He's 28, I'm 18...

[bagheera]

This is my first post here, so hello! Hope I'm putting this in the right place. I just need advice from people I don't know about this situation.

 

I'm talking to a guy on an online dating site. (Yes, I'm being careful and making sure he's legit beforehand, and all that, before you say that. )

 

He seems like just my type of guy. Intellectual, artistic, logical, witty, philosophical, has interesting and similar beliefs on important things like happiness, an insatiable curiosity and a passion for life... I'm not sure yet about the physical attraction (haven't video chatted yet, but planning to this week), but his mind is definitely sexy, and I'm attracted to it like nothing else. He's 28, but he isn't in the "settle down" stage of life, which is good.

 

His "requirements" are for a girl who's very good looking and interesting, living life on her own terms, adventurous, social, expresses her opinions, non-crazy, and intellectual (he even specified that he'd like a girl intellectually out of his league). I feel that I can meet these qualifications, as he can meet my own.

 

I'm similar in many ways -- not as fitness-oriented or outdoorsy, but I don't really mind the outdoors so I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem to compromise. I'm not interested in marriage or kids, and I'm not desperate for a relationship, so I'm certainly not throwing myself at just anyone. I have high standards, but this guy's meeting them and even surprising me. I'm 18, and have always been mature for my age. I have little interest in partying or high school drama, playing head games, or anything like that. My friends tend to be several years older, and/or mature for their age like me. Maturity-wise, I'm confident I can keep up with him. Financially, too -- I'm a freelancer and I'm putting myself through university, with quite a distaste for the whole "sugar daddy" thing, so that has no impact on my decision. The only financial qualification I have for guys is that they not sponge off anyone and have good work ethics.

 

I think we have similar goals right now -- adventure travel, living life out loud, pursuing curiousity, experiencing happiness as a process rather than a destination, avoiding a white picket fence like hell, etc.

 

Normally, I don't pay much attention to messages from guys above 25 or so, but this guy has really caught my interest. Oh, one other thing -- he lives ~650 miles from me, but travel between the cities is only a couple hundred dollars for a plane ticket, so it's not an impossible distance.

 

Is it worth pursuing dating him?

 

What problems do people encounter when dating a decade above/below their age?

 

What questions should I ask to ensure that he's truly looking for the same thing as me?

 

Any other advice from people who've been there and done that?

 

Thank you so much.

[Jersey Shortie]

You do sound very mature but, you aren't 28. Why go so far for companionship? Surely there is someone closer.

[bagheera]

You do sound very mature but, you aren't 28. Why go so far for companionship? Surely there is someone closer.

 

Thank you. Yes, I've met guys closer to me with whom I "click" but it seems to fade quickly, or after the first few messages they start using chat-speak and getting repetitive. Also, I live in a university town (I probably should've mentioned that I'm entering second year of university) and most guys are interested in sex, partying, drugs, or all at once. Yes, there are exceptions, but they're typically in relationships or something about it doesn't quite work out.

 

I've had two long-distance relationships that didn't work out (one was just a bad choice and cheated on me, the other was a friendship that turned into more and then his rather alarming psychological issues flared up and destroyed the relationship). Both were much longer-distance than this.

 

I also go to university several hours away from the town where I live for the summer. Travel is no big deal to me at all, if I find the right guy.

[Mimolicious]

Welcome to LS!

 

I must admit, you sound pretty mature for an 18y/o young lady!

 

LDR can be tough but I'll give you one piece of advice... try not to loose yourself over a relationship. Remember "happiness" exists within yourself, someone else should just compliment it. Give it a try but don't put yourself in harms way either. Make sure this person really is who he says he is before you go 650 + miles away and meet your fate.

 

Good luck and let us know how things develop!

[Jersey Shortie]

Are you hoping this turns into *more*? Just help clarify for me because on one hand you say you aren't looking to settle down but it does sound like you want a boyfriend.

 

My advice is to tred slow. Don't get into having sex too soon. See if his actions maintain. Ask him about his family and friends and pay attention to how he talks about women in his family and others.

[Jilly Bean]

Danger Will Robinson!

 

RUN from this, hon. Here's why:

 

1- creepy as all get out that a 28-year old man is interested in a teenager. At your age, 10 years is HUGE. Shame on him.

 

2 - you only THINK you click with him - you've never met, so right now, you're fantasizing. You have no idea who he really is, and I'll bet he has preyed on other young women like this before.

 

3 - even if you were the same age, and on the same page - lol, the distance would be very difficult to maintain a relationship.

 

My advice? Find someone your own age, in your own area. This is a waste of your time, and a potentially dangerous one at that.

[Eoweniel]

Ask him about his family and friends and pay attention to how he talks about women in his family and others.

 

This.

 

Also, for the OP: Atop of what Jersey wrote, I have to add the following. Pay close attention to how he talks (if, at all) about family and friends. Whenever a guy has outright avoided talking to me about family and friends and told me off for simply asking about it once, it has turned out that there was something seriously wrong with him.

So, TL;DR: If he's not talking about his family/friends = RED FLAG, in my personal experience.

[kiss_andmakeup]

You are 18, I'm assuming you are relatively attractive, and from reading your post, you seem rather intelligent/mature. You should have options abound as far as dating goes. Why resort to a relationship with someone 600 miles away?

[bagheera]

Welcome to LS!

 

I must admit, you sound pretty mature for an 18y/o young lady!

 

LDR can be tough but I'll give you one piece of advice... try not to loose yourself over a relationship. Remember "happiness" exists within yourself, someone else should just compliment it. Give it a try but don't put yourself in harms way either. Make sure this person really is who he says he is before you go 650 + miles away and meet your fate.

 

Good luck and let us know how things develop!

 

Thank you. I know that happiness is something found within and a state of mind rather than something any one person can give me. I definitely intend to be careful about making sure he's who he says he is. He lives in the city I used to (until a couple weeks ago when I moved), but the distance is a good thing at times -- I find I get to know people's mind and intentions better with distance to protect me.

 

Are you hoping this turns into *more*? Just help clarify for me because on one hand you say you aren't looking to settle down but it does sound like you want a boyfriend.

 

My advice is to tred slow. Don't get into having sex too soon. See if his actions maintain. Ask him about his family and friends and pay attention to how he talks about women in his family and others.

 

If it's right for me, yes, I wouldn't mind going out with him. I'm not looking to settle down as in finding a fiance and marrying, and I'm not desperate, however. I have no issues with waiting years to find the right one, if need be.

 

Sex definitely won't be happening for a while; I have some past experiences that need to be healed with time and patience from the right man, and anyone who rushes it is out of my life faster than you can say jiminy cricket. Good advice, thank you!

 

Danger Will Robinson!

 

RUN from this, hon. Here's why:

 

1- creepy as all get out that a 28-year old man is interested in a teenager. At your age, 10 years is HUGE. Shame on him.

 

2 - you only THINK you click with him - you've never met, so right now, you're fantasizing. You have no idea who he really is, and I'll bet he has preyed on other young women like this before.

 

3 - even if you were the same age, and on the same page - lol, the distance would be very difficult to maintain a relationship.

 

My advice? Find someone your own age, in your own area. This is a waste of your time, and a potentially dangerous one at that.

 

Thanks for the advice! I'm definitely taking it into mind -- I know ten years is quite a difference at my age, even though I've had quite a bit more life experience than most eighteen-year-olds. I also know that I might not click with him, and it's entirely possible he's one of "those guys", so I'm not letting my heart take over my head. Finding guys with similar values, goals, and maturity that are around my own age and area is quite difficult, but again, if this doesn't look like it'll work out, I'll easily say goodbye to him and wait for years to find the right guy.

 

Also, for the OP: Atop of what Jersey wrote, I have to add the following. Pay close attention to how he talks (if, at all) about family and friends. Whenever a guy has outright avoided talking to me about family and friends and told me off for simply asking about it once, it has turned out that there was something seriously wrong with him.

So, TL;DR: If he's not talking about his family/friends = RED FLAG, in my personal experience.

 

Very good points, thank you. I'll be sure to ask questions about this during our first video date and see how he responds (reading body language definitely can't be beat as far as finding out someone's past).

 

You are 18, I'm assuming you are relatively attractive, and from reading your post, you seem rather intelligent/mature. You should have options abound as far as dating goes. Why resort to a relationship with someone 600 miles away?

 

Thanks. It's not so much a matter of resorting to long-distance relationships as finding the right person. So far, that person hasn't come around in real life. Plenty of football jocks, dramatic/insecure guys, and cute nerds, sure, but not someone who meets my standards as closely as him yet. I'm sure others are out there (I don't believe in the one "Mr. Right" idea), but I'm not going to ignore it if my gut instinct says to stick around for a bit more and just check it out.

[Ronni_W]

bagheera,

I could have written your post...about 30 years ago. I was also very emotionally mature for an 18-year old...but no match for a 28-year old even though he was very emotionally immature for his age (which is the only reason he would have gone cradle-robbing and could have been attracted to me in the first place.)

 

The problem is NOT with you. The problem is with your boy-man who does not have the confidence, esteem and skills to have a mature, adult romantic relationship within his own age-group.

 

It has nothing to do with your level of maturity and development, and everything to do with his.

 

You might have similar intellects and interests, but you are WAY ahead as far as emotional intelligence. It won't necessarily be as noticeable as it really is...precisely because of his age, but it still is that he is working through issues and feeling emotionally safer doing that with an innocent adolescent. Alternatively, he is avoiding working through his issues by interacting with people who are well below his age-appropriate range.

 

Either way, you don't want to be the one who he is using, albeit unconsciously. Trust me.

 

The only sad thing is: If anyone would have told me this when I was 18, I wouldn't have listened to them, either. Because I was just too young to know. But I wouldn't have believed that I was too young, either...because I was so "mature for my age" and everybody knew it and praised me for it.

 

At the same time, if your life path/lessons include you having a relationship made dysfunctional by your partner's issues and insecurities...then that is what it is, too.

 

Best of luck.

Edited June 14, 2010 by Ronni_W
grammar

[bagheera]

bagheera,

I could have written your post...about 30 years ago. I was also very emotionally mature for an 18-year old...but no match for a 28-year old even though he was very emotionally immature for his age (which is the only reason he would have gone cradle-robbing and could have been attracted to me in the first place.)

 

The problem is NOT with you. The problem is with your boy-man who does not have the confidence, esteem and skills to have a mature, adult romantic relationship within his own age-group.

 

It has nothing to do with your level of maturity and development, and everything to do with his.

 

You might have similar intellects and interests, but you are WAY ahead as far as emotional intelligence. It won't necessarily be as noticeable as it really is...precisely because of his age, but it still is that he is working through issues and feeling emotionally safer doing that with an innocent adolescent. Alternatively, he is avoiding working through his issues by interacting with people who are well below his age-appropriate range.

 

Either way, you don't want to be the one who he is using, albeit unconsciously. Trust me.

 

The only sad thing is: If anyone would have told me this when I was 18, I wouldn't have listened to them, either. Because I was just too young to know. But I wouldn't have believed that I was too young, either...because I was so "mature for my age" and everybody knew it and praised me for it.

 

At the same time, if your life path/lessons include you having a relationship made dysfunctional by your partner's issues and insecurities...then that is what it is, too.

 

Best of luck.

 

Thank you for the great post with a "been there, done that" perspective. I understand that it's his emotional maturity that makes all the difference here, and that's very much an unknown factor just yet.

 

It might not even be an issue. It might never get beyond the "first date" stage. But this seems to be something I encounter often, as I've found myself attracted to older, more mature guys in the past, too. Even if it doesn't work out for this relationship, I suppose I'm seeking a general reference point for me to look at a relationship and say, "That's too old even if we have plenty in common," in the future (until I get to my mid-twenties and it no longer matters).

 

I don't mind having a relationship to learn lessons. I think there's plenty I could learn from a guy like him, and I could likely teach someone like him some things, too. But if I smell too many unresolved issues, I'll get out of there like a bat outta hell, I promise. And haha, yes, I do tend to be stubborn, but I have common sense and won't throw myself into a situation that will hurt me more than help me.

 

Thanks so much again!

[Ronni_W]

I understand that it's his emotional maturity that makes all the difference here, and that's very much an unknown factor just yet.

No, it's not, bagheera. It is very much a known factor. The difference between 28 and 18 is closer to the difference between 18 and 8 (than say, 38 and 28.) If we see 18-year olds being more comfortable interacting with 8 or 12-year olds, then the emotional maturity is very much a known factor.

 

I don't mind having a relationship to learn lessons. I think there's plenty I could learn from a guy like him, and I could likely teach someone like him some things, too.

What IS an unknown factor is how willing and desiring he is, to learn anything from anybody, and also if he does or does not think-believe that there is anything that an 18-year old could teach him.

 

Do you know much about his prior dating and relationship experiences? How does he talk about those? Does he take full responsibility for his part in whatever problems and issues there were, and for the break-ups?

I mean, there are other ways for you to find out what it's gonna look and sound like, *if* you do decide to "go for it" so to speak.

 

The thing, I guess, is to just protect your esteem as best you can. If/when things go awry, just know in your mind, heart and soul that it was NOT you.

 

Hugs.

[Confusedalways]

It sounds like you know what you're getting yourself into, and seem to want to go forth with it. Who knows, maybe it could work out? Plus it's easier to regret something you did than didn't do- provided you're going about this safely.

 

For me, anyone 5 years or more older than me is too much, and so I wouldn't even date a 28 year old.

 

If you do choose to meet- do so sooner rather than later, you don't want to essentially put him on a pedestal.

[that girl]

In general, a 28 year old guy who is interested in a dating a teenager is looking for someone who he can show off and who he can have the upper hand with. He doesn't have to take her seriously as a person. The very rare good guys who end up with this kind of age gap knew the girl well as friends long before they dated and still felt a little uncomfortable moving things in a romantic direction. The fact that he would talk to you on an online dating site make me things the odds of him being a genuinely good guy are slim.

 

The biggest gap is most 18 year olds are either living at home or have just left, but this may not be you. No matter how much you have experienced at 18, you're not out of school and you have little experience as an independent adult.

 

My gut feeling is that he is married. He's interested in you because you're young enough that he feels safe that you won't catch on and won't pressure him into a real relationship. And the distance is a major plus because he can make up reasons he needs to travel for his wife and see you.

[USMCHokie]

My sister met a man 10 years older than her when she was 19, now 10 years later they are married and have children and all that. And he is a great guy. So I find your post VERY offending.

 

 

Sometimes the truth hurts.

[samspade]

Hey OP,

 

Nothing wrong with a ten year age gap.

 

Honestly though if it were me I'd be aiming to tap your a$$ first and foremost, and worry about the rest later.

 

That is, a serious relationship would not be on my mind, but a little fun and companionship might be.

 

You might enjoy it too - dating an older guy can be a good experience for a young woman. Just don't take it too seriously.

 

Anyway, might as well explore it.

[Jersey Shortie]

Sometimes the truth hurts.

 

That made me laugh cause it was a good response.

 

Bagheera, have to cosign with Ronni_W. Take her advice to heart. It seems to me that most of the guys that posted in this thread, encouraging you to go out with a man 10 years older, would NEVER give the same advice to their own daughters. The advice they are giving you is from the perspective of keeping the brotherhood alive, not for your personal best interest. I don't think it's a great idea personally. Grown men that age dating teen girls ,no matter how mature you are, have issues.

[Green]

Unlike all the bitter women in here I am a man. I will tell you that I have seen plenty of relationships work out with age differences bigger then the one you are now describing.

 

I've even seen it work out between girls your age and men upwards of 30.

 

My sister met a man 10 years older than her when she was 19, now 10 years later they are married and have children and all that. And he is a great guy. So I find your post VERY offending.

 

Most of the women on this forum will tell you all men are bad. It is really refreshing when a woman comes foward and admits that things actualy work out between older men and younger women some times.

 

Sometimes the truth hurts.

 

The truth that hurts is even if she ends up dating another teenager guy bad things can happen and things don't always work out.

[that girl]

Hey OP,

 

Nothing wrong with a ten year age gap.

 

Honestly though if it were me I'd be aiming to tap your a$$ first and foremost, and worry about the rest later.

 

That is, a serious relationship would not be on my mind, but a little fun and companionship might be.

 

You might enjoy it too - dating an older guy can be a good experience for a young woman. Just don't take it too seriously.

 

Anyway, might as well explore it.

 

The OP should take this one seriously because I think this is a pretty common view of way older guys with women 18-22. Guys often think of much younger woman as good for casual fun. I know you're not looking for anything serious but from your post I think you want something casual that could possibly turn long term. Otherwise, you would be looking for local casual sex with a hot 20 year old.

 

There is a good chance he thinks of you as casual fun and not someone he would ever consider girlfriend material.

[Green]

The OP should take this one seriously because I think this is a pretty common view of way older guys with women 18-22. Guys often think of much younger woman as good for casual fun. I know you're not looking for anything serious but from your post I think you want something casual that could possibly turn long term. Otherwise, you would be looking for local casual sex with a hot 20 year old.

 

There is a good chance he thinks of you as casual fun and not someone he would ever consider girlfriend material.

 

Oh I see you're "that girl" eh

[USMCHokie]

Grown men that age dating teen girls ,no matter how mature you are, have issues.

 

 

Stamp of approval. Guys who do date teenagers and think they are without issues are in denial. Or batsh*t crazy. It's a simple matter of the guy using his age, "experience," and/or money/material possessions to place himself in a position of power over a young girl who doesn't know any better. Women his own age can see through all that and won't have anything to do with him, so he has to go for the teenagers...

 

A mature man would know that a teenager doesn't have her sh*t together at such a young age and would know that she doesn't have much to offer in the grand scheme of things besides sex.

[Green]

Stamp of approval. Guys who do date teenagers and think they are without issues are in denial. Or batsh*t crazy. It's a simple matter of the guy using his age, "experience," and/or money/material possessions to place himself in a position of power over a young girl who doesn't know any better. Women his own age can see through all that and won't have anything to do with him, so he has to go for the teenagers...

 

A mature man would know that a teenager doesn't have her sh*t together at such a young age and would know that she doesn't have much to offer in the grand scheme of things besides sex.

 

So sad they have you brainwashed too. Seriously who cares if you like some one and they happen to be 18 I say GO FOR IT.

 

A lot of the 21-22 year old girls come and post on here and sound RETARDED. This girl comes on and seems COOL and she is PROBABLY PRETTY so if I were single I'd probably give her a TRY.

 

I say to the OP if you like this guy thats all that matters. Its best to be careful and take it slow with the SEX even if you were dating a guy your own age.

 

ITS REALLY HARD TO FIND SOME ONE YOU ARE EXCITED ABOUT IN THIS WORLD. It doesn't always work out but GOOD LUCK.

[USMCHokie]

So sad they have you brainwashed too. Seriously who cares if you like some one and they happen to be 18 I say GO FOR IT.

 

So who is they...?

 

 

A lot of the 21-22 year old girls come and post on here and sound RETARDED. This girl comes on and seems COOL and she is PROBABLY PRETTY so if I were single I'd probably give her a TRY.

 

21-22 is still young. But I can infer that you have certain priorities when it comes to women...especially when you use the word "try"...but

to each his own...

 

 

I say to the OP if you like this guy thats all that matters. Its best to be careful and take it slow with the SEX even if you were dating a guy your own age.

 

OP is 18. Liking the guy really is all that matters because that's all she knows. She hasn't experienced real life yet, so she has no basis to evaluate a relationship that takes real life sh*t into consideration...

[Green]

I can infer that you have certain priorities when it comes to women...especially when you use the word "try"...but

to each his own...

 

My priority when it comes to women is Love, Life, Fun, Adventure, Sex-ROMANCE. My current gf is the same age as I am.

 

The youngest girl I ever dated was a 20 year when I was 22. Since I didn't start dating until I was 22 never really dated that young.

 

BUT I find it really SAD how brainwashed so many of the people who post on LS are about AGE.

 

"He's 28, I'm 18" I say at the end of the day who cares what any one HERE says. If you arn't hiding it from your friends and family and its what you want then DATE him. Life is about going for what you want. ANY MAN has the potential to hurt you... women too of course.

[USMCHokie]

BUT I find it really SAD how brainwashed so many of the people who post on LS are about AGE.

 

 

And it is rather unfortunate that some people are so naive as to think that relationships are just about "love, life, fun, adventure, [and] sex-romance." You seem to forget that life gets in the way. Or just choose to ignore it.

 

But you're right, a young guy is just as likely to hurt a young girl as an older guy. But the intentions of an older guy are generally more clear, and younger women are often blind to it. If the younger girl wants it, all the power to her.