AVR1962 Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 My husband is 50, he asnd I have been together for 21 years. I have always been the one to persue him and he seems content with that. However, thru the years he has had some love interests in other women and these women he does persue....has tried to pass it off as friendships, common interests but it is obvious to me that he has been infatuated. In Dec he finally admitted that these were actually emotional affairs, said that he never has sex with these women, that he had never planned to leave me for them and tried to convince me that the situations were innocent. I asked him if he had thought what it would be like to have sex with them. He laughed and said, "Of course, I'm a man." I told him if he was thinking of sex with these women the situations were not innocent and that he made the choice to let his thoughts go that far. He and I have not had sex since. He co-exist as friends and again he seems fine with it. I would like some input especially from the men here. Is it common for a married man to think of sex with other women?
candymoon Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 I would like some input especially from the men here. Is it common for a married man to think of sex with other women? OMG, are you kidding? I'm a woman, been with my husband 20 years, and think of sex with other men. We don't turn off our attraction to people just because we get married. It's animal, biological, natural to fantasize about other people. If you think that is wrong your expectations are unrealistic and way too high. On the other hand, he was wrong for attempting to make his fantasies a reality by pursuing other women. Perhaps he was testing the waters to see how you reacted to the idea of his EAs before he drops the real bombs on you--full blown affairs. See counceling for you both. You haven't told us much of your history and I suspect this marriage is quite dysfunctional.
Author AVR1962 Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Maybe that's why I don't understand, I don't think of having sex with other men, rarely do I find a man that I consider attractive but don't even let my thoughts go there. What's the sense? That stuff creates trouble in a marriage. I have never been unfaithful, never been tempted. This is a second marriage for us both, his exwife messed around on him and my ex husband messed on me so I think for us both the faithfulness is a big issue, we were both deeply hurt by our exspous's affairs. A full-blown affair will just give me my walking papers and my husband knows that.
Woman In Blue Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 AVR, I hate to tell you, but most guys think about having sex with practically every female that walks past them and has a heartbeat. Your husband's "innocent" pursuit of various "love interests" may go a little deeper (and physical) than he's willing to admit.
sugarbritches Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I never think about having sex with another man. I can find a man attractive and not want to have sex with him. I think Johny Depp is sexy but I don't want to have sex with him. An EA can be as damaging as a physical affair. I wouldn't put up with either one again. Normally in an EA they talk about feelings and emotions to me that is just as personal as a physical affair. The day I want to have sex with another man is the day I walk away from my current relationship.
candymoon Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I think we are all different in this. I, personally, might enjoy the fantasy of sex with Johnny Depp. However, I don't talk to him, don't share personal thoughts or emotions with him. Therefore, that does not an EA make. It's just a fantasy, my mind daydreaming. That is perfectly harmless. I don't think that's grounds for signing the walking papers or even an angry conversation with my husband. Hell, I know he has his fantasies too. OP, I do worry about your husbands other issues, though. I really think this is his lead in to something. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he is trying to communicate he is missing some type of intimacey in the relationship, albeit it, this is a poor way to do it. Could it be the sex itself is flagging? You should be discussing with him whether he feels he is missing intimacy in your marriage or whether the sex needs some spice, and like, yesterday.
sugarbritches Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I think we are all different in this. I, personally, might enjoy the fantasy of sex with Johnny Depp. However, I don't talk to him, don't share personal thoughts or emotions with him. Therefore, that does not an EA make. It's just a fantasy, my mind daydreaming. That is perfectly harmless. I don't think that's grounds for signing the walking papers or even an angry conversation with my husband. Hell, I know he has his fantasies too. OP, I do worry about your husbands other issues, though. I really think this is his lead in to something. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he is trying to communicate he is missing some type of intimacey in the relationship, albeit it, this is a poor way to do it. Could it be the sex itself is flagging? You should be discussing with him whether he feels he is missing intimacy in your marriage or whether the sex needs some spice, and like, yesterday. Thinking a man is attractive and being attracted to him are two different things. I agree that thinking Johnny Depp is sexy isn't an EA. You missed the whole point of the post.
jenifer1972 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I think there is a very big difference between men having fleeting thoughts of sex with a variety of women, and having infatuations and emotional affairs. The first I think is very hormonal, but the other implies that he has disconnected from you as a lover and best friend.
Author AVR1962 Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Jennifer, perfectly worded and I guess the difference between the mind wondering and persuing is different than a fleeing thought. This is what gets me and I have never been able to figure out and maybe someone has a clue......like I mentioned I was the persuer, right down to asking him if he wanted to go to dinner, to a movie, for a walk....still is today and when I tell my husband that it would mean so much to me if he showed me that he wanted time with me he tells me that he's just not that type of person, and he hasn't been with me, not even in the beginning 21 years ago. So tell me then why he goes out of his way to chat with the woman he is infatuated with and joke with her, that is his charm? When I asked him, he said he loved the attention.......what about the attention I was giving him? I guess because we weren't new? My interest in him and wanting to spend time with him wasn't fun because it was "old hat" for him? It has really hurt because like I mentioned he doesn't show interest in me, doesn't ask me to do things with him......one day many many years ago he didn't know I was still at work (we used to work at the same place) and I saw him go by with one of his infatuation ladies to lunch. The ladies he chooses are those who are quite flirty themselves, a little loose in thier morals and I think they find my husband safe. He is the type most women like as a friend, a bit on the nerdy side and not a looker. We have gone to counseling for this, counselor wanted to pursue this further with husband himself saying that his lack of initiating with me was an indicater of possible sex abuse in his childhood. Husband never went back, said he didn't want to know and didn't want to get into that. But I have spent 21 years feeling very unwanted and unloved. When all the kids were at home I was busy and it was easy to fill my time but now sometimes I just wish for someone to say something kind to me. It's not about the sex for me....it's about someone caring for me, someone wanteing to be with me, someon show an intrest in me. It seems to me as though he marreid me to have someone raise the 2 boys he had custody of and to help with what needed done......cooking, cleaning so it's turned into a companionship more than anything, like roommates and yet he feels entitled to his life outside the home. It makes me feel used. I have told him so many times thru the years how I feel but it makes no difference and I think if we went our way and he remarreid it would be the same with someone else. I think it is the chase that excites him and by the sounds of things he's always been a fantaciser. I think I could safely say that my husband is a typical "emotionally unvailable" husband.
Author AVR1962 Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Struck out on the Internet to read about emotional unavailable people. One of the things I read today was that there is a reason within us, the person who seeks out a partner who is unavailable, it serves something we need in our lives. So I thought about it, thought back to the time my husband and I met.....I had been divorced 3 years and was trying to be the asservtive one, something my counselor encouraged because she felt I needed to be more in control of my life and seek what I wanted for myself and that is exactly what I did with this relationship. My 7 year marriage to my first husband was basically him threatening he'd go look for someone else if I didn't have sex with him. 3 days would go by and he'd be having tantrums. He wanted me to go to him but I had no desire as not enough time ever passed. He was very demanding and very intimidating. I basically had sex just to keep him from having his fits, thinking at the time (in my 20's) that if I just endured it woudl keep him from running around. My thinking was about as far off as it could possibly be. No matter how much, and sometimes we'd do it 10 times in one day, it was never enough and he cheated regardless. My first husband was manipulative, had a horrible temper and I knew there was no way but his. So my thoughts when I was dating was that I wanted someone "safe," someone that was willing to get to know me which my 2nd husband allowed that freedom and we did form a friendship first. I didn't want our focus to be on sex and it never has but what I have lacked (and felt it even then) was the intamacy, just the nicities....the complements and his interst for me. I think that really worked for me as I would have run fast had I dated another man like my ex. I have ordered a book, "Emotionally Unavailable" which sounds very interesting. I am hoping to find out a little more about myself and maybe make a little more sense of the situation.
BlueDanube Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 AVR, With most men it's generally as simple as this. We are naturally inclined to look around and fancy sex with women that push the buttons. What stops us is our love for our partner and unwillingness to risk a rewarding relationship which contents us and meets our needs for something far less certain. If that situation changes it is because we are missing something from the relationship that we crave. Could be many things....better sex, intellectual stimulation, attention, adventure, excitement, different features..believe me, there are lots. Please don't take this harshly but you won't make progress here through self-help books and critical self-analysis. You're way forward lies with identifying what has changed in your relationship and what your husband is missing. The challenge for you is how to facilitate this through conversation or, better, professional guidance and counselling for you both. You may not find the answers you like but you will, at least, have arrived at a point where you have the answers to your own questions. What you do next then will depend on you. Good luck
LSNoob Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 (edited) Well, nope not all men think like that. If I was with my GF/wife, I would never think about anyone. Let alone fantasizing having sex with that person. So for the attractiveness to others, I don't think its about diff people with diff opinions. It comes down to each person and his/her moral codes and dignity. The more moral and dignity you have, the less you find yourself attracted to someone else when you are in a relationship. You sound a very good woman, your husband is a very lucky man to have a good wife like you, but oh well sorry to be rude, hes an idiot. Wish you luck and I hope it works out for you. =) Edited June 16, 2010 by LSNoob spelling check
jenifer1972 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Just some random thoughts based on what you said: -you are too available for him. There is no doubt in his mind that he HAS you, no matter how badly he behaves. Have you ever heard the saying, "you can be made of diamonds, but if you lay down like a door mat, people WILL walk on you." -there don't seem to be any consequences for his bad behavior. He feels you will never leave him, therefore he doesn't need to stop. -you have fallen into the pattern of "persuader" and he is the "resister". This repeats, and repeats, and repeats. The persuader is always at a disadvantage. The resister always has the last word. Any of this strike a chord?
Author AVR1962 Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 Blue Danube.....we have progressed over various issues in counselign and maybe that's what it will take again. Try as I may on my own to communicate with him and he gets defnsive, had one of those situations last night. LSNoob.....thanks for your response, it's nice to know that men too think like I do and hold morals high in their life. Jenifer......I know you are absolutely right being avaible and always willing to work things out. I have had real good friends tell me I am too nice and family tell me I am too forgiving. And yes, it does seem people like to use kind people as a doormat. Annette
Reality Drip Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 The man is a human being, not a robot. He can't switch his thoughts, feelings, and urges on and off like a switch. Don't pass judgment on him for being alive. There are many people on this planet we could be compatible with; those are just the facts. You're married, he stayed with you, he never crossed the physical barrier so be content with that at least. That said, men are weak when it comes to getting attention from women. It'll be up to you to pull the reigns a bit if he's in situations where he can soak up all that extra attention. Otherwise brace yourself for more emotional flings.
Author AVR1962 Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 I'm human too, nor am I a robot. So tell me what it means then when I try to hold his hand 21 years ago and he drops my hand. I kiss him in public and he tells me military are not allowed to kiss in public eventhough he wasn't in uniform (21 years ago). I tell him he loves me and he tells me that he can't tell me that (also in the beinning). Thinking on my part that his feeling are NOT mutual which it seems to be the case but when I I asked I was told that he simply isn't the romantic type and becuase I am getting NO feedback from him that he wantsa to be mopre than friends I tried to break up with him and he cried and pleaded and then got angry with me???? I was the one going to him for sex, not him coming to me. I was the one trying to be creative and fun and doing things to share time together. He seemed more content to watch TV and crossword puzzles. I was the one giving the gifts and cards, saying sweet things thinking that maybe he just needed to learn how to do this but NOTHING, nothing in the world has changed us. I have talked, I have asked him a million questions on how he feels as to me it feels like he married me for companionship, not love and then he will tell me he loves me but that's about the only time. I have slowly given up and little by little I have stopped going to him, I have stopped everything and I don't think he sees anything wrong with it. If I dare say anything about my feelings it's like talking to a brick wall, nothing ever changes. He's dead emotionally. I feel like a plant who has been watered with poison.....I'm not thriving. I would just love it to have one nice thing said to me. To have someone show me some attention, to feel wanted. I have lived like this for 21 years. Putting my efforts into everything around me to feed me and keep me busy so I don't think about the pain I have felt being my husband's roommate. So I hope you now ujnderstand how it hurts to have all this happen to you and then watch as your spouse shows interest in someone else. His actions contradict his words and eventhough he claims he loves me there nothing about his actions that show it.
2sunny Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 So I hope you now ujnderstand how it hurts to have all this happen to you and then watch as your spouse shows interest in someone else. His actions contradict his words and eventhough he claims he loves me there nothing about his actions that show it. wow, this is a sad way to live, for you and for him. it wouldn't be enough for me. seems you need to make some decisions for yourself.
Author AVR1962 Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 Last night I thought "just maybe" he would be recptive to hear how I felt when he admitted to the emotional affairs in Dec (reason I have gone my own way for the past 6 months). I had just stuffed all the thoughts and feeling stowards this inside me when it happened as I knew it would be like talking to a brick wall. Now I know why I stuffed it all inside. He was expressionless, emotionaless and basically just told me that he does love me, that was it. He then got on the computer and that was it. It drives me crazy and I am very tired of it. I took a 2 hour walk and he didn't even know I was gone until my daughter called. Yeah, this has been a horrible marriage. Funny thing though, one of best friends went thru a divorce just recently and she wanted advise...he became Mr Chatty with all the words of wisdom yet he cannot apply them to himself?
2sunny Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 from my own experience "life is just too short" but that is just me. you either get busy living or you get busy dying... your decision.
LSNoob Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 The man is a human being, not a robot. He can't switch his thoughts, feelings, and urges on and off like a switch. Don't pass judgment on him for being alive. There are many people on this planet we could be compatible with; those are just the facts. You're married, he stayed with you, he never crossed the physical barrier so be content with that at least. That said, men are weak when it comes to getting attention from women. It'll be up to you to pull the reigns a bit if he's in situations where he can soak up all that extra attention. Otherwise brace yourself for more emotional flings. Max, maybe the people are nice here on love shack. They let you keep fooling your self. But let me tell you something, I can see through your words and letters soooo clear. Crystal clear. You are so guilty and you feel so bad that you cheated in the past. I'm sorry to hear that you are a weak person, you have no morals, you have no dignity, you have no self-respect. I'm so sorry Max buddy. Max, men are not weak, I find this statement very offensive. Who are you to say this? Huh? You created us? Max don't ever say that again ok. Look Max, don't go around telling the ladies that men are weak, that's pathetic Max bud. Tell them that YOU are a WEAK man. NOT men are WEAK. Okay Max buddy? The picture here is, you are down low in the gutter, and you are jealous of all the people that are high above you. Since you are such a weak man, you are unable to climb up there, you try to pull the people down with you Max bud. Listen Max buddy, I know it suck to be you. I know you feel terrible about your self. It's okay, I would feel bad too if I was you. Remember Max bud, cheating is the easiest thing in life, oh my god how easy it is, easier than breathing air. You know it Max, you know how easy it is very damn well. While in other hand being faithful is the HARDEST thing in life, its impossible. I'm sure you don't know what I'm talking about here . That's why only strong people can be faithful. Not weak people, who are slaves for feelings and silly temptations. So Max bud, don't be so jealous of the men that are stronger and better than you. It's ok Max buddy, somebody gotta be the weak man somehow.
Author AVR1962 Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 We talked again today and I just asked my husband to go back to the beginning when he rejected holding my hand and all the one-sidedness I've seen as this was the founmdation of our relationship. Basically what come out of it "I think" comes down to him not wanting to be 'tamed' and wanting to remain his own boss, I think sharing his life is too scary for him. We talked about our differences as far as movies and restuarants and I found out he didn't ask because he felt he was shot down a few times when I suggested something different when actually I just get sick of the same ole stuff and we each have different tastes. I am a busy person he likes to sit and while that attracted him at first with all my ideas I think he has grown to recent my busy ways. His lack of boundaries and seemingly wanting to live like a single man without any concern for me and how his actions may affect me has caused me to become angry and distant and so his attempts to be nice, like ask me how my day went, have not always been welcomed. I certianly don't attack him but I really don't think he cares. So there's hard feelings on both parts and blaming on both parts. I feel I can't really trust him as the past has proven that time and time again.
Author AVR1962 Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 Many thanks to all those who replied, I ahve been putting things together and maybe not fully there yet but some things started clicking. Husband and I talked this morn.... I told him that what I saw and what I felt he was saying yesterday when we talked sounded to me like control issues. He wants to be the one to make the decisions, we talk, we agree but he doesn't follow thru so I take action and then he blames me for my attempts and because I took action it throws his control and then comes resentment from him.....not in words but ratehr in withdrawal and bits of vindictive behavoir. I told him that what bothered me more than anything about his confession to the emotional affairs is his laugh when I asked him if thoughts of sex were included. That laugh told me he feels he has a sense of "entitlement." I told him that I just wonder what happened in his childhood to allow him to think that everything should be his way. I asked him if his mom doted on him and he said that it was quite the opposite, that his mom never allowed him to make a choice, that he always had to do what she said. And I do know she was quite demanding, I didn't care for her becuase she had to have everything a certian way and it was to a point of being anal. He said that once he was out of his parents' home he wanted to be his own boss and he vowed then that no one was going to tell him what to do. So basically what I have been dealing with for the past 21 years is a man who "wants" control but does not want to make decisions, does not want to initiate and will not express an opinion which has lead me to guess and persue to try and make a relationship. When he has failed to come thru, I then take the lead and then he silently becomes angered and resentful and will not lend me the support, then comes the blame and vendictive actions. He said that in the last 6 months that I have not come to him (which is the norm)for sex he has become very resentful and that anger has kept him from coming to me, trying to communicate, and that is why he has gone to have beers with the guys without telling me where he was going. I let him know that I finally got tired of trying. I am the ideas person but then he seems resentful of me being busy and having the ideas, says I ahve to have everything my way when actually I am just trying to find things to do together. 21 years of me being the initiator and getting nothing in return, not even a compliment at times gets REALLY old......I told him I basically started feeling like I was a prostitute seeking sex from him and that because of all the issues I found I was only pleasing him and I was getting nothing in return. I felt that he was waving me int to go to him for sex but beyond that he pretty much wanted nothing more to do with me and I no longer wanted to be his sperm receptical. I told him that I would not longer be his ideas person but I also wasn't going to sit infront of the TV and let my butt gel into the couch, that I was going to continue to do things but I was no longer going to ask him if he wanted to be a part or come along. I told him that he was welcome to be a part of things but that he had to decide what he wanted for himself, that I was not longer going to try to keep finding ways for us to spend time together and do things together, he had to want to be a part of things. I asked him how he planned to deal with his issues of wanting control and entitlement and he said he didn't know. So we'll see what happens from here.
LSNoob Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Nice, it's good to hear that you guys are talking this through. Please keep us posted.
Lizzie60 Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 My husband is 50, he asnd I have been together for 21 years. I have always been the one to persue him and he seems content with that. However, thru the years he has had some love interests in other women and these women he does persue....has tried to pass it off as friendships, common interests but it is obvious to me that he has been infatuated. In Dec he finally admitted that these were actually emotional affairs, said that he never has sex with these women, that he had never planned to leave me for them and tried to convince me that the situations were innocent. I asked him if he had thought what it would be like to have sex with them. He laughed and said, "Of course, I'm a man." I told him if he was thinking of sex with these women the situations were not innocent and that he made the choice to let his thoughts go that far. He and I have not had sex since. He co-exist as friends and again he seems fine with it. I would like some input especially from the men here. Is it common for a married man to think of sex with other women? It is very common for married men.. or any men to think of having sex with other women.. . it would be foolish to think otherwise.. You are both living as roomates now.. but trust me .. these As were far more than just emotional.. he seems fine with not having sex with you.. because trust me.. he's having it outside.. Just watch closely..
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