Scrybe Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 A man's low sex drive with a woman can have everything or nothing to do with his looking at porn. Porn offers an easily controlled sexual gratification without any emotional or physical work. Quick and easy fantasy. I've experienced (albeit rarely) periods of low sex drive and sometimes I would enjoy it and sometimes it never crossed my mind to look at it. A low sex drive in general can by physiological, psychological or merely emotional. He can have a low sex drive with his wife but be virile and active with another woman. If his drive is so low, why would he look at porn at all? I don't get it. Even if he is not masturbating while looking at it, he may be thinking about it later in the shower....that may be when he gets his gets his release. Still, there is a reason he is looking at it, and the reason is sexual interest!
xxoo Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 A low sex drive in general can by physiological, psychological or merely emotional. He can have a low sex drive with his wife but be virile and active with another woman. I think we agree, Scrybe. But I call BS on "low sex drive" being the reason he isn't having much sex with his wife, if he is using porn. It tells me he does have more sex drive than he shares with his wife, but meets it with porn. Why he does that is another question altogether....
asrgal Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 He probably just doesn't get enough sleep. I had the same problem, only see my bf on weekends, and as soon he came in he was tired and just slept. He was fine in the mornings, but forget about the evenings. I started to think that it is me and that he only has sex with me in the am cause I complaint. He made an effort a couple times, but OMG had a hard time getting arroused. Well, he had a few days off and got to sleep the first two days, all was back to normal. In our case it must be his high stressfull job, lots of hours of work, and no time to catch up on sleep. I learned to be patient, and enjoy the days when he is caught up on sleep ;-) It won't be forever like this. Good Luck!
carhill Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 OP, my sympathies. Do you know anything of his relationship history? Has he been married? Did you discuss your histories (you related being a BS) in counseling? Does he appear, by word and action, to be emotionally invested in your R? Absent his apparent indifference to your sexual needs, is he otherwise a loving and attentive boyfriend? How would you define that answer? As perhaps one of the few men on LS whose wife would've shared your complaint, I can offer that, even to the end, I still saw stbx as an attractive lady and did enjoy lovemaking with her. It was the abject abandonment I felt in the rest of the marriage which led me to feel I was giving myself to a stranger, someone I didn't really know or connect with, and that is abhorrent to me. I'm probably wired differently from your BF, but wanted to throw that dynamic out there for consideration. I hope things work out for you. Do *not* consider marriage as things currently are. Divorce sucks....
Author flying Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 Hi everyone - thanks so much for your comments. It helps just to talk about it, I guess. I don't really have much of an update yet...we have talked a little bit about this but nothing significant has changed. I guess I'll see what happens over this weekend. asrgal, the sleep thing is definitely an issue for him...but unfortunately what tends to happen is he'll spend much of the weekend catching up on sleep, and nothing else. Maybe if the weekends were longer... Carhill, thanks for your reply. Let's see...in general I would say yes, he tends to be emotionally invested in our relationship. I say "in general" because commitment issues (on his part) have been a source of contention at times. He's never been married, is in his mid-40s, and his longest relationship was about 4-5 years. We've been together for four. And although he says he wants to build a future with me, I worry that there is still some ambivalence about being in a long-term relationship on his part. For example, when I've brought up the sex issues in the past to him, he'll say, well, that's how it's always been in relationships with me, the sexual excitement always decreases by now, so that's just how it is. My problem with that, which I've brought up to him and I guess he understands at least intellectually, is that that feels like giving up and saying it's not going to get better, so deal with it. That's not OK with me, obviously!! We are affectionate in other ways, because that's what I bring to the table...I'm much more physically demonstrative naturally than he is, and in fact he says that's one of the things he loves about me - that he feels comfortable being affectionate with me physically in a way he hasn't with previous partners. But that doesn't translate into sexual desire, I guess.. The other thing that I've wondered about is whether it just boils down to a kind of Madonna-whore complex: Early in our relationship, before we were more emotionally close, sex was great and passionate; now we're closer emotionally and he wants to have kids with me, but he doesn't "desire" me anymore. I mean, I get that in long-term relationships, sex can get stale and it's less about discovering a new person. But I just feel like you have to choose to invest in keeping it fresh...and reading around on here there appear to be plenty of men who still want to have sex with their long-term partners. I was reading something in my doctor's office today about low testosterone in men over 40. I might ask him to get tested...but then when I think about the porn thing, I get all confused about what's really wrong. Ugh, I guess I'm just CONFUSED. Sorry, I feel like I'm all over the place here!
AVR1962 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Flying.....I'm also a woman in a sexless relationship due to my husband's lack of initiation. We have been together 21 years and I can tell you it never gets better. Last time we had sex was 6 months ago. We started speakng about this in counseling and counselor felt that maybe husband had been sexually abused and wanted to explore that more with him one-on-one and husband never went back. Husband did have a porn addiction, would stay up late at night on the computer (counselor said this was "safe" for him) since initiating "could" mean rejection and he said he got plenty of rejection in his first marriage and didn't want to go there anymore. We're not alone though....I've known a couple other friends who have dealt with the same sort of issue.
LivingInMomsBasement Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Flying...you should read my post of "what is wrong with him". Ugh...I know how you feel and I am at my wits end. Hopefully we both figure out if we can get what we need from these men....and if not have the courage to end it. I feel like a fat and unattractive woman....while I am not skinny....I am not a pig.... ugh.... It really does destroy my psyche. Good luck and if you find a magic cure, let me know!
Major Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 (edited) I guess I will add my 2 cents...I am divorced now, but part of that was because of the sex drives being different and then sexless after 10 years. Now mind you, I can't say when we started we had a great sex life. When we were dating, I wasn't exactly swinging from the chandelier, however, I married him based on our similar values, work ethics, and temperaments. It lasted 15 years. Now, depression, lack of confidence, mild illiteracy and social interaction were among a few of his hang ups. Of course, I didn't know all of these things, or didn't want to know all of these things. As an attractive woman, I hear ya. It is difficult to have guys ask you out every other day to lunch or dinner, and you have to flash the ring with a smile, or if they would ask my name, I would politely say, "Mrs.....". Then they would nod their head with the "oh" thing. Then I would go home, to a beautiful, well decorated home we bought. My career was on the upswing, and I would sit on my leather couch with lingerie on and sip on a glass of wine and read a book, while he absent mindedly stared at the tv in the other room (I don't even think he was watching it half the time.) I talked to him about it and he would oblige (no problem with getting it up or anything-excuse my expression), but who wants to ask for it all the time when guys are trying to pursue you everyday? I am a faithful, monogomous woman. I control my desires, my desires don't control me. Therefore, I just worked and became very, effective in my career and recieved many promotions. However, I realized I was married and lonely. We went 9 months at one time without sex. I had to make a choice. I never disrespected myself or him before, so I definitely wasn't going to start. I divorced him. There was just too many dysfunctions and he wasn't willing to go to counseling for us to recieve help. You can't do it alone. More than likely, being the nice person he still is, if we could have continued counseling, we would probably still be married. I dealt with it for 15 years, with counseling and an effort to preserve the years and maybe try to build something better, maybe we could have stuck it out. However, that wasn't the plan. Actually, my spiritual choice, even now, 3 years after the divorce is to remain celibate, however, at least that is my true status. I am so much happier now with my choice and we get along as friends still. I just couldn't continue to lie to myself. I was happy with my life, but very, unfulfilled in my marriage. It wasn't just about sex although I am a very, sexual woman, it's the confidence and your actual physical and mental health that a fulfilling, sexual marriage gives you. The social interaction, the human touch is important to mental health, even if it's just a hug. Each person feeling desirable (I know I am attractive, however, I wanted my husband to be attracted to me, not other men per se. Therefore, all those advances for lunch/dinner meant nothing because my husband at the time was the center of my attention.) The core of a woman, no matter whether she is fat/skinny, long hair/short hair needs the confirmation from her mate that she is beautiful (that's how our dad's made us feel), it's as natural as breathing to women. It's the same as respecting a man and showing him how much you believe in him. If a man doesn't have that, he may as well be dead. He has to have that respect from his mate to confirm that he is a man, no matter what his occupation. Edited June 22, 2010 by Major
Major Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 (edited) Sweet pea,(Livinginmom'sbasement) if you want to lose weight for yourself...do it. However, please know that it's much deeper. Most men, if they are attracted to someone else other than their spouse (research I have done), most of the time, their wives are better looking, smarter, and a far cry above the person they cheat with. Why? Because most of the time, the person they have an affair with meet their needs in other ways. Sex isn't the primary choice as people always think. Sometimes it's confidence, or someone to make them feel desirable, or someone who gives them a joyful rush they used to have in their marriage or before they were married. Yes, sometimes when women gain weight, it may be a turn off for men because they are visual creatures, however, that's rarely the reason men cheat. It's usually more to it than meets the eye. Literally! A lot of men will just use that as an excuse to be mean, however, the problems usually start way before a spouse has a weight gain. That's why men/women need to understand the importance of falling in love with a person spiritually first. Anything can cause the physical attributes to change. Not just having children or gaining weight. Maybe an illness or an accident. When people make marriage decisions based on physical, chemistry alone, it's a bomb waiting to explode. Whether it's 2 years down the road, or 20 years down the road. Be well and I know you are a pretty, woman. We all have beauty to offer in different ways:) Edited June 22, 2010 by Major
Major Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Flying.....I'm also a woman in a sexless relationship due to my husband's lack of initiation. We have been together 21 years and I can tell you it never gets better. Last time we had sex was 6 months ago. We started speakng about this in counseling and counselor felt that maybe husband had been sexually abused and wanted to explore that more with him one-on-one and husband never went back. Husband did have a porn addiction, would stay up late at night on the computer (counselor said this was "safe" for him) since initiating "could" mean rejection and he said he got plenty of rejection in his first marriage and didn't want to go there anymore. We're not alone though....I've known a couple other friends who have dealt with the same sort of issue. Yeah, most research says that porn makes men more insensitive to actual intimacy. It's a great, way for them to avoid intimacy, yet satisfy their needs. It would be great if the counselor can get him to avoid a self-fulfilling prophecy. It seems he has healing to do from his first marriage, however, unfortunately for you, he didn't do the work of counseling prior to marrying you. People don't understand how selfish that can be. Not maliciously, nonetheless, selfish, because you have needs. Through sickness/health is the way, however, each person has to make a concerted effort to make it healthy. That's the vow. I pray that all works out well for you and him. God bless.
Justice44 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Hi everyone. I've been reading the sexless marriage threads on here for a while now and I'm hoping someone can offer me some insight. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 4 years. We've lived together for about a year and a half. I'm late 30s; he's mid-40s. Basically, we hardly ever have sex. It's not me; it's him. He doesn't seem to want to. I have not fully read the details of your situation, but based on your title I can tell you that I have met plenty of men who do not want sex as much as their partner. It's funny, I fit the male stereotype and I get annoyed when society expects ALL men to want sex more than women.
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