What do you want out of a relationship?

[Morals]

Think about that question...

 

"What do you want out of a relationship?"

 

I feel like it's a loaded question. Something that is said to placate people and make them feel like they are being introspective. I feel it's a big pile of horse manure.

 

The question itself brings up nothing interesting.

 

I want the same thing everyone else does: A person who cares about me, who thinks about me when I'm not there, who respects me and is honest to me, someone I can talk to about anything, and someone I enjoy having a good time with.

 

I have a feeling that some people on here might claim different, but I'm talking about full blown relationships, not FWB situations,ONS, or casual relationships.

 

I had someone ask me this question yesterday online (one of the dating sites), and I answered withe the usual: Someone who I enjoy spending time with. But it got me thinking that the question itself is an empty question:

 

What am I going to say? I want a person who doesn't care about me, and ignores all my messages? I can get that just by walking around in the city.

 

 

 

And this brings me to another point: What should one desire out of a relationship? Is my viewpoint skewed? Is it too naive? Is it too generic? I don't know.

 

Another thing about relationships: What I want out of a relationship has no bearing on what it takes to get into one. Standards and preferences usually have no bearing on what one wants out of a relationship. You see tons of people get into relationships with people they have mutual interests in, only for it to not work out.

 

At the same time: at what point do mutual interests have any bearing on a relationship? I mean, when you get past the intial infatuation phase of the relationship: what allows it to continue? Shared musical interests? Shared activities? Shared ideals? What allows a true relationship to foster? I see people including myself out there looking for someone that shares the same activities as them, and I ask myself...why? What exactly sustains a relationship past infatuious love and sex?

[paddington bear]

Interestig point, it is a vacuous question that everyone will answer similarly to.

 

I think the common interests thing is important not at the beginning, but in helping to sustain the relationship after that loved-up phase ends. That you both get enthusiastic and can share some of the same things together, be that fishing or going to see bands play.

 

However...they say that the people you will be hopelessly attracted to is set by the age of 3 and based on your parents or carers at that age. I think we've all felt at one point at another, a total attraction for someone who we have little in common with, which seems to make no sense. Perhaps this is to do with something familiar about them, their movements, or way of speaking that is lost in the back of the brain from our formative years.

 

I have a friend who is going through this dilemma at the moment. He keeps meeting people that on paper he should be totally attracted to. He is quite intellectual and clever, and likes word play and politics etc. The people he's met with the same intersts have not managed to spark off that magical something in him. Yet...one person did and they were not at all intellectual and they'd not much in common.

 

I told him the 'set by the age of 3 theory' and he mentioned that his mother was not the sharpest blade in the knife drawer, so perhaps while he thinks he wants an intellectual equal, feeling loved or intrigued however is triggered by a different type of person.

 

Sometimes we all think too much and should maybe go with the flow and with what feels right and makes us happy, rather than what we think is good for us.

[aerogurl87]

Shared interests, goals, and ambitions is what separates the short term from the long term in my opinion. With my ex, we had crazy sex and enjoyed each other but he was obsessed with this online video game (where we ironically enough met) and I wasn't. In the end, that coupled with more stuff was the deal breaker in our relationship. We were on two different paths and didn't match well. He wanted to play his game all day and I had a real life in the real world. Then with my current boyfriend, we have similar goals and hobbies. Such as both having an appreciation for reading, history, and talking about the most random things, and goals for the future like wanting to start our lives with someone in the next 2 or 3 years.

Edited June 13, 2010 by aerogurl87

[Feelin Frisky]

Consistency of positive personality (so I can learn and alter my behavior accordingly), ability to give trust when earned, inadversity to home-making (no maid service, sorry), she has to be a bold thinker and not some sumissive church rat, can't be a Republican or worse--a tea bagger, must give a **** about world realities and have something in common musically and artistically, to quote Clark Gable as Rhett Butler in "Gone with the wind": she needs to be kissed and kissed often and by someone who knows how (uh, that would be me), must not have strong smelling sweaty pubes so I can dine w/o dying of asfixiation, must have a good libido, give head and be willing to take cues.......

[Gentlemen_shadow]

There is always the "right" answer that everyone and their mom gives.

 

The first thing that comes to mind with me, is I want a friend. The closest friend I could ever ask for. I want someone that I can "hang with" and do all the stuff I love to do together.

 

The main reason I say this is I have a completely different view on the "little things" in a relationship than most I've asked

 

These things are not little! they are just common. I don't get why things that are needed every day of your life are not considered big things. Yes there are things that are big in life that are one time things but like what kinda music you like and what you like to do and how open minded you are and MUST be sexually comparable. GIven those things that most would consider little I'm pretty much happy

[Morals]

Interestig point, it is a vacuous question that everyone will answer similarly to.

 

I think the common interests thing is important not at the beginning, but in helping to sustain the relationship after that loved-up phase ends. That you both get enthusiastic and can share some of the same things together, be that fishing or going to see bands play.

 

However...they say that the people you will be hopelessly attracted to is set by the age of 3 and based on your parents or carers at that age. I think we've all felt at one point at another, a total attraction for someone who we have little in common with, which seems to make no sense. Perhaps this is to do with something familiar about them, their movements, or way of speaking that is lost in the back of the brain from our formative years.

 

I have a friend who is going through this dilemma at the moment. He keeps meeting people that on paper he should be totally attracted to. He is quite intellectual and clever, and likes word play and politics etc. The people he's met with the same intersts have not managed to spark off that magical something in him. Yet...one person did and they were not at all intellectual and they'd not much in common.

 

I told him the 'set by the age of 3 theory' and he mentioned that his mother was not the sharpest blade in the knife drawer, so perhaps while he thinks he wants an intellectual equal, feeling loved or intrigued however is triggered by a different type of person.

 

Sometimes we all think too much and should maybe go with the flow and with what feels right and makes us happy, rather than what we think is good for us.

 

I really wish I could go with the flow. Unfortunately I am in quite the predicament right now and feel like by making myself happy, admitting my feelings for a friend, I will be making her unhappy; (by putting unnecessary emotional pressure on her) because she is currently in a relationship that isn't working out that well. I guess I feel this way because it's not my place to "push in" while she is attempting to mend her own emotional life right now. On top of that she's my closest friend, and if this goes wrong...well needless to say it could make things very awkward.

 

Shared interests, goals, and ambitions is what separates the short term from the long term in my opinion. With my ex, we had crazy sex and enjoyed each other but he was obsessed with this online video game (where we ironically enough met) and I wasn't. In the end, that coupled with more stuff was the deal breaker in our relationship. We were on two different paths and didn't match well. He wanted to play his game all day and I had a real life in the real world. Then with my current boyfriend, we have similar goals and hobbies. Such as both having an appreciation for reading, history, and talking about the most random things, and goals for the future like wanting to start our lives with someone in the next 2 or 3 years.

 

You state that he wanted to play games all day long, and this coupled with other minor problems caused you to break it off with him. This is understandable. Everything in moderation of course. However you state that you "had a real life in the real world". It sounds sort of condescending. Despite the fact that he may have wasted time indoors, he did what he was enjoying. You did what you were enjoying. Now if you didn't have enough shared mutual interests I understand...but couples should have seperate activities that they both enjoy doing *alone* so that way they aren't ALWAYS together. That would just get annoying...

 

There is always the "right" answer that everyone and their mom gives.

 

The first thing that comes to mind with me, is I want a friend. The closest friend I could ever ask for. I want someone that I can "hang with" and do all the stuff I love to do together.

 

The main reason I say this is I have a completely different view on the "little things" in a relationship than most I've asked

 

These things are not little! they are just common. I don't get why things that are needed every day of your life are not considered big things. Yes there are things that are big in life that are one time things but like what kinda music you like and what you like to do and how open minded you are and MUST be sexually comparable. GIven those things that most would consider little I'm pretty much happy

 

I like this answer. I want a great friend, someone who talks to me and understands me, but also has a healthy respect of alone time within the relationship.

[that girl]

I think if someone asks you what you want out of a relationship on a dating site, they are looking to see where you fall on the casual sex/semi-serious relationship/marriage possible continium. I don't think it is any more complicated than that.

 

As for common interests, I think they are somewhat important. It is a rare couple who can make totally different interests work in a long term relationship (they have to be pretty independent minded). But I think some people (particularly men, but that could just be coinsidence) are too caught up in having someone who shares all their passions. Like I know a guy who ditched a girl after a few dates because she wasn't interested enough in sports, even though that is just one interest and if she matched well on the others it shouldn't be too big a deal.

[carmencrespo09]

I need care from my loved-one, because now she is far away from me, she's staying out of my country and hard to contact her. But recently I came to know that using voice chat is cheaper when compared to making ISD calls.