Does he still miss me?

[2long]

Sep:

 

Hopefully you'll realize at some point that an affair is NOT a "love story."

 

And yes, the OM was "in love" with you, but he clearly didn't love you. Likewise, he may not have been "in love" with his wife while sneaking around with you, but he clearly does love her.

 

Think about it.

 

-ol' 2long

[September]

Thanks for the answer...that does modify my advice a bit.

 

My thought was that if you were still married, you'd be best off working hard to change your focus to your husband, rather than MM.

 

Given that you're seperated, it causes me to want to know...what's your GOAL?

 

What do you want to do...reconcile your marriage, or give the relationship with MM a chance to resume?

 

The two are diametrically opposed. You gotta pick one or the other...or you make headway towards neither.

 

That's your first step. Pick your direction. Then, work on a plan to get to your goal. If you have questions about that plan, this place is great for that. Once you've got your plan...implement it.

 

But it all starts with making a choice.

 

I don't really have any goals at the moment, I suppose I am still in shock with his about face.

 

I have no interest in reconciling with my xH. I don't think he really wants to either. We get along so well now, so much better than did when we were together. Our children are also very, very happy. Our friend's cannot believe how well we have handled ourselves in relation to the affair and separation. My xH has been wonderful to me and our children. I have thought many times, should I try and work on it but there is nothing there. I don 't feel any passionate love for him and haven't for a long time. It wouldn't be fair to him anyway. He deserves to be with someone that truly loves and wants to be with him.

 

I would do anything to be with my xMM. I still love him very much. That being said, I would not enter into a relationship with him again while he was still at home. IF he ever decides that he wants to be with me, he would need to leave home and work out what he really wanted. I don't ever want to go through that hurt again.

 

At the moment, I am just getting on with my life but somewhere in the back of my mind I have questions, that I can't ask of him and that's why I have been looking for some insight here...

[2long]

My belief is that you can only be in love with one person at a time, but you can love many.

 

It is very common for people 2 believe that the feeling of being in love is the same thing as being loving. I think that's why it is so easy for people 2 fall prey 2 their own temptations.

 

To me romantic love is the most important thing in the world and I will arrange my life around it, to him it isn't. I believe he shares this with many other MM.

 

Romantic love is simply chemical. It isn't even love, really (though it is obviously a very powerful emotional state). And it isn't just "many other MM" who glimpse the truth - that love is a choice and not a feeling. These people have realized that they love their spouses because they share a long his2ry, have kids, built legacies, or just plain discovered just how rewarding it can be 2 be responsible for their own lives.

 

If you had read more of my posts you would have seen that I do not consider every WS to stay with the BS out of duty. But when there is as strong a love as in the OP, I find this to be the most likely reason.

 

Probably because of your definition of love, above.

 

-ol' 2long

[seren]

September, only the MM knows how he feels. No two A's, like no 2 M's are the same. I truly think that many WS say they are in love with the AP and believe it to be so until D Day and they are hit with the reality of never seeing their W/H again, never having family life again and just think WTF was I doing? I am equally sure that some MM fall in love with the AP and leave to start a new life.

 

When the OW looked for answers on D Day she simply could not believe that H had ended the A, thought he loved her and she was so very distraught. Fact is if he had loved her, been in love with her, wanted to be with her, then he could have just left. Perhaps not with my blessing, but without drama. He didn't so much as move on, he moved back into his M and worked his butt off to make it work (so do I).

 

Not all, in fact most BS have to beg for the WS to stay, it is usually they who are doing the begging, not all BS lay the blame solely at the OP door, they see it for what it was. I am sure that some WS miss the OP, but in my experience, if they wanted to leave, then they would.

I am not intending to say anything to hurt you, sounds like you are hurt enough. I hope you can move forward from this, but realise it is hard, especially without answers.

[tiffyb]

Hi all, I am a new poster and have been consuming a lot of posts in the hope of finding some answers.

 

My (long) story is;

 

I was a MW that had a very passionate and loving 18 month affair with a MM. We fell madly in love and constantly planned our future, we were leaving our spouses and starting a whole new wonderful and exciting life together. I was ready to leave my H in a heartbeat but MM wanted to wait and see his older teenage children achieve some milestones within a short period of time. He constantly promised me it would happen and begged me to wait for him.

 

He married at a young age and has been married for over 20 years. He always told me that he had never felt love like our's and that he had never experienced making love the way we did. His W was and still is, completely obsessed with her near adult children and spends all of her time with them. He said he always felt last on her list but was at the top of mine.

 

We were both caught at a similiar time by our spouses. My xH and I separated because of it but are now getting along better than we ever have. We both know that it is over between us. Our children are also much happier than they have ever been given that their parents no longer argue with each other. When my MM was caught, he was kicked out. He was devastated for the children but seemed to be so happy that we could finally be together. He himself got an apartment and told his W that he was in love with me and that he was wasn't coming home.

We had weeks of bliss, we were so happy. We had so much in common that he and his w didn't. He was finally able to enjoy doing all the things he wanted to do in life - with me.

His W did her best to emotionally blackmail him into coming home and she layed incredible amounts of guilt on him in relation to the children, a sore spot for him. In the end it worked and he went home 6 weeks after D-Day, telling me that he realised that he still loved his W. This was 6 months ago. I am still hurting incredibly and some days I get so angry that he led me to believe that we had a future together. I feel so duped by him!

 

On occassion, I have contacted him on our secret email address which I knew he still checked but to no reponse. I think he is terrified of me forwarding anything to his W. I have a tonne of emails from him professing his undying love for me and one's telling me how miserable he was at home (prior to D-Day). I have no intentions of making any contact with his W. I asked him to tell her bout the secret email account or to get rid of it and to stop driving through my area on his way home from work (my house is nowhere near his and I caught him many times). He recently told me through his work email that he cancelled the account but refused to let her know about it. In fact, he won't go into detail with her about our affair at all, he just clams up.

 

I hear on the grapevine that he still has feelings for me and that life at home is still very awkward and unpleasant. I am trying to get on with my life and haven't made any contact for 3 weeks.

 

The things is, I am curious to know if he would still miss me as much as I miss him and what would life be like for him at home. If there are any MM's out there that have been in a similar situation, I would appreciate some insight please...

 

 

 

 

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oh man..sounds so familiar. as the wife i can tell u that yes my husband still misses his lover and its been 8 months. sounds like i wrote this thread. for me it flat out sux

[September]

oh man..sounds so familiar. as the wife i can tell u that yes my husband still misses his lover and its been 8 months. sounds like i wrote this thread. for me it flat out sux

 

I am genuinely sorry that you have to go through this pain also. It's like a bomb that has gone off and demolished everything around it.

 

Please tell me your story...

[Snowflower]

Thank you for your kind words in relation to the 'bashings"

 

I just responded to your question but it didn't post so here I start again...

 

Yes and no. Nobody physically made him go home. I do believe that she certainly used the children and history to get him to come home.

 

For 6 weeks after d-day she never told him that she loved or missed him. She just plagued him with texts about what he was doing to the children (they are 18, 15 and 13). Her sister often sent vile texts to him about me and my kids and they didn't even know us. One of them referred to my innocent children as being c**ts. His eldest child sent him a horrible, nasty letter that you could tell was concocted by her mother.

 

MM's father left his mother for his AP many, many years ago. MM's sister hasn't spoken to her father for over 30 years because of it and they really used that card on him. Since his returning home, MM's eldest daughter still won't talk to him nor sit near him at the dinner table. For someone that wanted him to come home, she sure isn't making life any easier.

 

I think it was also for financial reasons. His w hasn't worked for 20 years, has a very comfortable lifestyle and they own their home. 2 weeks after d-day, she went to the lawyers and gave him a big list of financial demands. She was very worried that I was going to take away her material things. As far as I was concerned he could have given her the lot. I didn't want one cent of their money. I was always referred to as the gold-digging slut.

 

He told her all the time that he wasn't coming home and that he was in love with me.

 

He broke it off with me, close to Christmas. My 58 year old mother was in hospital terminally ill and I had to spend a lot of time with her. He had to go to a few school Chrismas functions with his BS. I think it was then he started to worry that he was going to miss out on these future events with the family. I know that she certainly reminded him that he would be.

 

So all in all, I don't really know. What do you think?

 

Well, no one can really say why your MM is staying in the marriage except for HIM.

 

But, does it really matter why he is staying? He is still there and not with you.

 

Like betrayed spouses (BS) are told all the time, don't put the blame on the AP, put the blame on the cheating spouse...well this is true in your case, as well...don't blame the BW...blame the MM.

 

From your post here, it seems like you are putting the blame on the wife for "making" him stay. Sure, she sounds like a piece of work but can you blame her? She had the rug pulled out from under her feet. Her life as she knew it is gone.

 

So as the BS is told all the time, blame the cheating spouse (MM in your case). No matter what she is doing, he isn't leaving. If he really wanted to leave, he would. No threats from her would stop him. He would lawyer-up with the best possible attorney to fight her threats of financially ruining him and he would proceed toward divorce.

 

He isn't doing this, so there must be more to the story. Or he is just too spineless to do what he needs to do.

 

Forget about him. Forget about what is going on in their marriage (because it really isn't your business anyway) and go on with your life.

 

It will get easier, even though I know it probably hurts. Think about...you've already gone 6 months and have probably made a lot progress in that time.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You got played for a sucker. Suck it up and keep it moving.

 

Good lord... You lost everything and he lost nothing, deal with it!