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Posted

I need some advice on what to do.

 

I've been dating this girl for about 4 months now and we've known each other for a few years, but had never connected before-hand. Everything was going amazingly, didn't fight, no drama, it was wonderful.

 

Unfortunately, a little over a week ago her dad had to have surgery as he was having some complications, and they discovered he has colon cancer. He's a stage 3, which is serious, and is to undergo chemo now.

 

This completely flipped her life upside down. She is an only child, and has been with her dad her whole life -and step mom. Her biological mother is out of the picture. We're both in our early 20s and in college; she lives with her dad and stepmom still.

 

I know it is so hard for her to deal with her dads illness, and I feel horrible that such a bad thing can happen to such a great person.

 

She's a very independent person that deals with issues and problems by herself - she's the type that won't immediately reach out for help or comfort, or a shoulder to cry on.

 

We decided last week that she needs time/space in order to deal with what is going on in her family. I totally agree that she should be spending all her time and energy with her dad - there's no way I would feel right about her worrying about me in a time like this. She said she feels like its not fair to me as she won't be able to spend much time with me for a while. But it is really hard for me. I want to be there giving her support and not just talking a few times over text message a day.

 

She has told me that she does not want to give up on us, and that she needs time.

 

I don't want to be over-clingy with her so I try not to text her a lot, etc, but it is hard not to be concerned about how she is.

 

Do I wait it out and wait for her to hopefully come to me for support, or do I press the issue and try to be more involved?

 

Since we've talked about going on a break, she's become more distant and not very engaging at all. I feel as though she's probably so busy and stressed with her dad that I can't expect her to be engaging in a time like this, and then part of me thinks she's blocking me out and pushing me away bc I'm trying too much.

 

I just don't know what to do - usually when someone wants a break its because there's an issue with the relationship, someone messed up, etc. This circumstance sucks because it was no one's fault - nothing was wrong with the relationship.

 

I don't know how to handle it. Do I wait and give her space, and hope that she doesn't become too distant and all her feelings fade for me? Do I press the issue and try to knock down the emotional barriers she has up?

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. There's no one to be mad at, nothing that I can blame, etc. I'm over being mad at the world for this, and I now just need to figure out what to do.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration - I've never reached out for help or anything like this.

Posted

right now, the best thing you can be is a good friend. That's not to say put your feelings on hold, but understand that sometimes, loving someone means stepping back to focus on them.

 

I imagine that she's her daddy's caregiver to some degree, and trying to be strong for both him and his wife, as well. What your girlfriend needs (though she may not realize it) is someone she can just be with – someone who'll hold her hand as she vents, who isn't going to expect anything of her but who will just let her be. If you can find it in your heart to not take personally her request to gear down the romantic part of the relationship, and are willing to be a good friend when she needs one most, I'm thinking this will be your strongest asset, because it shows your concern for her, but it also shows your respect for her wishes to put the romance part of the relationship on the back burner while she deals with all of this.

 

being a caregiver to someone you love beyond life itself is very, very hard, and sometimes the best thing the man who loves you can do is to be a solid friend, the kind of person who has your back without expecting anything in return because he understands you need that kind of support just then. My husband was really, really supportive when my parents were dying, and the greatest gift he gave me was to say, "Honey, don't worry about it, I can look after your dad/your mom so you can have a few days off." In that sense, he focused on the friendship aspect of our relationship, rather than be upset because I was living across state while caring for my folks. And believe me, it drove up his stock value quite a bit ;)

 

look, I honestly don't think it sounds like she wants to dump you or that you're lacking, but that she's decided to focus mainly on her dad, and that's understandable because she's so close to him. Your "job" as a loving boyfriend is to step down for awhile as lover, and concentrate on being the kind of friend who can help her relax and smell the roses every so often. It's not about her not caring for you, but understanding that she needs your support while she focuses on this for a while, ¿sí?

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Posted

Quakanne -

 

First off, thank you for your input and consideration, I agree with you and this perspective has calmed my nerves a bit. Do you think I should tell her that's how I feel? Something to the effect of ' I know how hard this is, but I want to be here for you, not necessarily in a romantic or relationship sense, but as a friend more than anything' (etc). I just want her to know that's how I feel, and I'm not sure how to convey it to her, esp right now since we don't see each other and communication is down. Do I wait for her to seek me, or let her know? Thanks again so much.

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