distraught_MW Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 It has been over a year now that I found our that my H was with OW. I never met OW in person but she is a friend of friends of ours. My H and I have been together over 12 years, and have definitely had our share of ups and downs, lack of trust, etc. In the past, I have accused him of cheating, however, never had hard evidence that it occurred. This time it is a little different. He told me he was no longer in love with me and that I deserved better than him and so he left. Fast foward 2 and a half months and he and I are working on our relationship and things are definitely on the right track. I came upon his past phone bill, the month that he had left me and almost immediately after leaving, almost to the day I notice consistent phone calls to a certain number, I call it and it is the girl. That is partially how I found out. That and the confirmation later from him. I know that since he left, with the intention of completely separating, I do not know that I can say he was in the wrong. I do know that there are so many unanswered questions in my head though. When did it start, since there were so many opportunities since the OW was a friend of the group, how long did it last, why her, and the constant thought of them together haunts me to this day. I guess my question is, will I ever be able to have this ache in my heart go away? He and I are better now than we have ever been (he is a completely different person and treats me like I have always wanted him to), and I am extremely happy about that. I guess my concern is, will it happen again? What did I do wrong the first time to make him leave? Confused and hurt by the past, but optimistic and hopeful for the future.
CakeEatersWife Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 Sometimes I believe that there are attractions for the OW by the H because of the "can't have her" factor when they are married. Once they are free to be with OW, I believe they find her less appealing than they expected. I know for my H, a lot of it seems to be the chase. But if he actually catches, there is no fun in that. My H once made the comment how this one client he has a crush on always dressed so nicely and has her hair and make-up just so. I told him that he only sees her at her best or how she wants him to see her. I said to him, you think she rolls out of bed looking like that? I said to him, would you rather I spend time at the gym or out at the department stores shopping for beautiful clothes and shoes, or would you rather I take care of the kids and the house? I think it made him think about it for a few minutes. I'm not a slob, but I don't dress to kill, either. Yes sir, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Until you get on the other side and took a good, close up look.
Author distraught_MW Posted June 14, 2010 Author Posted June 14, 2010 I know what you mean by the grass being greener on the other side, unfortunately I do not see how it was. The only thing I could think of was that she was the complete opposite of me and that is what drew him to her. Because she and I are like night and day as far as looks go.
Corporate Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 I know what you mean by the grass being greener on the other side, unfortunately I do not see how it was. The only thing I could think of was that she was the complete opposite of me and that is what drew him to her. Because she and I are like night and day as far as looks go. I think he cheated on her with you. Then, he chose her and left you. He later learned that she is not what he thought she was and came back to you. Is he being completely honest with you about all the facts and timeline of his affair(s)? Is he completely remorseful? Why and how did you take him back....just like that? If you stay with him, you would have to wait for the other shoe to drop. She can rekindle the affair with him or another woman can come along down the road and he will be telling you how he is not in love with you and then leave. Why did you take him back so easily/
Author distraught_MW Posted June 14, 2010 Author Posted June 14, 2010 He did seem genuinely remorseful, but at the same time I am hoping I am just not reading into what I would hope would be remorse. If that makes sense. In the past he would seem unhappy around me, he would have a short fuse, not anger issues, but quick to snap back, and he wouldn't show any emotion around his friends. Now he is very open with his affection, he tells me constantly how he loves me, and from day one of me knowing about the situation he has told me how it was a huge mistake. He told me that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I want so badly to believe every word that he says, but can't help but think sometimes he is saying the things he knows I want him to say.
Corporate Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 Is he being completely honest with you about all the facts and timeline of his affair(s)? How about an answer to the above question?
MizFit Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 He did seem genuinely remorseful, but at the same time I am hoping I am just not reading into what I would hope would be remorse. If that makes sense. In the past he would seem unhappy around me, he would have a short fuse, not anger issues, but quick to snap back, and he wouldn't show any emotion around his friends. Now he is very open with his affection, he tells me constantly how he loves me, and from day one of me knowing about the situation he has told me how it was a huge mistake. He told me that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I want so badly to believe every word that he says, but can't help but think sometimes he is saying the things he knows I want him to say. Most OW have spoken that line to themselves over and over and over again. I'm probably not going to make you feel any better, but I'm going to be honest. I've been through 3 Ddays with my MM and we're still seeing each other. I have an idea what he said to her in 2 of the confrontations because she and I spoke. My point in saying that is...be careful. Now the crux of it...my assumption is that you're on this forum posting because your gut is speaking to you. Trust it. If it is telling you something is wrong it probably is...if it isn't, then you need to go with it. I watch these posts...WS and BS that are trying to reconcile...I couldn't do it. I couldn't stand the wondering. But...I have so much respect for people who can. I hope that since you've started down that path you can be one of the people who can. Just listen to your gut...your gut has got your back...
Author distraught_MW Posted June 14, 2010 Author Posted June 14, 2010 I am sorry Corporate...I myself do not know the timeline. When other people were involved in the matter they all had different things to say about the situation. When I asked H about the timeline that they told me he said that they were not sleeping together then. If anything I believe it may have been 4 months before he actually left me, because he tried to leave earlier but something came up in our lives that kept him with me and after that blew over he finally left.
Corporate Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 I am sorry Corporate...I myself do not know the timeline. When other people were involved in the matter they all had different things to say about the situation. When I asked H about the timeline that they told me he said that they were not sleeping together then. If anything I believe it may have been 4 months before he actually left me, because he tried to leave earlier but something came up in our lives that kept him with me and after that blew over he finally left. So, basically, you took him back knowing that he lied and continue to lie and make a fool out of you? It was easy for him to come back. He will forget about it all and do it again in six months or two years down the road when the opportunity comes along because, he knows that he didn't do much to get you back and he could just do a little more after the next cheating to get you back.
Author distraught_MW Posted June 14, 2010 Author Posted June 14, 2010 So, basically, you took him back knowing that he lied and continue to lie and make a fool out of you? It was easy for him to come back. He will forget about it all and do it again in six months or two years down the road when the opportunity comes along because, he knows that he didn't do much to get you back and he could just do a little more after the next cheating to get you back. You are correct. I don't know if you consider it dumb, naive or what, but I am all of these things when it comes to him. The love I have for him is unexplainable. We have had a great 12 years, not all of the 12 years, but a majority. We have pulled through major obstacles in life. You are completely right though, I may have opened the door for him to feel he can do this again to me, and that is something that I will have to handle if it comes to that. I looked back on myself after having found out about the A and found many things that I could change about myself as a wife to better our relationship as well. So far its been paying off. Whether it keeps him I guess only time will tell, right?
seren Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 It has been over a year now that I found our that my H was with OW. I never met OW in person but she is a friend of friends of ours. My H and I have been together over 12 years, and have definitely had our share of ups and downs, lack of trust, etc. In the past, I have accused him of cheating, however, never had hard evidence that it occurred. This time it is a little different. He told me he was no longer in love with me and that I deserved better than him and so he left. Fast foward 2 and a half months and he and I are working on our relationship and things are definitely on the right track. I came upon his past phone bill, the month that he had left me and almost immediately after leaving, almost to the day I notice consistent phone calls to a certain number, I call it and it is the girl. That is partially how I found out. That and the confirmation later from him. I know that since he left, with the intention of completely separating, I do not know that I can say he was in the wrong. I do know that there are so many unanswered questions in my head though. When did it start, since there were so many opportunities since the OW was a friend of the group, how long did it last, why her, and the constant thought of them together haunts me to this day. The unanswered questions never go away, H has told me his perception of it all, I have my own view and have accepted that the truth is probably somewhere in between. I no longer obsess about the what and where's, just the here and now. The why her is never answerable truthfully IMO, my H says she could have been anyone, which hurts me far more than if she had actually meant something, but I asked for truth and I got it, and it hurts. It was what it was. I guess my question is, will I ever be able to have this ache in my heart go away? I am nearly 3 years on from D Day, the ache in your heart never goes away, but it doesn't remain as raw. There go months without me thinking about the A. I now judge my relationship with my H on how it is today, this minute, does it make me happy. He and I are better now than we have ever been (he is a completely different person and treats me like I have always wanted him to), and I am extremely happy about that. I guess my concern is, will it happen again? What did I do wrong the first time to make him leave? No one, not even the very worse person there is makes someone have an A, the WS chooses to have an A. Sure your M may have had problems, what long term M doesn't, but whereas those of us who don't have A's as an escape from M problems, some people do. Our H's among them. As to whether it will happen again. Well I am one of the it would never happen to me people (about the A) and it did, so I now never say never, but I sure don't look for phone records and all that, if it is going to happen, then it will. H knows if it did, he is out the door, no second chances. You could drive yourself mad by trying to preempt his actions. Not all people who have A's go on to have others. My M is better, not because of, but despite the A, it was a wake up call to us both and we have a fantastic relationship and have been together 26 years. You get to the point when it becomes about you and he, the OP has no part in your reconciliation and they become inconsequential. Confused and hurt by the past, but optimistic and hopeful for the future.
tiffyb Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 It has been over a year now that I found our that my H was with OW. I never met OW in person but she is a friend of friends of ours. My H and I have been together over 12 years, and have definitely had our share of ups and downs, lack of trust, etc. In the past, I have accused him of cheating, however, never had hard evidence that it occurred. This time it is a little different. He told me he was no longer in love with me and that I deserved better than him and so he left. Fast foward 2 and a half months and he and I are working on our relationship and things are definitely on the right track. I came upon his past phone bill, the month that he had left me and almost immediately after leaving, almost to the day I notice consistent phone calls to a certain number, I call it and it is the girl. That is partially how I found out. That and the confirmation later from him. I know that since he left, with the intention of completely separating, I do not know that I can say he was in the wrong. I do know that there are so many unanswered questions in my head though. When did it start, since there were so many opportunities since the OW was a friend of the group, how long did it last, why her, and the constant thought of them together haunts me to this day. I guess my question is, will I ever be able to have this ache in my heart go away? He and I are better now than we have ever been (he is a completely different person and treats me like I have always wanted him to), and I am extremely happy about that. I guess my concern is, will it happen again? What did I do wrong the first time to make him leave? Confused and hurt by the past, but optimistic and hopeful for the future. ur situation is identical to mine. 12 yrs married..he left for another girl for 2 months. (they had a 14 month affair.) come bak home. ben bak for 8 months. still hurts so bad. let me know win u find the answer. for me its getting worse
stillafool Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 What did I do wrong the first time to make him leave? Did you ask your H this question?
LifesontheUp Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Sounds to me like your husbands affair has been more or less brushed under the carpet without it being dealt with head on - apologies if that isn't correct but its what I get from your posts. Have you both ever sat down and gone through why he had an affair? Does he acknowledge the damage he has done? He needs to be fully open and honest with you and himself IMHO before you can really start to heal your marriage.
Author distraught_MW Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Seren - I completely understand that I have to just go day to day. I just catch myself constantly wondering what I could have done differently so that I don't make the same mistake again, or if he truly means I had nothing to do with it, then I hope that he has faith in our marriage to stay with JUST me. Trust me its been almost a year and a half and the pain is still pretty strong, not as bad as when I first found out, but there are many things that will trigger my emotions.
Author distraught_MW Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Did you ask your H this question? I did, he said that it wasn't me. We were having financial troubles that definitely put strain on our relationship, and I guess I put on a little weight so I am thinking that could have been part of the issue as well, although he didn't say that. Prior to leaving me, he told me that he honestly believed that I deserved better than him. He has said that on quite a few occassions in the past. He says that he didn't understand what I saw in him. He said that any man would love to have me as a wife and he couldn't understand why he didn't feel he could accept that love. When he came back and asked me for forgiveness, he told me that he was wrong. He said that he thought that he didn't deserve me, that maybe there was a better fit for him. He tells me now that he will spend the rest of his life trying to fix the pain that he has caused me. He tells me I have his heart now and forever. It seems a bit over the top, but exactly what I wanted to hear. Its hard not to accept him back although it may be words, they touched me. This is where I become naive I suppose.
porkinsjehosaphat Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Seren - I completely understand that I have to just go day to day. I just catch myself constantly wondering what I could have done differently so that I don't make the same mistake again, or if he truly means I had nothing to do with it, then I hope that he has faith in our marriage to stay with JUST me. Trust me its been almost a year and a half and the pain is still pretty strong, not as bad as when I first found out, but there are many things that will trigger my emotions. The only thing you can really do to try to prevent getting involved with a toxic person is to do the best you can to try to see whether they behave with integrity in various other aspects of their lives, and with other people. Hopefully if they do, this will carry over to their relationship with you, but there are never any real guarantees. "Integrity" is an intangible personality characteristic. It's also somewhat subjective and can change over time and based on different circumstances. You have to have good enough judgment to be able to judge someone else's judgment, that's a doubly-tough problem as well. I can say I want some one who is 6 feet tall and has blue eyes, and is no older than whatever age, those are all objective characteristics. These are the types of things that people look for on dating sites and that generally provide the initial attraction when meeting someone else in real life. But these characteristics tell us nothing about the inner person.
Author distraught_MW Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Sounds to me like your husbands affair has been more or less brushed under the carpet without it being dealt with head on - apologies if that isn't correct but its what I get from your posts. Have you both ever sat down and gone through why he had an affair? Does he acknowledge the damage he has done? He needs to be fully open and honest with you and himself IMHO before you can really start to heal your marriage. This past year has been a whirlwind of emotions. There were so many issues involved in the matter besides the A. Since the OW is friends of our group I found myself questioning my friends as well because they all knew what was going on. So not only did I find out about the A, I secluded myself from the people I thought were friends. With all that being said, there was much discussion about the A. He definitely acknowledges the damage he has done. As far as the dates of the A I didn't really straight out ask. I figured it happened, did the length of time matter? I took him back so can I dwell on it? What do you think?
Corporate Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 With all that being said, there was much discussion about the A. He definitely acknowledges the damage he has done. As far as the dates of the A I didn't really straight out ask. I figured it happened, did the length of time matter? I took him back so can I dwell on it? What do you think? Ofcourse it matters. It's part of YOUR history. If his behavior changes again, like to during the time when he was cheating, then you'll know. Where is this OW now? Is she in any contact with your H? Has he changed phone numbers, emails, etc. to avoid temptation to have one more time at a local motel?
Author distraught_MW Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Ofcourse it matters. It's part of YOUR history. If his behavior changes again, like to during the time when he was cheating, then you'll know. Where is this OW now? Is she in any contact with your H? Has he changed phone numbers, emails, etc. to avoid temptation to have one more time at a local motel? He has the same number, and she lives in the same place, and talks to the old group of friends that we had. That is hurtful part. I know I walked away from my "friends", but felt like I had no support system with them. They embraced the OW as though she was the victim. It was hurtful to say the least. I cannot question her as a person aside from the A as I didn't know her, but I would have thought after as many years of friendship I had with my friends, that they would have sided with me and what I was going through. As far as avoiding temptation, I am sure he has her number and at anytime could call her, but I have to trust that he will not. He has not shown any signs that would lead me to believe that he is cheating again or even speaking to her, but shy from being a crazed W and looking through phone bills and becoming a detective, I have to trust him.
Corporate Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 He has the same number, and she lives in the same place, and talks to the old group of friends that we had. That is hurtful part. I know I walked away from my "friends", but felt like I had no support system with them. They embraced the OW as though she was the victim. It was hurtful to say the least. I cannot question her as a person aside from the A as I didn't know her, but I would have thought after as many years of friendship I had with my friends, that they would have sided with me and what I was going through. As far as avoiding temptation, I am sure he has her number and at anytime could call her, but I have to trust that he will not. He has not shown any signs that would lead me to believe that he is cheating again or even speaking to her, but shy from being a crazed W and looking through phone bills and becoming a detective, I have to trust him. They were never real friends to begin with. Get some new friends or just be without. It's better to have NO friends than fake ones. Why does he still have her number? It better not be stored in his cell or written on some black book. And, he better not be in touch with those fake friends who supported the affair/her. If he is, YOU need to make him stop communicating with those fake people.
Author distraught_MW Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 They were never real friends to begin with. Get some new friends or just be without. It's better to have NO friends than fake ones. My sentiments exactly. I feel that is definitely a positive step we took in the right direction. There were no questions asked when I told him that I could no longer be around those people. Why does he still have her number? It better not be stored in his cell or written on some black book. And, he better not be in touch with those fake friends who supported the affair/her. If he is, YOU need to make him stop communicating with those fake people. I know it is no longer in his phone because he told me I can look at it whenever, I just assume that he either remembers it or could get it easily. As far as being in touch with the friends, unfortunately he works with one of them, and he is actually how this girl got brought into our group of friends. I don't really know how to handle that, as my H needs this job. Any suggestions?
Author distraught_MW Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Is there a timeframe as to when you should no longer bring up the past? I feel myself still asking my H certain things about the past and I know that is backtracking which I don't want to do. I tell him that it is helping me get to a point where I can survive the pain that he caused and that it is going to help us move in the right direction, however, I can't help but think it could be detrimental to our relationship if I continue to do so. This forum is really great with helping me sort through all of this. I greatly appreciate all of your posts!
Corporate Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Is there a timeframe as to when you should no longer bring up the past? I feel myself still asking my H certain things about the past and I know that is backtracking which I don't want to do. I tell him that it is helping me get to a point where I can survive the pain that he caused and that it is going to help us move in the right direction, however, I can't help but think it could be detrimental to our relationship if I continue to do so. This forum is really great with helping me sort through all of this. I greatly appreciate all of your posts! Anything within 5 years is okay. You're the victim/injured on here and it was caused by him. He should have no complaint when you need this info to heal. Remember, it's your history too, and you need to know it.
Woman In Blue Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I looked back on myself after having found out about the A and found many things that I could change about myself as a wife to better our relationship as well. So far its been paying off. Whether it keeps him I guess only time will tell, right? Improvement is always a good thing, don't get me wrong. But when you're blaming YOURSELF for your husband's sleazy actions, then jumping through hoops like a trained circus seal to reinvent yourself in order to "keep" him, then that self improvement is coming at a great price to YOU. Eventually, you're going to get real sick and tired of always trying to be the perfect wife to please HIM, and you'll come to resent him. After all, he's the SOLE reason you're on this "how can I be a better wife" program, right? I will give him 2 points for creativity for his lame excuse as to why he had the affair. You're "too good for him and he doesn't deserve you, so he went out looking for a better fit." Give me a break. What I DON'T understand is this - if he thinks you're "too good for him and he doesn't deserve you," then why are YOU running around, trying to improve yourself into a Stepford Wife? Wouldn't it stand to reason that HE should be trying to better HIMSELF into a man who does "deserve" you? Maybe that's why a year and a half later your emotions are still getting the better of you - because you don't really believe that cock and bull story he gave you for having the affair, but you're pretending you do in order to be the "perfect" wife for him.
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