Husband misses me or is this a trick?

[littlelisa30]

I'm scared. My husband left me exactly a week ago today. Things have been very rocky between us since then. I'm not quite sure why he left. See my threads (I'm angry) in this forum and (Something strange is going on with my husband) in the cheating flirting jealousy forum.

 

I wrote him a long letter yesterday. I let down my walls and just poured my heart out. I appolgized for hurting him and told him how much I loved him. Twice since we split and he moved out he has said he misses me. THe first time was two days after he left and the 2nd was last night. He has SO much anger at me. And I don't know why. He says the reason he left is I'm too controlling, he wanted to go out to bars and I was uncomfortable with that. Well, now he's been single for a week and hasn't gone out to one bar. He did kiss someone else though. But now she's out of the picture. He then changed his mind and said the reason he couldn't be with me is becasue he feels I lied to him or may have cheated on him. I"ve NEVER given him any reason to think that. He has said and done horrible things to me. He has played games (saturday he said he wanted to come over and talk about things but he stood me up.) He bitches about EVERYTHING I've ever done and basically seems like he hates me.

 

But I just received a call from him. (I had taken the day off work) He wanted to know what I was up to. He said he was thinking about me and missed me and wanted to know if I really meant what I said in my letter. He said he reread it last night after we talked (I thought we had a good conversation last night but at the time he seemed unmoved though I did seem glimpes of my "real" husband and not the angry bitter creature he has turned into since he left. He said he really misses me and is starting to have 2nd thoughts. But now his concern is that I had told him I had a crush on a guy at work. And he wants to know how serious it is. (Its not at all!) Wanted to know the details (if we've kissed etc). Says he wonders if something was going on all along (I'm sure the guys at work put this in to his head). He said he is considering workign things out but isnt' totally sure. That now he feels I CAN change (before he said there was no way I could) He wants to stop over to talk. It has only been ONE week since he ended things. He has moved almost ALL of his stuff out (his furniture, his clothes, his tv etc) we've already given the notice to our landlord and almost all of my stuff is gone as well. I don't know what to think. Is this normal for someone to start to change their mind after only one week? Or is this a trick? Is he just trying to hurt me?

[Ilovecake]

Blaming you is a very convenient way for him to get rid of some guilt and not look like the bad guy. It sounds very much like he's with someone else and that's why he left.

 

Google Gaslighting. I would say that is exactly what he is trying to do to you. He’s slowly lowering your self esteem so that you can be more controllable and he can go out and do what he wants while you’re at home wondering what it is you are doing to push him away. He's going to beat you down mentally untill you can not fight him and are feeling too horrible about yourself to get rid of him or do anything about the way he treats you. This way he gets to have you whenever the need arises but has the freedom to live like a single guy because you're too busy falling apart.

 

He's telling you he thinks, YOU can change because things are probably not working out the way he planned with the other woman.

 

Get rid of the bum.

[love009]

I'm scared. My husband left me exactly a week ago today. Things have been very rocky between us since then. I'm not quite sure why he left. See my threads (I'm angry) in this forum and (Something strange is going on with my husband) in the cheating flirting jealousy forum.

 

I wrote him a long letter yesterday. I let down my walls and just poured my heart out. I appolgized for hurting him and told him how much I loved him. Twice since we split and he moved out he has said he misses me. THe first time was two days after he left and the 2nd was last night. He has SO much anger at me. And I don't know why. He says the reason he left is I'm too controlling, he wanted to go out to bars and I was uncomfortable with that. Well, now he's been single for a week and hasn't gone out to one bar. He did kiss someone else though. But now she's out of the picture. He then changed his mind and said the reason he couldn't be with me is becasue he feels I lied to him or may have cheated on him. I"ve NEVER given him any reason to think that. He has said and done horrible things to me. He has played games (saturday he said he wanted to come over and talk about things but he stood me up.) He bitches about EVERYTHING I've ever done and basically seems like he hates me.

 

But I just received a call from him. (I had taken the day off work) He wanted to know what I was up to. He said he was thinking about me and missed me and wanted to know if I really meant what I said in my letter. He said he reread it last night after we talked (I thought we had a good conversation last night but at the time he seemed unmoved though I did seem glimpes of my "real" husband and not the angry bitter creature he has turned into since he left. He said he really misses me and is starting to have 2nd thoughts. But now his concern is that I had told him I had a crush on a guy at work. And he wants to know how serious it is. (Its not at all!) Wanted to know the details (if we've kissed etc). Says he wonders if something was going on all along (I'm sure the guys at work put this in to his head). He said he is considering workign things out but isnt' totally sure. That now he feels I CAN change (before he said there was no way I could) He wants to stop over to talk. It has only been ONE week since he ended things. He has moved almost ALL of his stuff out (his furniture, his clothes, his tv etc) we've already given the notice to our landlord and almost all of my stuff is gone as well. I don't know what to think. Is this normal for someone to start to change their mind after only one week? Or is this a trick? Is he just trying to hurt me?

 

Gosh that sounds a lot like my husband who has been doing this for over 2 years, promising her will come back and chat and then something always comes up so that he cant...too busy at work, needs to leave town, too hung over...the list goes on and on...its the wierdest feeling. And he is extremely angry and hostile towards me at times and a real a-hole other times he is his old self. I wonder why I still want to be with him...its been the most hurtful two years of my life and I have gone through anger, denial (longest one) guilt, hatred, then back to wnating to make it work...bizarre...

[Teffy79]

Blaming you is a very convenient way for him to get rid of some guilt and not look like the bad guy. It sounds very much like he's with someone else and that's why he left.

 

Google Gaslighting. I would say that is exactly what he is trying to do to you. He’s slowly lowering your self esteem so that you can be more controllable and he can go out and do what he wants while you’re at home wondering what it is you are doing to push him away. He's going to beat you down mentally untill you can not fight him and are feeling too horrible about yourself to get rid of him or do anything about the way he treats you. This way he gets to have you whenever the need arises but has the freedom to live like a single guy because you're too busy falling apart.

 

He's telling you he thinks, YOU can change because things are probably not working out the way he planned with the other woman.

 

Get rid of the bum.

 

Couldn't agree more! My ex-fiance did this to me for many, many months. Until very recently, actually. I can't say for sure if your husband means it, but I wouldn't be surprised if he hurts you again and changes his mind in the near future. By the time I realized what was going on with my fiance, my self esteem was torn to shreds. I finally got sick of apologizing to him and taking responsibility for the terrible things that HE did. I know you're torn right now, but it seems like you've got to look out for your own feelings here. He certainly isn't.

[littlelisa30]

The thing is, he wasn't like this until a week before he broke up with me. That was the only time he was distant and he wasn't verbally abusive until we broke up. I literrally see no trace of the man I fell in love with in what he's become. He's NEVER treated me badly before this. I don't know if he cheated on me but I didn't suspect anything. I was afraid his friend was trying to set him up with his divorced step daughter and after we broke up they kissed (he told me) but he doesn't appear to be pursuing her. My take on it (if I had to guess) is that he was interested in her (maybe she made him feel something I don't) and so he started looking at our relationship with a critical eye. SHe says she left her husband because he was so controlling so maybe he needed to feel that way about me so they would have something to talk about. I know he met with her the day before he broke up with me (I guess he could have slept with her that day) and he invited her back to our house later that day (I was gone) but she didn't show up. Perhaps he felt if he left me he would be more attractive to her (but she was going thru a divorce). So he made up all kinds of excuses why he he HAD to leave me. Maybe he convinced himself I was so horrible so he wouldn't feel he was making the wrong choice.

 

After he split she showed some interest in him but it was sort of hot and cold and then her dad (step dad) tried to talk him out of pursuing her according to him) I know that she expressed interest by kissing him but he told me she would stand him up. I think if she would have been interested he probably would be happier right now. Someone to replace me. I don't know if his interest in her was the reason he left me or he was just interested in her because he didn't want to be alone. She left town two days after kissing him and didn't tell anyone where she was going. She left her daughter and everything. She didn't call her parents or anyone else for three days. THey were worried sick. Turns out she was shacked up with some guy she knew from high school. She then came, picked up her daughter and drove 12 hours to his home state. She told her parents she's going to live with him. THey dont' know if she's joking or not. so she is officiially out of the picture. if she was having an affair with my husband I don't know why she would run off with some other guy now that she could have my husband all to herself. SO I think it was just interest and not something they acted on while we were together (maybe I am just naive?) But there were no real signs until the weekend before he left me (He went out and bought new clothes the day before he left me)

 

Every fiber in my body misses him but I won't let him back into my life without a fight. I do NOT deserve to be treated like this and I won't let him walk all over me.

[Ilovecake]

The thing is, he wasn't like this until a week before he broke up with me. That was the only time he was distant and he wasn't verbally abusive until we broke up. I literrally see no trace of the man I fell in love with in what he's become. He's NEVER treated me badly before this. I don't know if he cheated on me but I didn't suspect anything. I was afraid his friend was trying to set him up with his divorced step daughter and after we broke up they kissed (he told me) but he doesn't appear to be pursuing her. My take on it (if I had to guess) is that he was interested in her (maybe she made him feel something I don't) and so he started looking at our relationship with a critical eye. SHe says she left her husband because he was so controlling so maybe he needed to feel that way about me so they would have something to talk about. I know he met with her the day before he broke up with me (I guess he could have slept with her that day) and he invited her back to our house later that day (I was gone) but she didn't show up. Perhaps he felt if he left me he would be more attractive to her (but she was going thru a divorce). So he made up all kinds of excuses why he he HAD to leave me. Maybe he convinced himself I was so horrible so he wouldn't feel he was making the wrong choice.

 

After he split she showed some interest in him but it was sort of hot and cold and then her dad (step dad) tried to talk him out of pursuing her according to him) I know that she expressed interest by kissing him but he told me she would stand him up. I think if she would have been interested he probably would be happier right now. Someone to replace me. I don't know if his interest in her was the reason he left me or he was just interested in her because he didn't want to be alone. She left town two days after kissing him and didn't tell anyone where she was going. She left her daughter and everything. She didn't call her parents or anyone else for three days. THey were worried sick. Turns out she was shacked up with some guy she knew from high school. She then came, picked up her daughter and drove 12 hours to his home state. She told her parents she's going to live with him. THey dont' know if she's joking or not. so she is officiially out of the picture. if she was having an affair with my husband I don't know why she would run off with some other guy now that she could have my husband all to herself. SO I think it was just interest and not something they acted on while we were together (maybe I am just naive?) But there were no real signs until the weekend before he left me (He went out and bought new clothes the day before he left me)

 

Every fiber in my body misses him but I won't let him back into my life without a fight. I do NOT deserve to be treated like this and I won't let him walk all over me.

 

I had problems in my relationship all along but like you he wasn't outright cruel until a week before the breakup. I knew something must have happened then. I tried to find out what was up, he said it was my fault but couldn't give me specific answers as to exactly what I did. He would say things like "I do dishes more than you” (which by the way was BS, he did dishes maybe once a month and refused to wash cutlery). I had a gut feeling that what he was saying wasn’t right and something was going on. On my birthday he was acting especially spiteful and disappeared the night before and was weird when I called him on the phone. So anyways when my birthday came around the next day and I was being completely ignored I checked his phone when he went to take a nap. I found a text to his brother saying something about another girl and how “he doesn’t think he can do this”. His brother, who a few days prior, was staying at our house for free because he had no place to live; was trying to hook my boyfriend up with his friend’s girlfriend. So that’s why he was so mean to me. He was trying to figure out a way to get together with this girl but was feeling guilty about cheating on me so he turned it into anger towards me. When he got up from his nap I confronted him with the message. He said it was an inside joke; there is no girl yada yada yada. Like an idiot I apologized for spying on him and he was so nice about it and hugged me and told me “I’m so sorry to make you worry, but since we’re on the subject…I don’t love you and I’m moving out”. Happy birthday to me. A year and half later and he is engaged to the inside joke that didn’t exist.

This has happened with other men I was with. They act like it’s your fault to relieve their guilt about cheating or considering cheating.[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri] [/FONT][/sIZE]