Starting fresh tomorrow

[Gingertree]

i am new here but have been reading threads for a for a while. I just need support tonight. i am married with 3 kids but I have developed feelings for a friend of mine. He is single and is attracted to me and i am attracted to him. i try to forget about him but it's getting harder and harder to do that. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because I actually imagine myself with this guy sometimes but i'd never want to leave my family. I hate myself for feeling this way and I've decided to stop all contact with this man but I feel so anxious and afraid to take that step. i'm not afraid that it is the wrong decision because i know it's not. i'm just afraid of the feeling of loss. my friend has hinted that he would be open to an affair but whenever he says that i feel sick on my stomach because part of me wants that so bad and the other part wants my husband and family and everything to be back to normal. i wish i could erase him from my mind. any advice on coping once i cut ties? please be easy on me. i'm willing to do what it takes.

[Bryanp]

Maybe you should ask yourself what kind of man wishes to engage in a sexual affair with a married woman with 3 children and destroy her marriage and self-respect. He does not sound so wonderful me. How would you feel if your husband was thinking these thoughts about a female friend?

[SavannahSmiles]

Don't think about right now. Think about your future. You have read other posts here so you know the guilt will only get worse if were to continue a relationship with this friend. Guilt and nausea before an A is a good thing because it protects you from what could happen. If you can't live with it now, imagine how unbearable it would be after the line is crossed. In time you will get past this if you stop NOW. That's what you are doing right. Good for you. You said so yourself. This is the right decision so suck it up and keep making the right decisions until this friend is forgotten or at least not in the front of your mind. Give it time. Don't give in. When you feel weak, think of your H and kids. Think of the love and respect they deserve. You said you'd never want to give up your family. If you don't get away from this man, you will risk losing your family. See this for what it is. See this "friend" for who he is. In order to be free from pain, guilt, uncertaintly, you must let go of the source of it all - him. Once you let go,after some time, you see things more clearly. Be glad you are where you are today. You would not want to be posting a thread a few months from now saying you are about to lose your family because you made a stupid mistake.

[BB07]

If you don't read anything else here, go read this thread and then think about what you are contemplating. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t227790/

[whichwayisup]

i am new here but have been reading threads for a for a while. I just need support tonight. i am married with 3 kids but I have developed feelings for a friend of mine.

 

Just don't do anything or act upon those feelings. Focus on reconnecting with your husband. Get a sitter or drop the kids off at the grandparents house for an evening (sleepover) and go out on a date with your H. It isn't worth lusting over someone you can't have (you are married)and put yourself in a stupid situation where something will happen. Ask yourself this. Is ruining your marriage and possibly throwing it all away worth a night of passion with another man? Once you decide to go for it, you won't be the same inside. You won't see yourself in the same light as you do now. You'll always know inside that you betrayed your vows, your husband and if he ever finds out, he'll never trust you let alone look at you as he does now. Are you ready to lose all that? Stop and THINK about what you're about to do.

 

He is single and is attracted to me and i am attracted to him. i try to forget about him but it's getting harder and harder to do that. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because I actually imagine myself with this guy sometimes but i'd never want to leave my family.

 

Read above again. Then go read more stories in this section to see what YOUR actions will do to your H. Read the pain and heartache, how lives are turned upside down and devastation is felt all around. Again, is it worth hurting your H and turning your lives upside down for a guy you're attracted to? EVERYONE gets crushes and find others attractrive. That's a nice feeling, but don't ever act upon or put yourself in that situation where temptation is too much and you won't be able to say no. Just don't go there. Ever.

 

I hate myself for feeling this way and I've decided to stop all contact with this man but I feel so anxious and afraid to take that step. i'm not afraid that it is the wrong decision because i know it's not. i'm just afraid of the feeling of loss. my friend has hinted that he would be open to an affair but whenever he says that i feel sick on my stomach because part of me wants that so bad and the other part wants my husband and family and everything to be back to normal. i wish i could erase him from my mind. any advice on coping once i cut ties? please be easy on me. i'm willing to do what it takes.

 

Be honest with him. Tell him that the friendship is affecting you and your marriage, and you can't be friends with him anymore. Ask him to respect your wishes.

 

He's a grown man and KNOWS you are married with children so don't feel like you will crush him into a million pieces. Sure he may hurt but so what? Better to hurt his feelings abit then ruin your H and what you have with him. And, your kids, all of you as a family unit.

 

Get counseling. It'll help you understand why you allowed another man to get close to you and be so close to having an affair. Find out what's broken inside of you.

 

Talk to your H. Communication is so important. 3 kids, work, life, things get in the way of romance. Day in and day out routines, life can be boring.. If you and your H aren't connecting or spending any alone time together as a couple (not mom and dad, but as husband and wife) then that needs to change immediately. MAKE time for one another. DO the special things that keep you connected and intimate.

 

What you feel (intense crush, those new feelings that begin of every new relationship) about your OM is strong, but know that it's based on LUST and selfish feelings. Feelings that will hurt innocent people, your H and your children. Let alone, your own family, parents, siblings, inlaws. Imagine having to explain to them WHY you and your H are possibly divorcing (if you choose to cheat and then get caught). Could you face them?

 

Get busy and spend time with your kids and H. Bond as a family and do your best to stay in no contact mode with the OM. He is NO friend of yours. He is a cancer to your marriage, even more so since he has no problem in helping you cheat on your husband.

 

I hope you take in what I've said and what others are telling you.

 

The choice is yours. Remember that. If you choose to cheat, it's you're doing. Noone has forced you. Not your H, not any problems you might have in your marriage. Those are just justifications to DO it, but it's not a reason.

 

TALK to your H. If you have problems with him do marriage counselling together. TELL him how close you were/are to cheating. Maybe a wake up call is enough to get you both connected again and passionate.

[Gingertree]

If you don't read anything else here, go read this thread and then think about what you are contemplating. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t227790/

 

 

I haven't read the whole thread yet but I cried throughout reading a lot of it. The last part about the husband becoming violent is scary. My H told me a long time ago he would just tell me to leave and would never work anything out at all if I ever cheated on him. He said that's just the way he is. I wouldn't worry about him being violent. It's the part about feeling guilt and all the pain Nov-rain and her family have gone through is what brought on the tears. I'm not sure why I let myself go as far as I have but I've always been a very flirtatious person. My H has always dealt with that but just recently said it bothered him. I think all of my "over-friendliness" toward men has finally caught up to me. I've always had control but...

[ADF]

We can only police our actions, not our thoughts. Don't feel guilty for what goes on in your head. You'll only ned to feel guilty if you behave inappropriately. Frankly, you need to remeber you are an adult, not a teenager. Stop trying to make this easy on yourself and do what needs to be done.

[whichwayisup]

Please re-read my earlier reply to your post..

 

My H told me a long time ago he would just tell me to leave and would never work anything out at all if I ever cheated on him. He said that's just the way he is.

 

Yet you're so close to doing it anyway and losing all that you have in your life. Why? You don't have to answer here, but maybe it's time to consider counselling to sort yourself out.

 

I wouldn't worry about him being violent. It's the part about feeling guilt and all the pain Nov-rain and her family have gone through is what brought on the tears. I'm not sure why I let myself go as far as I have but I've always been a very flirtatious person.

 

Counselling. And, talk to your H.

 

Why do you flirt? Is it insecurity? An ego feed, a fear of not being attractivee to men in general and your husband isn't enough? Flirting is fun as long as there are boundries and lines you never cross. It seems in your situation it's leading somewhere and is going to cause horrible damage...

 

My H has always dealt with that but just recently said it bothered him. I think all of my "over-friendliness" toward men has finally caught up to me. I've always had control but...

 

Because he knows something is "off." His gut is telling him you flirting this time is different. He knows you! He's probably picked up on a certain vibe and energy you're letting off, due to the crush/lust thing you have going on with your so-called friend. Your husband isn't stupid.

 

It's time for you to get the flirting under control. I don't like the "But.." at the end of your sentence.

 

Don't let your hormones and heart take over. Use your head and put yourself in your H's shoes. Please.

[turnstone]

And kudos for recognising that you need to get a grip and looking for help with it.

 

But man up now, you're no longer a kid who can indulge her whims.

[Gingertree]

OMG. I'm sorry I didn't finish my thought on the last post but I had a minor breakdown. I just felt overwhelmed at the moment. I can't post right now but will later.

[Gingertree]

We can only police our actions, not our thoughts. Don't feel guilty for what goes on in your head. You'll only ned to feel guilty if you behave inappropriately. Frankly, you need to remeber you are an adult, not a teenager. Stop trying to make this easy on yourself and do what needs to be done.

 

 

Thank you! I'm so glad I came here. I have been trying to make it easy. Can't be done!

[JustJoe]

Ginger, you are far from alone in your feelings for someone other than your husband. WE ALL are attracted to someone other than our SO'S , at some point in life. Whether it's somebody at work, another parent at some school function, a former friend or lover, you can read 100's of posts about this. What matters is how we react to this attraction, and the choices we make. You have obviously chosen to stay in your marriage, so now everything you do should be based upon that choice. You must first sever contact with the OM, in a mature and adult fashion, then you must get some form of counseling, to understand why this attraction took place, and how better to deal with it, should it happen again. Communicate to your husband that your marriage is a work in progress and that both of you need to constantly maintain it, for it to work smoothly. It's not easy, but few things of value, in life, are easy. You've made your choice, now get to work to make it happen. I'm pulling for you and think you've done a great job , so far.:)

[kuma]

If you don't read anything else here, go read this thread and then think about what you are contemplating. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t227790/

 

That was one of the saddest stories I've ever read. Ginger, don't destroy your family. Affairs are not worth it.

[Gingertree]

That was one of the saddest stories I've ever read. Ginger, don't destroy your family. Affairs are not worth it.

 

 

I agree. After reading everyone's posts I have realized a lot about myself that I didn't want to admit before. First, I realize these are feelings of lust and have no place in life right now, Second, once I knew I was attracted to my friend, I should have limited my contact with him, Third, I flirt because I like the attention. My husband gives me enough attention and he says I'm pretty. This sounds like a lame excuse but flirting has always kind of been a part of who I am. I just never let it go over a certain line. That's where I messed up. I think opportunity came when I was feeling like i was in a rut of sorts in my life. The same old grind everyday... the stereotypical "desperate housewife." Rather than appreciating that everyday grind, I was resenting it.

 

I talked to my friend today and told him there is no way in the world I could ever have an A. I told him the guilt has already set in and I haven't even done anything physical. I told him, with certainty, that there is no way I could ever live with myself if I did that. He was very supportive (as OM can be I guess) Here's where I had a hard time. I didn't know whether to cut all contact with or not since he's not expecting an affair. Here are the thoughts I have that I think some of you will tell me: 1. Would my husband want me to ever talk to this man again? 2. Would my husband think it's ok to be this man's friend even if I lust after him? 3. Would I be playing with fire and fooling myself to even be in LC? 4. What I am trying to do is find the easy way out. NC is the hard way out, but the only way.

 

I'm being an honest as possible because it does no good to sugar coat anything going on right now. I'm at weird place right now. I know what I should do but I'm dragging my feet. I need someone to light a fire under my azz asap.

[whichwayisup]

No you can't be friends with him. This friendship is selfish and will cause problems down the road. Your OM IS willing to help you cheat on your husband. You two have discussed feelings, a possible affair.. Even though you've changed your mind, which is great to hear, a friendship would just be temptation for you.

 

I hope you're feeling better.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed would you want your husband staying in contact and talking with a woman who he finds attractive and a woman who wanted to have a sexual affair with him? I seriously doubt it. What is wrong with this picture? How can you be so foggy? Don't you realize how disrespectful and hurtful you are being to your husband and your marriage?

[ComputerJock]

1. She's easy and ready and willing to throw her marriage to the rocks for a quickie.

 

2. She won't tell her husband (unless he catchers her like november-rain).

 

3. She porbably won't divorce her husband and loose her kids and want to start a new life with him (why would he want a woman who has proven herself to be a cheater?)

 

4. It builds his ego up as he makes it a habit of hitting on married women who are looking for some side action.

 

5. He doesn't have to marry the cow/cows to get free milk.

 

Ask youself why isn't he married, is he a player and your a pawn in his game? If divorced was he caught cheating before.

 

Do you want your family, husband, kids and all your friends to know you are an adultress? And when it is found out as it will be, all your friends' husbands will be hitting on you as your a documented easy piece of a$$.

 

YOU HAVE EVERYTHING TO LOSE - HUSBAND, KIDS, BOTH HUSBAND AND YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND YOUR SELFWORTH. Is it worth it? No. Will you get caught? Yes. Will you hate yourself and be hated by others for the rest of your life? Yes.

 

Read the post from Betrayed Husbands and broken marriages. Then read the divorce blogs. You are at the edge of the clif, have an affair and you will wish you hadden't all the way down until you crash on the rocks below.

[kuma]

I'm being an honest as possible because it does no good to sugar coat anything going on right now. I'm at weird place right now. I know what I should do but I'm dragging my feet. I need someone to light a fire under my azz asap.

 

Let's say you decided to have an affair. There's a chance your H will find out anyway. You'll hurt him too much but he'lll eventually move on and find someone else. I have no idea what the future holds for you and your OM. IMO, it's stupid to end a good marriage over an affair. You have a nice husband who pays attention to you. Instead of having an affair, get a babysitter and have a date with your husband. Good luck.

[Windsurf66]

I agree. After reading everyone's posts I have realized a lot about myself that I didn't want to admit before. First, I realize these are feelings of lust and have no place in life right now, Second, once I knew I was attracted to my friend, I should have limited my contact with him, Third, I flirt because I like the attention. My husband gives me enough attention and he says I'm pretty. This sounds like a lame excuse but flirting has always kind of been a part of who I am. I just never let it go over a certain line. That's where I messed up. I think opportunity came when I was feeling like i was in a rut of sorts in my life. The same old grind everyday... the stereotypical "desperate housewife." Rather than appreciating that everyday grind, I was resenting it.

 

I talked to my friend today and told him there is no way in the world I could ever have an A. I told him the guilt has already set in and I haven't even done anything physical. I told him, with certainty, that there is no way I could ever live with myself if I did that. He was very supportive (as OM can be I guess) Here's where I had a hard time. I didn't know whether to cut all contact with or not since he's not expecting an affair. Here are the thoughts I have that I think some of you will tell me: 1. Would my husband want me to ever talk to this man again? 2. Would my husband think it's ok to be this man's friend even if I lust after him? 3. Would I be playing with fire and fooling myself to even be in LC? 4. What I am trying to do is find the easy way out. NC is the hard way out, but the only way.

 

I'm being an honest as possible because it does no good to sugar coat anything going on right now. I'm at weird place right now. I know what I should do but I'm dragging my feet. I need someone to light a fire under my azz asap.

 

There is no easy way out, u know it, so stop finding excuses or justifications, or support from other cheaters here

 

1. Would my husband want me to ever talk to this man again?

No! Why? Keeping a back door open for yr pussy?

 

2. Would my husband think it's ok to be this man's friend even if I lust after him?

No!!

 

3. Would I be playing with fire and fooling myself to even be in LC?

U know the answer right

 

4. What I am trying to do is find the easy way out. NC is the hard way out, but the only way.

The right path, is always a difficult one

[Gingertree]

Yay! Thanks for the hard words to read but exactly what I needed. I talked to my H last night about everything. He wasn't too surprised because he's dealt with my friendliness towards men for 12 years now. I've never let it get to the point that it did this time where I was contemplating an A. He was relieved that I haven't actually had an A, but he does know how close I was. I told him that I am willing to change - especially concerning my behavior towards other men. I told him and I will stick to my word this time, that I will have no contact with OM or ANY men other than family. I know this is going to be tough, but my family is too important to me to throw away for lust and attention.

[JustJoe]

Ginger, you've made a good start in your recovery, but you (both of you)also need to work on recovering the passion for your husband. That is the surest way to prevent this from happening again.

[seibert253]

Yay! Thanks for the hard words to read but exactly what I needed. I talked to my H last night about everything. He wasn't too surprised because he's dealt with my friendliness towards men for 12 years now. I've never let it get to the point that it did this time where I was contemplating an A. He was relieved that I haven't actually had an A, but he does know how close I was. I told him that I am willing to change - especially concerning my behavior towards other men. I told him and I will stick to my word this time, that I will have no contact with OM or ANY men other than family. I know this is going to be tough, but my family is too important to me to throw away for lust and attention.

 

I was going to suggest sitting down and telling your H everything, but you beat me to it. Great work.

 

Communication is key. Your H can't help you or be supportive, if he doesn't know what you're feeling. Talk to him. Be painfully honest. Tell him what he needs to hear, not what he wants to hear. The two of you will grow closer because of this.

 

It says alot about you, realizing your were teetering on the edge of disaster, seeing it for what it truly was, then turning around and walking away.

 

Now, you need to eliminate your "friend" from your life completely. NC for life. Eventually he will become a bad memory and your will realize what he truly is.

 

Focus your attention on your H and M, and it will prosper

 

Good Luck to you.

[porkinsjehosaphat]

Yay! Thanks for the hard words to read but exactly what I needed. I talked to my H last night about everything. He wasn't too surprised because he's dealt with my friendliness towards men for 12 years now. I've never let it get to the point that it did this time where I was contemplating an A. He was relieved that I haven't actually had an A, but he does know how close I was. I told him that I am willing to change - especially concerning my behavior towards other men. I told him and I will stick to my word this time, that I will have no contact with OM or ANY men other than family. I know this is going to be tough, but my family is too important to me to throw away for lust and attention.

 

I could get all "psychological" on you, look for root causes and such, but in reality you just sound like a very spoiled person who is taking their husband, marriage, and family for granted, and therefore you don't realize just how seriously you've already damaged your marital relationship. Even without actually having an A.

 

All the emotional energy you've been devoting to your "fantasy life" for your entire marriage, is wasted energy that could and should have been focused on your husband, your marriage, and your family.

 

You still talk as if not having an affair on your husband is some kind of a "sacrifice" for you to be making on behalf of your husband. Rather than as something you recognize is for your own personal benefit.

 

Go ahead and cram your face with junk food because it tastes good. Why don't you do that (if you don't)? Is it for yourself, or for someone else?

 

It's exactly the same thing with your marriage.

 

You've treated your h like cr*p at least in this respect throughout your m, as not good enough for you, he knows it, you know it, he even stated he wasn't surprised when you told him you were contemplating an A.

 

Don't be surprised if when the kids leave the home there is nothing left of your marriage and you get divorced, then you'll be free to screw anyone you want. If you don't want that to happen you need to get a serious attitude adjustment.

[Gingertree]

I could get all "psychological" on you, look for root causes and such, but in reality you just sound like a very spoiled person who is taking their husband, marriage, and family for granted, and therefore you don't realize just how seriously you've already damaged your marital relationship. Even without actually having an A.

 

All the emotional energy you've been devoting to your "fantasy life" for your entire marriage, is wasted energy that could and should have been focused on your husband, your marriage, and your family.

 

You still talk as if not having an affair on your husband is some kind of a "sacrifice" for you to be making on behalf of your husband. Rather than as something you recognize is for your own personal benefit.

 

Go ahead and cram your face with junk food because it tastes good. Why don't you do that (if you don't)? Is it for yourself, or for someone else?

 

It's exactly the same thing with your marriage.

 

You've treated your h like cr*p at least in this respect throughout your m, as not good enough for you, he knows it, you know it, he even stated he wasn't surprised when you told him you were contemplating an A.

 

Don't be surprised if when the kids leave the home there is nothing left of your marriage and you get divorced, then you'll be free to screw anyone you want. If you don't want that to happen you need to get a serious attitude adjustment.

 

Your words are harsh, and mostly you're telling me things I already know and have admitted. But ok, you can remind me again.... You're right about me being selfish. I have taken my H and M for granted. That's what I'm trying to change. I reflect on my behavior is here is what I came up with:

I made myself the center of the universe and started to resent my H for various reasons. I slowly changed my values and morals. I have justified a lot in my mind and have been the queen of denial. There's a term called selfism - the rules apply to everyone but me. Me, me, me, me, me. That's what it's been about. I have invested way too much time in another man. That was time I should have been using to make my M stronger. Believe me, I know how wrong I've been. I see it now. It helps to see it in black and white, and to see other's views. When I was caught up in my own little world, I didn't have to "deal" with what others would think or say. LS has made me take a good look at myself. My attitude is changing but I needed to start with telling my H everything going on in my mind. He hasn't been my priority but he is now.

 

I have decided to go NC with my friend, btw. That was just another silly state of denial I was in to think I could have LC with him and not be playing with more fire.

[Bryanp]

Good luck Gingertree. It really seems that you have seen the light and are sincere in making the right changes for the health of your marriage. Your new attitude will affect everyone you associate with and will have a very positive effect on your overall happiness. When you are doing good you feel good. I wish you the best.