jj33 Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Silly I really think you need to stay out of it. In most areas of life I am all for intervention and doing the right thing even if its not the popular thing to do. But not in this case. For whatever reason their marriage is better now. He is no longer seeing you. Why do you want to bring more drama into their lives? You have NO idea what he has said to her whether he has told her and it is NONE of your business. NONE at all. You are not in charge of their marriage. Its none of your business whether it got better or worse etc etc and you only this information based on what he reported to you. He isnt bothering you. He has left this behind. I think this is your ego looking for more interaction with him and some sort of feeling that you have put things right and perhaps punished him. Its not your place. If they are happy now, let them be happy. If they are not happy now, let them work that out. Their marital issues are theirs not yours. For all you know he has reinvested himself in his marriage and it is stronger than ever. Some people keep secrets. If he hasnt come clean then he will live with the guilt for the rest of his life. Who are you to throw a bombshell into a marriage that may be recovering because YOu think you would want to know if you were her? Its totally out of bounds as far as I am concerned. If it were me and my H stopped cheating and redevoted himself to me, I wouldnt want to know from someone else. It would be humiliaiting and it would undo whatever good had come from the progress made in the marriage and Im not sure I could forgive the transgression. Everyone is different. You are in no position to impose your wants and needs on their marriage. If you contact her, I think you will regret it for a long time to come. And how do you know she was seeing her x lover regularly? Do you know her? Do you know the lover? Was it common knowledge in the community? I suspect that was stuff you heard from him and it may or may not be true.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 jj, thanks for posting, but my personal stance hasn't changed and apart from those split-second moments, I've not genuinely thought of doing this. But the topic interests me on a moral or fairness basis. Particularly as SP says, taken in conjunction with the 'The OW deserves nothing at the end' thread. I do know he hasn't reinvested, I do know he isn't even managing to attend work every day. He's apparently barely functioning on a daily basis. It is likely (based on previous cycles) that their relationship has reverted or will revert to the poor state it was in last year. And I have been able to verify some of the background re his W etc, enough that I am happy to believe the basics he told me. But, as you rightly say, these are THEIR problems. And, to be frank, if he's that bloody devastated at losing me he'd do something about it, instead of Byron-like swooning and self-pity. I have thought about this a lot and I WOULD want to know, from anyone, I've decided. I found out so much that my previous ex did, and it drove me crazy that I had to do that for myself. Even about him and my best friend. I have a real 'thing' about lies (yeah, yeah, everyone will shout 'hypocrite', I WAS an OW for a time) but a single OW who never had to lie to anyone and who opposed the lie-telling and brought about an end to the affair even though it would have suited my life to have continued. I would always rather know the truth, I think lies breed lies and every lie (or untold truth) to me is an enormous invisible obstacle within the relationship. I even struggle with quite small lies, in my life. I can get very upset/hurt by being lied to, even when it can seem fairly innocuous to others. I'd want to be told by anyone. But I still can't transfer that deeply held belief in to a feeling I should tell xMM's wife.
BB07 Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Do you have to be an OW/OM to post here? No. (ten characters required)
cavedweller Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Silly Girl, Would I tell her?---No.. I say: To h3ll with her and to h3ll with him.. I would close that chapter in my life and move on... cavedweller
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