Silly_Girl Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 My xMM and I socialised togther, with my friends and family... he attended my sister's wedding with my son and I (the swine!!!). Now that we are no longer together I've had to update friends/family, which, at best, is no fun and at worst is really blinkin' painful. What I've found interesting is how many have suggested I expose the MM to his wife (the was no D-day in the marriage). And they generally appear to believe that it is unkind of me not to as her relationship, the improvements that have happened between the MM and his wife, are to their minds, based on lies. Curious as to whether anyone else has had this? (I am not sure I am altogether trusting of the apparent concern for the wife from these people, and suspect they're just friends who are bloody angry at how I've been treated.)
BB07 Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 I get that your friends want vengeance so to speak for you, and I'm sure that makes you feel some satisfaction on some level, but........no it's not a good idea, IMO. There could be all kinds of repercussions that you haven't even thought of, also I don't believe that it will add you in your healing. I think almost all OW at one time or another have their own little revenge fantasy thing going on, we fantasize about saying........here's you some, but the reality probably wouldn't be nearly as good as the fantasy. Remember what goes around, comes around.
jj33 Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 DONT DO IT. I just had to rat on xMM again today and its not fun. WHY break this womans heart. Let their relationship take its natural course. lIt was OK while you were with him and now its not OK? Hes not bothering you why should you bother him.
Trimmer Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 My xMM and I socialised togther, with my friends and family... he attended my sister's wedding with my son and I (the swine!!!). I haven't read the backstory - why does this make him a swine? Did he arrive uninvited?
Ellin Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 I just don't see how in a typical A story telling the BS can be done out of concern for her or how it can improve anything for anyone involved..
stuckinoz Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 I understand your friends being upset that you were dumped. BUT - they weren't concerned that he was married while you were seeing him - I assume that while you were having good times with him & taking him around your family, they knew all along that he was still married? Weird that they choose to "step up to the plate" after the fact & say something :confused: If you're looking for vengance you will be the one that will look silly in the long run. You don't know what he's told his wife - whether it be the truth or not. Never rat on an X-MM......Nothing, NOTHING good can come from it. Ever!
silverplanets Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 My own take is that YOU are allowed to do whatever YOU need to do in order to move yourself from where you are now (not a nice place emotionally) to where you want to be (a nice place emotionally). So I guess the first question I would ask is will this help you do that? It might well be that the answer is genuinly yes ... if you've really been manipulated to the extent of abuse by it then I can see that standing up for yourself to the abuser can be a healthy thing if done properly. Equally, if not careful it can turn out to be the worst thing possible for you as you are dragged into their drama instead of focusing on re-building your life. Given that I've done it then I'm not going to recommend you don't but I would strongly advise you work out how it's going to help YOU before you do it. For me, all those years ago, it helped ... i was suckered 150% and standing up for myself (even just with a one line email) right at the end was something that I could focus on as positive for me .. at least I'd finally stood up for myself. Why i couldn't do it before, why i got suckered .. all those other issues were still there, however, and resolving (or even getting to my stage now where I am aware they need to be solved) was nothing to do with them - it was a case of looking deep within me. The most healthy thing, imho, if if you can just brush them off like dirt and pick yourself up and focus long and hard on yourself ...because that is where the rewards are. If I had to choose between letting the H/W know or going to counselling myself then, in reality, I'd choose the counselling ... it's the only one that's going to change your life for the better :-) If they ignore your NC request however, then I think you again do whatever you need to make them respect your boundries. Not sure if that helps !!! C
califnan Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 Yes, your friends appear to be seeking revenge for you .. I wouldn't initiate any communication with the wife..
Spark1111 Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 My xMM and I socialised togther, with my friends and family... he attended my sister's wedding with my son and I (the swine!!!). Now that we are no longer together I've had to update friends/family, which, at best, is no fun and at worst is really blinkin' painful. What I've found interesting is how many have suggested I expose the MM to his wife (the was no D-day in the marriage). And they generally appear to believe that it is unkind of me not to as her relationship, the improvements that have happened between the MM and his wife, are to their minds, based on lies. Curious as to whether anyone else has had this? (I am not sure I am altogether trusting of the apparent concern for the wife from these people, and suspect they're just friends who are bloody angry at how I've been treated.) You know SG, this is no different from the the group of friends and family who wanted to march onto the doorstep of my xOW and give her a pice of their minds. They were angry for me and my pain and wanted to take a proactive measure out of defense for their love and friendship of me. I told them absolutely not, and directed my anger where it belonged: to my WS. I advise you take all advice with a grain of salt and an understanding of the motivations it may be coming from (knee-jerk reaction to protect you) and continue to take the high road.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 14, 2010 Author Posted June 14, 2010 I haven't read the backstory - why does this make him a swine? Did he arrive uninvited? It was an event, along with another, that I told him I didn't want him to come to if we weren't moving forward together and him leaving his wife. Just one of those things, but it was a small wedding and if I'd thought (back then) for one second we'd split up I'd never have invited him. Not a huge deal but it mattered a lot to me. Thanks for all the feedback, it's really good to hear others' take on it. I understand why my friends have that viewpoint, it's not about 'it's okay when he's with you and not when he's not'. There's more to the thought process than that. But I think xMM and his wife will have to work things out for themselves, they're probably perfect for each other in respect of how they treat each other, and don't need me stirring it up. I don't think it can help me, personally. At the moment, rightly or wrongly, I feel I can be at peace with myself in terms of my own behaviour and I suspect that feeling will diminish/disappear if I did anything in that vein.
joey66 Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 There could be all kinds of repercussions that you haven't even thought of ... What BB07 said! Unintended consequences are a b*tch. Plus, vengeance is rarely if ever a good motive for anything. All it will do is make you appear petty and childish. He can then tell his W - "She's a deranged, spiteful, crazy woman." If I may quote the (hypothetical) OW rulebook - "His M is his mess, let him clean it up." I understand your pain - I really, really do. It will get better. Don't do anything now that you will regret later.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 My xMM and I socialised togther, with my friends and family... he attended my sister's wedding with my son and I (the swine!!!). Now that we are no longer together I've had to update friends/family, which, at best, is no fun and at worst is really blinkin' painful. What I've found interesting is how many have suggested I expose the MM to his wife (the was no D-day in the marriage). And they generally appear to believe that it is unkind of me not to as her relationship, the improvements that have happened between the MM and his wife, are to their minds, based on lies. Curious as to whether anyone else has had this? (I am not sure I am altogether trusting of the apparent concern for the wife from these people, and suspect they're just friends who are bloody angry at how I've been treated.) Remember, you had the affair willingly, knowing he was married from day one. You chose to believe his lies. You chose to continue to stay in the A. Never had ANY intention of telling when things were good. Why tell now that the A is over?? Are YOU ready for the drama? The fallout? Of having to face his wife, face everyone else? Owning up to your own part in the A? Yes, he treated you poorly, but you stayed..And stayed.. It's over now. Let it go and focus on yourself, healing and going on with your life. Don't tell to please your friends. Or to get revenge.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 14, 2010 Author Posted June 14, 2010 Remember, you had the affair willingly, knowing he was married from day one. You chose to believe his lies. You chose to continue to stay in the A. Never had ANY intention of telling when things were good. Why tell now that the A is over?? Are YOU ready for the drama? The fallout? Of having to face his wife, face everyone else? Owning up to your own part in the A? Yes, he treated you poorly, but you stayed..And stayed.. It's over now. Let it go and focus on yourself, healing and going on with your life. Don't tell to please your friends. Or to get revenge. I did stay, for a few months; the relationship (THEIR relationship) was not so 'easy' in the early days as it is now. Things were tense and fraught and the future for them looked bleak and they had apparently accepted they would never have a 'proper' future. This changed over the months, the months I was seeing him. They relaxed into a routine and the intensity of the situation eased a great deal. It wouldn't affect me in any way to 'tell' on him, she is extremely unlikely to bother me and we live far away. But it would leave me with a mess in my head/heart that I don't need. The one thing I felt about this relationship (in contrast to my other two important relationships) was that I felt I retained dignity. I know that many will argue that even HAVING an affair means there was nothing dignified, but the way it evolved, and how I addressed things with MM, and what happened... I'm not comfortable with the whole period, but I am happy I was true to myself and I kept my values close to my heart. I had some terrible dreams about he/her/me and the upset and anxiety... I woke so upset many times. And then, it took me back to my previous relationship which included gaslighting and physical abuse (not that I believe MM behaved similarly in any way towards any one). I miss MM very much, but I don't miss that feeling of knowing something bad and wrong is happening. Yes, it would do me no good at all. It did surprise me that 2 of my closest friends in particular wanted me to take that route. I wonder if I would react the same were it not me with the experience and the understanding of the situation.
jj33 Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 Silly be happy that you have friends who love you so much that they react like mother lions when they see you have been hurt and want to go on the attack for you. Cherish that. And at the same time keep that level head of yours and know in your heart that telling would make you less of the things that you like and admire most about yourself so no matter how protective your friends are of you, you wont do it. I was forced into a situation where I had to do it (not his W as she could care less but others). And it was not a gleeful experience. It was awful. Not because of anything anyone said but because it felt awful. And the fact that it changed nothing (he still harrasses me in his own little ways) makes me feel even worse no matter how many times I reported him. Be relieved and happy that he leaves you alone and leave him alone. You shared something special but now you can both move forward with your lives. You will heal in time and the very thought of "telling on him" will seem ridiculous.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 14, 2010 Author Posted June 14, 2010 Be relieved and happy that he leaves you alone and leave him alone. You shared something special but now you can both move forward with your lives. You will heal in time and the very thought of "telling on him" will seem ridiculous. I'm still so sad, but thank you, I suspect you're very right with this. Especially the 'ridiculous' bit.
jj33 Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 If you beleive at all in what you shared, then you wont want to ruin him and hurt his W. Ratting him out is a way of tearing down anything good that you shared. Its vengeful and petty and meanspirited - the opposite of what you felt in your heart.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 14, 2010 Author Posted June 14, 2010 If you beleive at all in what you shared, then you wont want to ruin him and hurt his W. Ratting him out is a way of tearing down anything good that you shared. Its vengeful and petty and meanspirited - the opposite of what you felt in your heart. That's it. Everything we shared was always dignified, and warm, and well-intentioned. Even the hardest, most awful 'showdowns' were loving and calm and constructive in their manner (I know that sounds odd). And although I think he let me down, I'd definitely be letting myself down. My 8yr relationship was awful, and although I was terribly provoked with cheating and violence and mind games and verbal abuse, I behaved in ways that now make me ashamed and sad. No point disappointing myself again!
turnstone Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Ok, even though I'm a hypocrite, because I haven't taken this advice myself, I still believe its worth mentioning. Important decisions are better made when one is not emotionally involved. Which is why there is legislation regarding professions which are subject to prejudice. If you and your friends feel she should know when you are feeling indifferent about him, then that's the time to tell her, when you know you're doing it for purely altruistic reasons and not for any other reason, like revenge.
Fieldsofgold Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 SG, I just want to say that I think you have handled this situation with class and grace pretty much from start to finish. As soon as you realized that things were not as he said, you exited, again with style and class. I see no good coming from her being notified about the affair - under their conditions.
bittersweet memories Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 My xMM and I socialised togther, with my friends and family... he attended my sister's wedding with my son and I (the swine!!!). Now that we are no longer together I've had to update friends/family, which, at best, is no fun and at worst is really blinkin' painful. What I've found interesting is how many have suggested I expose the MM to his wife (the was no D-day in the marriage). And they generally appear to believe that it is unkind of me not to as her relationship, the improvements that have happened between the MM and his wife, are to their minds, based on lies. Curious as to whether anyone else has had this? (I am not sure I am altogether trusting of the apparent concern for the wife from these people, and suspect they're just friends who are bloody angry at how I've been treated.) Don't do It!! Why do you want to expose the affair now that you are not with him? If you do its for the wrong reasons because he wants nothing to do with you and he' s moved on. You should Do the same move on!
VelveteenBunny Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Honor among thieves- you chose to be in the affair, it was also your responsibility, so you don't tell on him. It's a betrayal of the trust he put in you. You had an intimate relationship with him, not with her, so you should have more loyalty to him. Does she have a right to know? Yes, but it isn't your place to tell her. If he were a rapist or serial killer, I'd suggest you tell, regardless of loyalty, but while I realize he wronged his wife, it was more human than monstrous, and you were complicit. Neither you nor your friends wanted to squack when things were going good with you. To tell on him now would likely be a hypocritical act of revenge. Two wrongs don't make a right, and wronging him will not right what you've done to her.
bentnotbroken Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Honor among thieves- you chose to be in the affair, it was also your responsibility, so you don't tell on him. It's a betrayal of the trust he put in you. You had an intimate relationship with him, not with her, so you should have more loyalty to him. Does she have a right to know? Yes, but it isn't your place to tell her. If he were a rapist or serial killer, I'd suggest you tell, regardless of loyalty, but while I realize he wronged his wife, it was more human than monstrous, and you were complicit. Neither you nor your friends wanted to squack when things were going good with you. To tell on him now would likely be a hypocritical act of revenge. Two wrongs don't make a right, and wronging him will not right what you've done to her. But it sure as hell would give her the means to protect her life from diseases and decide for herself(something OP and cheating spouse took away from her in the first place), how she wants to live her life. It would only be returning to her what OP helped take in the first place....choice.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 It's still not something I personally have seriously considered, I was more curious as to whether it's a knee-jerk thing and others in my situation have had the same pressure from their friends. But the more I think about it the more I think I'd like to know if I were in her shoes. Still don't plan to tell her but it makes me sad. When they had no relationship, back at the start, (plus she still sees her (ex?)lover regularly), I hadn't - I will confess - *truly* considered the impact on her. And then he was owning up, leaving, and everything was to be open and above board so I didn't have to wrestle with my conscience in that respect. But he didn't do that so I've not spoken to him or seen him since. Perhaps the AP after me will tell her.
turnstone Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 While I agree with the sentiment that it would ultimately be better for the BS to know (even if its just to get a sexual health check), I don't feel it would be better for you, OP. It opens you up to all sorts of repercussions and some of them could be nastier than anyone could expect. But apart from that it adds to the time it takes to remove him from your life and it keeps him on your mind, neither of which he appears to deserve.
silverplanets Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I find this thread interesting when placed next to the "Does the WS owe the AP anything?" thread ... A lot of the posts in the latter say the WS owes them nothing ... So I kinda haven't changed my views on telling the BS ... it may not be wise, it may not be clever, it may not even be the best thing in terms of healing for the AP .... BUT if the AP chooses to do it then no issue ... After all if the WS doesn't owe the AP anything then ditto the other way around ... I still don't recommend it however ... EXCEPT in the case where the AP needs to do it in order to regain some feeling of control over their life ... in which case, yes, I think it can sometimes be just the medicine the AP needs. And actually, if i was the BS .. i would bloody well WANT to be told .. don't care of by who !!!!! C
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