akeshabelle Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 My boyfriend has a way of being very very controlling without doing it directly. For example, recently I attended a dress up party. I was going as Serena Williams and my friend decided to go as a pin up girl. I told my boyfriend I was a little disappointed that I hadn't come up with the pin up girl idea first as I love their style - the fishnets, the hairstyle, the makeup, everything is just lovely. After I made this statement my boyfriend said "well you have to be careful going to a party dressed basically as a PROSTITUTE. Not even the cops would jump in if 5 guys were raping you". He always says things like that as a way of deterring me from doing certain things. He would never say the words "I do not want you to" or "you cannot" and therefore believes in not saying these words he is not being controlling. If I choose to ignore him and go ahead with it he spends the next few months punishing me and passing his remarks off as a joke so I feel like I have no right to be angry. I have no idea how to deal with this. I am a grown woman and should be able to do what I want AND wear what I want.
Author akeshabelle Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Why don't you break up with him? Because I am trying to give it a go instead of just throwing in the towel. We have been together for many years. Is it hopeless though - will he never change??
Green Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Because I am trying to give it a go instead of just throwing in the towel. We have been together for many years. Is it hopeless though - will he never change?? In my opinion people don't change, they just get worse.
Sivok Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 No he wont change. He doesn't want his girl going to a party scantly clad with alot of alcohol and guys around. I wouldn't. He's protective of you, that's all it is. Compromise that or nothing on his end will change - his reactions are emotional, your actions are not.
kdark Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 No he wont change. He doesn't want his girl going to a party scantly clad with alot of alcohol and guys around. I wouldn't. He's protective of you, that's all it is. Compromise that or nothing on his end will change - his reactions are emotional, your actions are not. You're right, his reactions are emotional. They are also controlling. Call me crazy, but I would hope he trusts her enough to go to a costume party in a scantily clad outfit with alcohol being served, and not cheat. If he's worried about her being taken advantage of, then he can just go with her to protect her. Not only is he controlling, but he also can't articulate how he's feeling in a constructive way, and has to resort to childish games to get his point across. I would confront him about the passive aggressive bullcrap he's pulling.
Author akeshabelle Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 I have to disagree Sivok. It is not about compromise at all. I am not his 16 year old daughter, I am his girlfriend and a grown woman. If I want to go to a party in nothing but nipple coverers I should be able to do it. This is MY life, MY body. He doesn't gain instant ownership of me the minute we become a couple. Of course I wouldn't want to do something like that, but that's just an example. We have been together for over 6 years now and I have never even come close to cheating. Protective of me? Saying "even the cops wouldn't jump in if 5 guys were raping you" is protective?? Wow I feel so special. He did the same thing last year when a girlfriend of mine suggested we take a pole dancing class. I was SO excited as I had heard it is great for you in terms of fitness and a bunch of fun with the girls, but he didn't want me to do it. He told me he would be embarassed if his family found out and he said "only sluts and single moms" particpate in things like that. I tried to explain that I wouldn't be dancing there in my thong in front of a bunch of men, but in a hall in my sweats with other girls but he wouldn't have it. It was tacky and that was that. I didn't even end up DOING the class and nearly a year later he is still punishing me with little remarks and jabs anytime anything about pole dancing comes on tv. Thanks for your input, kdark. This is something I have been wondering about for a while, and the term passive agressive seems to come up a hell of a lot whenever I ask for advice. The thing that bothers me so much is that this is not some insecure kid, the man is 45 years old.
pantherj Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I have to disagree Sivok. It is not about compromise at all. I am not his 16 year old daughter, I am his girlfriend and a grown woman. If I want to go to a party in nothing but nipple coverers I should be able to do it. This is MY life, MY body. He doesn't gain instant ownership of me the minute we become a couple. Of course I wouldn't want to do something like that, but that's just an example. We have been together for over 6 years now and I have never even come close to cheating. Protective of me? Saying "even the cops wouldn't jump in if 5 guys were raping you" is protective?? Wow I feel so special. He did the same thing last year when a girlfriend of mine suggested we take a pole dancing class. I was SO excited as I had heard it is great for you in terms of fitness and a bunch of fun with the girls, but he didn't want me to do it. He told me he would be embarassed if his family found out and he said "only sluts and single moms" particpate in things like that. I tried to explain that I wouldn't be dancing there in my thong in front of a bunch of men, but in a hall in my sweats with other girls but he wouldn't have it. It was tacky and that was that. I didn't even end up DOING the class and nearly a year later he is still punishing me with little remarks and jabs anytime anything about pole dancing comes on tv. Thanks for your input, kdark. This is something I have been wondering about for a while, and the term passive agressive seems to come up a hell of a lot whenever I ask for advice. The thing that bothers me so much is that this is not some insecure kid, the man is 45 years old. How old are you? Are you here to ask a question?
Sivok Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Ah, I wasn't aware you two were together for so long. I had assumed you two were a fairly new college couple considering the dynamic your situation proposes. Personally, I would never want my gf going around parties dressed as a slut if im not with her -but to each their own. The solution is really only one word - communication. Confront him about it.
Author akeshabelle Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 How old are you? Are you here to ask a question? 29. I thought that was clear from the thread title... how do you deal with an indirectly controlling boyfriend. Ah, I wasn't aware you two were together for so long. I had assumed you two were a fairly new college couple considering the dynamic your situation proposes. Personally, I would never want my gf going around parties dressed as a slut if im not with her -but to each their own. The solution is really only one word - communication. Confront him about it. It doesn't matter if he is with me or not. I feel like I have to be covered in neck to knee dresses all the time. I have a good body and I pride myself in how hard I work for it. What's the problem with that???
Confusedalways Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I have to disagree Sivok. It is not about compromise at all. I am not his 16 year old daughter, I am his girlfriend and a grown woman. If I want to go to a party in nothing but nipple coverers I should be able to do it. This is MY life, MY body. He doesn't gain instant ownership of me the minute we become a couple. Of course I wouldn't want to do something like that, but that's just an example. We have been together for over 6 years now and I have never even come close to cheating. Protective of me? Saying "even the cops wouldn't jump in if 5 guys were raping you" is protective?? Wow I feel so special. He did the same thing last year when a girlfriend of mine suggested we take a pole dancing class. I was SO excited as I had heard it is great for you in terms of fitness and a bunch of fun with the girls, but he didn't want me to do it. He told me he would be embarassed if his family found out and he said "only sluts and single moms" particpate in things like that. I tried to explain that I wouldn't be dancing there in my thong in front of a bunch of men, but in a hall in my sweats with other girls but he wouldn't have it. It was tacky and that was that. I didn't even end up DOING the class and nearly a year later he is still punishing me with little remarks and jabs anytime anything about pole dancing comes on tv. Please don't tell me you didn't do the class because he didn't let you or something. Nobody should be telling you what you can and cannot do. There is a nice way to address a problem and a not nice way. 1. "akeshabelle, it really makes me uncomfortable that you are going to this pole dancing class. I don't like it because XYZ." 2. "akeshabelle, you are not going to this class. are you a stripper, do you plan to be a stripper. no, absolutely not." If it's door number 2, I'd say see ya. I know for a fact nobody in my life would ever tell me I 'cannot' do something, because I don't roll like that. Seriously, you need to speak up and tell him this is NOT cool.
pantherj Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 29. I thought that was clear from the thread title... how do you deal with an indirectly controlling boyfriend. Ok he's 45 and you're 29. Is this situation where your with him because he's loaded? It doesn't sound like you're with him because of his personality. If you're with him because he's loaded (I don't know that's the case) then he probably thinks of you as his property to a certain extent. I think that's the root of the problem, and I doubt he'll change.
Sivok Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 It doesn't matter if he is with me or not. I feel like I have to be covered in neck to knee dresses all the time. I have a good body and I pride myself in how hard I work for it. What's the problem with that???I do too but I don't go around parties wearing boxer briefs. If I saw you at a party scantly clad like that, I'd probably assume you're easy/loose and dressed that way for male attention. That's not a reputation I'd want my girl to have *shrugs*
jamal Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 reality is that this guy is an alpha male who knows how to put his foot down. Frankly, women love it when a man can put his foot down and call the shots. That's why she is still with him after all these years of being bossed around. I doubt if she will ever leave him. All she needs is an outlet and we are all ears.
Author akeshabelle Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 (edited) There is a nice way to address a problem and a not nice way. 1. "akeshabelle, it really makes me uncomfortable that you are going to this pole dancing class. I don't like it because XYZ." 2. "akeshabelle, you are not going to this class. are you a stripper, do you plan to be a stripper. no, absolutely not." If it's door number 2, I'd say see ya. It's neither. It's him clamming up and giving me the silent treatment until I ask him what is wrong and then he tells me he thinks it's tacky. Ok he's 45 and you're 29. Is this situation where your with him because he's loaded? It doesn't sound like you're with him because of his personality. If you're with him because he's loaded (I don't know that's the case) then he probably thinks of you as his property to a certain extent. I think that's the root of the problem, and I doubt he'll change. LOL he wishes. Far from loaded. This is just one bad trait of his, he has a lot of good ones, and that's what I fell in love with way back when. I was kinda young and stupid and didn't really know what I was getting myself in for. It's only as the years have gone on that I have started to see things differently and actually questioned his actions rather than accepting them. I do too but I don't go around parties wearing boxer briefs. If I saw you at a party scantly clad like that, I'd probably assume you're easy/loose and dressed that way for male attention. That's not a reputation I'd want my girl to have *shrugs* It was a DRESS UP PARTY, dude. EVERYONE was scantily clad. We had a Tom Cruise risky business there, a Lady Gaga, a French maid etc etc etc. I would have been one of the most covered for sure!! Edited June 15, 2010 by akeshabelle
kdark Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I do too but I don't go around parties wearing boxer briefs. If I saw you at a party scantly clad like that, I'd probably assume you're easy/loose and dressed that way for male attention. That's not a reputation I'd want my girl to have *shrugs* I think you're just jealous and wished you got to take her home and f*ck her yourself...
Author akeshabelle Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 I think you're just jealous and wished you got to take her home and f*ck her yourself... I don't f*ck anyone but my man thanks!
pantherj Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 LOL he wishes. Far from loaded. This is just one bad trait of his, he has a lot of good ones, and that's what I fell in love with way back when. I was kinda young and stupid and didn't really know what I was getting myself in for. It's only as the years have gone on that I have started to see things differently and actually questioned his actions rather than accepting them. Has captain killjoy ever asked you to wear a berka?
Author akeshabelle Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Has captain killjoy ever asked you to wear a berka? Huh? No of course not, neither of us are muslim, why would he? A tad confused....
pantherj Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Huh? No of course not, neither of us are muslim, why would he? A tad confused.... I was just kidding.
kdark Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I don't f*ck anyone but my man thanks! I wasn't implying that you did. But I'm sure if you wore the scantily clad outfit in question, if sivok saw you at a party, he would wish he could.
sweetjasmine Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 No he wont change. He doesn't want his girl going to a party scantly clad with alot of alcohol and guys around. I wouldn't. He's protective of you, that's all it is. Compromise that or nothing on his end will change - his reactions are emotional, your actions are not. There's a difference between being protective of someone and saying they'd look like a prostitute and even cops wouldn't stop five guys from raping them. If your partner wants to do something that makes you uncomfortable, you should address it like an adult instead of denigrating them and calling them names like "slut." If I were OP, I wouldn't mind hearing, "I don't feel comfortable with you doing that," but I certainly would mind be called a slut or prostitute and having my boyfriend suggest that I'd be raped. Real classy, that.
Author akeshabelle Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 I was just kidding. Oh... I wasn't implying that you did. But I'm sure if you wore the scantily clad outfit in question, if sivok saw you at a party, he would wish he could. Oh AGAIN. Sorry for being a little on edge, I'm just quite angry about all of this. I can't seem to muster up the guts to confront him about it, and if I do he just turns it around on me and tells me he doesn't have time for any "drama". If I were OP, I wouldn't mind hearing, "I don't feel comfortable with you doing that," but I certainly would mind be called a slut or prostitute and having my boyfriend suggest that I'd be raped. Real classy, that. Yes I didn't quite know what to say to that, I was just in so much shock that he'd actually said it.
A O Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Not only is he controlling, but he also can't articulate how he's feeling in a constructive way, and has to resort to childish games to get his point across. Indeed. I can't seem to muster up the guts to confront him about it You don't need to confront him - you need to confront yourself. You need to open your eyes and realize that you and you alone hold the power to your own happiness. Your situation is extremely common, extremely common and the most successful path out for all those who've been in your shoes beforehand (and to come) is for you to open your eyes, realize that you deserve better, and the only way that will happen is through your actions, not his. And the first action you need to take is to leave this man. Quality relationships need good communication to survive. Crap relationships need very little, if any, decent communication to struggle on with. Which type of relationship do you think you deserve? If the former, then what's stopping you from achieving that (the answer is fairly obvious). If the latter, then just carry on as is. .
Recommended Posts