another update. how much more can a girl take?

[bananalaffytaffy]

i'm supposed to not give a **** that a baby just died? to not give a **** about someone i love my feelings do not shut off like a faucet. i'd rather love like that than be able to tell someone to **** off like they meant nothing to me.

 

so **** you.

Perhaps you should direct some of that anger to the person who deserves it: Your husband.

[LostIt2010]

Perhaps you should direct some of that anger to the person who deserves it: Your husband.

 

maybe you should save the judgment. if loving someone like i love him is stupid and wrong and makes me someone who others like to call weak, i don't care. i'd rather love someone like that than love them in a way i could turn my feelings off and turn my back to.

 

i don't rate my self worth on him. i know i'm a good person worthy of good things. i don't give up on people and i don't believe in kicking them when they are down and turning my back on them in a moment of pure hell... he may have at times and others might but that is not who i am or what i believe in. people need love the most when they don't deserve it.

 

so **** you.

 

and **** this board.

[Fight4Me]

they may end up together after all of this. i'm leaving him alone. but starting fresh isn't exactly something i'm happy about doing. there is so much devestation and now an innocent life lost... this has been a horrible nightmare effecting people to their core.

 

a year ago today we were landing in Mexico on somewhat of a late honeymoon bc we could finally afford to go somewhere, we were happy and innocent, excited about our future, things felt so good.

 

i can not believe this is happening.

 

None of us are suggesting you should be happy about having to start fresh. The vast majority of us are simply trying to assure you that you will get to a better place sooner if you go NC with your WH, and take some of the advice us seasoned Affair Vets have been giving you. If you were all "yippy skippy" about all this, I'd say there was something wrong with you.

 

By the way, I do see you moving in a positive direction in some respects, but also see you sabotaging some of those efforts. A lot of the frustration you are receiving here is out of true concern for you.

 

i'm supposed to not give a **** that a baby just died? to not give a **** about someone i love my feelings do not shut off like a faucet. i'd rather love like that than be able to tell someone to **** off like they meant nothing to me.

 

so **** you.

 

Perhaps you should direct some of that anger to the person who deserves it: Your husband.

 

I'm using these two quotes to segue into my next thought. LostIt, when I first read your post about their decision to abort the baby, I couldn't help but compare that innocent baby who had no choice to you, the innocent wife who had no choice either. I think you should draw on your anger and grief over that child, and become decisive. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for that baby!

 

Get angry... stay angry... and use it to your advantage. It's a healthy part of grief and healing, but you must turn it toward the source in order for it to be productive.

[CrayonAngel]

Lost it,

 

I feel for you girl, I really do.

But you just told us to **** off.

have you ever told the man whos done all of this to you to **** off?

 

wow..if you could have that anger towards the man who created this mess..you would be so much better off!

 

Why are you here? because if this is some sort of journaling for you to vent then vent away..just tell us ahead of time that you are here to talk...not listen! You haven't listened to a word of advice...its like a child, we have to tell you something over and over and over and over and you still don't do it.

 

Have you ever considered for a moment that this is why your H is having a hard time coming back to you? you cling on to any shred of hope there is..men don't like weak women who wait for them to say go..what you are doing to yourself is unbelievable. YOU FEEL SORRY FOR THEM??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

Good luck lost. I'm done wasting my typing.

[turnera]

I'm sorry this happened. You're right, he will forever grieve what he did, what he lost, what happened. Who knows? Maybe this is such a traumatic event to him that it will be the spur he needs to turn his life around and never, ever hurt another person.

 

Please do keep your distance from him, lostit. Right now, anything you 'develop' with him, even married, will be a relationship built on false grounds and will never survive.

 

All of you need to take time off from each other and heal. Best of luck.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Maybe she'll finally get it when her piece of crap husband send HER the divorce papers!

[ladydesigner]

Sweetie I have been reading your whole thread and have not responded until now. I feel for you. You are young and this is your first love. I did the same thing when I was young and based all my self-worth on my first love. He broke my heart and left me. I believe he left me for someone else.

 

What you need to do now is just breathe and get through each day the best that you can. If you still want to have contact with him that is your decision but guard your heart. Fortunately my ex never talked to me again so it was easier for me to move on. I had to. No relationship is easy. I had an abusive relationship right after that one and then found my H who has also cheated on me.

 

The only thing that matters in this world is you and bettering yourself, making yourself more confident and strong. YOU WILL BE OKAY. It doesn't feel like it right now, it may not feel like it a year from now, but I promise you will be okay.

 

Life constantly throws curve balls at you and some times in life are easy and others times the most difficult. We learn the most about ourselves throught these hard times which will shape your future.

 

Hang in there, please keep posting. Ignore the a**holes that give such great advice *added sarcasm* I always laugh at those posts. Take what you can from the posts that help you and ignore the ones that take stabs at you. Please don't take anything personally they are just strangers on an anonymous forum as I am. Listen to yourself, your family and all those that care about you.

 

Good luck:)

[turnera]

Lost it,

 

I feel for you girl, I really do.

But you just told us to **** off.

have you ever told the man whos done all of this to you to **** off?

 

wow..if you could have that anger towards the man who created this mess..you would be so much better off!

I have to agree with this, lostit.

 

Out of all the people I've given advice to in the midst of affairs, I can say with clarity that in at least 90% of the situations, it's the betrayed spouse who gets MAD and OFFENDED who gets his/her spouse back. It's just human nature - if you have respect for yourself and refuse to take his crap and refuse to be his 'friend' while he's screwing another woman, he will notice it and notice you. If you just hang around and wait for him to miss you...well, it's almost never going to happen. Not to say it won't or can't, just that it's unlikely. We have disdain for what is easy to get; we crave what we can't get.

 

If you ever want him back, show him you DON'T need him. Stay dark. Plus, staying dark will help YOU heal.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Right LadyDesigner...and great advise is coming from a chick who cheated on her husband??? PULEASE!

[ladydesigner]

Right LadyDesigner...and great advise is coming from a chick who cheated on her husband??? PULEASE!

 

 

:laugh::laugh:

[jmargel]

he emailed me and they went to dallas to an appointment for the abortion pill. she was 5 weeks. i do hate her, but i feel for her going through this (which is screwed up i know, but i can't help but grieve for a baby that would have been his first, a part of him and now its gone) he said it was scary and she cried whole time. she has had cramping and stuff and has been very upset. he said he felt if it wasn't for him she wouldn't have done it, and if it was 6 weeks she was going to refuse to. he said he is being there for her bc she was told not to do anything and he feels it is least and right thing to do. he said he is not telling me to feel bad, said not to cry for him that he dug this hole. he said he can't help but wonder what if this was his once chance to have a child and he paid to have it destroyed and bc of what he has done he will no longer get that chance. he said he has caused complete damage to everyone's life. he has no answers, but he wanted to tell me what was going on and what they were dealing with. i didn't know they had decided to go through with it, i honestly didn't think they would.

i tried and stayed out of decision for most part and i just listened and tried to let him know his rights if she did have child and told him how scary abortion would be and he would probably have pain for rest of his life there when we first found out less than week ago she was pregnant. i told him to let shock wear off and think bf a rash decision was made. i also told him it was their decision and that i couldn't be factored in that he had to do what he thought was best. i somehow feel guilt that he did it bc of me. i know he didn't, but i do feel some guilt that he did it wondering if we would ever work. i'm completely screwy for thinking that right now. but i feel some guilt in all this too. this is something he will probably look back and have regrets and what ifs for rest of his life, and i'm just sad for it all.

 

i feel scared for him and sad this has happened. sad a life was lost. its so weird, i can't believe this actually happened. i could feel pain in him from email, i can't imagine. i'm leaving him alone, which is best for us both right now to deal but my heart just aches. i love him, and i can't help but be scared for him,scared for me. scared for both our futures and how lives have been forever affected.

 

please no bashing right now. i'm just at a loss that this is all really happening.

 

Not bashing but your husband is a coward. He is a narcassist. Everything is about him. He is getting his ego stroked because he now has you at his fingertips once again. To actually use an unborn baby for others to give HIM attention!

 

He persuaded her to kill a child. Period. This is a baby that won't have a mom or a dad. A baby that won't experience all the joys in life. A baby that won't feel the love that God decided he/she deserved.

 

I'm going to be to the point here. There is no future with this guy. Stop trying, all you will get is used and hurt even more. This is a person that needs major mental help. He's not about to even go for it. His issues are so deep that unless you want to play detective the rest of your life and want to live in a loveless relationship then you need to move on for your own sanity.

 

You are the giver, he is the taker. That part is working out like intended. It just depends on how much you want to be taken advantage of.

 

A relationship requires both people to be loving, compassionate, trustworthy and devoted to each other. He has shown the complete opposite in both you and this other woman and more importantly in the child he killed.

 

As a man myself, this is the type of guy that I loathe, the one that I would have no problem showing him a 'lesson'. Thing is, that wouldn't even get him to change. He is years of therapy away of even trying to get a relationship to work due to his personality problems.

 

Get away from this guy, stop the drama, stop wasting you life on him. Stop making excuses of why you should be contact with him.

 

Direct your anger at him not here, get counceling for yourself. We are not telling you to turn off your feelings, however you are enabling him to continue what he has been doing for awhile now. Stop living in the past, stop trying to romance it (on the things he did with you that was positive). These are things one does when part of them is in denial on the situation. I went though it myself.

 

He continues to disrespect you and others because they ALLOW it. Get a divorce, honestly there is nothing left here but memories. You can't build off of those.

Edited June 18, 2010 by jmargel

[Mimolicious]

things are very dark right now. i have nothing left inside me. i used to be this bright happy person who was positive and hopeful and she is gone. she was stupid, dependent and niave. this is reality i guess, and i'm a shell of who i used to be. hope is not in my vocabulary anymore.

 

 

And you still are that same person, you are just allowing this worthless H of yours to dull your shine. Listen, I know that it is not easy (trust me I know) but if you keep yourself in the loop then you basically are asking for it. WHY ARE YOU STILL MARRIED TO THIS GUY????????????? Soon you will be paying his child support!

 

Cut him off already!!!!!!!! You are not getting anything but misery out of this MARRIAGE!! (Using the term loosely). This is not a M at this point, he is using you to discharge all his self created bull*****.

 

With these new developments and if this is actually true that OW is prego, I hardly doubt that you stand a chance at ever again being "happily married" to your H.

 

Another thing- GET TESTED!!!!!!

[stillafool]

i somehow feel guilt that he did it bc of me. i know he didn't, but i do feel some guilt that he did it wondering if we would ever work. i'm completely screwy for thinking that right now. but i feel some guilt in all this too. this is something he will probably look back and have regrets and what ifs for rest of his life, and i'm just sad for it all.

 

 

 

Don't think for one minute that your H had the abortion because of you. He did it for himself and no one else. Although, he will probably blame you for it down the line.

[kuma]

people need love the most when they don't deserve it.

 

I think you're giving him the wrong kind of love. All you're getting from him is lots of heartache. It's not working. You should follow the advice here. Marriage is give and take, not just give.

[2sunny]

I think you're giving him the wrong kind of love. All you're getting from him is lots of heartache. It's not working. You should follow the advice here. Marriage is give and take, not just give.

 

it's not give and take. healthy balance is to give and receive. you can't receive if the other person doesn't give you anything to receive.

 

if the receiving end only looks like crappy stuff - why be the receiver of the crap?

 

OP - if you are giving and he is only taking - then things are out of balance...

[califnan]

i'm supposed to not give a **** that a baby just died? to not give a **** about someone i love my feelings do not shut off like a faucet. i'd rather love like that than be able to tell someone to **** off like they meant nothing to me.

 

so **** you.

 

-------------------

 

LostIt .. Your irresponsible man has just taken part in making and killing a baby ... Nothing to love..

[fooled once]

maybe you should save the judgment. if loving someone like i love him is stupid and wrong and makes me someone who others like to call weak, i don't care. i'd rather love someone like that than love them in a way i could turn my feelings off and turn my back to.

 

i don't rate my self worth on him. i know i'm a good person worthy of good things. i don't give up on people and i don't believe in kicking them when they are down and turning my back on them in a moment of pure hell... he may have at times and others might but that is not who i am or what i believe in. people need love the most when they don't deserve it.

 

so **** you.

 

and **** this board.

 

Not one person said you weren't a good person. People have said your behavior is that of a doormat; someone who continues to let others take advantage of them, someone who continues to let others walk on them; someone who continues to disregard their own personal happiness so that someone who is UNworthy of their love continues to abuse them.

 

Maybe getting mad at banana will finally spur you to direct your anger where you should ... at your H and his mistress.

 

Your husband has so recklessly put YOUR life in danger by having unprotected sex with someone who has had unprotected sex with AT LEAST 2 other men. Your husband has so manipulated you that 'everything' is your fault. Your husband's behavior and flip flopping has you running all over the place, wringing your hands and having anxiety. Your husband has cheated on you, repeatedly and basically thrown it in your face.

 

Your husband compared your sexual skills and abilities to his mistress. What an utter slap in the face.

 

Yet you keep taking this crap from him. You keep going on and on about how you looovvveee him, how you can't turn on and off your emotions, blah blah ad nauseum. No one said to turn your emotions off, but how about adding anger, disgust, contempt and out and out pissed off AT HIM to those emotions?

 

You have the power to stop it all. You have the ability to say "ENOUGH" yet... you won't. You love him (got it), you don't know how to be alone (although this confuses me since he has left you alone for MONTHS while he has played house with his mistress), you want to be his mother instead of his wife, you allow him back into your life, all the while knowing he is NOT being faithful AND knowing full well he hasn't quite decided if he wants YOU or her; and even when he is with you, he TELLS YOU he misses her, he loves her, she is better at sex than you, she is wetter than you, etc.

 

These are traits of a co-dependent, needy, doormat of a person.

 

That should NOT describe you!! Take a stand and say ENOUGH!!

 

No one is saying to not mourn it, to not be sad, to not be scared. We are saying STOP doing what you are doing because it obviously isn't working. You aren't healing, you aren't moving forward. You are walking around in a circle wondering what happened and crying about it.

 

Lost it,

 

I feel for you girl, I really do.

But you just told us to **** off.

have you ever told the man whos done all of this to you to **** off?

 

wow..if you could have that anger towards the man who created this mess..you would be so much better off!

 

Why are you here? because if this is some sort of journaling for you to vent then vent away..just tell us ahead of time that you are here to talk...not listen! You haven't listened to a word of advice...its like a child, we have to tell you something over and over and over and over and you still don't do it.

 

Have you ever considered for a moment that this is why your H is having a hard time coming back to you? you cling on to any shred of hope there is..men don't like weak women who wait for them to say go..what you are doing to yourself is unbelievable. YOU FEEL SORRY FOR THEM??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

Good luck lost. I'm done wasting my typing.

 

I agree.

 

Don't think for one minute that your H had the abortion because of you. He did it for himself and no one else. Although, he will probably blame you for it down the line.

 

Exactly.

 

He is going to continue to blame you for all the choices HE made and the ACTIONS he took.

 

Stop being needy.

Stop being co-dependent.

Stop showing signs of being a doormat.

 

Until you can stop those behaviors, things won't change.

 

You can't comfort him. You can't fix him. You can't turn the clock back.

 

[FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference. [/FONT]

[kuma]

it's not give and take. healthy balance is to give and receive. you can't receive if the other person doesn't give you anything to receive.

 

OK, too late to edit. Sorry for my mistake.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Five weeks ago, you posted this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t230914/

While you were in bed crying, your husband was impregnating another woman. I would even go so far and bet the day it happened, was the same day he was texting you about wanting to read that book. That would clearly make his words not match his actions, no?

And you feel guilty?!?!?

Time to wake up.

Edited June 19, 2010 by bananalaffytaffy

[Tea]

You're not "shutting off" love by NC. All you're saying is "I'm going to love you for a distance so I could heal before the damage is irreparable."

 

It's not kicking somebody when they're down to guard yourself. It's stepping away from the situation to protect everybody, including you.

 

As for your H, I'm sure he has has great qualities about him and many things to love, including the good memories you have together. His story abt being afraid this was his only opportunity is b.s. They both had their private pillow talk about this decision and it is done. He is young and could continue to procreate until he is old and gray, unlike women who have a limited period to conceive. He just pulls out any pity card he can to make this about him, doesn't he?

 

I could just imagine your future together. You having your first child with him and always talking about how "(s)he" is not the "first." Perhaps how this is also "mom's" fault (s)he doesn't have an older sibling. Dad walking away feeling sorry for himself and this life b/c he chose you in the end. The one who doesn't get wet enough for him. Sulking about the one he had and let go b/c of his obligation and "love" for his marriage. You quietly accepting this because, after all, he chose you and it's okay for him to be sad, you'll love him regardless. Your high school sweetheart.

 

Go ahead and love him, but don't forget the character of this individual who you want to raise your children with. If this happens to your daughter in the future, you could tell her all about how it's all about love and look at you and her father, no matter how low she is feeling about herself. Tell her that no matter what, she must stick by her significant other b/c it all boils down to just love. Not respect for yourself. Not faithfulness. Not mutual respect. Not being loved back. Just giving love no matter the situation. I just hope that he's not a child molester.

[turnera]

Tea makes a really good point. The comment about this may be his only chance...what a crock of sh&t. That shows manipulation to the core.