Does he still miss me?

[September]

This was originally posted on the Infidelity forum, but on recommendation, it was suggested I post here also.....(thanks Jennie-Jennie )

 

My (long) story is;

 

I was a MW that had a very passionate and loving 18 month affair with a MM. We fell madly in love and constantly planned our future, we were leaving our spouses and starting a whole new wonderful and exciting life together. I was ready to leave my H in a heartbeat but MM wanted to wait and see his older teenage children achieve some milestones within a short period of time. He constantly promised me it would happen and begged me to wait for him.

 

He married at a young age and has been married for over 20 years. He always told me that he had never felt love like our's and that he had never experienced making love the way we did. His W was and still is, completely obsessed with her near adult children and spends all of her time with them. He said he always felt last on her list but was at the top of mine.

 

We were both caught at a similiar time by our spouses. My xH and I separated because of it but are now getting along better than we ever have. We both know that it is over between us. Our children are also much happier than they have ever been given that their parents no longer argue with each other. When my MM was caught, he was kicked out. He was devastated for the children but seemed to be so happy that we could finally be together. He himself got an apartment and told his W that he was in love with me and that he was wasn't coming home.

We had weeks of bliss, we were so happy. We had so much in common that he and his w didn't. He was finally able to enjoy doing all the things he wanted to do in life - with me.

His W did her best to emotionally blackmail him into coming home and she layed incredible amounts of guilt on him in relation to the children, a sore spot for him. In the end it worked and he went home 6 weeks after D-Day, telling me that he realised that he still loved his W. This was 6 months ago. I am still hurting incredibly and some days I get so angry that he led me to believe that we had a future together. I feel so duped by him!

 

On occassion, I have contacted him on our secret email address which I knew he still checked but to no reponse. I think he is terrified of me forwarding anything to his W. I have a tonne of emails from him professing his undying love for me and one's telling me how miserable he was at home (prior to D-Day). I have no intentions of making any contact with his W. I asked him to tell her bout the secret email account or to get rid of it and to stop driving through my area on his way home from work (my house is nowhere near his and I caught him many times). He recently told me through his work email that he cancelled the account but refused to let her know about it. In fact, he won't go into detail with her about our affair at all, he just clams up.

 

I hear on the grapevine that he still has feelings for me and that life at home is still very awkward and unpleasant. I am trying to get on with my life and haven't made any contact for 3 weeks.

 

The things is, I am curious to know if he would still miss me as much as I miss him and what would life be like for him at home. If there are any MM's out there that have been in a similar situation, I would appreciate some insight please...

[jthorne]

Cross posting isn't allowed, but you can request the Mod (Tony) move your original lost to the OW Board.

[BB07]

Of course he misses you, but as for the reasons why, well only he knows. The secret email account, him driving by your house, both of you are just waiting for the other one to make contact, and that's not good. You need to stop worrying about what he is thinking and feeling and get on with your life. I know it's hard, but you need to respect yourself and his decision too.

[September]

Cross posting isn't allowed, but you can request the Mod (Tony) move your original lost to the OW Board.

 

Thank you, I was not aware of that..

[jj33]

September I was involved with someone who didnt leave and continued to hold a torch for me for a long time. It was awful.

 

It doesnt matter whether he misses you much as you think it does. Im sure he does but how does that change your life?

 

Yes it makes you feel better but it also keeps you stuck mentally because you hope in some part of your heart that if he misses you and if he is miserable at home, at some point he will grow a pair and leave.

 

he might but try not to focus on that. Hard as that may be. Two years after it was over I was still getting the occasional email from him saying he was toying with the idea of leaving when the time was right (who asked??)

 

Maybe your situation will work out differently but you can waste a lot of time waiting and hoping and wondering and life is short.

 

And I must add (because I am in a bitter sort of mood about this today) that if ANYONES situation was going to work out against the odds I thought it was mine. I didnt expect him to leave while we were together it never would have occured to me that he would contemplate leaving due to various circumstances in his life. It was the fact that he was so clearly miserable without me and kept coming back and that HE kept talking about the obstacles he would face if he left (after it was over although I never ever raised the subject). He has grown children, is financially secure and would be if he left, we shared something that was unique for both of us and neither of us is young. A million reasons. And yet, and yet, he didnt leave. People who knew him who knew are to this day shocked he didnt leave as his marriage is known to be a shell based on material goods status and public image. But he didnt. he didnt choose love and happiness. I will never ever understand it. But that is the way it worked out.

 

Again your situation may work out quite differently than mine did, but there is no logic to it.

Edited June 13, 2010 by jj33

[joey66]

xMOM/MM/whatever here. In answer to the title question, yes, yes, YES! He still misses you. Absolutely, positively, without doubt, he still misses you.

[September]

Thank you JJ, you are so correct. I do sit around hoping and thinking far too much. I really am trying to move on but it is so hard. If you like, read my last response on the Infidelity board, it may give you more insight as to why I feel the way I do...

[bestplayer]

Thank you JJ, you are so correct. I do sit around hoping and thinking far too much. I really am trying to move on but it is so hard. If you like, read my last response on the Infidelity board, it may give you more insight as to why I feel the way I do...

 

ok so you were ready to dump your husband in a heartbeat & you did , but now MM says he loves his wife ? I understand why you feel cheated as after you broke up your faimly & kids , he too should do the same to his faimly & kids . right ?

 

I can't say weather he misses you or not but he misses the sex for sure

 

 

Best of luck

[September]

ok so you were ready to dump your husband in a heartbeat & you did , but now MM says he loves his wife ? I understand why you feel cheated as after you broke up your faimly & kids , he too should do the same to his faimly & kids . right ?

 

I can't say weather he misses you or not but he misses the sex for sure

 

 

Best of luck

 

Yes, I would have ended my marriage in a heartbeat because I felt nothing more for my husband and I loved my MM incredibly. I stayed in our marriage much longer than I should have, I should have left him years ago but I didn't and probably stayed for the children's sake.

 

That is his call if he should do the same as I did in leaving my xH but in reality he did do the same to his family, he participated in an affair also and has hurt them all very much. What upset me the most if the fact that he continually told me how much he loved me and couldn't wait to be with me forever and then did an about face. I feel if he really did love his W, he should have recognised that before he started a long and very intimate relationship with me...

[fooled once]

This was originally posted on the Infidelity forum, but on recommendation, it was suggested I post here also.....(thanks Jennie-Jennie )

 

My (long) story is;

 

I was a MW that had a very passionate and loving 18 month affair with a MM. We fell madly in love and constantly planned our future, we were leaving our spouses and starting a whole new wonderful and exciting life together. I was ready to leave my H in a heartbeat but MM wanted to wait and see his older teenage children achieve some milestones within a short period of time. He constantly promised me it would happen and begged me to wait for him.

 

He married at a young age and has been married for over 20 years. He always told me that he had never felt love like our's and that he had never experienced making love the way we did. His W was and still is, completely obsessed with her near adult children and spends all of her time with them. He said he always felt last on her list but was at the top of mine.

 

We were both caught at a similiar time by our spouses. My xH and I separated because of it but are now getting along better than we ever have. We both know that it is over between us. Our children are also much happier than they have ever been given that their parents no longer argue with each other. When my MM was caught, he was kicked out. He was devastated for the children but seemed to be so happy that we could finally be together. He himself got an apartment and told his W that he was in love with me and that he was wasn't coming home.

We had weeks of bliss, we were so happy. We had so much in common that he and his w didn't. He was finally able to enjoy doing all the things he wanted to do in life - with me.

His W did her best to emotionally blackmail him into coming home and she layed incredible amounts of guilt on him in relation to the children, a sore spot for him. In the end it worked and he went home 6 weeks after D-Day, telling me that he realised that he still loved his W. This was 6 months ago. I am still hurting incredibly and some days I get so angry that he led me to believe that we had a future together. I feel so duped by him!

 

On occassion, I have contacted him on our secret email address which I knew he still checked but to no reponse. I think he is terrified of me forwarding anything to his W. I have a tonne of emails from him professing his undying love for me and one's telling me how miserable he was at home (prior to D-Day). I have no intentions of making any contact with his W. I asked him to tell her bout the secret email account or to get rid of it and to stop driving through my area on his way home from work (my house is nowhere near his and I caught him many times). He recently told me through his work email that he cancelled the account but refused to let her know about it. In fact, he won't go into detail with her about our affair at all, he just clams up.

 

I hear on the grapevine that he still has feelings for me and that life at home is still very awkward and unpleasant. I am trying to get on with my life and haven't made any contact for 3 weeks.

 

The things is, I am curious to know if he would still miss me as much as I miss him and what would life be like for him at home. If there are any MM's out there that have been in a similar situation, I would appreciate some insight please...

 

why does it matter if he misses you? He chose his wife, not you.

 

Maybe it is time to let it go. You got played. The big mean wife 'blackmailed' him or 'made him' go home.

 

He went home because that is what he wanted. No one can 'make' another person do anything.

 

He chose her. He chose his family.

 

You need to let it go. So what if he drives by. So what if he didn't tell her about the secret email. So what if you have emails saying he loves you (PRIOR to DDay). He already told her about the affair.

 

Let it go. Move on. Either divorce your H or reconcile. But stop waiting for him to contact you. Stop worrying about if he has feelings or not. Even if he does, it doesn't change anything - he chose his wife.

[September]

why does it matter if he misses you? He chose his wife, not you.

 

Maybe it is time to let it go. You got played. The big mean wife 'blackmailed' him or 'made him' go home.

 

He went home because that is what he wanted. No one can 'make' another person do anything.

 

He chose her. He chose his family.

 

You need to let it go. So what if he drives by. So what if he didn't tell her about the secret email. So what if you have emails saying he loves you (PRIOR to DDay). He already told her about the affair.

 

Let it go. Move on. Either divorce your H or reconcile. But stop waiting for him to contact you. Stop worrying about if he has feelings or not. Even if he does, it doesn't change anything - he chose his wife.

 

Thank you for trying to make me aware of the things I had pretty much worked out. I am very aware that he chose his W and family, hence the reason he went back to them!

 

My question was and still is, if anyone has any insight as to how a MM feels when they return home and if they still miss their AP.

 

MM's return home for a variety of reasons, some for love, some for children, some for fear of financial factors. For him, I am very sure it is a mixture of all of these.

 

I do not want to reconcile with my xH and would not go back to him just because my A didn't work out. I fell out of love with him.

 

I came to this forum in the hope of receiving some insight, help and some answers that I didn't get from him. I want to move or more than anything. Letting go is very difficult. I did not come here to be crucified for what I did.

[whichwayisup]

xMOM/MM/whatever here. In answer to the title question, yes, yes, YES! He still misses you. Absolutely, positively, without doubt, he still misses you.

 

But that doesn't mean much at the end of the day, since he isn't leaving and divorcing his wife. All that does is give possible hope for her and a little ego feed knowing he does infact, miss her.

 

The guy has a right to decide, whether or not his wife forced him into it, or if he chose to work on the marriage for the kids sake, the years of history between him and his wife, their family, inlaws, friends etc.. Lot's of packages entwined and rolled into one unit. A family unit, and not too many want to lose everything, and start over.

[bestplayer]

Yes, I would have ended my marriage in a heartbeat because I felt nothing more for my husband and I loved my MM incredibly. I stayed in our marriage much longer than I should have, I should have left him years ago but I didn't and probably stayed for the children's sake.

 

That is his call if he should do the same as I did in leaving my xH but in reality he did do the same to his family, he participated in an affair also and has hurt them all very much. What upset me the most if the fact that he continually told me how much he loved me and couldn't wait to be with me forever and then did an about face. I feel if he really did love his W, he should have recognised that before he started a long and very intimate relationship with me...

 

September , I think you & MM both made a mistake by having an affair , but the difference is that you did not give a damn about your husband & dumped him in a heartbeat but MM decided to try to make the marriage work & not make his faimly suffer just because of his shallow affair .

 

I agree with you he did do the same to his faimlly what you did to your faimly by participating in an affair but you continued doing that , he didn't .

Best of luck

[silverplanets]

Hi September,

 

I think you've described perfectly the pain of the situation and the dilema's that it leaves one with .. I am only sorry that this perfection comes from having to live it.

 

With you in his life he was able to tell himself during bad times at home that he will leave or that "at least she loves me" ... so he has a ready made mental escape/personal cheerleader.

Now he can't say that then he has a big gap. He has to face everything on his own again - without his personall support team.

 

Add on top of this the physcial time and habits of you to then I would say yes, clearly there would be a gap in his life right now.

 

Does he miss you other than that, though? What do you think? As you say, is he by your side right now? What clearer answer do you need?

 

So I think he "has a space" that having you available fills .. so he feels that loss ... and that's why he wants to be friends ...

 

BUT .. he has told you (and shown in his actions) his boundries .. he is married and will remain so.

 

Therefore you have a choice - accept an Affair position or say no.

 

It's your choice and he doesn't have the right to "slide" you into it.

 

By sayign he wants to stay with his W he has also said (to you):

 

1) I intentionally/or un-intentionally (does it matter?) lied to you

2) I am not going to marry you

3) I am not gonig to be a real partner for you

4) My w is my priority but you can hang around if you want to

etc, etc, etc

 

So, ignoring the fact he is married, what would you normally do if someone told you the above 4 points?

 

As to the question of how can someone tell you with eyes open that they complely love you one day and then "change their mind" the next day, all I can offer is that I've learnt that there are people whom are ultimately convincing in what they say ... without necessarily thinking it through or meaning it.

 

There is a view that these people think they really do mean it when they say I love you. I'm not so sure .. nowadays I think what they are actually saying in their mind is "I love the way you make me feel about me" ... and they ARE truthful when the say that .. which is why it comes out so convincing.

 

be safe

Chris

[silverplanets]

 

It doesnt matter whether he misses you much as you think it does. Im sure he does but how does that change your life?

 

Yes it makes you feel better but it also keeps you stuck mentally because you hope in some part of your heart that if he misses you and if he is miserable at home, at some point he will grow a pair and leave.

 

 

 

I agree 150%

[silverplanets]

xMOM/MM/whatever here. In answer to the title question, yes, yes, YES! He still misses you. Absolutely, positively, without doubt, he still misses you.

 

Joey .. sorry .. think you are M, yes? .. so a question ....

 

Do you miss her (OW) MORE than you would miss your Wife/kids/family if you didn't see them???

 

Not being accusational or confrontational .. just trying to balance it for the OP ...

 

Apologies if the question comes across wrong ..

Chris

[joey66]

Joey .. sorry .. think you are M, yes? .. so a question ....

 

Do you miss her (OW) MORE than you would miss your Wife/kids/family if you didn't see them???

 

No, I do not miss her more than I would my W and kids. However, there was a time when I probably would have answered differently. (I'd have been wrong, though.)