"I Love You" after two months

[VertexSquared]

Update + answer to Eeyore:

 

Side note: I've already discussed ALL of this with my girlfriend, but I'd like to get other views.

 

Lately my girlfriend has been a little strange around me. She's told me she can't help but feel like she's having these internal freakouts. She feels as if she put herself out there to me, vulnerable, and now feels like it's different for her. She "wouldn't have said it to me had she not known I, in some way, felt the same about her," but she didn't anticipate that I would be so surprised by it.

 

I felt bad because I want to help alleviate her fears and concerns, but at the same time, I want to be honest with her. I am not sure how I can best do this. She has said she understands my perspective but just can't help how she feels.

 

To answer Eeyore: I do feel "those love feelings" for her, but the past has taught me to ride things out a bit longer to know for sure. We get along really well and generally do a decent job of being 100% open with each other, but I just don't want to move too fast. I feel like we've only seen each other's good sides so far. I'm not entirely sure that the honeymoon period has ended yet.

 

And, at the same time, love does scare me a little. Mainly I just have a fear of loving someone who eventually changes their mind on me. I feel like I have to really know that that person is serious about things and is willing to stick with me for the long haul, and I need to know that we'll be compatible with each other even when our flaws come out.

 

It would feel natural and easy for me to tell her I love her, but I don't want to jump the gun, especially two months in. To me it feels like someone trying to cook a steak by putting it in a nuclear reactor for a couple seconds. It's just not going to be as savory as a steak that's properly handled for the right duration.

 

I feel a bit torn. I really do care deeply for my girlfriend, and I don't want her to be in a state of anxiety around me, but at the same time I don't want to rush things. It's not like I'm even "shopping around" or "waiting to see what else is out there" -- I only have eyes for my girlfriend but I'd like to keep it that way. I worry that rushing it might be detrimental in the long run.

[Diezel]

Don't feel coerced into saying it back.

Right now, she's feeling some insecurity because according to her, it's her first time. Just demonstrate what you feel so far for her in actions.

 

I'm pretty sure right NOW she'd rather HEAR it from you, but in the long run, she needs to understand that it is MUCH more beneficial for her that you say it when you are 100% sure that you feel those three words, rather than just say them to appease her insecurity.

[VertexSquared]

Don't feel coerced into saying it back.

Right now, she's feeling some insecurity because according to her, it's her first time. Just demonstrate what you feel so far for her in actions.

 

I'm pretty sure right NOW she'd rather HEAR it from you, but in the long run, she needs to understand that it is MUCH more beneficial for her that you say it when you are 100% sure that you feel those three words, rather than just say them to appease her insecurity.

 

I agree -- I worry that if I just told her now, she'd worry that I was just saying it to appease her insecurity, and she'd STILL feel vulnerable and upset over it all. I want to say it and have her know that I mean it, and likewise, I'd want the same from her.

[Diezel]

So this process was all really recent, I'm guessing (sorry, I didn't read the whole thread).

 

If it was, it'll take her a few days, just SHOW her that you're not running away because she said it first and you didn't respond right away. Her insecurity about the situation will slowly wither away and then when you DO say it, she'll love it even more.

 

Just don't give into the fact that right now she's down about it.

[VertexSquared]

I just worry it'll eat her up or something -- she's going to inevitably feel this way until I say something.

[Diezel]

If you keep worrying about how she feels, it's going to eat YOU up.

[pandagirl]

Update + answer to Eeyore:

 

Side note: I've already discussed ALL of this with my girlfriend, but I'd like to get other views.

 

Lately my girlfriend has been a little strange around me. She's told me she can't help but feel like she's having these internal freakouts. She feels as if she put herself out there to me, vulnerable, and now feels like it's different for her. She "wouldn't have said it to me had she not known I, in some way, felt the same about her," but she didn't anticipate that I would be so surprised by it.

 

I felt bad because I want to help alleviate her fears and concerns, but at the same time, I want to be honest with her. I am not sure how I can best do this. She has said she understands my perspective but just can't help how she feels.

 

To answer Eeyore: I do feel "those love feelings" for her, but the past has taught me to ride things out a bit longer to know for sure. We get along really well and generally do a decent job of being 100% open with each other, but I just don't want to move too fast. I feel like we've only seen each other's good sides so far. I'm not entirely sure that the honeymoon period has ended yet.

 

And, at the same time, love does scare me a little. Mainly I just have a fear of loving someone who eventually changes their mind on me. I feel like I have to really know that that person is serious about things and is willing to stick with me for the long haul, and I need to know that we'll be compatible with each other even when our flaws come out.

 

It would feel natural and easy for me to tell her I love her, but I don't want to jump the gun, especially two months in. To me it feels like someone trying to cook a steak by putting it in a nuclear reactor for a couple seconds. It's just not going to be as savory as a steak that's properly handled for the right duration.

 

I feel a bit torn. I really do care deeply for my girlfriend, and I don't want her to be in a state of anxiety around me, but at the same time I don't want to rush things. It's not like I'm even "shopping around" or "waiting to see what else is out there" -- I only have eyes for my girlfriend but I'd like to keep it that way. I worry that rushing it might be detrimental in the long run.

 

Aw, I totally get where you are coming from, Vertex! I feel similarly about your views on "love." There's so "rush" on love, and the longer it cooks, the better it is.

 

It sounds like you are trying to be as comforting as you can to you girlfriend, which is really sweet. Is this her first time saying ILY? The thing is, you never say ILY to expect the same in return. You say it to let the other person know how you feel. Saying ILY should not be an affirmation of your partner's feeling for you.

 

My boyfriend said ILY to me first, and it was a bit of time before I said it back to him. He never pressured me to say it back, and we didn't even discuss it. But, we're a bit older than you guys, so maybe she's just less experienced in this realm of relationships. At the same time, you can't be held responsible for her anxiety over this. So, I guess I'm saying give it some time and see what pans out.

[VertexSquared]

Aw, I totally get where you are coming from, Vertex! I feel similarly about your views on "love." There's so "rush" on love, and the longer it cooks, the better it is.

 

It sounds like you are trying to be as comforting as you can to you girlfriend, which is really sweet. Is this her first time saying ILY? The thing is, you never say ILY to expect the same in return. You say it to let the other person know how you feel. Saying ILY should not be an affirmation of your partner's feeling for you.

 

My boyfriend said ILY to me first, and it was a bit of time before I said it back to him. He never pressured me to say it back, and we didn't even discuss it. But, we're a bit older than you guys, so maybe she's just less experienced in this realm of relationships. At the same time, you can't be held responsible for her anxiety over this. So, I guess I'm saying give it some time and see what pans out.

 

Yes, it is her first time, although every girl I have ever been with has at some point said ILY to me and has claimed it's their first time... so I have to wonder about this. At least her reactions are somewhat consistent with someone saying it for the first time.

 

She has never had a relationship last for more than a few months, whereas I've had a couple that have been around 2 years each (I am currently 23), so I do agree that she is relatively inexperienced.

 

I am just not sure how to properly ameliorate the situation and calm her fears. She feels like she took a risk and now she's occasionally wondering if she's scaring me away or if I am going to change my mind about her. She tells me that at the core she knows she's worrying over nothing, but part of her is nevertheless freaking out. She's even told me that she is not trying to pressure me, but at the same time I feel pressured.

[pandagirl]

Yes, it is her first time, although every girl I have ever been with has at some point said ILY to me and has claimed it's their first time... so I have to wonder about this. At least her reactions are somewhat consistent with someone saying it for the first time.

 

She has never had a relationship last for more than a few months, whereas I've had a couple that have been around 2 years each (I am currently 23), so I do agree that she is relatively inexperienced.

 

I am just not sure how to properly ameliorate the situation and calm her fears. She feels like she took a risk and now she's occasionally wondering if she's scaring me away or if I am going to change my mind about her. She tells me that at the core she knows she's worrying over nothing, but part of her is nevertheless freaking out. She's even told me that she is not trying to pressure me, but at the same time I feel pressured.

 

Beyond a certain point, you aren't responsible for how she feels. If she's an insecure person at the core of her being, then all the reassuring in the world isn't going to make her feel better unfortunately.

[Crazy Magnet]

When she says ILY how do you respond? I've never been in her situation since I've never said it first, but you do need to respond with some indication of your feelings towards her like an "and I'm falling in love with you" or an "I'm falling for you." She does need verbal reassurance that you are at least in the same book and/or chapter of this relationship that she is even if you aren't on the same page yet.

 

Of course she is freaked out, she put herself out there and you analyzed her and the relationship to death. That would freak even the heartiest of souls out. Less thinking with your head, let your heart take the lead for a bit and see where it gets you.

[threebyfate]

Vertex, here's a thought. Let's pretend you said ILY back to her. Let's also pretend that this relationship didn't work out in the longer term. Will the Earth suddenly cease to exist? Will the sky fall down?

[VertexSquared]

I suppose you both are right.

 

I am perhaps overthinking things -- it's difficult for me to be natural, haha. I've learned so much about myself over the past couple of months.

[threebyfate]

When you drill down into it, what is love Vertex? From the sounds of it, the two of you have the makings of something long-term so why create insecurities? Once trust is lost in a relationship, it becomes an uphill battle to regain it. If she feels there's a relationship imbalance, it WILL erode on her security and trust within it.

[VertexSquared]

I went ahead and said it.

 

And I actually didn't feel scared to say it, nor did I feel wrong in doing so. It felt honest. I may not know what will happen down the road, but I can safely say that right now, I do love her and want this to work for the long term, and that's the best I can hope for.

[Crazy Magnet]

I didn't notice the earth going in the other direction or anything so it must have gone alright. lol j/k

 

I totally agree with TBF, trust is hard to regain once it is lost and there is much more to trust than "I won't cheat on you." I'm so happy to see you still so happy!

[Choboto]

My girlfriend of two months just told me she loves me (it took her a lot of courage to tell me, and she kept on saying "she was probably going to regret saying it so soon, but..." etc.)... unfortunately it gave me a sense of fear more than it did excitement. Don't get me wrong -- we're crazy about each other and get along extremely well. Our communication is also very open and I've discussed this with her already but I want some additional opinions on the matter.

 

1. She claims she's never loved an ex before.

2. She and her own parents don't really say "I love you" much but rather show it through actions.

3. I've only loved one ex before.

4. We've been dating for two months but it DOES feel like we've been together for much longer than that.

 

My concerns:

 

1. How can she be sure that she is feeling love for me if she's never felt it before for a guy?

 

2. Perhaps I'm just jaded but I really don't want to say "I love you" unless I 100% mean it, as I feel that too many people just throw it around nowadays. I feel like two months is too soon, but at the same time, I feel so strongly for her and it feels strange that we get along almost so perfectly.

 

I guess I am just not really sure what to think.

 

love is a subjective matter and can be different for various people. how you show/feel/describe love isn't always necessarily the same as your partner etc. if she feels stronger emotions towards you than those other guys, thats how.

[threebyfate]

Nicely done, Vertex! Too many people allow fear to dominate their actions within a relationship. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet to see what happens next.

[Eeyore79]

Update + answer to Eeyore:

 

Thanks for this reply Vertex, it really clarified things.

 

I feel that I love my bf, but he says the L word scares him, so I'm avoiding saying it. I just wonder, if he can't say he loves me, what does he feel? He clearly feels something, because he tells me he's emotionally involved and is sticking around. Like you, love scares him because he's been hurt and dumped before - so maybe, like you, he does feel something but is riding it out for a while until he's sure our relationship is going to work.

 

I find his approach difficult to understand, because for me love has no expectation of permanence, it's just an expression of a feeling. I don't need to know if someone is sticking by me in order to love them, I just love them. So when my bf couldn't say he loved me, I assumed he didn't have feelings for me and I freaked out.

 

I have to admit, I do feel different about him since he couldn't say he loves me. I thought we were all loved up and happy, and I felt secure, but since he told me that the L word scares him I've been feeling very wary and cautious and insecure, and have backed off somewhat. I guess I felt rejected when he said he didn't love me back, and I'm sort of preparing myself mentally for the possibility that he might dump me because (in my mind) he indicated that he doesn't care about me. I thought I knew how he felt, because he was acting like he loved me - I thought he loved me, so it was safe for me to love him - and now he said he doesn't love me so it feels dangerous to love him. It was upsetting when he said he didn't love me - it made me doubt my own judgement and pull back a bit. Maybe your girlfriend has done the same?

 

Anyway, it was interesting to hear the viewpoint of someone who obviously approaches things the way my bf does, so thanks

Edited June 23, 2010 by Eeyore79

[VertexSquared]

Thanks for this reply Vertex, it really clarified things.

 

I feel that I love my bf, but he says the L word scares him, so I'm avoiding saying it. I just wonder, if he can't say he loves me, what does he feel? He clearly feels something, because he tells me he's emotionally involved and is sticking around. Like you, love scares him because he's been hurt and dumped before - so maybe, like you, he does feel something but is riding it out for a while until he's sure our relationship is going to work.

 

I find his approach difficult to understand, because for me love has no expectation of permanence, it's just an expression of a feeling. I don't need to know if someone is sticking by me in order to love them, I just love them. So when my bf couldn't say he loved me, I assumed he didn't have feelings for me and I freaked out.

 

I have to admit, I do feel different about him since he couldn't say he loves me. I thought we were all loved up and happy, and I felt secure, but since he told me that the L word scares him I've been feeling very wary and cautious and insecure, and have backed off somewhat. I guess I felt rejected when he said he didn't love me back, and I'm sort of preparing myself mentally for the possibility that he might dump me because (in my mind) he indicated that he doesn't care about me. I thought I knew how he felt, because he was acting like he loved me - I thought he loved me, so it was safe for me to love him - and now he said he doesn't love me so it feels dangerous to love him. It was upsetting when he said he didn't love me - it made me doubt my own judgement and pull back a bit. Maybe your girlfriend has done the same?

 

Anyway, it was interesting to hear the viewpoint of someone who obviously approaches things the way my bf does, so thanks

 

I do feel that she has pulled back a bit lately. She seems a bit more reserved/quiet, in general. I am worried I may have hurt her feelings at some point.

[Eeyore79]

She is probably feeling a little insecure and cautious because you couldn't say you loved her, much as I'm feeling about my bf at the moment. I'm sure that you'll soon regain that trust if you reassure her that you're staying with her and you care about her.

 

You initially said that you were resisting saying you love her because you wanted to be sure, i.e. you wanted to be sure that she was sticking around, and that you genuinely liked each other in good and bad times, etc. When she said she loved you, did that make you feel more secure, more sure? Or did you find it awkward?

 

I ask because my bf seems to be uncomfortable with me having strong feelings for him, and since he insists he's emotionally involved with me I'd have expected the opposite; i.e. I'd have expected him to feel reassured and happy and secure because I care about him. That's how I'd feel if he expressed feelings for me anyway. But he seems to think it's scary that I'm sure of my feelings and not worried about us, especially because he thinks I shouldn't have feelings unless he reciprocates them. I guess I'm trying to understand how his mind works, because you obviously think in the same way.

[VertexSquared]

She is probably feeling a little insecure and cautious because you couldn't say you loved her, much as I'm feeling about my bf at the moment. I'm sure that you'll soon regain that trust if you reassure her that you're staying with her and you care about her.

 

You initially said that you were resisting saying you love her because you wanted to be sure, i.e. you wanted to be sure that she was sticking around, and that you genuinely liked each other in good and bad times, etc. When she said she loved you, did that make you feel more secure, more sure? Or did you find it awkward?

 

I ask because my bf seems to be uncomfortable with me having strong feelings for him, and since he insists he's emotionally involved with me I'd have expected the opposite; i.e. I'd have expected him to feel reassured and happy and secure because I care about him. That's how I'd feel if he expressed feelings for me anyway. But he seems to think it's scary that I'm sure of my feelings and not worried about us, especially because he thinks I shouldn't have feelings unless he reciprocates them. I guess I'm trying to understand how his mind works, because you obviously think in the same way.

 

When she said it to me at first it actually made me uncomfortable. Not because I didn't feel the same way back or anything, but it's just hard to make yourself vulnerable like that. It takes time, and sometimes a few months isn't enough before you feel fully comfortable enough.

[electricity]

CLC: Terrific article. I found myself reading through that and binning my relationship and my friends' relationships into the various categories.

 

I am 23 years old but I worry that my view of love is perhaps too "traditional" or something? I guess if you've ever seen the movie "Up"... the opening scenes represent what I would describe as love. That type of connection is something built and shared, and that is what I want for myself. It scares me a bit to think that I could be feeling that way for someone after two months, granted. Apparently she feels the same for me, but somehow I have trouble saying it out loud.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with traditional. I loved that the opening scenes in "Up" didn't have any words, just actions. You could tell the love was there; I felt that was more important than having the words expressed. Similarly, I personally value more the moment I first realized that my boyfriend loved me than the first time he told me.

 

I feel the value of the words has been depreciated by misuse in the past decade or three, but I don't think that means it's impossible to feel love within two months of knowing someone. I'm going to be totally mushy here for a moment, so bear with me. I think you have to feel that love to stick around and put effort into making the relationship work. It's like a baby bird: blind, helpless and fragile. But if you keep nourishing it, someday it will mature enough to fly. /mushy.

[threebyfate]

People treat saying ILY in such a counterproductive way.

 

Say it when you feel it since the sooner that you say it, the less invested you are so if the other person isn't there and you need a balanced relationship, you can move on easier. As well, the sooner you find out that the other person is the type to use your vulnerabilities against you, the sooner you can ditch them.

 

No one dies from exposing their vulnerabilities. You WILL survive from a hit, as you've already done in the past.

[Bangle]

Why is there a strong need to tell someone you love them? I've never understood that, it's like I love my mother, but I don't feel the need to tell her.

[alphamale]

Why is there a strong need to tell someone you love them? I've never understood that, it's like I love my mother, but I don't feel the need to tell her.

because humans are emotional creatures