HurtinginTexas Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Has anyone ever had the MM leave a marriage of 20 or more years, or her leave him rather, then get divorced. Then when you finally had your shot to make a realtionship finally happen listen to him, and his ego go on about her and how it was his plan for her to divorce him, and on and on only to end up leaving you to go back to the exW..What happeend? Am I the only fool on here?
Author HurtinginTexas Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 Alot better. No more crying. Getting disgusted with myself actually. Maybe I never loved him as much as I had thought. I think I was stamping down in my stomach and heart everything he did over and over and trying to make excuses and explain away bad behavior. I am still in shock that I havent heard a peep and how he left while saying "I love you Im headed to the doctor" and disappeared and has moved away. But it was to be expected. I wasnt the fun OW anymore. I was down to start showing me that youll be making good on your promises and he wasnt interested. Now his focus is the exW. Its hurtful and humiliating. But one poster in another thread was right. He did me a wonderful eye opening service by leaving.
Author HurtinginTexas Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 I just wanted to say thank you to everyones wonderful and supportive advice. It seems I see alot read my posts and dont reply so I hope I havent offended anyone. I realize I became obsessive and ridiculous over this absurd human who has used me so much over 4 years and all that have commented have told me this over and over. I still need words of encouragement and hope you all have not become disgusted with me because I have allowed myself to be used and walked on and gave this man way to many chances. You all are like a family to me I appreciate that
ADF Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Has anyone ever had the MM leave a marriage of 20 or more years, or her leave him rather, then get divorced. Then when you finally had your shot to make a realtionship finally happen listen to him, and his ego go on about her and how it was his plan for her to divorce him, and on and on only to end up leaving you to go back to the exW..What happeend? Am I the only fool on here? I am a paralegal in a family law practice. I can tell you with some authority that MM almost NEVER leave their wives for the OW. Almost never. And it isn't necessarily because they love their wives more.They stay married because getting divorced is just too risky. Divorce is a brutal process that often leaves the MM bitter, exhausted and financially ruined. Dumping his OW is SO much easier than divorcing his wife. So that is what the majority of MM do.
seren Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I just wanted to say thank you to everyones wonderful and supportive advice. It seems I see alot read my posts and dont reply so I hope I havent offended anyone. I realize I became obsessive and ridiculous over this absurd human who has used me so much over 4 years and all that have commented have told me this over and over. I still need words of encouragement and hope you all have not become disgusted with me because I have allowed myself to be used and walked on and gave this man way to many chances. You all are like a family to me I appreciate that Hi, you are not ridiculous, foolish or absurd, you just gave your heart to someone who hurt it. It can be repaired, you can get over this, even when you think you cannot get any lower, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Cut yourself some slack, he went back because that's where he chose to be, nothing to do with you, what you did or didn't do, or who you are as a person. I hope you find peace. Seren x
Author HurtinginTexas Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 ADF If you read my threads he did get a divorce. She left him
Author HurtinginTexas Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 I am a paralegal in a family law practice. I can tell you with some authority that MM almost NEVER leave their wives for the OW. Almost never. And it isn't necessarily because they love their wives more.They stay married because getting divorced is just too risky. Divorce is a brutal process that often leaves the MM bitter, exhausted and financially ruined. Dumping his OW is SO much easier than divorcing his wife. So that is what the majority of MM do. He did get a divorce. She left him. He left me after 11 months to pursue getting exW back
BB07 Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I'm glad you are doing better HIT. Please stop raking yourself over the coals.....you've done more than enough for everyone here. Hugs.....
Moanin Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Divorce is a brutal process that often leaves the MM bitter, exhausted and financially ruined. Dumping his OW is SO much easier than divorcing his wife. So that is what the majority of MM do. I think this is precisely why men do not readily divorce...sums it up pretty well!!
pureinheart Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Alot better. No more crying. Getting disgusted with myself actually. Maybe I never loved him as much as I had thought. I think I was stamping down in my stomach and heart everything he did over and over and trying to make excuses and explain away bad behavior. I am still in shock that I havent heard a peep and how he left while saying "I love you Im headed to the doctor" and disappeared and has moved away. But it was to be expected. I wasnt the fun OW anymore. I was down to start showing me that youll be making good on your promises and he wasnt interested. Now his focus is the exW. Its hurtful and humiliating. But one poster in another thread was right. He did me a wonderful eye opening service by leaving. ((((((hugs))))))) HIT.....Wow...this was uncool...I can imagine that at first you got worried, then realised or got info concerning what really happened....yes he did you a service, although it still hurts....
Ann_Igma Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 I just wanted to say thank you to everyones wonderful and supportive advice. It seems I see alot read my posts and dont reply so I hope I havent offended anyone. I can only speak for myself, but I can say that you've not offended me at all. I read pretty much all the new threads that come up and then follow the stories that interest me. Yours does, because I feel awful for you for what you've been put through by this man. I don't reply, because I don't feel that I have enough experience or knowledge of a situation like yours to be able to give you any worthwhile advice or opinions. I do hope for the best for your situation, I just know that there isn't really anything that I can say to you which hasn't been said 10 times better by other LS posters already.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 Maybe I never loved him as much as I had thought. You did love him..But now you're abit more objective and can see the damage of loving him has done to you. An unhealthy situation, the affair, that rollercoaster ride. It's good you can feel anger and disguist. That's a sign you're moving along in the stages of grieving and beginning your recovery to moving on without him. You are strong! Remember that! There might be some bad days, but good ones will come along faster. Plus, the harder you work on not letting this kill you inside and be very proactive in keeping busy, not allowing yourself to dwell on things about him and MOST of all, put yourself down (no more of that, ever! It serves no purpose) ever again. Instead, pamper yourself and be around those who truly love and care about you and your wellbeing.
ADF Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 ADF If you read my threads he did get a divorce. She left him Yes, I understood that. I was making a general observation.
Fieldsofgold Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 I can only speak for myself, but I can say that you've not offended me at all. I read pretty much all the new threads that come up and then follow the stories that interest me. Yours does, because I feel awful for you for what you've been put through by this man. I don't reply, because I don't feel that I have enough experience or knowledge of a situation like yours to be able to give you any worthwhile advice or opinions. I do hope for the best for your situation, I just know that there isn't really anything that I can say to you which hasn't been said 10 times better by other LS posters already. a lot of times I read threads but don't comment because others, who know the background better than I do, have already made great posts, and all I could do is say, yes, I agree. Having been down the road a few miles, I have learned that the person you think you could never, ever stop loving under any circumstance, given the right conditions, can become the one you loathe. You are seeing things (him) clearer now, and that is good. Just remember that his problems are just that - his. It will get better for you.
lovinmylife Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 He did get a divorce. She left him. He left me after 11 months to pursue getting exW back i think thats what he is trying to say. apparently he was not the one to initiate the divorce. SHE had to do it. so it seems like he didnt really want the divorce in the first place.
piscis Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 I have been there, my MM did not divorces but left his W just for going back. I jusy want to tell you that you are a very strong person that has been through lots of things that will only make you stronger. I know this road is not easy at all but day by day you are going to be better. Sometimes I do not respond to posts but please do not be worried of people writing back I know that is the purpose but sometime you can relate just by reading or you are ashame to write back but of cuorse all the experiences here if you can relate or not it does not matter thaye help a lot of people. Good luck and keep going
skywriter Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 Hi HIT, I think I said he did you a service by leaving. NOw I can see from your post that you are beginning to see him for what he really is. "USER" I'm so happy to hear you are getting better and I hope things just continue to improve in your life. You aren't a loser either. We all make mistakes. I've made my own and am trying to put them behind me too. We're all a work in progress you might say. Big hugs, and best wishes.
Awakening Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 This happened with me. You need to stop agonizing and wondering why, why, why. At this point you just need to accept that it happened and build your own life. It gets so much better but in order to move on you absolutely have to let it go.
fooled once Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I just wanted to say thank you to everyones wonderful and supportive advice. It seems I see alot read my posts and dont reply so I hope I havent offended anyone. I realize I became obsessive and ridiculous over this absurd human who has used me so much over 4 years and all that have commented have told me this over and over. I still need words of encouragement and hope you all have not become disgusted with me because I have allowed myself to be used and walked on and gave this man way to many chances. You all are like a family to me I appreciate that When *I* read your posts, I see how much you are still trying to understand him. You can't and won't ever understand him. I also think you would take him back in an instant .... that you are still wanting to believe that you meant as much to him as he meant to you. I hope as more time passes, you can let it go. He made the choice. It really wasn't ever about you -- you could have been anyone. He is messed up - seriously messed up - in the head. He never emotionally divorced; which is totally different than legally divorcing.
WalkInThePark Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Has anyone ever had the MM leave a marriage of 20 or more years, or her leave him rather, then get divorced. Then when you finally had your shot to make a realtionship finally happen listen to him, and his ego go on about her and how it was his plan for her to divorce him, and on and on only to end up leaving you to go back to the exW..What happeend? Am I the only fool on here? 20 years is a very long time. If the MM married young, it is (more than) half of his life. My xMM is married for 23 years. Has known his wife for 30 years, since he was 17. Three kids, quite young, one disabled. He never lived alone, married from his parents' home. Wife is a SAHM. He tried to leave 4 years ago (not for me). Did not manage to do it. Met me, did not manage to do it. For him, his family (wife and kids) is a construction he made. Leaving them is blowing up this construction, in which he put so much time and energy. He can't bear the idea of not seeing his kids every day, can't bear the idea that his wife would not see them every day. Of course, this is his narrowminded view on things. An husband-wife relationship should be more than just being parents together and leading a family together. My take on this: marriage is a habit. Sometimes it is a bad habit but it is still a habit so it is very difficult to leave a habit you had for more than 20 years. Especially if you have never known anything else. Someone who has had several relationships, who married at 30 knows that you can survive on your own, that after one relationship there will be another one which might be a lot better. I think these guys are often the ones who eventually simply go live with another woman without divorcing, or who divorce after 45 years. Then everyone says that they did not see it coming but the guy was trying to get out of that marriage for years. In your case, I can only say that it must be very frustrating. You need to let it go. He has not emotionally divorced his wife. Most probably that is not because he loves her so much but because the relationship with her is symbolic for his youth, his past, his history. It does not mean that she is the best person for him. He needs to go through this process and has to do it according to his own timing. You can't do anything. You can only try to accept the situation and work on your own future without him. I found it very hard to accept that my xMM is not in a place where he can leave his marriage. We did however manage to be friends and I am very grateful for this friendship.
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