elisa12 Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 (edited) I have been going on another relationship board. I posted about my marriage and basically in that post I said that I have feel like i have settled for my husband. I mentioned how I got married too fast and that I never dated anyone else before etc etc. The next day I get a direct message from a man saying that he could relate to me and that he was in the same situation. Then he sent me a friend request which I have accepted. He continues to email me and shares his problems with his relationship with me and invites me to share my problems. I just don't feel right about this. Am I doing something wrong. Should I cut off contact. I think part of me is doing this because I am still upset with my husband for viewing pictures behind my back of naked woman on-line just after I had a baby and not helping enough with the kids. I didn't start anything with this other man. He did. I have to be honest though the attention feels nice. He has been sharing with me that he has no passion or romance in his marriage and that it is like a business. He emails me frequently. He then told me that he noticed I kept my account open all day and asked if I was afraid that my husband would read my posts. I live in Canada and he lives in the US so there is no way in the world we would ever meet. Do you think he has ulterior motives here or is he just looking for a platonic relationship with someone who will listen? Edited June 13, 2010 by elisa12
Author elisa12 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 thank-you. so what I am doing is ok then?
Ronni_W Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 elisa, EVEN IF he did not start out with, or currently does not have any ulterior motives, that all can change...in a flash or gradually. If he hasn't already, he can become dependent-needy on you or read romantic interest where none is felt or intended by you. The same thing can happen to you, of course. You are already enjoying the attention -- which, nothing wrong with that, in and of itself. But crap creeps up on us when we least expect it; when we're feeling vulnerable; when there is a longer-than-usual period in our "real life" where we're feeling not special, unappreciated, ignored, unattractive, misunderstood, etc., etc. We can also end up getting 'hooked' on these types of seemingly "innocent" activities and relationships as a way of escaping and not having to deal with or make difficult decisions about the crap in our real life. You're not doing anything "wrong", per se. But you are engaging in very risky business. But I kind of think you know that already, yes? And it's not like there are no means of transportation between the US and Canada, eh? Hugs from a fellow-Canadian.
popey Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 You asked 2 questions. One is about his motives, and the other is whether you are doing something wrong. I'm not sure how much his motives have to do with the latter. You already said that you think you may be interested in corresponding w/ this new person b/c of your husband's dissappointing behavior. So IMO the real question is wether talking w/ this person is more likely helpful or hurtlful to you and your dealing with that issue.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 You already feel stuck just like millions of others in "settled for" marriages. I don't think this guy is coming on to you but it can't help but mess with your emotions because even though it's just words on a screen there is a real person behind it. That's what's so compelling about the Internet. You have to face your future--do you want is complicated by artificial relationships, do you want to cutthe cord with your hunny. There is no handbook on this s%*+.
Author elisa12 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 Ulterior motive? No way! He is just looking for a plantonic relationship and nothing more. I didn't realize you were being sarcastic. Anyways, no I did not create this thread for someone to pat me on the back. I was looking for honesty and I apprecaite your take on it Cinnamon2000. Although you could have been a little more constructive in your criticism. Contrary to what you believe I am not a horrible person. I am not taking away time from his wife. He emails me from work. I am not disrespecting my vows. My husband did that to me when he looked at naked women behind my back after I had spent 1 hr rocking my daughter to sleep. You should try to understand where I am coming from too. I have post-partum depression am on 3 different anti-depressants and seeing a psychologist to help with my marriage on my own. My husband refuses to got to counselling. I am overwhelmed with a 7 year old 2 1/2 year old and an unplanned 7 month old who I love. I guess I am looking for an escape from my life.
Author elisa12 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 I guess the best thing for me to do is just end it and to no longer reply to any of his emails. All I was asking for was litle understanding cinnamon but I guess everything is all black and white to you. I take it you have never had post partum depression?
Author elisa12 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 What's you're doing is 10X worse and more destructive than what your H is doing. He is looking at dead/nonresponsive/pre-recorded or photographed women, but you're interacting with a REAL man Ok sure so what he did was ok. He told me he is not that kind of guy never looks at other women , not interested blah blah. Its alright for him to lust after naked women behind my friggin back when I have just spent hours trying to put his kids to sleep? Making me feel like crap after having had my baby and making me hate my body even more than I already do, making me feel ugly and unwanted????. All of that is ok???? I DON"T think so. His actions have affected me so deeply that I am in counseling partly because of them.
BB07 Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Gee Cinnamon2000, ease up on her, maybe you are projecting something going on with your own life here, ya think? Anyway.....elisa12, what you are doing is very risky as someone else pointed out. It's dangerous, as you or him might form a emotional attachment and it's clearly an escape. If I were you....I'd cut the private messages and emails out. Nothing good can come out of it, just trouble. Hugs to you and I hope you are able to get through this difficult time in your life quickly.
xxoo Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Do you think he has ulterior motives here or is he just looking for a platonic relationship with someone who will listen? I think he has ulterior motives. You would be wise to cut out the emails and private communications. Ok sure so what he did was ok. He told me he is not that kind of guy never looks at other women , not interested blah blah. Its alright for him to lust after naked women behind my friggin back when I have just spent hours trying to put his kids to sleep? Making me feel like crap after having had my baby and making me hate my body even more than I already do, making me feel ugly and unwanted????. All of that is ok???? I DON"T think so. His actions have affected me so deeply that I am in counseling partly because of them. Your H did something hurtful. Looking at porn while you are in the thick of getting the kids to sleep is a crappy thing to do. Likewise, enjoying the attention of a married man online is a crappy thing to to. Don't make this a competition of "who is worse?" Do the right thing, and have high standards for your partner. It is difficult to hold your partner to a decent standard when your own actions are suspect. Have you talked to your counselor about this other man?
Author elisa12 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 I just don't get what his ulterior motives would be. He has no idea who I am. He has not seen any pics of me. Is it not possible that he just wants someone to talk to? Its not like we live in the same city.
Ann_Igma Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 I just don't get what his ulterior motives would be. He has no idea who I am. He has not seen any pics of me. Is it not possible that he just wants someone to talk to? Its not like we live in the same city. His motives may have started off (and may even still be) innocent - to talk with someone who is in a similar situation. However, it is a VERY slippery slope from where you two have started down to an emotional affair, and from there, it's a slippery slope down to a physical affair - ESPECIALLY while the both of you are experiencing rough patches in your respective marriages. I understand that your husband has hurt you, and that you do need people to talk to about this, but I would just advise treading VERY carefully as far as this man is concerned. It will be a lot easier to put the brakes on now, before you head over that precipice.
Ronni_W Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 Is it not possible that he just wants someone to talk to? Of course it is possible. But. What does that change, in reality? By your own admission, you are "looking for an escape from [your] life", and that makes it more important for you to get a handle on YOUR own motives for staying in touch with him (if that's what you end up deciding to do.) Of the approximately 6 billion of us on this planet, there is only ONE person who has the necessary insight and information to be able to authoritatively and accurately speak for this guy's motives -- all the rest of us would just be guessing. Obviously, do whatever feels best and most appropriate for you. If you need to know his motives to help you make your decision, then you will have to ask him. He is the ONLY one who knows for sure, about that.
jenifer1972 Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 I wouldn't trust the guy. Many people in marriages are engaging in emotional affairs on the net with people they have never met. I would only trust it it it were another woman wanting to contact you and share similar experiences. This is a diversion, however, from the larger problems at home. The problem with all escapes is that they end, and then you have to get off the ride and go home...
Tommy's Girl Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 elisa, EVEN IF he did not start out with, or currently does not have any ulterior motives, that all can change...in a flash or gradually. If he hasn't already, he can become dependent-needy on you or read romantic interest where none is felt or intended by you. The same thing can happen to you, of course. You are already enjoying the attention -- which, nothing wrong with that, in and of itself. But crap creeps up on us when we least expect it; when we're feeling vulnerable; when there is a longer-than-usual period in our "real life" where we're feeling not special, unappreciated, ignored, unattractive, misunderstood, etc., etc. We can also end up getting 'hooked' on these types of seemingly "innocent" activities and relationships as a way of escaping and not having to deal with or make difficult decisions about the crap in our real life. You're not doing anything "wrong", per se. But you are engaging in very risky business. But I kind of think you know that already, yes? And it's not like there are no means of transportation between the US and Canada, eh? Hugs from a fellow-Canadian. I totally agree with this. What starts out innocent can turn into a mess. Also, as a general rule, I don't think it's a good idea to discuss marital problems with another man - especially one that is also going through marital problems. Been there, done that and NOTHING good happens as a result.
Krytie TV Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 No offense OP, but you sound pretty naive. The problem I see is that this situation you're in could escalate and get messy before you even knew what was going on. Considering you can't read your own situation right now, I believe you're putting yourself in a bad situation (and can fail) by doing what you're doing. The difference between a cheater and a non-cheater is the latter don't put themselves in bad situations.
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