abouttoloseit Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Hi everyonoe. A long story short. Her first boyfriend, when she was 15 through 18. They both consider each other "best friends". They both grew up in Scotland, but both live in different countries now. Since being with my current gf, she has always refered to him as her best friend. Whenever he says he's going to be in Scotland, she seems to find her wayup there too either through family meetings or business. There has been 8 years since they split up. But they talk on skype all the time. I have only met him once. It has been the root of many fall outs in the past. And no matter what, she has firmly said he will always be a first in her life, he is like family to her. Her mother died a couple of years ago and he was there for her, as he was for other family fall outs etc. He has never taken the time to get to know me or want to know me, yet I've been with her for 9 months. I feel, just left out of the loop. She has gona back up to scotland. He will be there. My head is so messed up, I feel inferior. I dont even know what is right or wrong anymore. If this is all nothing to worry about. I know they are not sleeping together, I know this...but the whole thing is just irritating me. Help.
Cracker Jack Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Unfortunately, it seems like there isn't much you can do in this situation. He's a very special person in her life--and I doubt this'll ever change anytime soon. I mean, if you guys had arguments about this, yet she continued talking to him anyway, then that basically tells me she's more focused on maintaining her friendship than your relationship; if you really have a problem with what she's doing, that is. Granted, they might just be friends with no romantic feelings, but I seriously doubt it. If she makes it a point to label him as her "first", then there's still a ton between them. Sorry, man. I know the pain.
Bryanp Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I think it is pretty clear. She said that he will always remain first in her life. A relationship involves two not three people. It is time to move on and look for someone else who is not so hung up on someone else.
stace79 Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I agree with the above posts. For whatever reason, people seem to have forgotten that when you commit to someone, then THAT person has to come first. That's why in the marriage vows you say "forsaking all others". Love is a selfless act -- if she loves you and you're bothered by that friendship, then she should at least minimize it, i.e. not visiting him ALONE without you. If they are really friends, there is no reason she couldn't bring you along with her to meet him. The man I eventually marry will always come first to me, even if that means I have to end other friendships with males.
sugarbritches Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 You should always be first, if your not you are settling. Let her go.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 It has been the root of many fall outs in the past. And no matter what, she has firmly said he will always be a first in her life, he is like family to her. boom, there you have it. thats all you need to know. I'd get out while the getting is good. She basically just told you she'd choose his friendship over you any day. she isn't over him...friend's schmends. there is something still there. He has never taken the time to get to know me or want to know me, yet I've been with her for 9 months. thats because he doesn't want to know the guy that is currently close to her....its an ego thing. I feel, just left out of the loop. She has gona back up to scotland. He will be there. My head is so messed up, I feel inferior. with a so-called girlfriend like that I can see why. time to cut the cord. If he is always going to come first in her life, then that is major disrespect to you or any bf she finds herself with. they both are not over each other and for her to say what she said to you is totally lousy on her part. I dont even know what is right or wrong anymore. If this is all nothing to worry about. I know they are not sleeping together, I know this I don't think you know as much as you think you do. My money would bet that if he is first to her, he is first to her in more ways than one. He is first to her...and he is a guy that has had her in the intimate sense....you'd be naive to think absolutely NOTHING happens between them when they see each other. but I'll digress on that, the very point of letting you know you come in 2nd (or whatever place) to him says she doesn't respect you. I'd have told her to get out right then and there.
that girl Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Honestly, I think you are overreacting a little. You complain about not having met him in 9 months, but he lives in another country. I doubt you would even care if this was her BFF Sally who lives in Iceland. But you see him as competition. You complain about him never trying to get to know you, but have you tried? Could you have gone to Scotland to meet him and the family? You have no reason to think she is cheating. While they did date, they were teens when they dated and are now mid-20s. I've found that it is pretty common for people in that situation to be true platonic friends because you change so much in your teens the person you were with then is often not a good match. I recently went to a wedding where the Best Woman was not only the groom's high school girlfriend, she set him up with his now wife. But if you really cannot live with this friendship, you should end things. People have different boundries and that is okay, but I think some of the responses are going too far here.
FryFish Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I've found that it is pretty common for people in that situation to be true platonic friendsLol... that is because you are a girl and dont know how guys think... All your guy "friends" would do you if they could.
Windsurf66 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Hi everyonoe. A long story short. Her first boyfriend, when she was 15 through 18. They both consider each other "best friends". They both grew up in Scotland, but both live in different countries now. Since being with my current gf, she has always refered to him as her best friend. Whenever he says he's going to be in Scotland, she seems to find her wayup there too either through family meetings or business. There has been 8 years since they split up. But they talk on skype all the time. I have only met him once. It has been the root of many fall outs in the past. And no matter what, she has firmly said he will always be a first in her life, he is like family to her. Her mother died a couple of years ago and he was there for her, as he was for other family fall outs etc. He has never taken the time to get to know me or want to know me, yet I've been with her for 9 months. I feel, just left out of the loop. She has gona back up to scotland. He will be there. My head is so messed up, I feel inferior. I dont even know what is right or wrong anymore. If this is all nothing to worry about. I know they are not sleeping together, I know this...but the whole thing is just irritating me. Help. Hi, Many warning signs as I read your post. "He will always be the first in her life." Windsuf: Can you accept someone, who is a potential wife, to treat you as only number 2 and some other guy as number 1? Do you want to have through this agony for the rest of your life, after marrying her but your marriage to her is second to this guy? For me, a friendship with a guy above my marriage? NO ****ING BLOODY WAY!!! Her friendship with this guy is a potential recipe for a future affair, by the way, even if they are not sleeping with each other now. My advice is, treat your gf, as the name implies, a girl-friend, perhaps with some benefits. DO NOT, i repeat, DO NOT, i repeat again for the sake of your sanity in future, DO NOT marry her.
Windsurf66 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Honestly, I think you are overreacting a little. You complain about not having met him in 9 months, but he lives in another country. I doubt you would even care if this was her BFF Sally who lives in Iceland. But you see him as competition. You complain about him never trying to get to know you, but have you tried? Could you have gone to Scotland to meet him and the family? You have no reason to think she is cheating. While they did date, they were teens when they dated and are now mid-20s. I've found that it is pretty common for people in that situation to be true platonic friends because you change so much in your teens the person you were with then is often not a good match. I recently went to a wedding where the Best Woman was not only the groom's high school girlfriend, she set him up with his now wife. But if you really cannot live with this friendship, you should end things. People have different boundries and that is okay, but I think some of the responses are going too far here. You are obviously under-reacting Would you accept that your bf/husband treats you and your relationship as number 2, and some friendship with an ex as number 1? Naivveeeeeeee
Citizen Erased Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 It's not nice to not be number one. In fact it's plain insulting. Why are you with someone that refuses to make you first in her life? She can't let go of him because she loves him. You don't become best friends with an ex u less there is something there, sorry. Even if there are no feelings on her end, there certainly are on his. It's not appropriate to be "friends" with someone, when you're not single, to be close with someone that has feelings for you. In fact I'd Dump someone that did that. No thanks, don't need that drama.
stace79 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 It's not nice to not be number one. In fact it's plain insulting. Why are you with someone that refuses to make you first in her life? She can't let go of him because she loves him. You don't become best friends with an ex u less there is something there, sorry. Even if there are no feelings on her end, there certainly are on his. It's not appropriate to be "friends" with someone, when you're not single, to be close with someone that has feelings for you. In fact I'd Dump someone that did that. No thanks, don't need that drama. Agreed. My bf for a long time insisted that he wouldn't give up a friendship with his ex before me either. When I finally ended it with him because of that friendship, he realized I wouldn't put up with it. Now later, he has admitted he was still in love with her. Don't be fooled. There is a reason she won't let him go for you!
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