wheelwright Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 (edited) a) That your xAP was recommitting happily to his/her M and had moved on from you/fog had cleared/found it easy in retrospect to own it was just an A? or b) That s/he still pined after you daily, and while content in his/hers/ M (obviously cos he stays), still saw you as the love of his/her life? I am assuming what you hear is the truth - what we all want to hear regardless. or is it just c) Simply that you no longer care. It's about you now. You don't want to hear anything. Does it matter how long you are out of the A? And any WSs reading, what do you assume your xAP wants to hear? Edited June 14, 2010 by wheelwright adding
Silly_Girl Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 Ouch. Can I be awkward? I'd like to hear that he was truly and utterly in love with me, and all our 'moments' and talks were real and fully meant by both parties, but when push came to shove his loyalties lie with a pre-existing relationship (his marriage) and he was doing everything... EVERYTHING within his power to rebuild that, make it work and make it the most special and enduring relationship of his life. I'd hate to be referred to as 'just an affair'. That's my pride, and because the split was quite recent.
fooled once Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 a) That your xAP was recommitting happily to his/her M and had moved on from you/fog had cleared/found it easy in retrospect to own it was just an A? or b) That s/he still pined after you daily, and while content in his/hers/ M (obviously cos he stays), still saw you as the love of his/her life? I am assuming what you hear is the truth - what we all want to hear regardless. or is it just c) Simply that you no longer care. It's about you now. You don't want to hear anything. Does it matter how long you are out of the A? And any WSs reading, what do you assume your xAP wants to hear? C. I do believe in time, people who were in, but are now out of, affairs, can 'see' that it doesn't really matter. What matters is moving forward, having a good life, being happy and finding peace. For me - that answer is c. I just don't care. If he showed up at my door, professing undying love - wouldn't mean squat to me. That period of my life is over, I harbor no feelings (love or hate or bitterness) towards him. I found someone who makes me a priority, not an option
Hazyhead Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 C/D - Nothing ever again! Not quite indifferent yet, but working towards it. I no longer want to catch even a sniff of him. Saying that, I do hope he finds happiness; I don't see the point in not wishing that - it would just be me hanging on to bitterness. Onwards and upwards!
Hazyhead Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 C - Nothing ever again! Not quite indifferent yet, but working towards it. I no longer want to catch even a sniff of him. Saying that, I do hope he finds happiness; I don't see the point in not wishing that - it would just be me hanging on to bitterness. Onwards and upwards!
Author wheelwright Posted June 14, 2010 Author Posted June 14, 2010 I gather from the few responses so far that c) is gonna be popular. This also made me realise something about myself. I find it easier to move on from x friends/ x lovers if I know they are good. I don't find myself indifferent for a long long time. That has got slightly easier as I got older I suppose. I like what you said Silly Girl. But how do you move on from that easily? Doesn't ot prey on you that xAP would think like this? Perhaps you are already at c) with healthy nostalgia thrown in.
ladydesigner Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 A year ago I would have said B, but I am happy to say that my answer today would be a CAPITAL C. I am at indifference and no longer care. I am not angry and I do not miss him. I would rather we both never hear of or speak to one another ever again but not in a bad way, more of a moving on with life kinda way.
Silly_Girl Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 I like what you said Silly Girl. But how do you move on from that easily? Doesn't ot prey on you that xAP would think like this? Perhaps you are already at c) with healthy nostalgia thrown in. Maybe. You could be right there. It's early days, and I was in a nasty relationship until last year. And I hated my behaviour and my panic attacks etc within that. My relationship with xMM helped me to move on, move back to the calmer, deeper me. And some practical issues - first lover since psycho-ex (I was worried about that), first man I talked to about that violent relationship (I was very worried about that), first man to whom I could ever say everything I was feeling, good/bad comfy/scary. I suspect I am going to need to believe in the validity and depth of that connection for a while yet. And for xMM to choose his marriage over what I felt we had means I would be saddened if he did not give his all to make that in to the relationship that truly mattered in his life. My view is that a relationship without sex (his marriage) will never satisfy him, he will probably cheat again, and in time he MAY come to see me a 'simply an affair' - I don't think so. It depends, I think, on who he gets with next
Confused4Now Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 c) Simply that you no longer care. It's about you now. You don't want to hear anything. For me it's C) I don't care to hear nothing anymore.
Author wheelwright Posted June 14, 2010 Author Posted June 14, 2010 I suspect I am going to need to believe in the validity and depth of that connection for a while yet. And for xMM to choose his marriage over what I felt we had means I would be saddened if he did not give his all to make that in to the relationship that truly mattered in his life. My view is that a relationship without sex (his marriage) will never satisfy him, he will probably cheat again, and in time he MAY come to see me a 'simply an affair' - I don't think so. It depends, I think, on who he gets with next I get what you mean here. I find that bit hard too. (((SG)))
Just a stone's throw Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Was in a FWB situation, I sincerely hope that he and his wife could find a way to make their relationship work on every level. This is somewhat selfishly motivated b/c if he could get over me (sexually) then I could finally distance myself from him...... No I don't need to hear that he loves me or needs me or ever wants to be with me to eternity. And I don't want to have any of those conversations generated from my side either. FWB.... that's all it was.....
pureinheart Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Ouch. Can I be awkward? I'd like to hear that he was truly and utterly in love with me, and all our 'moments' and talks were real and fully meant by both parties, but when push came to shove his loyalties lie with a pre-existing relationship (his marriage) and he was doing everything... EVERYTHING within his power to rebuild that, make it work and make it the most special and enduring relationship of his life. I'd hate to be referred to as 'just an affair'. That's my pride, and because the split was quite recent. I don't think many would want to be referred to as just an A..not pride I gather from the few responses so far that c) is gonna be popular. This also made me realise something about myself. I find it easier to move on from x friends/ x lovers if I know they are good. I don't find myself indifferent for a long long time. That has got slightly easier as I got older I suppose. I like what you said Silly Girl. But how do you move on from that easily? Doesn't ot prey on you that xAP would think like this? Perhaps you are already at c) with healthy nostalgia thrown in. For me, hatred, anger etc...you know those "wonderful emotions" actually keep me in bondage to that person that I am trying to get over/forget. Anger actually causes people to be prisoners....
MorningCoffee Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 What I want to hear is: "Hi. This is to let you that H and I are finally divorcing. Maybe in a little while, you and I can talk about things." Short of that, all I want to hear is the sound of respect for my NC request, for me, for my own life -- that is (with apologies to Simon and Garfunkel), the sound of silence.
Hazyhead Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I don't think many would want to be referred to as just an A..not pride For me, hatred, anger etc...you know those "wonderful emotions" actually keep me in bondage to that person that I am trying to get over/forget. Anger actually causes people to be prisoners.... Agreed It really helped me get to the place where I was like, 'Meh... whatever,' as it enabled me to see him and the affair for what they really were, but you gotta let it go to find peace.
pureinheart Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Agreed It really helped me get to the place where I was like, 'Meh... whatever,' as it enabled me to see him and the affair for what they really were, but you gotta let it go to find peace. Man Hazy, it seemed like it took forever to get to the point of not caring and wishing him well. Yep (in bold), the torment I went through, there were times I thought I'd literally loose my mind...now the major issue on my mind is getting healthier and loosing some weight:)
jj33 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 What I want to hear is: "Hi. This is to let you that H and I are finally divorcing. Maybe in a little while, you and I can talk about things." Short of that, all I want to hear is the sound of respect for my NC request, for me, for my own life -- that is (with apologies to Simon and Garfunkel), the sound of silence. For the longest time the former was all I wanted to hear. Now all I want to hear is the sound of respect for my NC request. Ive not heard that yet and its driving me over the bend so much that yesterday for the first time I almost considered closing my business and doing I dont know what? Going I dont know where. And no one can stop him (Ive tried repeatedly). He does as he pleases which is probably why he stays married. He can do as he pleases. I feel so stuck and so trapped.
joey66 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Let me see ... I hope she spends every minute of every day tormented by the thought of me. I hope she wakes up in the morning and goes to sleep at night thinking of me and what we had. I hope she spends all her time thinking about how badly she treated me at the end. I hope she regrets the end of our relationship for the rest of her miserable life. I hope she burns in hell. Does that answer the question, or am I being too vague?
Holding-On Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Let me see ... I hope she spends every minute of every day tormented by the thought of me. I hope she wakes up in the morning and goes to sleep at night thinking of me and what we had. I hope she spends all her time thinking about how badly she treated me at the end. I hope she regrets the end of our relationship for the rest of her miserable life. I hope she burns in hell. Does that answer the question, or am I being too vague? lol Joey man, I can't understand you .. you are being too obscure. Say what you mean. Well mine was not the typical A, so what I really would love to hear is that it has made him and his wife TALK to each other and get closer and resolve their problems so that their monogamous marriage is working for them again. I'd like to hear that I'd been part of a situation that caused her insight/introspection (the BW) and not any lasting harm. Since we are in fantasy land... I guess, for me, something close to "a". I cared about him, I want him to have a good life. Unfortunately, given his avoidance of problems approach in general I think that scenario is highly unlikely. I certainly DON'T want him to be pining for me. I have a scrumptious new boyfriend tyvm.
jthorne Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..." -Cookie Monster
silverplanets Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I hope that she learns to be happy in herself and that, whatever she chooses to do with the rest of her time on this planet she chooses those things which bring her deep, inner peace and fulfillment. - That if she feels any guilt over us, then she uses this to make her a better person and give more of her time to helping others. - That if she feels any sorry and loss over us, then she uses this to bring understanding to those other people who feel sorrow and loss and aren't able to help themselves. - That is she feels love for me, then she uses that love to smile and accept that we got so close but it was just too far, and that this love changes over time to a genuine wish that I am well and happy. I hope she lives long, everyone in her life is healthy and happy and I hope she can find the strength to control any urges she has to contact me until any such time as she is completely single and emotionally centered. This is what I would wish for her life, but I don't spend any time wishing it. I have my own short time on this planet and hope myself, my daughter and friends/family are blessed with health so that we may enjoy the precious time we have. Chris
Author wheelwright Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 I hope that she learns to be happy in herself and that, whatever she chooses to do with the rest of her time on this planet she chooses those things which bring her deep, inner peace and fulfillment. - That if she feels any guilt over us, then she uses this to make her a better person and give more of her time to helping others. - That if she feels any sorry and loss over us, then she uses this to bring understanding to those other people who feel sorrow and loss and aren't able to help themselves. - That is she feels love for me, then she uses that love to smile and accept that we got so close but it was just too far, and that this love changes over time to a genuine wish that I am well and happy. I hope she lives long, everyone in her life is healthy and happy and I hope she can find the strength to control any urges she has to contact me until any such time as she is completely single and emotionally centered. This is what I would wish for her life, but I don't spend any time wishing it. I have my own short time on this planet and hope myself, my daughter and friends/family are blessed with health so that we may enjoy the precious time we have. Chris Just too beautiful to comment.
Author wheelwright Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Let me see ... I hope she spends every minute of every day tormented by the thought of me. I hope she wakes up in the morning and goes to sleep at night thinking of me and what we had. I hope she spends all her time thinking about how badly she treated me at the end. I hope she regrets the end of our relationship for the rest of her miserable life. I hope she burns in hell. Does that answer the question, or am I being too vague? I don't hope any of this for my xMOM. But it sure made me laugh reading this. I hope you don't fully mean it! I think it compares nicely with Silver's response above. The extremity of both is absolutely an answer to the OP. And I guess most people fall somewhere in the middle. Thanks SP and J66, cos you both somehow made my day.
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