uh oh, someone's cranky because she's had a drink!!!" he said. And once he has something like that in his head there is no convincing him otherwise. Whenever I am pissed off it has to be either because I am drunk or because I am due for my period, it can't possibly be anything else. Heaven forbid HE may have actually done something to anger me. I think I'd be most disturbed that this is his mindset. It speaks that he thinks the way a woman dresses implies she is asking for it. He tells me this is the way OTHER men think. I don't mean to be a total sucker here but he does have a lot of good points too. That's what makes it so hard! It's not a clear cut no two ways about it decision for me. NO I don't want to have to put up with these things for the rest of my life, but all these years on and he still looks at me in "that way". I catch him staring at me often, and when I ask what he just smiles and says "I love you so much". He is responsible and reliable, he is clean and neat, he is always making sure I am ok and buying me lovely gifts "just because". I know it's wrong but I am scared to give that up... what if no one ever loves me like that again... no one ever had before him...
sally4sara Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 He tells me this is the way OTHER men think. Of course he says that; you'd have to wonder about his integrity and ethics otherwise. No one who thinks that way will openly admit it to his object of desire. I don't mean to be a total sucker here but he does have a lot of good points too. That's what makes it so hard! It's not a clear cut no two ways about it decision for me. NO I don't want to have to put up with these things for the rest of my life, but all these years on and he still looks at me in "that way". I catch him staring at me often, and when I ask what he just smiles and says "I love you so much". He is responsible and reliable, he is clean and neat, he is always making sure I am ok and buying me lovely gifts "just because". I know it's wrong but I am scared to give that up... what if no one ever loves me like that again... no one ever had before him... And this is the insecurity within you that enables his attempts to mold your behavior. Look at it this way, at the end of your days, when you take stock of all the things you wanted to do and never did because you stayed with someone who capitalized on your insecurities, will you be able to say it was an act of love or an act of fear? No one can love us more than we love ourselves because if we can't love ourselves more than that, we fail to stick to standards for what we will or will not tolerate. If I wanted a partner who contributed to a fair share of the household cleaning and said I'd leave if they couldn't live up to that, what is the likelihood of me leaving someone who never helped clean the house if I feared they were the best I could do? I might warn, give ultimatums, nag and yell, but not until I left would they take it seriously. You've acquiesced to his wishes so many times already, why would he think he has to stop influencing you this way when you've complied so many times before? Stop using his words to punk out of what you want to do and then shifting the full weight of the blame on him. You must share some of the blame because you give in. YOU don't love you enough to go for what will make you happy, how can you expect him to know you really need more understanding? It would be one thing if everything you wanted to do was to the betrayal and detriment of his life. But a pin up girl costume and non-coed dance classes will not harm him. You say he loves you more than anyone else ever did before? If he really loves you like you believe, he will learn to become comfortable with you setting harmless goals for yourself and following them through. It builds character and confidence. You really have to ask yourself how much a person not wanting to see this happen for you can really claim to love you. Maybe he fears, like you do when you give into what he wants, that if you become more driven and confident, you will leave HIM.
Author akeshabelle Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Maybe he fears, like you do when you give into what he wants, that if you become more driven and confident, you will leave HIM. I think that's exactly what he's afraid of. When we met I was basically a child (in the mind anyway). I was dependant, needy and quite pathetic really. Over the years I have become a completely different person, looking back at the person I was I just have to shake my head! I think maybe he sees how much I have grown, how self sufficient and independent I have become and that scares him, so he tries to bring me down a little bit, remind me that I do still need him, in his own sneaky way. He never wants to go anywhere with me anymore in terms of when my friends invite us both out, I always end up going on my own, but I DO go. I used to just stay with him.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I think I'd be most disturbed that this is his mindset. It speaks that he thinks the way a woman dresses implies she is asking for it. It is not fact that most people, let alone law enforcers would walk on by if they witnessed a woman being gang raped no matter how she was dressed. People who would walk on by would do so no matter what the woman was wearing. I could not articulate why that comment of his bothered me but Sally has and I totally agree with her on this. At 46, he isn't going to change. Why have you been with him for 6 years? I was SO excited as I had heard it is great for you in terms of fitness and a bunch of fun with the girls, but he didn't want me to do it. He told me he would be embarassed if his family found out and he said "only sluts and single moms" particpate in things like that. How would he feel if his family found out he looked at teen porn? Sheesh. You are 29. Find a new man.
Author akeshabelle Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 At 46, he isn't going to change. Why have you been with him for 6 years? Love is blind and very very stupid lol. How would he feel if his family found out he looked at teen porn? Sheesh. Hmm, good point!!!! I have never ever considered that before. This is another thing he tries to turn around on me... if I say something like "I can't believe that 17 year old had sex with 3 guys at the same time!" he will call me a prude and say "so I guess you weren't doing anything wrong at 17 then Ms Perfect???" (I was). What can I come back with?!! He leaves me with absolutely nothing to say. And anytime I stand up for myself instead of yielding, he says I am giving him "attitude".
Jersey Shortie Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Love is blind and very very stupid lol I hear you. I just don't want you to be 40 and wondering why you stayed with a person that belittles you. This is another thing he tries to turn around on me... if I say something like "I can't believe that 17 year old had sex with 3 guys at the same time!" he will call me a prude and say "so I guess you weren't doing anything wrong at 17 then Ms Perfect???" (I was). What can I come back with?!! He leaves me with absolutely nothing to say. Why should you have to come back with anything? You shoulnd't have to defend yourself to the person you love Sweetie. He's purposely controlling you. Just because you did things wrong in your past, or wild, doesn't mean you're not allowed to have an opinion on a girl that had sex with three guys now. To be honest, with a man like this, there is nothing you can say. Because he will always be looking to have the upper hand over you. That's what seems to be important to him. What you have with this man isn't true intimacy and connection. You deserve better! Akeshabelle, if you really want to hold onto this relationship, you can. But if you are going to stay with him, may I suggestoin personal counceling for just you to work out what you want.
sally4sara Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Love is blind and very very stupid lol. Hmm, good point!!!! I have never ever considered that before. This is another thing he tries to turn around on me... if I say something like "I can't believe that 17 year old had sex with 3 guys at the same time!" he will call me a prude and say "so I guess you weren't doing anything wrong at 17 then Ms Perfect???" (I was). What can I come back with?!! He leaves me with absolutely nothing to say. And anytime I stand up for myself instead of yielding, he says I am giving him "attitude". Sit him down and tell him your thoughts about his verbal cues (manipulations). Take ownership for your part in it. Let him know that you believe the relationship the two of you have can be healthier and better. Then start going ahead and doing the things you want to do despite his attempts. His habit will continue as he has been doing it for a long time and you've been caving in for just as long. But follow though! You are not his child. It is quite possible that the combination of your age difference and how dependent you use to be has wrought this behavior out of him. He might just surprise you by growing more comfortable with treating you like an equal adult if he sees you behaving as such. And he might just up his manipulations. Either way, its time to discover just how truly compatible you two are once you're both being your genuine selves. If you find he cannot or will not grow to be more supportive of your goals, you might have to assess just how much he really loves you and if it is enough to keep you happily with him. My ex mother-in-law and I have remained close. Right before her son and I split, her husband of 30 years divorced her. She was at the age of 51 and had the same fears you've expressed in this thread. Yet she went on to meet a better, more loving man and has remarried. I'm sure, at your age that you can do the same.
A O Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I don't mean to be a total sucker here but he does have a lot of good points too. That's what makes it so hard! In my experience, there are three main relationship dynamics (1) looks - this provides the initial spark (2) personalty - which includes, among other things, how interesting, exciting or funny a person is, and (3) behavior - an all encompassing term that incorporates fundamental behavioral traits like communication, appreciation, respect, trust, loyalty and so on, but which simply means - how someone treats people and equally as important, how they wish to be treated. Most people are well aware of the first two dynamics, but very few, however, are either aware nor understand that the most important dynamic of all is number three - behavior! A lot of people have been or currently are in your position. Those who have moved on to better things and those who typically describe their relationships in glowing terms have grown to learn, or fortunate for them, already understood, that "behavior" is thee most important dynamic of all and will not be compromised, especially by the other two. I know it's wrong but I am scared to give that up... what if no one ever loves me like that again... no one ever had before him... Understandable and again, fairly typical thought process for a person in your position. I don't know if you work or whether you have any hobbies or interests. But you need to get out and about and you need to get away from him. You need to find ways to boost your self-esteem because this is one sure-fire way that you'll eventually find the 'guts' to do what you know you should be doing. Mixing or learning to mix with other folk and achieving things/goals will help you along this path. You now have some options and some tools to ponder over. Hopefully, they'll help swing you in the right direction. Fingers crossed. .
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