Stuck!

[WhyHope]

Hi WhyHope - Sorry I have been out of the loop for a little while. I have been watching however....please be careful where you are treading, it could be a place you might not come back from.

 

You are vulnerable right now dealing with your own emotions. While your head may be helping her where her H is concerned and vice-versa, the road of good intentions may not always be paved of gold.

 

I will check back in a few days, but keep your wits about you, you and your children need that right now.

 

 

TRIPPI - Right away - THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING sexual between us. Nada! We were friends and still are - in fact - when I was over at her house last night and her H called, I made sure that she told him that I am there hanging out w her. (Him and I know each other). She is just like my wife - a driven workaholic. Just like my wife - she only has guy friends. She really opened up my eyes on all of the jealousy stuff. EAs - they are not always what people crack them out to be. Just friendships. Yes, the guy has certain intentions, yes, the girl is putting herself into a vulnerable position - but still it is not as bad if as we make them.

 

She spoke to me the language of my W. It was great to hear a lot of the things without any negativity. W her situation - listen, I gave her only one advice - (she is depressed) - get out of your depression first and then deal with your marriage. She seemed to agree.

 

What she suggested to me - give my W what she is ASKING for (and I am no hearing or refusing to hear) - i.e.: space, earning power, affection and help. Start with space and work your way up. I feel that I have an awesome chance. Especially that after she heard WHAT my wife has said to me (hurtful things) - she explained to me that the ONLY reason my W does that is to hurt me, because she actually still cares. So I am beck on the difficult path of LC.

[spriggig]

But this is crazy - I did not think that there were so many couples w "problems"...

 

Same here. It finally occurred to me that when one spouse is so often blindsided on D-Day, what chance do outsiders have of knowing the truth?

 

Only the closest friends get any insight and then only from the half who is considering leaving. So, yeah, many marriages look shiny on the outside, but most are rotten on the inside. And being "rotten" has nothing to do with fighting, in fact couples who fight well are more likely to stay together.

 

Some estimates I've seen say 75% of women are unhappy in their marriage at any given time--and those are the ones who'll admit it.

 

Here's this tid bit: Does Divorce Make People Happy?

http://www.americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html

[Tea]

WOW - I met TEA! No, not really - just spoke to a friend of mine (girl) from my previous job. SHE - successful attorney, HIM - successful DR; 2 great kids - same age as my kids. Her and her H - are my age. To me - they ALWAYS were the fairy tale couple. Guess what??? She is the WAW. And no - there is no OM. NONE! H has issues in her eyes, that are almost identical to mine.

 

Will meet with her tonight. (Phone conversation was borderline weird - it was like talking to my W...) But, we are friends and she is willing to help me, and I am willing to help her H (by talking to her). I know what and how he feels, and she knows what my W feels.

 

But this is crazy - I did not think that there were so many couples w "problems"...

 

 

She does sound like me a few months ago! Yes, a lot of couples have problems and, for me personally, it was difficult when we did have those problems b/c we were always the "fairy tale couple."

 

I agree with her about giving your wife her space. Focus on yourself (children, career, self-image). How do you not sulk, pout, but still be LC? STOP ASKING HER OUT! I don't know why you have continued to cling on. No more clinging. I don't know how you have jumped from just giving her the space she needs to moving out, but can't figure out how to give her space. It's suffocating and she's just not ready right now.

 

You moving out really won't show her how you have changed within the marriage. Asking where she is, timing her, etc. It will show her that you could be fine on your own. Sigh...I know others don't agree with me and I could see that perspective. I would recommend separate residences in certain situations.

 

Here, I think you had about a month to give her space and show her you both could live independent lives and still enjoy lives together. I guess at this point it has gone beyond that, so you will move. What do you think you could show her that you have not already shown when you moved out the first time? I suppose you could increase your earning potential because you will be focused on yourself, but you could have done that under the same roof.

 

Pick up some hobbies. Only communicate regarding the kids. Don't sulk, be happy with your day's accomplishments. Don't be petty. Don't bite the bait when she wants to start an argument.

 

As for your friend, right now you both are vulnerable. See: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t237451/

 

You could absolutely talk to her AND her H and you gave her great advice. Just be careful. You seem to me to have a dependent personality and always needs somebody. You need to find that comfort in yourself.

 

Keep a diary of your feelings, even the deep dark ones. Read them a week later and get to know you.

[WhyHope]

Let me make this simple - EA/PA confirmed. I was right after all... But even that did not discourage me from trying to save the marriage. After some things happened - I realized that we have different values. Kids and family are the most important things in my life. Money and selfishness - are her main things. I finally have my eyes wide open.

 

I have filed. It promises to be really nasty. Will pop in for updates. Keep on keeping on!

 

BTW - I turned to professional help with my "alcohol" problem. That professional told me that my problem is not alcohol - its my marriage. LOL! But I have quit drinking - for my own sake.

 

No more rollercoaster - I got off. YES - it is that simple - I do not want to be married to a selfish b!tch. Do I love her? NO - I loved the person I THOUGHT I knew. Will I ever consider reconciling? Possibly... I love my kids too damn much - I know that that would make them happy. Will we "grow old and happy together? Heck no! ))))

[WhyHope]

She does sound like me a few months ago! Yes, a lot of couples have problems and, for me personally, it was difficult when we did have those problems b/c we were always the "fairy tale couple."

 

I agree with her about giving your wife her space. Focus on yourself (children, career, self-image). How do you not sulk, pout, but still be LC? STOP ASKING HER OUT! I don't know why you have continued to cling on. No more clinging. I don't know how you have jumped from just giving her the space she needs to moving out, but can't figure out how to give her space. It's suffocating and she's just not ready right now.

 

You moving out really won't show her how you have changed within the marriage. Asking where she is, timing her, etc. It will show her that you could be fine on your own. Sigh...I know others don't agree with me and I could see that perspective. I would recommend separate residences in certain situations.

 

Here, I think you had about a month to give her space and show her you both could live independent lives and still enjoy lives together. I guess at this point it has gone beyond that, so you will move. What do you think you could show her that you have not already shown when you moved out the first time? I suppose you could increase your earning potential because you will be focused on yourself, but you could have done that under the same roof.

 

Pick up some hobbies. Only communicate regarding the kids. Don't sulk, be happy with your day's accomplishments. Don't be petty. Don't bite the bait when she wants to start an argument.

 

As for your friend, right now you both are vulnerable. See: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t237451/

 

You could absolutely talk to her AND her H and you gave her great advice. Just be careful. You seem to me to have a dependent personality and always needs somebody. You need to find that comfort in yourself.

 

Keep a diary of your feelings, even the deep dark ones. Read them a week later and get to know you.

 

 

Tea - I am an open book - what you see is what you get. I refuse to lie. With that friend - I am not attracted to her in any way. She is almost like a "same-age" mother to me. We still talk, even after I filed.

 

She told her H to move out - he did. I tried to help her in terms of just realizing that her H is not all that bad. She would have nothing of it. But, it is what it is - people, after all make their own choices. I wish they listened more to those who went through the same stuff. WE ARE NOT SPECIAL! ))) It is a hard but very useful realization

[Tea]

Let me make this simple - EA/PA confirmed. I was right after all... But even that did not discourage me from trying to save the marriage. After some things happened - I realized that we have different values. Kids and family are the most important things in my life. Money and selfishness - are her main things. I finally have my eyes wide open.

 

I have filed. It promises to be really nasty. Will pop in for updates. Keep on keeping on!

 

BTW - I turned to professional help with my "alcohol" problem. That professional told me that my problem is not alcohol - its my marriage. LOL! But I have quit drinking - for my own sake.

 

No more rollercoaster - I got off. YES - it is that simple - I do not want to be married to a selfish b!tch. Do I love her? NO - I loved the person I THOUGHT I knew. Will I ever consider reconciling? Possibly... I love my kids too damn much - I know that that would make them happy. Will we "grow old and happy together? Heck no! ))))

 

Whoa! Well, GOOD! You sound like a different person! I am actually HAPPY for you!

[Binster]

Been following your post for a while had a feeling this was what was going to happen. Best advice I can give is put your lawyers hat on, and play hard ball to get what you want out of the mariage for you and the kids.

 

She knows how to press your buttons, but you know how to press hers (threaten her wallet).

[WhyHope]

Been following your post for a while had a feeling this was what was going to happen. Best advice I can give is put your lawyers hat on, and play hard ball to get what you want out of the mariage for you and the kids.

 

She knows how to press your buttons, but you know how to press hers (threaten her wallet).

 

 

LOL. That is exactly what I am doing - I said that I am taking whatever the Court will give me - which is half. I want 50% custody. So far she is "dangling" it in front of me - trying to exchange for $$$. Sure! That will work! I will not be manipulated anymore. She is pissed. Any money that I am getting - I already told her that - would go into a trust for the kids. No matter what - we r splitting up. If she wants to reconcile, yes, I would be stupid enough to actually go back in for the kids, BUT only on my terms and ONLY after the divorce is final.

 

I have no more buttons - I can only win in this situation. BTW - since my decision - my business is doing much better ))) Just went into a new venture too - that promises to be extremely lucrative ))).

 

All of our mutual friends are actually on my side. Everyone says that finally I have my eyes wide open. She is not a good person after all. And that kinda stinks - I made a mistake. That mistake cost me 8 years of my life. I trusted a wrong person.

 

 

TEA - thanks. I am not truly happy, BUT I am not crushed. It is what it is. Time to find myself. I am not a bad guy. I can be a better father; a better husband; a better friend. But room for improvement does not mean that I am crap )))

 

BTW - she hired a lawyer who actually is an acquaintance of mine. Good guy. Knows me in Court - right away his suggestion is to settle. He knows that I can make it bloody. Divorce Complaint - was probably one of the better legal writings I have done in quite a while. It is matter-of-fact and nasty. Her lawyer, if she brings up drinking, would actually be MY star witness. She does not realize that him and I went out once. And lets just say I had to drive hm home afterward.

Edited August 1, 2010 by WhyHope

[trippi1432]

Hi WhyHope....hate that it came down to this for you, I was really hoping things would turn out better. While it isn't a good place to be right now...you are at least on the right track to the next steps. The bigger thing is ensuring that the children are taken care of and that you are still an important part of their lives.

 

I wish you the best...keep checking in if you need support....the road ahead will be a long one emotionally but you can get through it.

[Binster]

Glad your eyes have been opened, and your starting to fight your corner.

Really hope things go well for you and the kids.

 

As you say not being perfect doesn't mean your crap, you deserve a lot better than this and I'm sure you'll get it, hopefully by then your wife will realise what she's lost.

[skywriter]

WhyHope,

 

I haven't posted on your thread for a while.I have been reading the post though.

 

I was hoping your W would come around and your marriage would improve.

 

I got the impression from your posts that you are a very genuine guy, what you read, (see etc...) is what you get.

 

Anyway, just wanted to wish you the best in your new business venture, and glad to hear that business is going so well.

 

Keep doing whatever it is you're doing, obviously it's working for you. Wish you and your children all the best.

[Nortishere]

Unfortunately it seems like most of these things always end the same way. One person or the other tries to work it out, but in the end it falls apart as it takes two. I've been there, and recently going through the emotional pain myself. Its difficult to give up on the life you had built with someone and let go of the past. But from reading these posts i see that in the end once you reach that point. life goes on, you find yourself again, and your life is happier then what you left behind.

[Windsurf66]

Let me make this simple - EA/PA confirmed. I was right after all... But even that did not discourage me from trying to save the marriage. After some things happened - I realized that we have different values. Kids and family are the most important things in my life. Money and selfishness - are her main things. I finally have my eyes wide open.

 

I have filed. It promises to be really nasty. Will pop in for updates. Keep on keeping on!

 

BTW - I turned to professional help with my "alcohol" problem. That professional told me that my problem is not alcohol - its my marriage. LOL! But I have quit drinking - for my own sake.

 

No more rollercoaster - I got off. YES - it is that simple - I do not want to be married to a selfish b!tch. Do I love her? NO - I loved the person I THOUGHT I knew. Will I ever consider reconciling? Possibly... I love my kids too damn much - I know that that would make them happy. Will we "grow old and happy together? Heck no! ))))

 

What did you find out, and how did you find out about the EA/PA?

 

And, what was her motive for getting you to move out?