nevertoolate Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 It's gone on for years. Whenever I am scheduled to see my mother, I have anxiety about it for a few days before I am to see her. Depending on how the visit goes, it can be days to weeks before I get over the mess that usually becomes of the visit. I have a big family, lots of aunts, uncles and cousins who stay close. And family togetherness is highly valued among most of them it seems. My parents are no exception. My mother has said many times she wishes my siblings and I all lived closer to her and my dad. We're all in our 20's and on our own now. I'm supposed to go home for a visit on Thursday to Saturday morning. I talked to my mom about this visit on Saturday, but I'm already regretting saying I would come home. I guess part of it is that my life has been depressing and kind of a mess lately. I don't want to have to put on a happy face for mom and dad. Mom wants us all to go out to this community event...I don't want to have to act like I'm doing fine in front of all those people. I am seriously dreading this social outing and the conversation I would have with my parents if I tried to tell them I didn't want to go. I don't know what my question is exactly on this. I wish I could turn to my parents with my troubles, but the sad fact is that any time I've tried to do that it just leads to more of a mess. I'm mostly trying to accept that they're not people I talk to about my deep feelings in life. I think I'm mostly there with the acceptance... My brother is coming in from out of town, so mom and dad especially want me home. But I don't want to spend the two days with them. My brother is a good enough guy, but we hardly talk anyway and when we do conversation is always strained. Any suggestions?
Ronni_W Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 It's difficult. You decide to either break free and "fly away from the nest" that your family-of-origin represents, or you don't. Some adults never manage to, and basically choose to stay in the role of the 'child' until one or both parents have passed on. As an adult, you are not going to be able to please one or both of your parents all the time. It is a futile endeavour to even try. They will not understand all your adult choices and decisions...but that doesn't mean that you ought not start standing up and speaking out for your own wants, needs, desires and goals. Assertively: honestly, firmly, calmly and kindly. It's a tough choice: Do you live your own life, or do you just keep trying to "keep the peace" and please your mom and/or dad? As an adult, you either abandon "the nest" or you abandon your Self. I would also say, "So what if your mom gets upset if you back out of this schedule visit?" You're no longer of an age where you have to just sit there and listen to her kvetch because you're doing things that you need to do to meet/fulfill your own needs and desires. As an adult, you are responsible for taking care of your own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health and well-being. If that means not visiting or contacting as often as your mom would like...then that is her problem, not yours. You don't have to be mean or rude about it. "Mom, I love and appreciate you but I've got to start being more of an adult, and taking responsibility for my own well-being, and not abandoning my own needs and wants. I really hope you will understand but, if not, I still need to be a mature, assertive, self-responsible person." And after you've said that twice, then you just say, "Mom, I love and appreciate you but we already went over this. I can't keep saying the same thing. Lemme call you back tomorrow or some other time, cos we're just going to get stuck." Best of luck. It's a difficult transition to make. It's about you starting to put your own authentic needs, desires and life goals ahead of your childhood family's; about changing the dynamics; changing the role that you used to play and the way that you used to interact with all of them. Hugs.
Author nevertoolate Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Ronni W: Thank you for taking the time to respond with such sound and helpful advice. I've been doing some reading lately about making changes in my life toward becoming my authentic self. Your words remind me of that reading and have shifted my perspective on the family part of my life. I don't want to escape from being part of the family per se. I might benefit from defining (or at least considering) for myself how I would like to fit into the family as an adult member rather than trying to fit in like I did as a child. Also, thanks for the hugs.
Ronni_W Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I don't want to escape from being part of the family per se. I might benefit from defining (or at least considering) for myself how I would like to fit into the family as an adult member rather than trying to fit in like I did as a child. Yes, exactly! It's critical to have a clear definition (of who you are, who you want to be, your values, your passions and motivations, your talents and skills, your short- and long-term goals, etc.), because that's the only way you'll know where you're intending/wanting to go and whether you've got the traits and tools to get there, and where your boundaries are and when others are over-stepping them. You're also right that "distance" or "escape" are not necessary at this time -- just assertiveness and self-care. Only if those do not work to help you achieve your self-defined goals...then you'll have to consider other strategies. It is a time for and process of growth and change, but it doesn't have to be all serious and difficult -- keep it fun and be light-hearted
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