EthanH Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 I have written on here a lot before in the past, haven't for a while as my situation changed and I felt I didn't really need any advice. I was with my gf for a year. She broke it off with me about 4 months ago. Her reason was that she wasn't sure if she was ready for a relationship, and this had played on her mind for a while, so that she took everything out on me and didn't feel she was a good girlfriend. I never accepted it was over. This annoyed her as in reality she agreed. She admitted that her feelings for me never went away. However in hindsight she told me that it was my insistence on knowing how she felt (even though I was right) which was the point which she was able to focus on and use against me. She even told me she feels things would have been very different if I had just accepted her reasoning and moved on, it would have allowed her to work out what she really felt for me and not have an excuse to be annoyed with me. Over the past 4 months we have had periods of being 'back'... the first being a week into the break-up which was mostly drunken hook-ups and then a few weeks later, which I think was based on emotion on her part. Two weeks ago, we got back together and this time it was different. She was very open about how she felt. Told me she didn't want anyone else, said she didn't want to be with anyone else, but if she told me she wouldn't hook up with anyone else, even though she didn't want to and knew she wouldn't we would essentially be in a relationship again, something which she wasn't ready for. She told her best friends that she was essentially back with me, but didn't want to admit it to herself for me. She told them how much she liked me and realised how uniquely she felt about me. It was great. It was so refreshingly relaxed, but the whole time, it felt like there was an elephant in the room for both of us. I never thought she would go with anyone else. But on principle, the fact that she didn't feel she could tell me she wouldn't officially by admitting we were in a relationship bothered me on principle. I knew I should have more self respect for myself, and I knew it was my prerogative to know where I stood. She told her best friends but was still unsure as to if she wanted everyone else to know. On thursday, she got an email from her mother. It was very critical and centred on the fact that she was due to meet her parents at a restaurant at 12.30 on wednesday, and forgot about it, was away doing something else, only turning arriving at 1. Her parents picked up that something was wrong. After reading the email, she freaked out and came to the conclusion that she has been drinking very heavily recently, going out almost every night and getting very drunk, and blamed her actions on the stress surrounding our breakup. I have to say that this is somewhat of a cultural norm for a student in my country. I told her that it was also a case of her enjoying her social life, something which she initially dismissed but eventually agreed with. But it did make her claim she wanted to take a step back and 'sort her life out'...that she needed to decide either way. The last serious thing she said to me was on thursday when she left and told me that she liked me and that I had nothing to worry about. She spoke to my flatmate on saturday and she claimed she needed to think but the flatmate got the impression things were positive. I met up with her last night, and things just seemed different. She was so cold with me. She admits she shuts off her emotions when she is unsure. She did what she has noticed since we split up, she snapped at me for something completely insignificant as a reflection of her stress over the fact she didn't know what to do. She had so much anger that I just thought we could get back together. We were always very close, she hugged me even a few months ago when she told me she didn't want to be with me...but this morning, she wouldn't even hug me, and she said it wasn't a decision, she just didn't feel like she wanted to be close to me, and she didn't know why. I got annoyed as I know I deserve better, I know she still cares, but has just freaked out, and I still want to be with her. I just have no idea what to do. Not sure what else I can say...if you could let me know what you think, and I may add some more points...
ADF Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 She broke it off with me about 4 months ago. Her reason was that she wasn't sure if she was ready for a relationship Rubbish. Whenever someone says something like, "I'm not ready for a relationship," they are showing you a GIANT red flag. When someons says that, what they really mean is they are not ready for a relationship with YOU. If they met someone they really liked, being "ready" wouldn't be an issue. Get away from this woman. She really isn't interested in you. Sure, she may be conflicted. There may be moments when she feels attached to you. But in the end, she doesn't want to be with you. Leave her alone.
Circular Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 I have a good friend that has had this happen over and over again. I've told him that second chances rarely work for a very basic reason. Most people when they get back together pick-up exactly where they left off. There's been no self reflection no introspection and where you left off was basically 'at the end'. Usually the person that gets dumped assumes that 'where we left off' is where we should pick-up again. WRONG. If you have a snowballs chance in hell you have to rewind all the way back to the beginning - what made this relationship work/start to begin with? Not, how was I acting when it all fell apart - that doesn't fly obviously. And, the dumper who is vacillating if they made the right/wrong decision to begin with gets back together because they remember when things were 'great' they get nostalgic. So, they get back together to find out that things were the 'same' where they left it. Which just validates why they decided to break-up and chase after that other person thats sooo interesting now. Lastly usually when the two people get back together they don't ease into it. it's back full throttle, which just kills it. You have to take it slllloooowwwwwwwwwwwww, like in the beginning... be aloof..
northstar1 Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 That's a bummer This cycle will continue as long as you let it. She's still acting the same way in the end and doesn't really want anything committed or serious with you. The sooner you grasp this and move on with your life without her, the better you will be. But, based on how you've ignored all the advice given, but continue to ask, I have a feeling you're not going to let this girl go and we'll see this go on and on until she leaves you for good.
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