I am obsessing! This is NOT healthy..

[JennyLynn]

Okay, it's 3 in the morning, and I am up obsessing over whether or not my husband is having an affair. First, let me admit that I have always been the suspiscious type because my first husband cheated. I know it's not the right thing, but I have always been honest, even lighthearted about checking his phone call log, messages, etc...

 

Anyway, I noticed on our online call log that there have been numerous calls to the office manager of his company. There have always been calls, but usually they only last two to three minutes because she has to call him to dispatch him on service calls. These calls were lasting 35, 45, 55 minutes each. What the hell??? They started about 10 days ago, so it is fairly recent. I confronted him about it and he immediately said that he was helping her 19 year old son (who also works for the company) get through some issues with drugs. **I should also mention that my husband, in his wilder days, had a few issues with drugs and an older co-worker helped him to get back on track. ** Instantly, after he gave me his excuse. I hung up and immediately dialed the number. She answered and I asked her about it.....at first she was pissed and then she mentioned that my husband had been developing a relationship with her son, a 19 year old with no father figure. Her son doesn't have his own cell phone so he does use hers...blah, blah, blah. (My husband is 37 by the way.)

 

Then she began to tell me how she completely understood my questions...she would do the same thing.....any wife would have questions about it. Again, blah, blah, blah

 

Since this happened Friday, my husband has been the "wonderful husband" To the point that it's driving me nuts. He has assured me time and time again that he has not been unfaithful. That I am obsessing over this because of what I went through 12 years ago. Still, I'm not so sure. It just sounds so fishy to me.

 

I know I am becoming obsessed with this. And now that his paycheck only had 6.5 hours of overtime and I had figured 10 hours, I am REALLY OBSESSING. I'm totally not mentioning it to him. Still trying to determine what to do. I've got to decide what my next step may be. I definetly want to know if he is cheating. I am not the type of woman who sticks her head in the sand. But, I get physically ill just thinking about it.

 

I have been trying to twist this into a somewhat positive thing, praying to find a way to prove to myself that he is the faithful husband I have always known him to be, RATHER than praying to catch him doing it. Still, I know deep down in my heart that until I do some "sneaky peaky spying" I will not be sure.

 

So, what should I do to figure out the truth? Any advise would be greatly appreciated!

[AmIWrong]

I understand why your suspicious. If H had just told you RIGHT UP FRONT, and without you having to ask, you probably never would have gone there. He knows what you went through in your last marriage, so he should know that you need COMPLETE transparency in your marriage. If he doesn't know that, tell him.

 

The office manager confirmed his story, so maybe, just maybe, everything is what they're saying it is. If that's the case maybe suggesting to H that the three of you get together (you, H, and the son) so you can get to know him too, would help calm your fears. If he's getting that close to someone outside of your marriage and family, you should be a part of that IMO.

 

If you are not calmed by that, then whatever you do, don't speak another word of your suspicions to him. Maybe just plant a voice recorder in his car, or wherever he makes his calls from.

 

HTH!

[Krytie TV]

I find it rather convenient that he is helping her son just as he was helped. That happens once in a lifetime. I really believe it's a cover story, but who am I? Just seems odd that something that hardly ever happens would happen twice like that. It makes a good cover story because who would deny such a selfless act?

[Owl]

I'd suggest that he's not a therapist or drug counselor. And getting personally involved on ANY level is probably not the best course of action.

 

Suggest to him that his best way to help her would be to refer her and her son to professional help.

 

And recommend that keeing their relationship "business only" is probably what's healthiest for all of you in the long run.

[califnan]

I'm not a stranger to this - I learned (long after) how often she would call my husband seeking out advice on all kinds of (supposed) things..

 

My opinion is the calls are too long for the drug counseling bit ..

 

Don't loose anymore sleep, continue with your life .... but just keep your eyes open regarding this .. He knows he has been possibly caught.. The ball's in his court..

[Spark1111]

fBs here....just like you.

 

It's great to be helpful. It can make you feel important, sometimes too much so.....

 

Owl is correct on the importance of maintaining appropriate boundaries.

 

Most disturbing is WHY you were never told of how often and long he was helping this woman with her son.

 

I do not want to make you more obsessive or paranoid.

 

Do whatever you need to do to reassure yourself he is/has been truthful with you.

 

Maybe, a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) hidden in his car.

 

When did they speak of her son's problems?

 

My fWS's affair began the same way: A damsel in distress seeking help for her difficult child compounded by her mean xH who truly didn't give a hoot.

 

Dangerous territory as far as I am concerned...and becoming her Knight in shining armor was the biggest ego boost in the world for him.

 

Maybe you caught in just in time.

[Rabican]

Okay, it's 3 in the morning, and I am up obsessing over whether or not my husband is having an affair. First, let me admit that I have always been the suspiscious type because my first husband cheated. I know it's not the right thing, but I have always been honest, even lighthearted about checking his phone call log, messages, etc...

 

Anyway, I noticed on our online call log that there have been numerous calls to the office manager of his company. There have always been calls, but usually they only last two to three minutes because she has to call him to dispatch him on service calls. These calls were lasting 35, 45, 55 minutes each. What the hell??? They started about 10 days ago, so it is fairly recent. I confronted him about it and he immediately said that he was helping her 19 year old son (who also works for the company) get through some issues with drugs. **I should also mention that my husband, in his wilder days, had a few issues with drugs and an older co-worker helped him to get back on track. ** Instantly, after he gave me his excuse. I hung up and immediately dialed the number. She answered and I asked her about it.....at first she was pissed and then she mentioned that my husband had been developing a relationship with her son, a 19 year old with no father figure. Her son doesn't have his own cell phone so he does use hers...blah, blah, blah. (My husband is 37 by the way.)

 

Then she began to tell me how she completely understood my questions...she would do the same thing.....any wife would have questions about it. Again, blah, blah, blah

 

Since this happened Friday, my husband has been the "wonderful husband" To the point that it's driving me nuts. He has assured me time and time again that he has not been unfaithful. That I am obsessing over this because of what I went through 12 years ago. Still, I'm not so sure. It just sounds so fishy to me.

 

I know I am becoming obsessed with this. And now that his paycheck only had 6.5 hours of overtime and I had figured 10 hours, I am REALLY OBSESSING. I'm totally not mentioning it to him. Still trying to determine what to do. I've got to decide what my next step may be. I definetly want to know if he is cheating. I am not the type of woman who sticks her head in the sand. But, I get physically ill just thinking about it.

 

I have been trying to twist this into a somewhat positive thing, praying to find a way to prove to myself that he is the faithful husband I have always known him to be, RATHER than praying to catch him doing it. Still, I know deep down in my heart that until I do some "sneaky peaky spying" I will not be sure.

So, what should I do to figure out the truth? Any advise would be greatly appreciated!

 

You called your husband's boss? Did you stop to think for one of two seconds what that could do to you finanicially?

 

I think you already have the truth btw, but if your convinced otherwise then you stated what you have to do. "I know deep down in my heart that until I do some "sneaky peaky spying" I will not be sure."

 

But why bother? If you find him in an affair, what will you do? If you dont find concrete evidence that he isnt in an affair, then what will you do? Looking over your shoulder all day is no way to live, what is the point of being in the marriage?

[JennyLynn]

Okay, Rabicon I do totally agree with you about a marriage not being worth it if you have to look over your shoulder the whole time. I do need to clarify one thing though, she is NOT his boss. She is a glorified secretary who dispatches phone calls all day. NOT his boss. My whole point is that I don't want to have that type of marriage. I have always loved our marriage and loved how secure I felt with him. It makes me physically ill to question him.

 

I too find the "helping someone in my shoes" a little too convient of an excuse. Although I do agree with Rabicon's comments, I think I will take a day or two and complete my surveilance work. I've done some research and have figured out what I plan to do. I will be in touch....

 

Please keep the advise coming. I have not told anyone about this, so I cannot share with any friends or family. I don't want to bias their opinion of him based on unfounded accusations. This is the only place I have found to express my concerns and seek help.

[Fight4Me]

JennyLynn, I really truly hope you're wrong, but I don't know anyone who has followed their "gut" and been mistaken. At the very least, it's inappropriate.