Krytie TV Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 1. How can she be sure that she is feeling love for me if she's never felt it before for a guy? 2. Perhaps I'm just jaded but I really don't want to say "I love you" unless I 100% mean it, as I feel that too many people just throw it around nowadays. I feel like two months is too soon, but at the same time, I feel so strongly for her and it feels strange that we get along almost so perfectly. 1. Doesn't matter. She's telling you she loves you... get over it? 2. Wait to tell her then. If she has her head on straight she'll understand. Just make sure you give her other cues that you really like her and she should be fine.
Bangle Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I don't believe you can love someone after two months. Love is a rare thing, lust is very common, she feels lust for you not love.
bac Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 me, at least, they aren't just words -- I guess I fall into the "make a big deal" category. Interesting points though about the "promise" aspect. I agree that the words wouldn't necessarily "promise" such things like marriage and babies, but at the same time I feel like by proclaiming love you are saying "If I ever did get married and have babies, I plan to do this with you." In fact, it gets even worse. I was married a guy for many yrs. I often used to tell him that I loved him and I asked him if he loved me too. Surprisingly, he totally was not able to tell me 'I love you' even we were married for a long time. He answered me that he could not say such a big word but he stated that he was at least sure that he loved his parents.
Holding-On Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 My husband told me he thought I was the person he wanted to marry after 6 weeks. Some people just know. I can relate about the "I love you". I felt that way about my marriage vows. Saying I would stand by someone for the rest of my life? Just about fainted at the altar. It was a "very big deal". But I'm glad I did. I hope you are able to enjoy your girlfriend's words and not over analyze them.
janie423 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 1. How can she be sure that she is feeling love for me if she's never felt it before for a guy? Would you feel more convinced if she said she has loved several guys? Would that convince you that her feelings were genuine? Oh yeah, that's a different thread . . .
Author VertexSquared Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Would you feel more convinced if she said she has loved several guys? Would that convince you that her feelings were genuine? Oh yeah, that's a different thread . . . I don't even know -- I just don't want someone mistaking infatuation for love. Infatuation can wane. Love, to me, is more enduring. I don't want her thinking that honeymoon period = love, because that would imply when it ends, "love" ends.
CLC2008 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I am thinking that this is exactly how she views it, too. She does not seem to be worried at all about us, and that in itself worries me, haha. I worry that her view of love is more idealistic to my more cynical/pragmatic view. I used to be "idealistic" in my views until I experienced a severe heartbreak from my first relationship with a girl I thought I loved. Pragmatic Love: The advantage of pragmatic love is practicality and realism. The disadvantage is un-demonstrativeness and lack of emotion. In its extreme form, pragma can become prostitution. http://www.appliedthought.com/gable/essays/LoveTypes.html
westrock Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I don't want her thinking that honeymoon period = love, because that would imply when it ends, "love" ends. How do you know she's thinking that? That may be your logic but it doesn't mean she has the same logic. Change your belief to "when it ends, love doesn't end but instead is replaced by a deeper love."
carhill Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Pragmatic Love: The advantage of pragmatic love is practicality and realism. The disadvantage is un-demonstrativeness and lack of emotion. In its extreme form, pragma can become prostitution. http://www.appliedthought.com/gable/essays/LoveTypes.html Great article. Thanks for that. Married one of those. When the bargain 'changed', so blew the winds of pragmatic love. Great stuff
Author VertexSquared Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Then talk to her about what 'love' means. We had such a discussion... it's such a hard term to define. How do you know she's thinking that? That may be your logic but it doesn't mean she has the same logic. Change your belief to "when it ends, love doesn't end but instead is replaced by a deeper love." I don't know that she's thinking that. I worry that she believes/feels one thing and is mistaking it for another. It's easy for some to be infatuated with someone and call that "love." However, she's told me, basically: "You'd have to try pretty hard to scare me away" -- "It's not like I'm going anywhere!" -- "I feel like I could see you at your worst and it wouldn't change how I feel about you." To me, this somewhat alleviated some of my fears.
CLC2008 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Great article. Thanks for that. Married one of those. When the bargain 'changed', so blew the winds of pragmatic love. Great stuff Welcome.
Author VertexSquared Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Pragmatic Love: The advantage of pragmatic love is practicality and realism. The disadvantage is un-demonstrativeness and lack of emotion. In its extreme form, pragma can become prostitution. http://www.appliedthought.com/gable/essays/LoveTypes.html Based on the definitions in there I am not so sure I would be a "pragmatic lover." If I have to use an analogy: I used to be someone who would jump into deep waters. Nowadays, I am not against such a jump, but I need to check things out more to ensure that the jump won't inevitably result in pain. Although... the way my girlfriend put it: She is willing to make that jump and become vulnerable, regardless.
CLC2008 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Based on the definitions in there I am not so sure I would be a "pragmatic lover." If I have to use an analogy: I used to be someone who would jump into deep waters. Nowadays, I am not against such a jump, but I need to check things out more to ensure that the jump won't inevitably result in pain. Although... the way my girlfriend put it: She is willing to make that jump and become vulnerable, regardless. No I understand. It's difficult to be vulernable, especially when people have had their heart broken in the past, it causes us to become hesitant, cynical, pragmatic, all of the above.
Crazy Magnet Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Based on the definitions in there I am not so sure I would be a "pragmatic lover." If I have to use an analogy: I used to be someone who would jump into deep waters. Nowadays, I am not against such a jump, but I need to check things out more to ensure that the jump won't inevitably result in pain. Although... the way my girlfriend put it: She is willing to make that jump and become vulnerable, regardless. If she is ready to go on and jump then let her and support her in that. Continuing to second guess how she feels is not productive for the relationship. You have to trust her and trust that she is honest with you about her feelings. You may end up causing unintentional hurt feelings if you keep asking her if she's "sure" she's not confusing love with infatuation. I personally think that both can exist at the same time. I believe infatuation can last for years (or at least it has for me) but that there can be love underneath that infatuation. I talked to my grandma about it (married 67 years to my grandpa) and she says she still can't stand to be away from him for too long etc (which is what I associate with infatuation) but clearly there is more to 67 years of marriage than pure infatuation. The two of you may never have a disagreement that makes you "see" the other side of the person. I know I had relationships where it never got to that point even after 2 years. I think it's part of compatibility. My current BF and I had some talks about his ex's and cleared everything up but I can't say we've ever had a "fight" or even an "intense disagreement". It's not our personalities.
alphamale Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 1. How can she be sure that she is feeling love for me if she's never felt it before for a guy? girls know when they are in love 2. Perhaps I'm just jaded but I really don't want to say "I love you" unless I 100% mean it, as I feel that too many people just throw it around nowadays. I feel like two months is too soon, but at the same time, I feel so strongly for her and it feels strange that we get along almost so perfectly. the force is strong with you young jedi....wait until you are ready to utter those words.
Gallaxia Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 girls know when they are in love I'm curious alphamale; How do you know that? How do you recognize knowing when a girl is in love?
alphamale Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I'm curious alphamale; How do you recognize knowing when a girl is in love? because they get all posessive and jealous and want to be with you every minute of every day. they also want to have sex a lot and cook you good food to eat
Eeyore79 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I could tell someone I loved them if I really liked spending time with them, and liked everything I knew about them. Okay, maybe I wouldn't know everything about that person... but I could know them well enough to know that they aren't going to have anything horrifically wrong with them which I couldn't deal with. Maybe the good things about them are so good that I'm pretty sure I could accept anything bad that may come along with the package. You mentioned that you both resolve issues maturely, and you're worried about what would happen if you had a bad disagreement... but if you're mature people then you won't have a bad disagreement. Mature people treat each other with respect and try not to do things that would upset the other person, and they apologise if they do. Mature people know how to handle conflict, and are not into shouting and screaming. If you've resolved all your issues calmly and respectfully up to this point, I don't see why it shouldn't be the same for bigger disagreements too... although, as I said, bigger disagreements are less likely anyway if you're both mature and calm and respectful. In my opinion, loving someone is not about knowing everything about them. It's about knowing enough about them to confidently say "I accept you, and I can deal with any negative aspects of you which I haven't yet seen". If you're both mature people, I'm sure you could talk about any negative issues which may arise anyway, and make improvements if it was something that really bothered you. Love is recognising that the good stuff is good enough for you to be prepared to work on the bad stuff... it's merely a statement that you care about that person, that you accept them and plan to stay with them.
Gallaxia Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Women NEVER say "I love you" first, they always wait for the man to say it first. So this must be a joke thread. Typically it's favorable for the relationship (overall) if the guy says it first, but it does happen. (But that's for another thread, yeah?)
Crazy Magnet Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Typically it's favorable for the relationship (overall) if the guy says it first, but it does happen. (But that's for another thread, yeah?) I've never said it first!
Author VertexSquared Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 In my experience the girl has always said it first. Anyways, we had a long talk about it this morning and I am feeling much better about it. I am no longer skeptical, and I feel a lot better about being honest with my own feelings. I told her it would take a little time for me to be comfortable saying it out loud, but she seemed totally cool with it as long as she doesn't feel as if she is freaking me out or pushing me away by saying it herself.
pureinheart Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I cannot understand why people have no problem when it comes to getting physically intimiate, but become flustered the moment emotional intimacy rears its head. I would think, after two months, you care for each other. She expressed it honestly instead of playing games. Good for her. I have always wondered this too...this is excellent ADF.... Pragmatic Love: The advantage of pragmatic love is practicality and realism. The disadvantage is un-demonstrativeness and lack of emotion. In its extreme form, pragma can become prostitution. http://www.appliedthought.com/gable/essays/LoveTypes.html Thank you CLC, this is very interesting;)
pureinheart Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 In my experience the girl has always said it first. Anyways, we had a long talk about it this morning and I am feeling much better about it. I am no longer skeptical, and I feel a lot better about being honest with my own feelings. I told her it would take a little time for me to be comfortable saying it out loud, but she seemed totally cool with it as long as she doesn't feel as if she is freaking me out or pushing me away by saying it herself. I don't think I've ever said it first...one of the "old-fashioned" kind I guess;)
Eeyore79 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Anyways, we had a long talk about it this morning and I am feeling much better about it. I am no longer skeptical, and I feel a lot better about being honest with my own feelings. I told her it would take a little time for me to be comfortable saying it out loud, but she seemed totally cool with it as long as she doesn't feel as if she is freaking me out or pushing me away by saying it herself. I'm interested to know how you actually feel about her if you can't say you love her. Do you feel those love feelings but just feel uncomfortable about committing to saying it? Do you want to wait and be more sure before you say it? Or do you genuinely not love her - and if you don't love her, what do you feel? Merely an interest in her? I'm curious because my partner and I are similar to you and your gf - I have feelings for him, and he says he likes me and is interested, but he can't commit to saying ILY. In my mind, you're either in or out - so if he doesn't love me then I assume he doesn't care about me or have feelings for me. But maybe he does have feelings for me, and he's just cautious about verbalizing them in the words ILY. He keeps saying that our relationship is a long term thing and he plans to stick with me, so to me that would imply love... I'm not sure how he can say that and still feel uncomfortable with saying ILY. Maybe you can shed some light on this?
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