xpaperxcutx Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 OP, I will give you my personal perspective since I can absolutely relate to you, as I've been 18 merely two years ago. Some people can say the age gap is not a big issue but you're only 18 and legal recently, which makes you all the more prone to be hit on by guys far older than you. If you do proceed to date this guy I can only ask that you be cautious about his intentions. Are you just looking for a casual relationship? Casual to any guy only entails sex without attachment, and if you are mature to proceed with a sex only relationship, more power to you. But from your post, you do present yourself as a mature young woman,yet your experiences with the real world is stilll very limited. I can say one thing about online dating- it's the only place free enough for people to troll for sex. I can say that I've done enough online dating to have been hit on by guys in their 30s and 40s. In summary, it really comes down to what you're actually looking for from this guy. If you're looking for attachment, then maybe it would be a good idea to seek someone in your age group. If you're looking for an older friend, be blunt with him about your intentions, which eventually will tell you his ( because most guys are not looking for friendship).
Green Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 OP, I will give you my personal perspective since I can absolutely relate to you, as I've been 18 merely two years ago. Tell me xpaperxcutx would you date a man 10 years older? Is it in the realm of posibility?
xpaperxcutx Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Tell me xpaperxcutx would you date a man 10 years older? Is it in the realm of posibility? Green, I'm not going to choose sides between you and USM but it is a possibility. I can say from my past and my present still, that older guys are not hesitant to date youngerwoman. Notice the italic on the word. Older men well casually date women but that doesn't mean they will settle for younger woman. So yes, to the OP, you're right that the guy is not ready to settle, but it can also mean he's only looking to play.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Danger Will Robinson! RUN from this, hon. Here's why: 1- creepy as all get out that a 28-year old man is interested in a teenager. At your age, 10 years is HUGE. Shame on him. 2 - you only THINK you click with him - you've never met, so right now, you're fantasizing. You have no idea who he really is, and I'll bet he has preyed on other young women like this before. 3 - even if you were the same age, and on the same page - lol, the distance would be very difficult to maintain a relationship. My advice? Find someone your own age, in your own area. This is a waste of your time, and a potentially dangerous one at that. I concur. A guy his age should understand it's playing with a vulnerable girl's head. Don't, please, take him too seriously. It's not real.
Ronni_W Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 My priority when it comes to women is Love, Life, Fun, Adventure, Sex-ROMANCE. My current gf is the same age as I am. The youngest girl I ever dated was a 20 year when I was 22. That's the difference, Green. There are women, and there are girls. (Same as there are men and boys, goes without saying.) If you're not making a distinction between men dating girls...then that is your perspective and you're entitled to it. (Also goes without saying.)
mixwell Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Danger Will Robinson! RUN from this, hon. Here's why: 1- creepy as all get out that a 28-year old man is interested in a teenager. At your age, 10 years is HUGE. Shame on him. 2 - you only THINK you click with him - you've never met, so right now, you're fantasizing. You have no idea who he really is, and I'll bet he has preyed on other young women like this before. 3 - even if you were the same age, and on the same page - lol, the distance would be very difficult to maintain a relationship. My advice? Find someone your own age, in your own area. This is a waste of your time, and a potentially dangerous one at that. I have to completely agree with Jilly on this one and here is why: The age barrier and the stages of life you two are at are totally opposite. Don't take this offensively but most of your adult experience at this age has been fresh out of highschool and you don't have a solid foundation on the "real world" per se. Don't get me wrong you appear to be intelligent (just by reading your sentence structure but I believe you would be investing to much at such a young age. Forget the age difference like Jilly said, the distance factor alone would be very stressful in a committed relationship and I do agree you should try to find someone closer to you. I can understand you wanting to be with an older male as us males tend to take a little, just a little, longer to mature to be on the same level and by your age I would say a lot of 18 year old males would just not be on the same level as you maturity wise. Although you appear to be a book smart person you should listen to the older folks because we do have personal experience and wisdom on our side and one thing that I've learned at a younger age is no matter how much advice someone gives you, ultimately you will do your own thing because you will have to just find out for yourself but we're just trying to put it in perspective on a logical level with unattached emotions.. Hell I'm talking about older folks like me and I am 27 haha but I do feel kinda old thinking about the teen days and how fast time has gone by
Els Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I am going to go ahead and be the devil's advocate. If you have been around lots of guys your age and feel that none of them can light a candle to this guy... I'll say go for it. There are no hard and fast rules in relationships. But. Know that the odds are against you, and be very wary. CHECK everything, analyse everything, take your full time before giving him your trust. He may actually be a lot more mature and thus safer than your college jock who might just want to get into your pants and then leave you with the baby... correct. But chances are he might also be a predator, a man who only goes for young women and is only interested in easy sex, a scammer, and all other manner of nasty personas. There are Rs involving people of vastly different ages that work out, but they are rare. Now, as for the distance. This is what concerns me. If you both are keen on just 'having fun', being casual etc, long distance will never work out. It requires a significant amount of commitment, willingness to sacrifice, willingness to sit it out through the tough times. And in most LDRs, the tough times can often outnumber the 'fun' times.
samspade Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 (edited) Guys who do date teenagers and think they are without issues are in denial. Or batsh*t crazy. It's a simple matter of the guy using his age, "experience," and/or money/material possessions to place himself in a position of power over a young girl who doesn't know any better. Men use age/experience/maturity/financial successs to attract women, young or old. This is nothing new and certainly nothing over which to feel shame. Your assertion that a young girl "doesn't know any better" is classic feminazi/white knight beta b.s. We could easily flip this argument and say that this girl is using her youth, sexuality, and appearance to place herself in a position of power over HIM - that is, if we wanted to play the babe-in-the-woods victim card on his behalf. Women his own age can see through all that and won't have anything to do with him, so he has to go for the teenagers... Not true. He doesn't HAVE to go for teenagers. Women his own age are nearing their sexual market expiration date and are often inclined to settle for the beta/wussbags they previously shunned when they were shagging older, better men at age 18. And regardless, even if women his own age have a problem with it, who cares? A mature man would know that a teenager doesn't have her sh*t together at such a young age and would know that she doesn't have much to offer in the grand scheme of things besides sex.And this is a problem because...? It's amazing to me the aspersions cast upon May-December relationships - particularly when the guy is older. (When it's a cougar and a young man the woman is simply 'empowering herself,' getting her groove back, exploring her supposed sexual peak, etc.) Our society has made more progress in recent years approving homosexual relationships of ANY age than it has with older guy-younger woman relationships. It's not surprising when it comes from a disapproving, prudish female, but when it's a guy parroting the feminazi male-shaming party line, it's particularly sad. Edited June 15, 2010 by samspade
Green Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Men use age/experience/maturity/financial successs to attract women, young or old. This is nothing new and certainly nothing over which to feel shame. Your assertion that a young girl "doesn't know any better" is classic feminazi/white knight beta b.s. We could easily flip this argument and say that this girl is using her youth, sexuality, and appearance to place herself in a position of power over HIM - that is, if we wanted to play the babe-in-the-woods victim card on his behalf. Not true. He doesn't HAVE to go for teenagers. Women his own age are nearing their sexual market expiration date and are often inclined to settle for the beta/wussbags they previously shunned when they were shagging older, better men at age 18. And regardless, even if women his own age have a problem with it, who cares? And this is a problem because...? It's amazing to me the aspersions cast upon May-December relationships - particularly when the guy is older. (When it's a cougar and a young man the woman is simply 'empowering herself,' getting her groove back, exploring her supposed sexual peak, etc.) Our society has made more progress in recent years approving homosexual relationships of ANY age than it has with older guy-younger woman relationships. It's not surprising when it comes from a disapproving, prudish female, but when it's a guy parroting the feminazi male-shaming party line, it's particularly sad. I agree with MOST of what you wrote, and enjoyed it. I half expect women to be in the FANTASY world where men shouldn't date women in thier early twenties and below unless you are young yourself... BUT when a MAN parrots this stuff... Just makes me sad.
bac Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 First, dating on line is not a serious thing most often (80-90% probability). It means that all the dating will last 1-5 dates approximately as the best fun possible. Because the guy lives so far from you it makes it even more fake. He might have some problems such as being fake, flake, married with kids, dangerous, impotent, and other issues.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Your assertion that a young girl "doesn't know any better" is classic feminazi/white knight beta b.s. We could easily flip this argument and say that this girl is using her youth, sexuality, and appearance to place herself in a position of power over HIM - that is, if we wanted to play the babe-in-the-woods victim card on his behalf. 18 year old girls tend to be pretty naive about the realities of life. You prattle on about "shaming" games SamSpade but when you decided to call women "feminazis" just because they see issues with a grown man being able to relate emotionally to a teen girl, that's based on your own personal insecurities about the opinion women hold of grown men and how they relate to women of all ages. Tyou resort to negative names as an attempt to discredit a completely valid opinion. Unless a grown man of 28 is mentally handicapped in some way, no 18 year old girl is going to be in a postion of power over him. And if she can be? He is no catch. You just gave any 18 year old an addtional perfect reason to not go for such a man because that's another emotional reason not to get invovled with such a man. Not true. He doesn't HAVE to go for teenagers. Women his own age are nearing their sexual market expiration date and are often inclined to settle for the beta/wussbags they previously shunned when they were shagging older, better men at age 18. And regardless, even if women his own age have a problem with it, who cares? You love to paint the picture that men are more important to the world then their female counterparts. That kind of thought process is really just male insecurity and fear speaking. When a man hits 30, his sperm declines. Why? Because nature is telling us that he is no longer as important as his younger counter parts. Your last sentence is that even if women his own age have a problem with it, who cares..well, what do you care? You do care what women think of you because you try to shame them out of their opinion. It's amazing to me the aspersions cast upon May-December relationships - particularly when the guy is older. I think if she was 24 and he was 28, there would be no issues. If she was 25 and he was 30, again, no issues. It's the fact that a certain kind of man targets young woman who just graduated high school. A man isn't exactly emotionally healthy if he can relate to teen girls. That's a fact. No man is seen as a good catch if his level of accomplishment at the age of 28, is that he can relate to a teen girl. It's not surprising when it comes from a disapproving, prudish female, but when it's a guy parroting the feminazi male-shaming party line, it's particularly sad. Keep becrying "shame game" while you yourself attempt to use it. The fact is what you have her has nothing to do with prudish ideals. It has to do with women looking out for other women when they think they are getting into a situation that isn't ideal. You would do the same for a man. You show your level of insecurities when you call women femnazis because they see issues with a 28 year old male having the emotional level of being able to relate to a teen girl. He hasn't grown in 10 years emotionally if that's the case.
Green Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I call BS on comments like If she were 25 I'd bee cool with it but at 18 No. Its so silly. Her own attraction and smarts are what need to protect her. I find it silly to assume she is so safe with some 18-21 year old guy but a man who is 28 is like some imature pimp.... So verry silly.
USMCHokie Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 First of all, this whole topic isn't so much about the age difference as it is the actual ages. There is a significant difference between two people at 18 and 28 dating and two people at 28 and 38 dating. For those guys in their mid-20's or older, please tell me, what does an 18 year old girl fresh out of high school have to offer to you in a relationship? JS is speaking from the female standpoint, where the young girl has to be careful about the intentions of the older man or placing themselves in an unideal istuation...while I'm speaking from the male standpoint, where the older guy has to wonder what the hell he's getting himself into...
Author bagheera Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Wow, lots of interesting opinions and viewpoints here. Thank you all for responding, first and foremost. All right... life experience first. I'm not the average kid, fresh out of high school. I homeschooled, so I got a great deal more experience interacting with mature adults than most kids in public school, and I graduated high school at 15-16. I've been in the work force since I was 14 (worked in retail part-time for a couple years), full-time since I turned 16 and labour legislation allowed it. I'm back at school now and using what I learned in the "real world" to supplement my education. I've moved about a dozen times, too. I could go on, but I'll sum it up: I consider myself above my age range as far as experiencing things most 18-year-olds haven't. ...That said, I know that isn't a replacement for sheer time spent on this planet, but what I've done with my time so far is more than most young women my age. I've had two past relationships -- one where he cheated on me and the other where he had psychological issues. So as far as him possibly being married or having issues, I'm all set with knowledge on how to figure that out and run like hell to avoid it. Of course, my having life experience isn't necessarily the problem, I know. He might be the problem. --If he wants casual sex I can understand this, but I'm not looking for it. I'll ask questions to figure out if this is his intention. If so, I'll get over him and move on. Like I said, I have issues as far as this goes, I need to be in a long-term relationship with someone who actually loves me before I'm willing to consider sex. --If he has issues Sure, everyone does, but if they're creepy issues like not going out with women his own age or liking barely-legal girls, I'll get over him and move on. --Him using his experience/possessions I don't need or want a sugar daddy, and if he tries to use what he's got to seduce me, he's gone. --Caring what others here say In general, I'm very independent and strong-willed, and I have a great gut instinct. It's not telling me to beware yet, but I'm paying close attention. I'd like to get others' perspectives so I know what to be especially wary of with either this guy or anyone in the future who's older than me, though. --Distance Both my relationships were LDRs, and I promised myself not to get into another one in a hurry, so that's another reason I'm not rushing it with this guy. He travels a lot for business (he's a photographer), and I just moved from the city he came from, so I wouldn't be totally alone and in a foreign place if I did ever visit. But right now, the whole idea of a LDR is hypothetical -- we don't know each other, haven't gone on a Skype date yet, etc. I really appreciate your perspectives. I know you're trying to look out for me and, perhaps, steer me right where you or those you know have gone wrong, and I will listen to people when I feel my knowledge in an area is lacking (which is why I came here). So I appreciate the unbiased perspectives you've shared. Thank you.
Green Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 The thing is you are going to get a lot of jaded opinions here. The truth of the matter is love/sex are things that can really end up hurting you really know way of avoiding it. I think holding off on having sex is a good idea even if you are dating some one your own age. I also think that bad things like break ups happen even when you date some one your own age. Just be yourself, don't change for anyone and you'll probably be fine. That means dating older guys if thats what you want. It also means not settling for older guys if you think you are not being treated right. I really think age is just a number. For a long time now I've felt smarter/wiser then even people in their 50's and 60's... at a certain point old people just seem like big babies literaly...
Jersey Shortie Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I really think age is just a number. For a long time now I've felt smarter/wiser then even people in their 50's and 60's... at a certain point old people just seem like big babies literaly... But age isn't just a number. It's another factor to consider just like anything else in a relationship. And you know this otherwise you wouldn't fight so hard against it. Bagheera, I don't understand why you asked for advice, I think you aleady had your mind made up. You're mature but you aren't 28 years worth of mature. At the end of the day, you are going to do what you want to do. And I think you knew what you wanted to do before you made your post.
Green Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 But age isn't just a number. It's another factor to consider just like anything else in a relationship. And you know this otherwise you wouldn't fight so hard against it. Bagheera, I don't understand why you asked for advice, I think you aleady had your mind made up. You're mature but you aren't 28 years worth of mature. At the end of the day, you are going to do what you want to do. And I think you knew what you wanted to do before you made your post. I'm not fighting hard at all, just disgusted by how CREEPY some women get about everything. As far as Bagheera goes of course she had her mind made up. Seriously the only thing that will stop her at this point is if she loses her ATTRACTION for this guy.
USMCHokie Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 All right... life experience first. I'm not the average kid, fresh out of high school. I homeschooled, so I got a great deal more experience interacting with mature adults than most kids in public school, and I graduated high school at 15-16. I've been in the work force since I was 14 (worked in retail part-time for a couple years), full-time since I turned 16 and labour legislation allowed it. I'm back at school now and using what I learned in the "real world" to supplement my education. I've moved about a dozen times, too. I have actually found in my experience that kids that are home-schooled are considerably less experienced socially than public and private schooled kids. You say you have more experience interacting with "mature adults," but unfortunately you don't seem to have much experience interacting with your peers. It's these experiences with peers that you get during your school years that is invaluable to your development as an individual. And it's one of the major gripes I have with home schooling...the kids sometimes feel like they're "above" all the other kids...but to each their own. And sorry, but the "real world" doesn't start until after college. I could go on, but I'll sum it up: I consider myself above my age range as far as experiencing things most 18-year-olds haven't. ...That said, I know that isn't a replacement for sheer time spent on this planet, but what I've done with my time so far is more than most young women my age. Heheh...all 18 year old girls think they're more mature than all the other girls their age...seriously... --If he wants casual sex I can understand this, but I'm not looking for it. I'll ask questions to figure out if this is his intention. If so, I'll get over him and move on. Like I said, I have issues as far as this goes, I need to be in a long-term relationship with someone who actually loves me before I'm willing to consider sex. --If he has issues Sure, everyone does, but if they're creepy issues like not going out with women his own age or liking barely-legal girls, I'll get over him and move on. --Him using his experience/possessions I don't need or want a sugar daddy, and if he tries to use what he's got to seduce me, he's gone. It's so much easier to say now that you'll be aware and careful of what the future might bring and what this guy intends, but until you're in that situation, you'll never know how your emotions will affect and cloud your judgment...and boy will your emotions screw with your judgment...especially at your age... Your situation reminds me of another poster about a month ago, an 18 year old girl, who asked LS about his 30 year old boyfriend who was a drug addict and general failure at life...she was so "in love" with this guy that she was blind to the truth...but experiences are simply lessons learned... --Caring what others here say In general, I'm very independent and strong-willed, and I have a great gut instinct. It's not telling me to beware yet, but I'm paying close attention. I'd like to get others' perspectives so I know what to be especially wary of with either this guy or anyone in the future who's older than me, though. Like Jersey said, it seems that you already have your mind made up and just came on here to get affirmations from LS members that everything will be ok and that your relationship could very well be successful. A lot of folks, especially new, one-time posters, come on here for a quickie to get some people to agree with them just for that mental boost...
Jilly Bean Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 OP, being home schooled and working a part-time retail job doesn't make you worldly beyond your years. No offense, but pretty much every kid your age I meet tells me how they have lived more than their peers. lol. And it simply ain't true. In your case, it signifies even more naivete. Particularly since you also say all of your previous relationships have been LDR's. Sounds to me, quite frankly, like you are dramatically more sheltered than the average 18-year old, and even more prone to being preyed upon by the likes of this grown man. You have to acknowledge you lack the experience to read this for what it is... BE CAREFUL. Innocent teens like yourself become statistics daily because they think they know it all, when in fact, the reality is from from that.
Lovelybird Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 --If he wants casual sex I can understand this, but I'm not looking for it. I'll ask questions to figure out if this is his intention. If so, I'll get over him and move on. Like I said, I have issues as far as this goes, I need to be in a long-term relationship with someone who actually loves me before I'm willing to consider sex. --If he has issues Sure, everyone does, but if they're creepy issues like not going out with women his own age or liking barely-legal girls, I'll get over him and move on. --Him using his experience/possessions I don't need or want a sugar daddy, and if he tries to use what he's got to seduce me, he's gone. --Caring what others here say In general, I'm very independent and strong-willed, and I have a great gut instinct. It's not telling me to beware yet, but I'm paying close attention. I'd like to get others' perspectives so I know what to be especially wary of with either this guy or anyone in the future who's older than me, though. --Distance Both my relationships were LDRs, and I promised myself not to get into another one in a hurry, so that's another reason I'm not rushing it with this guy. He travels a lot for business (he's a photographer), and I just moved from the city he came from, so I wouldn't be totally alone and in a foreign place if I did ever visit. But right now, the whole idea of a LDR is hypothetical -- we don't know each other, haven't gone on a Skype date yet, etc. I really appreciate your perspectives. I know you're trying to look out for me and, perhaps, steer me right where you or those you know have gone wrong, and I will listen to people when I feel my knowledge in an area is lacking (which is why I came here). So I appreciate the unbiased perspectives you've shared. Thank you. These steps sounds good. Before this, did you do a thorough background check? That you would know if he is married. Also ask him for his land line phone number. If he is married or has live-in girlfriend, he won't dare to give you his home landline phone number. Being cautious is always a good thing ......
Author bagheera Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 I know there are jaded perspectives here; I'm taking everything with a grain of salt, don't worry. When I said "unbiased", it was with tongue in cheek. I had my mind partially made up. I know I want to pursue it a bit further and see what happens. But I also know that others have valuable insights sometimes, and seeking advice can give me ideas for things to ask about, look into, and be on the watch for that I might not have thought of myself. And it helps cure me of the "heart leading my head" thing. Re: maturity, I'm sorry, but I didn't come here to argue about my maturity. I don't feel the need to prove myself. I provided the facts -- my interaction with adults as well as peers, my having worked full-time (not just part-time like many teens) in the "real world", etc -- so others could better help me and know that my situation is different from most; whether you wish to believe me when I say I'm more mature than most 18-year-olds is up to you and doesn't really matter to me. Background checks: I've been looking into him. I've found social profiles, his personal websites, etc. Nothing suspected yet, but I'm still being watchful. We had our first Skype date tonight. My gut instinct didn't tell me to get out of here yet, though I'm not completely sure whether I'm actually physically attracted to him or just mentally attracted, so we'll see how it goes. He might just end up a good friend for intellectual conversations. Regardless of how it goes, I appreciate the advice from all of you. Thank you.
cashew Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 (edited) My sister met a man 10 years older than her when she was 19, now 10 years later they are married and have children and all that. And he is a great guy. So I find your post VERY offending. I know of a similar couple... Edited June 17, 2010 by cashew ETA
USMCHokie Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I lol'ed. Spoken like a true 18 year old. Good luck.
Hopeful30 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Age is just a number. However, with age comes experience, and this can determine whether or not you and this guy are suited for each other. Has be been married? Does he have kids? What does he look for in a woman? What kind of experiences has he had with women already? As opposed to an 18 year old who, for instance, hasn't had many serious relationships, is quite new to the dating world, has not had to deal with certain things like living with a common law partner or having a serious relationship to the point of legally doing things as a couple. So it really all depends. If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. But let it be because you guys are not compatible, not because you were intimidated by the age difference. My ex was 16 years older, and we had a great relationship. You never know.
that girl Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 No one is trying to say you are immature, but working as a teenager does not put you on the same level as a man who has spent 6-10 years as a full time employee, lived independently for a number of years, etc. The only person I've meet who seemed unusually mature when college aged had moved out of home to a new city thousands of miles away and begun working full time construction at 16. By 20 he was running a team of men. That is a very special case. I don't think it is impossible for an 18 and a 28 year old to work out, but I think pretty much every 28 year old guy who met an 18 year old on a dating site would not be looking to fall in love before having sex. He might pretend though. You see the fact that he isn't looking for marriage as a selling point, but that also somewhat implies he isn't looking for the kind of serious relationship you are describing. But a 28 year old has had a lot of time to learn how to manipulate someone less experienced.
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