husband involved in an office romance with a married woman

[GamerGirl]

You are doing far worse to your children by begging this man to stay with you, than you would if you respected yourself and your family and and got him out of your house. Do you really think your kids are better off living in a cold, drama-filled armed camp?

 

Many, many, many people with children get divorced. Your son does not have to be the "man of the house". He just has to be an 11 year old with a mother who respects herself, and a father who spends just as much time with him as he does now. How much does your cheating husband really do for the kids? Really? He can continue to see them as often as he likes, right? You aren't going to prevent that if he is no longer in the house, right?

 

So, what you tell your kids is that you love them just as much as ever, that their father loves them just as much as ever, and that you and your husband will make sure they are well taken care of as always. The only change is their father will be living somewhere else, somewhere they will always be welcome as soon as he has set up his household.

 

The kids will be fine. Do not use them as an excuse for your weakness.

 

You, on the other hand, need to get this cheater out of your life, out of your house, and speak to a good divorce lawyer so you know what your rights and responsibilities are, and what you should be doing to protect your joint assets. And you should be telling this poor husband of the OW what his wife is up to behind his back so he does not remain in the dark.

 

Stop begging your husband to come back! And why, why, why does he keep coming back if he's so in love with this other woman?

 

I'm sorry, but this kind of advice makes me want to barf.

 

The kids will NOT be fine. Just because they don't drop dead the second the divorce is final doesn't mean they won't live a life FULL of emotional scars from divorce.

 

Do you know what it's like to cart yourself around to 20 places for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays? Do you know what it's like to watch your parents act like whores and drag you over to strange people's places on their weekend so they can hang with their SO? Do you know what it's like to be a 6-year-old who tries to run off their mother's boyfriend becasue he tells you he can't wait to get rid of you and calls you names? Do you know what it's like to be over 30 and still not married because you have NO clue how a real, loving relationship works because you NEVER saw your parents comprimise, apologize, or really try?

 

The OPs situation might still end in divorce, but for the sake of the children, she needs to do everything in her power to try and save the relationship. Then she, and her children, will know that she did her darndest to keep their family together.

 

Grow a backbone OP. The others here who tell you to expose the affair are correct. Expose to everyone: mutual friends, family, her husband, their work. He is NOT living in the real world in this affair. It's like a drug, and part of the high is the secrets. He needs a dose of reality. Do you really think he is still going to love this woman and have all these same highs when reality hits like grocery shopping, kids, cleaning, etc? No. He loves her because he doesn't have any of that with her.

 

Expose the affair. Tell him he needs to go no contact or HE leaves the house. Start taking care of yourself. Speak with a lawyer about how to protect your money and assets. You can talk to a lawyer and prepare for divorce without actually go through with it. The kids STAY with you in the house. If he agrees to no contact after you expose, then you need to have him write a letter and YOU, only YOU, mail it to her. Find a pro-marriage councelor that you BOTH can go to.

 

And stop groveling. Whether you like it or not, you had a part in his affair and you need to step up and start improving yourself as well. If he's out of the house, you need to take that time, buck up, take care of your kids, and be STRONG!

[LSNoob]

LOL, yes, I agree, do it! Also tell him that you haven't had anyone "that big", if you know what I mean.

 

Hahahahaha, agree tell him that. Make up stuff to show him that he is not irreplaceable. Say like "wow, now I know how it feels to have an orgasm". Don't ever lose to him, he's a loser.

 

Wish you good luck.

[sugarbritches]

I'm sorry, but this kind of advice makes me want to barf.

 

The kids will NOT be fine. Just because they don't drop dead the second the divorce is final doesn't mean they won't live a life FULL of emotional scars from divorce.

 

Do you know what it's like to cart yourself around to 20 places for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays? Do you know what it's like to watch your parents act like whores and drag you over to strange people's places on their weekend so they can hang with their SO? Do you know what it's like to be a 6-year-old who tries to run off their mother's boyfriend becasue he tells you he can't wait to get rid of you and calls you names? Do you know what it's like to be over 30 and still not married because you have NO clue how a real, loving relationship works because you NEVER saw your parents comprimise, apologize, or really try?

 

The OPs situation might still end in divorce, but for the sake of the children, she needs to do everything in her power to try and save the relationship. Then she, and her children, will know that she did her darndest to keep their family together.

 

Grow a backbone OP. The others here who tell you to expose the affair are correct. Expose to everyone: mutual friends, family, her husband, their work. He is NOT living in the real world in this affair. It's like a drug, and part of the high is the secrets. He needs a dose of reality. Do you really think he is still going to love this woman and have all these same highs when reality hits like grocery shopping, kids, cleaning, etc? No. He loves her because he doesn't have any of that with her.

 

Expose the affair. Tell him he needs to go no contact or HE leaves the house. Start taking care of yourself. Speak with a lawyer about how to protect your money and assets. You can talk to a lawyer and prepare for divorce without actually go through with it. The kids STAY with you in the house. If he agrees to no contact after you expose, then you need to have him write a letter and YOU, only YOU, mail it to her. Find a pro-marriage councelor that you BOTH can go to.

 

And stop groveling. Whether you like it or not, you had a part in his affair and you need to step up and start improving yourself as well. If he's out of the house, you need to take that time, buck up, take care of your kids, and be STRONG!

 

How in the hell did she have a part in his affair??

He did this on his own!

Grow up!

You said you aren't married. So you can't imagine the pain that you feel when the person that you though would always be there for you, screws around on you.

Kids need love and attention, the parents need to be responsible and not bring every tom, dick and harry in to there lives.

You don't seem to get it, he wants out! He wants to be with somebody else, making her feel worse isn't what she needs. She needs to take care of her kids and get them out of that toxic enviroment.

 

Tina did nothing wrong except marry a cheating jerk.

[GamerGirl]

How in the hell did she have a part in his affair??

He did this on his own!

Grow up!

You said you aren't married. So you can't imagine the pain that you feel when the person that you though would always be there for you, screws around on you.

Kids need love and attention, the parents need to be responsible and not bring every tom, dick and harry in to there lives.

You don't seem to get it, he wants out! He wants to be with somebody else, making her feel worse isn't what she needs. She needs to take care of her kids and get them out of that toxic enviroment.

 

Tina did nothing wrong except marry a cheating jerk.

 

Grow up? I am grown thank you. I really wish people would be more inventive....

 

And just because someone isn't married does NOT mean that can't feel that pain. Don't remember marriage being some secret club that, if you're not in it, you can't feel pain....I've had relationships that have lasted longer than most marriages. AND I'VE SEEN FIRST HAND WHAT DIVORCE DOES TO THE CHILDREN! Partly why I'm NOT married yet because I want to marry the ONE, not my baby's daddy or Mr. Right Now! Oh, and I figured out how to use birth control when I was 16....

 

Do you honestly think that divorcing is going to prevent "every tom, dick, and harry" from coming into these childrens lives? You lose ALL control in who your ex can date, marry, or expose your children to when you divorce. Watched and been around both of my parents and it was gross to watch. You NEVER, NEVER want to see your parents get close to someone who isn't your parent. It's never the same. You don't understand divorce when you are 6,10, or even 15 years old.

 

And I'm not trying to make her feel worse. I'm trying to get her to BUCK UP and save her marriage! Don't you understand that he says he doesn't love her because he's living in FANTASY land with this other woman. A land where the reality of money, kids, cleaning up barf, grocery shopping, and MARITAL issues don't exist. She needs to snap him out of it. Exposing this secret, exciting affair kills any and all fantasy and brings it back into reality. I've seen it work.

 

And yes, affairs happen 99% of the time because BOTH spouses have stopped making their relationship #1. Don't get me wrong, cheating is NOT the way to solve problems. Cowards cheat instead of discussing issues, but there's no mistake, the marriage has problems for someone to cheat. And it takes 2 to have a relationship. Can the OP honestly look at herself in the mirror and say she's 100% the same person he married? That she's not a b*tchy, whiny, demanding wife and mother who puts her children first and forgets that her husband needs some lovin' too? I'm not excusing his behavior. He should have come to her and discussed the issues. But, what's done is done, and if she wants to save this marriage and her family, she needs to expose, have him go NC, and go to MC together to sort out their problems!

[hopesndreams]

And stop groveling. Whether you like it or not, you had a part in his affair and you need to step up and start improving yourself as well. If he's out of the house, you need to take that time, buck up, take care of your kids, and be STRONG!

 

Nowhere did I read she helped her H undo his zipper to do the nasty with another woman.

 

OP, the only part you are having in this A of his is by accepting it. Sure, you cry and are despondent but you don't value yourself enough to tell him to eff off. That is something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. This is something your children will be forced to watch.

[Mimolicious]

And stop groveling. Whether you like it or not, you had a part in his affair and you need to step up and start improving yourself as well. If he's out of the house, you need to take that time, buck up, take care of your kids, and be STRONG!

 

Nowhere did I read she helped her H undo his zipper to do the nasty with another woman.

 

OP, the only part you are having in this A of his is by accepting it. Sure, you cry and are despondent but you don't value yourself enough to tell him to eff off. That is something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. This is something your children will be forced to watch.

 

Yeah really, I didn't get that part either! The pnly part OP has is by staying with the loser! Drop him!

 

Word of advice: Don't sit there and listen to all the garbage that is going to come out of your H's mouth. He can go gloat about his OW else where. Trust me, this will play in your head time after time and even when you are no longer in that dark place that you are now. I allowed this, for my exH to tell me even when he splacked his OW in the back seat of MY SUV (not his! mine!). Stupid Mofo!

 

There is no need for you to act as his dischange bucket or therapist. Don't ask questions about the A either. If he wants to be with her then set him free. It's not going to be easy but it's going to be fair for you and your children.

[GamerGirl]

Nowhere did I read she helped her H undo his zipper to do the nasty with another woman.

 

OP, the only part you are having in this A of his is by accepting it. Sure, you cry and are despondent but you don't value yourself enough to tell him to eff off. That is something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. This is something your children will be forced to watch.

 

Yeah really, I didn't get that part either! The pnly part OP has is by staying with the loser! Drop him!

 

Word of advice: Don't sit there and listen to all the garbage that is going to come out of your H's mouth. He can go gloat about his OW else where. Trust me, this will play in your head time after time and even when you are no longer in that dark place that you are now. I allowed this, for my exH to tell me even when he splacked his OW in the back seat of MY SUV (not his! mine!). Stupid Mofo!

 

There is no need for you to act as his dischange bucket or therapist. Don't ask questions about the A either. If he wants to be with her then set him free. It's not going to be easy but it's going to be fair for you and your children.

 

Gee, we wonder why so many spouses cheat! Because people REFUSE to accept their own responsibility in their marriage. Like I said in my second post, I don't excuse cheating either, people should have the courage to discuss the reasons WHY they have the urge to cheat instead of doing it.

 

I've been cheated on too. And you know what, when I look back on it, it was becasue I was treating my man like crap. Should he use that as an excuse to cheat? NO. But, if two people are willing to sit down and actually do the hard work to figure out what caused it, and what they both can work on, relationships CAN be saved. Families CAN be saved. People are wayyyyy to eager to kick someone to the curb in our society today. No wonder the divorce rate is so high! It's like a pair of shoes or a used tissue, you can just throw it away and go to the next. I personally wouldn't want to look in my kids face if I knew I could have done MORE to keep the family intact. Shouldn't we teach our kids to be strong, discuss problems, and overcome?

 

Sure, there are serial cheaters out there. But we shouldn't lump every single person into that category. The ONLY way she can know what kind of man she married is to TRY, not just lay down in pity and immediately get a divorce. They both took vows. Sure, he broke one, but does that mean she automatically gets to break "til death do you part"?

 

People are just so damn unwilling to do the dirty work to stay married. My parents didn't either. It's so sad....

[hopesndreams]

Sure, he broke one, but does that mean she automatically gets to break "til death do you part"?

 

Yes. It's God's green light to end the M.

[sugarbritches]

Grow up? I am grown thank you. I really wish people would be more inventive....

 

And just because someone isn't married does NOT mean that can't feel that pain. Don't remember marriage being some secret club that, if you're not in it, you can't feel pain....I've had relationships that have lasted longer than most marriages. AND I'VE SEEN FIRST HAND WHAT DIVORCE DOES TO THE CHILDREN! Partly why I'm NOT married yet because I want to marry the ONE, not my baby's daddy or Mr. Right Now! Oh, and I figured out how to use birth control when I was 16....

 

So the answer is no you don't know the pain of being hurt by the man that you are married too.

 

Do you honestly think that divorcing is going to prevent "every tom, dick, and harry" from coming into these childrens lives? You lose ALL control in who your ex can date, marry, or expose your children to when you divorce. Watched and been around both of my parents and it was gross to watch. You NEVER, NEVER want to see your parents get close to someone who isn't your parent. It's never the same. You don't understand divorce when you are 6,10, or even 15 years old.

 

A parent shouldn't bring them around, so you had bad parents but most parents will not introduce there kids to somebody unless it is getting serious. You are selfish to not want your parents happy, they weren't happy together, maybe they will be with somebody else.

 

And I'm not trying to make her feel worse. I'm trying to get her to BUCK UP and save her marriage! Don't you understand that he says he doesn't love her because he's living in FANTASY land with this other woman. A land where the reality of money, kids, cleaning up barf, grocery shopping, and MARITAL issues don't exist. She needs to snap him out of it. Exposing this secret, exciting affair kills any and all fantasy and brings it back into reality. I've seen it work.

 

She feels like crap, he is cheating, wants a divorce and she is begging him to stay even though he doesn't want her. Sorry what else can she do. I for one wouldn't want to be with a man that wants somebody else.

 

And yes, affairs happen 99% of the time because BOTH spouses have stopped making their relationship #1. Don't get me wrong, cheating is NOT the way to solve problems. Cowards cheat instead of discussing issues, but there's no mistake, the marriage has problems for someone to cheat. And it takes 2 to have a relationship. Can the OP honestly look at herself in the mirror and say she's 100% the same person he married? That she's not a b*tchy, whiny, demanding wife and mother who puts her children first and forgets that her husband needs some lovin' too? I'm not excusing his behavior. He should have come to her and discussed the issues. But, what's done is done, and if she wants to save this marriage and her family, she needs to expose, have him go NC, and go to MC together to sort out their problems!

 

There is NEVER an excuse for an afair, if you aren't happy have the guts to get out before you screw around. Sorry but you are wrong here. There are lots of people that just a plan jerks and cheat because they can.

I pray that you never have to go thru the pain she is. It is terrible and when you have kids it is worse.

[Mimolicious]

Yeah really, I didn't get that part either! The pnly part OP has is by staying with the loser! Drop him!

 

Word of advice: Don't sit there and listen to all the garbage that is going to come out of your H's mouth. He can go gloat about his OW else where. Trust me, this will play in your head time after time and even when you are no longer in that dark place that you are now. I allowed this, for my exH to tell me even when he splacked his OW in the back seat of MY SUV (not his! mine!). Stupid Mofo!

 

There is no need for you to act as his dischange bucket or therapist. Don't ask questions about the A either. If he wants to be with her then set him free. It's not going to be easy but it's going to be fair for you and your children.

 

Gee, we wonder why so many spouses cheat! Because people REFUSE to accept their own responsibility in their marriage. Like I said in my second post, I don't excuse cheating either, people should have the courage to discuss the reasons WHY they have the urge to cheat instead of doing it.

 

I've been cheated on too. And you know what, when I look back on it, it was becasue I was treating my man like crap. Should he use that as an excuse to cheat? NO. But, if two people are willing to sit down and actually do the hard work to figure out what caused it, and what they both can work on, relationships CAN be saved. Families CAN be saved. People are wayyyyy to eager to kick someone to the curb in our society today. No wonder the divorce rate is so high! It's like a pair of shoes or a used tissue, you can just throw it away and go to the next. I personally wouldn't want to look in my kids face if I knew I could have done MORE to keep the family intact. Shouldn't we teach our kids to be strong, discuss problems, and overcome?

 

Sure, there are serial cheaters out there. But we shouldn't lump every single person into that category. The ONLY way she can know what kind of man she married is to TRY, not just lay down in pity and immediately get a divorce. They both took vows. Sure, he broke one, but does that mean she automatically gets to break "til death do you part"?

 

People are just so damn unwilling to do the dirty work to stay married. My parents didn't either. It's so sad....

 

What exactly is there to work out with this couple????????? Too late for the blame game. Sh*t happens and people fall out of love. If only people in a M were to be more in tune and sincere with their feelings, then maybe divorces will still happen but people wouldn't have to deal with all the humiliation and pain that cheating causes.

 

I'm not sure if you read the OP but there are no indications that this is an A that happened and now her H is totally sorry and wants a second chance. On the contrary!

 

1st comment in bold: "BOTH"- keyword!!!!!!

 

2nd comments in bold: You gotta be kidding me! He broke his vows THAT IS A DEAL BREAKER AND GOUNDS FOR A DIVORCE! Simple as that! A M is not a one-way street where one person gets to break all he wants and the other has to take it and keep it together for the sake of the M.

 

3rd comment: So ironic. They actually do "dirty work" to NOT stay married.

 

Maybe in another scenario, people stand a chance of working things out. Unfortunately for the OP, her H is not interested in fixing anything. He's made it clear that he is in love with someone else and wants to be with the OW. It's actually pitiful to insist on being with someone that doesn't care about you. Why should the BS here stay in such a miserable M? Life is not over because the fool who signed up to be with you "till death do us apart" didn't keep his promise. I am living proof of it! Life goes on... and sometimes a BETTER life too.

[Mimolicious]

Gamegirl, with all due respect and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You sound like a kid that is hurt because your parents didn't do a great job at being PARENTS not being H & W. Sorry. There are tons of M's that end that have healthy homes for their kids. Honestly, if you don't have children and you have never been married, you are speaking from a kids point of view. That's a parenting flaw not a H & W one.

 

It's kinda jumping way too ahead of the game for the OP to already have to worry about bringing someone else around her kids. Cross that bridge when you get there.

[GamerGirl]

Gamegirl, with all due respect and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You sound like a kid that is hurt because your parents didn't do a great job at being PARENTS not being H & W. Sorry. There are tons of M's that end that have healthy homes for their kids. Honestly, if you don't have children and you have never been married, you are speaking from a kids point of view. That's a parenting flaw not a H & W one.

 

It's kinda jumping way too ahead of the game for the OP to already have to worry about bringing someone else around her kids. Cross that bridge when you get there.

 

I would appreciate it if you would keep your opinions of me to yourself. I am not a kid, but the pain of what divorce does to a kid sticks with you for the rest of your life. And divorce is ugly no matter what you sugarcoat it with for your kids. Don't fool yourself, no matter how cushy you made divorce for your kids, they still suffered one way or another. I'm sure you missed a concert, a game, or one of your child's events because you had to work to support the family. And again, it makes me want to barf that people on this forum keep saying things like "if you don't have children and you have never been married, you are speaking from a kids point of view". Or "you've never been married, so you don't know". Gag.

 

Do I want to get married? Sure. I would love to have kids as well. But only with the right person. And yes, I am probably partly NOT married yet because of my parents divorce, some good and some bad. Just because I'm not married and don't have any children doesn't mean I don't feel pain or understand how wonderful or DAMAGING relationships can be. I'm personally waiting until I'm sure who I'm with is the one, so I don't end up on these boards in a real situation like most of you are.

 

I'm sorry that you found yourself in a bad situation as well, and it looks like you did the best you could. But just because your husband cheated and was a jerk, does not mean this woman cannot work it our with her husband. I really don't think we should be cheering anyone on to end their marriage just because we had bad experiences. Nobody should be cheering for a divorce, period, unless there is abuse of any kind. I see a lot of women here that get burned and turn into man-haters and tell these women just to get rid of him and move on. I'm just saying there is another option. Not saying it will work, but I would sure want to give him a chance to rectify the situation before throwing him out with yesterday's trash.

 

And yes, he did break a vow. But does that give her the right to break hers? 2 wrongs don't make a right.

 

Yes, her husband seems unwilling to work things out. But, that's why I outlined the steps that I did. Her husband is in a fog and THINKS he loves this woman. Exposing the affair, killing the secrecy and fantasy will bring him crashing back down to reality where they can try and work on their problems. Not saying it works 100% of the time, but I have seen it work with people very close to me. I would just rather try than lay down and give up. I'd rather teach my children that people make mistakes, we must forgive, fix the issue, and move on all the wiser.

 

We can agree to disagree with each other, but please don't discount my opinion just because I've never been married.

[Mimolicious]

Never did but your focus seems to be on what happens to children in a divorce. As to what I can read this was your position in your parents D. Not the one of a H or W in the midst of one. I didn't call you a "KID". I said that you were the "KID" in the situation.

 

I think I clearly started my post by saying "with all due respect". I don't have OPINIONS about you, I'm replying to what I am reading. I don't know you so no need to get stupid. The same that you don't know ish about me, my M, D or kids.

 

Sweetpea- dont we all have glass ceilings. Dont think that because something seems right and feel right today in 2010, it may be the same in 2020. No M is alike and only the 2 people in it know how far the rope stretches. Life is very unpredictable and people change. Good luck and yes, try not to marry unless he is superdidupity Mr. Right.

 

As to the OP. Again-I think her H has made it very clear that he is not looking to work things out with her. After all the only one that knows how he feels is her H and he is not here to say if he is in a "fog" or not. Not all R, A, M are alike. My exH has been in a fog too... She has a name and now carries the title of his GF.

 

Anyway, gotta run...

 

But my advice to anyone- married or not married. Don't be someone's doormat and don't love people who dont love you. It's called having self-worth.

[scatterd]

He is the cheater no one can make you do that he needs to step up and be a good father and such.He did not tell her he was going cheat so how could she do something to fix it.Tina you know he is cheater now and really expose the affair do not listen to him.You take control tell him you are not going to put up with this.I know how lost you are its normal when you have given your life to your husband..He made a commitment and he is going back on it.I believe you can work it out but the problem needs to be gone first which is the other woman.Expose him and if he does not try then depose him.He is telling you flat out he is going to see her no matter what you think well lets see what her husband thinks first.I feel for you and their is no good excuse for cheating.If every body is allowed to cheat then why marry.Good luck