sexless relationship...and i'm the woman

[flying]

Hi everyone. I've been reading the sexless marriage threads on here for a while now and I'm hoping someone can offer me some insight. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 4 years. We've lived together for about a year and a half. I'm late 30s; he's mid-40s.

 

Basically, we hardly ever have sex. It's not me; it's him. He doesn't seem to want to. We actually started out with a really good sex life - strong attraction on both sides. But since around the time I've moved in, it's tapered off. He says the main reason is just that I guess he's "used to" me. He said he was "used to my looks." (I THINK he was just being clueless when he said this; he doesn't intend to be hurtful. But still...ouch.) I think what I find most painful about all of this is that he doesn't seem to think there's a problem. He's very matter-of-fact about it...which suggests to me that he doesn't plan to make it any better. He knows it's hurtful to me and that I want more. I've tried, over the last couple of years or so: talking it out, discussing it in therapy with him, asking what I can do differently, crying, discussing whether his porn use is a roadblock, trying to just "let things happen", and anything else I can think of. I bought lingerie; his reaction was "eh." Bottom line, there doesn't seem to be much I can do.

 

I know I should be more specific...I'd say we have sex maybe 1x/month on average...but it's steadily decreasing. Right now it's been about six weeks or so, I think. I'm trying not to keep count (it's too stressful), but it so happens we've been traveling several weekends in a row over the last month or so, so I have a pretty good idea.

 

Anyway. What's my question? I don't know. He's not cheating - at least, not physically. I can account for his movements and so forth. Emotionally or online, I guess I don't know. But I've been BS to a cheating exH, so believe me when I say I'm not naive about this. I know what it feels/looks like when someone's pulling away for another person. This is just more...blah. He's not excited about someone else. Lately we've been discussing marriage and kids - driven in part by him. Apparently he wants these things (I do too)...but I do NOT want to end up in a totally sexless marriage!!!

 

So I guess I'm looking for thoughtful advice. I am a bit at my wits' end with this...have NEVER experienced this before in a relationship (including the cheating exH). It's really damaging my self-esteem; I hate looking at myself in the mirror, hate getting undressed in front of him now. We do cuddle and are physically affectionate in other ways, by the way - just very little sex.

 

Ugh. Help, anyone? Maybe I just want to hear some commiseration...

[Corporate]

We do cuddle and are physically affectionate in other ways, by the way - just very little sex.

 

Ugh. Help, anyone? Maybe I just want to hear some commiseration...

 

Maybe he has problem with his equipment due to age/physical problems. Would you leave him for that?

[flying]

No, if that were the case I wouldn't leave him. But I really don't think that's it...he has made it clear it's his desire for me that has waned. He loves me, but isn't passionate about me. When we do have sex, there's nothing wrong with the equipment.

[Married_and_Lonely]

Definitely don't add a marriage and kid to the problem. Most couples experience a dip in sex after both of those events, so don't think that either of those are a fix for your situation.

[flying]

No, I wouldn't consider those a fix; that's why I guess I was saying I don't want a sexless marriage. I wouldn't want to marry him as-is; I'd want to know first it isn't always going to be this way. I'm just mystified about what's going on. Could it just be age? But he still looks at plenty of porn (yes, the dreaded porn).

 

So I guess I'm feeling like it's me. Which is heartbreaking.

 

No, I wouldn't marry someone under those circumstances. I'm just trying to decide if those ARE the circumstances. In other words...should I end this relationship because it'll never improve??

[Married_and_Lonely]

you mention that you both went to therapy.. what did you learn from therapy? Did things improve from this for a while?

 

Also, there are some medical conditions / perscription drugs that have adverse side effects to male sex drive... can you rule this out as a cause?

 

I wish I could help more because I empathize with you and know how frustrating a sexless relationship is, but I'm not really in a place to be able to offer much advice. There are others here that are good at helping though, so welcome to the board.

[Lecturer]

Tell him flat out that the current level is not acceptable - that you need him to at least make an effort and that would be sufficient for you. Tell him -as things stand - you can't move forward with marriage, or whatever, without ensuring this need of yours is satisfied. You say he is very matter-of-fact, so he should accept when you tell him this. I know its crude and to the point, but I think being able to talk bluntly and openly like this s a good test of whether or not a relationship can stand up to marriage.

 

Do NOT get married until this is resolved. Life is too short to waste it living unhappily.

[flying]

Thanks all for your comments - I really appreciate it. Lecturer, I'll give that a try: laying it out flat and matter of fact. I think I've hesitated to approach it that way because I didn't want it to sound like an ultimatum...but rereading what I've written here, I guess it kind of is one.

 

I'll let you know what he says...

 

Oh - M_and_L, we've been in therapy for other issues we have had in the relationship - things to do with communication and dealing with conflict. We've actually made a lot of progress on those issues. The sex thing, though...not so much. It has come up but hasn't really been the focus of our discussions so far. Maybe it should be.

[xxoo]

I'm just mystified about what's going on. Could it just be age? But he still looks at plenty of porn (yes, the dreaded porn).

 

So I guess I'm feeling like it's me. Which is heartbreaking.

 

I suspect it is the porn.

 

I'd have a talk, mentioning my concerns about the porn being preferred to me, and ask if he'd be willing to give up porn for a month or two. Don't force, just ask. His response may tell you a lot.

[JamesM]

I am one of the guys who live(d) in a sexless marriage (as in once or less than once a month). Currently, the problem seems to be solved or at the least...much better.

 

I do understand the anger and frustration, but as a woman, I think you have additional frustrations as "aren't all men supposed to want sex?"

 

My guess is that his use of porn has eliminated his interest in real life sex. Watching porn with the beautiful women and not having to work at pleasing a woman is much easier than trying to have sex with the woman you love. Physically, he IS used to you. He no longer gets that spark because there is no newness and that is what triggered his interest before. Now he looks at these porn stars who can appear perfect and have such an appetite for every kind of position and simply want to please a man. No real woman can compete with porn if a man looks at porn as the standard for all women.

 

And another aspect of porn is....every time he watches porn he can "dial up" a different woman. Perhaps tonight he is in the mood for Jenna Jameson (or whomever is the latest star) and tomorrow it could be a fresh 18 year old. One day can bring a brunette and the next can be a blonde. And on top of that he can choose whatever size he has a hunger for. Oh, and let's not forget the woman/woman porn.

 

The point of listing all that is simply this...no woman can compete with porn if the man has an addiction to his porn. No matter how much weight you lose. No matter how sexy you appear. No matter what you try to excite him with. Unless he enjoys real life sex more than his porn, porn will win.

 

Now the question is...how much is he looking at porn? If he is masturbating to it frequently, then I doubt he has any "energy" left for you.

[TaraMaiden]

I think that there was a thread that culminated in a summary of what your options are, in a relationship.

It came down to three options, I believe -

 

One - have sex with someone else with your partner's knowledge and consent, because s/he cannot expect to be able to not have sex, but assume that this is also ok with you. So clarify your needs, wants and expectations, and stipulate that if your partner is unable to satisfy you, then you both agree that an extra-relationship fling now and then is acceptable, following mutually agreed conditions and guidelines.

 

Two -separate from your partner, and pursue a relationship with someone far more in line, and compatible with your sexual appetite.

 

Three - suck it up, get used to it, accept it and live with it, drawing comfort, pleasure and happiness from other sources in your relationship.

 

I believe - in a highly-condensed nutshell, that those are probably your only options.

[flying]

Regarding the porn...I don't actually know how often he uses it. He has insomnia (has had it for decades) - the kind where you wake up in the middle of the night for several hours. The sleep issue has also loomed large - he says he's often exhausted, which is certainly true at times. At others, I'm not so sure that's the problem.

 

Anyway, in the dead of night is when he looks at it. I know because one evening I padded out to the living room to check on him and his insomnia and...well, hello. He says he doesn't actually masturbate, that he wants to save it for me...but given the fact that we don't really have sex much, I have a hard time buying that he never masturbates to it! But I will say that the few times I happened to have walked in, he was just watching. So I don't know how often that happens.

 

I do kind of think that's weird. I've looked at porn, too, from time to time (hey, I need a release these days) but generally it was with the goal of getting off. I think it's a bit strange to look at porn but not choose to get off...but then also not pursue sex with your S.O.

 

So. Confused.

 

Still, James...what you've said is kind of what I most fear. That basically, he's thoroughly inured to my appeal because he has a ready supply of everyone at his fingertips...I guess literally.

[flying]

Oh...and you're totally right, James, in that I DO feel the added pressure of..."don't all men want sex?" which leads to "so it must just be me, the hideous hag".

 

It's very strange to read all the threads on here from frustrated men...don't I wish I had one of those.

 

I just feel like I'm being friendzoned. Except that he says he loves cuddling with me. But it's hardly ever sexual.

 

Sigh.

[Scrivdog]

Lack of sleep + low sex frive sounds like it's possibly a combination of low testosterone and/or hypothyroidism. Bottom line, he's losing his mojo. There's plenty he could be doing about it including hormone replacement and thyroid pills.

 

Tell him he gets it checked out or you'll be getting some strange elsewhere.

[flying]

Wow, Scrivdog. I never thought of that. I guess it's my bias that I tend to think of thyroid disorders as usually afflicting women. That's really an interesting thought though.

[Scrybe]

Or not....maybe all the sexless men and sexless women should get together for a speed dating session!

 

This always boggles my mind how a spouse in a relationship (male or female) thinks it's okay and totally acceptable for the other spouse to forego sex or to accept diminished frequency and quality of sex AND expect them to stay in the relationship.

 

I would feel terrible if I put my wife in that position. Seriously...if I had no or very little interest in her sexually I would let her go to find love elsewher if I couldn't provide her with the complet package.

 

I don't know if I could share her but I'd even be willing to at least consider it if she wanted to stay married in every other aspect.

 

I just think it's cruel to lock someone up sexually with you when you are not sexual any longer.

 

 

Thanks all for your comments - I really appreciate it. Lecturer, I'll give that a try: laying it out flat and matter of fact. I think I've hesitated to approach it that way because I didn't want it to sound like an ultimatum...but rereading what I've written here, I guess it kind of is one.

 

I'll let you know what he says...

 

Oh - M_and_L, we've been in therapy for other issues we have had in the relationship - things to do with communication and dealing with conflict. We've actually made a lot of progress on those issues. The sex thing, though...not so much. It has come up but hasn't really been the focus of our discussions so far. Maybe it should be.

[tnttim]

If I was your H and my W did the following thing then my desire would be back instantly.

 

Next time he's suffering from insomnia. Go over there and rip down his pants and perform breif oral on him. Tell him to keep watching the porn and then stop. Get up and say ill let you do to me what those porno bitches can't handle. Then walk into the bedroom and wait on the bed. When you both are done and you rock his world tell him next time maybe ill let you show me your seduction skills.

 

If he stays and watches porn leave!!!

 

I would start saying to yourself 100 times a day. "I'm sexy, my husband wants me, but he has to earn the right to get me." after a while you will believe its true reguardless of whether it is truly that way.

[JamesM]

If I was your H and my W did the following thing then my desire would be back instantly.

 

Next time he's suffering from insomnia. Go over there and rip down his pants and perform breif oral on him. Tell him to keep watching the porn and then stop. Get up and say ill let you do to me what those porno bitches can't handle. Then walk into the bedroom and wait on the bed. When you both are done and you rock his world tell him next time maybe ill let you show me your seduction skills.

 

If he stays and watches porn leave!!!

 

I would start saying to yourself 100 times a day. "I'm sexy, my husband wants me, but he has to earn the right to get me." after a while you will believe its true reguardless of whether it is truly that way.

 

Tnttim...for a NORMAL guy, this would be a fantasy come true. However, for a guy who needs porn to get aroused, this will simply be an interruption.

 

I would hope that it would work on your H though.

[giotto]

 

If he stays and watches porn leave!!!

 

he will stay...

[giotto]

Or not....maybe all the sexless men and sexless women should get together for a speed dating session!

 

 

This is a great idea... lol

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Or not....maybe all the sexless men and sexless women should get together for a speed dating session!

 

Can you just imagine the pre-screening to ensure one's definition of sexless matches the others????:rolleyes:

 

OP, sorry to hear, but the answer probably lies in low testosterone. If you can't arouse him in bed (I mean when you go to sleep) and as a male, that is a pretty easy proposition by just rubbing your body and hands against his appendage, that should give you a pretty easy answer to your questions.....

Edited June 15, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Very few insights or commiserating with a female being "rejected" by her husband. Us males have no problem grousing and offering each other support, but here the response has been tepid.

 

Though in retrospect one of the longest threads was from a women who had put on a fair bit of weight upset about her sexless message, but that may have been more about the weight then the lack of sex.

 

Very interesting...

[giotto]

Very few insights or commiserating with a female being "rejected" by her husband. Us males have no problem grousing and offering each other support, but here the response has been tepid.

 

Though in retrospect one of the longest threads was from a women who had put on a fair bit of weight upset about her sexless message, but that may have been more about the weight then the lack of sex.

 

Very interesting...

 

well, xxoo and Tara have participated, but I was expecting a bit more myself too!

[TaraMaiden]

That's a very good point.

Maybe it's because hitherto statistically speaking, it has by far been more usual for a woman to go off sex than for a man, although - like husband-beating - maybe it's more apparent now, because people are more prepared to talk about it openly, whereas before, as with so many sexually-related problems - it wasn't the done thing to air such matters in public.

Now, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, impotence and low sex drive are all commonplace discussions, for and about men.

 

Which gives lie to the 'facts' that men go at it like rabbits, are all addicted to porn/sex, all have healthy sex drives and all mentally undress women and just want them for one thing.

My partner has a low sex drive. This is something I have come to accept and live with, and am happy to adjust to.

 

Maybe women have a different perception of their own roles sexually, and so don't find that going off sex is either taboo or uncommon, because many women go off sex during their lives, for prolonged periods of time, and so, 'know what it's like'.

They also know that if they went off sex for a prolonged period of time, wanting sex during that time was rare, 'forcing' themselves to satisfy their partners was not an option they were happy to consider, and expecting their partners to accept it and let it ride was a given. Unfair, I'm sure, but a given, nevertheless.

 

I'm just verbally wandering down the path here, throwing a few comments in for good measure, and further cogitation.....

[xxoo]

Anyway, in the dead of night is when he looks at it. I know because one evening I padded out to the living room to check on him and his insomnia and...well, hello. He says he doesn't actually masturbate, that he wants to save it for me...but given the fact that we don't really have sex much, I have a hard time buying that he never masturbates to it! But I will say that the few times I happened to have walked in, he was just watching. So I don't know how often that happens.

 

I do kind of think that's weird. I've looked at porn, too, from time to time (hey, I need a release these days) but generally it was with the goal of getting off. I think it's a bit strange to look at porn but not choose to get off...but then also not pursue sex with your S.O.

 

If his drive is so low, why would he look at porn at all? I don't get it.

 

Even if he is not masturbating while looking at it, he may be thinking about it later in the shower....that may be when he gets his gets his release. Still, there is a reason he is looking at it, and the reason is sexual interest!