Does he still miss me?

[September]

Hi all, I am a new poster and have been consuming a lot of posts in the hope of finding some answers.

 

My (long) story is;

 

I was a MW that had a very passionate and loving 18 month affair with a MM. We fell madly in love and constantly planned our future, we were leaving our spouses and starting a whole new wonderful and exciting life together. I was ready to leave my H in a heartbeat but MM wanted to wait and see his older teenage children achieve some milestones within a short period of time. He constantly promised me it would happen and begged me to wait for him.

 

He married at a young age and has been married for over 20 years. He always told me that he had never felt love like our's and that he had never experienced making love the way we did. His W was and still is, completely obsessed with her near adult children and spends all of her time with them. He said he always felt last on her list but was at the top of mine.

 

We were both caught at a similiar time by our spouses. My xH and I separated because of it but are now getting along better than we ever have. We both know that it is over between us. Our children are also much happier than they have ever been given that their parents no longer argue with each other. When my MM was caught, he was kicked out. He was devastated for the children but seemed to be so happy that we could finally be together. He himself got an apartment and told his W that he was in love with me and that he was wasn't coming home.

We had weeks of bliss, we were so happy. We had so much in common that he and his w didn't. He was finally able to enjoy doing all the things he wanted to do in life - with me.

His W did her best to emotionally blackmail him into coming home and she layed incredible amounts of guilt on him in relation to the children, a sore spot for him. In the end it worked and he went home 6 weeks after D-Day, telling me that he realised that he still loved his W. This was 6 months ago. I am still hurting incredibly and some days I get so angry that he led me to believe that we had a future together. I feel so duped by him!

 

On occassion, I have contacted him on our secret email address which I knew he still checked but to no reponse. I think he is terrified of me forwarding anything to his W. I have a tonne of emails from him professing his undying love for me and one's telling me how miserable he was at home (prior to D-Day). I have no intentions of making any contact with his W. I asked him to tell her bout the secret email account or to get rid of it and to stop driving through my area on his way home from work (my house is nowhere near his and I caught him many times). He recently told me through his work email that he cancelled the account but refused to let her know about it. In fact, he won't go into detail with her about our affair at all, he just clams up.

 

I hear on the grapevine that he still has feelings for me and that life at home is still very awkward and unpleasant. I am trying to get on with my life and haven't made any contact for 3 weeks.

 

The things is, I am curious to know if he would still miss me as much as I miss him and what would life be like for him at home. If there are any MM's out there that have been in a similar situation, I would appreciate some insight please...

 

 

 

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[Bryanp]

I am sorry for you but you judge people by their actions and not by their words. When push came to shove he opted to stay with his wife and children which is why he continues to have no contact with you. You destroyed your marriage for a man who used you for his own emotional and physical desires (you also). The bottom line is he is back living with his wife and children and you have destroyed your marriage and are living single. What is wrong with this picture? I am sure he misses you and the sex but in the final analysis you were not that important enough for him to leave his wife and family. It is time for you to move on and try to repair your dignity and respect with your family and friends. I wish you luck.

[bentnotbroken]

No one duped you into anything. You knew he was a liar when you got with him. If he lied to his wife....you know the rest.

[jennie-jennie]

Unfortunately we see this way too often. Other things than love being important for the MM. I am sure he misses you and still loves you, but as for now he has chosen to stay in his marriage.

 

Depending on what effort he and his wife put into their marriage (and if he manages to get over you or not) their marriage will either be successfully reconciled or an empty-shell marriage.

[jennie-jennie]

You might want to post in the Other Man/Other Woman section instead. It is mostly betrayed spouses who post in this subforum. They are not going to look kindly at your relationship.

[bentnotbroken]

You might want to post in the Other Man/Other Woman section instead. It is mostly betrayed spouses who post in this subforum. They are not going to look kindly at your relationship.

 

 

My answer will be the same no matter where the post is. NO duping here.

[Ann_Igma]

Unfortunately we see this way too often. Other things than love being important for the MM. I am sure he misses you and still loves you, but as for now he has chosen to stay in his marriage.

 

Depending on what effort he and his wife put into their marriage (and if he manages to get over you or not) their marriage will either be successfully reconciled or an empty-shell marriage.

 

 

This sentence makes me see red.

 

What do you know about the BS and their M? Perhaps the WSis conflicted for other reasons or the M is in crisis for other reasons, and both spouses do have a lot of love for each other. Just because a WS can (and often does) love their AP it does not mean they can't also love their BS. You are making way too far stretched assumptions here. Very personally insulting to state anything at all about the WS's love for the BS.

 

And yes, I'm using your words from another post, because I'm just tired of the double standards.

 

As a BS, I don't run around saying that all OM/OW are evil and heartless, or that MM are doing nothing but lying to them as much as to the BS. I don't run around saying that all OM/OW are fooling themselves or being lied to or only with the MM because they're being competetive or suffering from low self esteem or any of that...

 

Why can you not extend the same courtesy and begrudge the fact that not every WS is only with the BS out of duty?

 

 

*****

 

So as not to go completely off topic, to the OP - I should imagine he probably does still miss you. Had the situation been reversed and he had left the M, he'd probably still miss his wife at this point. Either way, it's the end of a relationship, and either way, there is a mourning period for one of the two partners.

 

Whether or not missing you means he's made the wrong decision is another story, which only he can know. I have not been involved in a relationship as an AP, but if I am to base my opinion off past LTRs which I have ended, I can say that I did mourn the loss of the SO and missed them for quite some time but also still felt that I had made the right decision in ending the R.

 

As far as the situation from home, from my POV as a BS, I'm only 8 months out of D-day and I can say that our R is still more strained than it was before the A, but the bad days are becoming a lot fewer and farther between. I'd say maybe once every week or two, something will trigger me and I'll be upset and in tears, but my H and I sit down and talk and get through it - and those triggers have been getting more and more infrequent. Also, my H has started acting not only more like the man he was pre-A, but more like the man he was towards the beginning of our M (so far minus the poetry, though!). I'm sure that's not really what you want to hear in your situation, but bear in mind that every situation is different, and it might be completely the opposite for your MM.

 

I do think that you are best off not to focus on your MM, but instead focus on you and being as happy as you can be. If his reconcilliation with his W is not working, I hope that he does have the good sense to leave his M. And if you're still single and still have feelings for him, that's wonderful for both you and him. But there's always the chance that you will have by then moved on and found someone who has made you even happier - and that's wonderful too.

But the point is that in either of those two scenarios, it's all about YOU (putting yourself first and being happy) and not about him.

[September]

Jennie-Jennie, thank you for your insight, I will at your suggestion, also try the other post.

 

Ann Igma- thank you also for your honest and kind response.

 

Who knows what his life was really like before our A began, only they do. It is so common to read on here that MM do make their home life out to be not so great to their OW. It is almost like cheating MM were stamped at birth and given a guide on how to behave when they are caught, the patterns are just so similiar.

 

He has a friend that keeps in contact with me and has verfied that things MM told me were true about his marriage. He has also recently told me that MM is having to do all the work in the relationship to try and repair it, and that BS isn't, even though she wanted him to come home. His near adult daughter is also making his life hell apparently and still won't speak to him.

 

 

I don't doubt that MM does love his wife and has a long history that would be incredibly difficult to walk away from.

 

I still love my xH, but not the kind of love I had for him when we were first married. My marriage had a lot of problems and my husband chose to put me down all the time (it is something his whole family do to each other, a learned habit). Over the years he got worse and my passionate love for him began to dwindle. I met someone that was the complete opposite to him in every way. I chose to walk away from my marriage because I knew that ours was over and had been for a long time. It now give's my xH the chance to meet someone that truly loves and wants to be with him. Hopefully he too has learn't the mistakes from our marriage and won't be like that in his future relationships.

 

My father always told me that when you marry, your relationship is like a big strong boulder and when you put each other down, treat each other with disrespect or neglect your partner, you chip away at that boulder until all you have left is a pebble and that is when relationships become vulnerable. For me it was so true and that's why I ended up in a relationship with a MM. Even if he was single, I still would have been with him. I did not seek out a MM. So yes, there had to be something wrong or missing in his marriage for him to be with me for 18 months.

 

No matter what anyone says, I do feel duped. I was sold a story and promised a new life with the man I loved. He backed out when the s@#t hit the fan. I kept my end of the bargain. I know I went in there with my eyes wide open, knew that I was having an affair with a MM. We were friends for a while before the attraction got too much. We both struggled with our feelings for 6 months, knowing the possible repercussions. I will not accept any responsibilty for him entering into our affair, he could have said no, just as I could have but he didn't. I tried many times to end it with him but we couldn't. We were miserable without each other.

 

I do accept that he has gone home and that I have to get on with my life but there are times when I hope that he will return to me, NOT as a MM but as a single person. I would not even consider falling back into the trap of getting involved with him while he was at home.

[Ann_Igma]

 

My father always told me that when you marry, your relationship is like a big strong boulder and when you put each other down, treat each other with disrespect or neglect your partner, you chip away at that boulder until all you have left is a pebble and that is when relationships become vulnerable.

 

First, I just wanted to say that I think this is a very beautifully put and true analogy.

 

No matter what anyone says, I do feel duped. I was sold a story and promised a new life with the man I loved. He backed out when the s@#t hit the fan. I kept my end of the bargain. I know I went in there with my eyes wide open, knew that I was having an affair with a MM. We were friends for a while before the attraction got too much. We both struggled with our feelings for 6 months, knowing the possible repercussions. I will not accept any responsibilty for him entering into our affair, he could have said no, just as I could have but he didn't. I tried many times to end it with him but we couldn't. We were miserable without each other.

 

No matter what anyone says, you WERE duped. I know a lot of people will say something along the lines of 'well what did you expect when you got involved with a married man?' But the more I think about it, the more that just sounds like another way of saying 'I told you so' and doesn't quite help you in the present at all. The fact of the matter is that you were duped, and being duped is hurtful, and that will make your recovery time longer than it might have otherwise been.

 

 

What I will say that will hopefully be of some comfort is that I doubt you were intentionally duped. I'm of the opinion that quite a few WSes have some form of inner turmoil going on when they engage in an affair. You yourself seemed to be in turmoil with your marriage when you met your MM - and for you, the A highlighted that leaving your M was the right thing to do to allow you to have a happier future.

 

Don't get me wrong, I realise the above paragraph isn't going to be something that makes you jump for joy and shout garanga.. Again, as I've not been an AP, I can only base my opinion on relationships I've been in - and I tend to think that in a relationship, I'd be more hurt knowing that I was intentionally used or lied to than knowing that my ex just didn't feel something was quite right. Both hurt of course, but for me I find that it bothers me less if I know someone meant well and wasn't setting out to hurt me.

 

I do accept that he has gone home and that I have to get on with my life but there are times when I hope that he will return to me, NOT as a MM but as a single person. I would not even consider falling back into the trap of getting involved with him while he was at home.

 

I think this shows that you have got a lot of self-respect and strength to keep from allowing yourself to ever again be put in a position that has caused you pain in the past. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with holding on to a little bit of hope, so long as you don't let that hope doesn't turn into pining and doesn't keep you stationary or otherwise hold you back from moving forward in life.

[jennie-jennie]

This sentence makes me see red.

 

What do you know about the BS and their M? Perhaps the WSis conflicted for other reasons or the M is in crisis for other reasons, and both spouses do have a lot of love for each other. Just because a WS can (and often does) love their AP it does not mean they can't also love their BS. You are making way too far stretched assumptions here. Very personally insulting to state anything at all about the WS's love for the BS.

 

And yes, I'm using your words from another post, because I'm just tired of the double standards.

 

As a BS, I don't run around saying that all OM/OW are evil and heartless, or that MM are doing nothing but lying to them as much as to the BS. I don't run around saying that all OM/OW are fooling themselves or being lied to or only with the MM because they're being competetive or suffering from low self esteem or any of that...

 

Why can you not extend the same courtesy and begrudge the fact that not every WS is only with the BS out of duty?

 

It is late at night here, so I am tired, but I will write a short response.

 

I know my MM loves his wife, I have never said he doesn't. I do know that he has a different kind of love for her than he has for me though. Is that what you are talking about? My belief is that you can only be in love with one person at a time, but you can love many.

 

What I was referring to in the sentence that you bolded is something my MM has said. To me romantic love is the most important thing in the world and I will arrange my life around it, to him it isn't. I believe he shares this with many other MM.

 

If you had read more of my posts you would have seen that I do not consider every WS to stay with the BS out of duty. But when there is as strong a love as in the OP, I find this to be the most likely reason.

 

I have been the BS myself for many years. Do you really believe that I now suddenly would claim that my exSOs came back and stayed with me out of duty?

Edited June 14, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[Ann_Igma]

It is late at night here, so I am tired, but I will write a short response.

 

I know my MM loves his wife, I have never said he doesn't. I do know that he has a different kind of love for her than he has for me though. Is that what you are talking about? My belief is that you can only be in love with one person at a time, but you can love many.

 

What I was referring to in the sentence that you bolded is something my MM has said. To me romantic love is the most important thing in the world and I will arrange my life around it, to him it isn't. I believe he shares this with many other MM.

 

I just can't agree on that. I can very easily believe in your situation that your MM has only romantic love for you. I can believe that's the case in other As as well. What I can't believe is that the majority of WSes are the same - I'm more inclined to believe it's a fairly even split, and highly dependent on a lot of factors.

 

Obviously, my M is not the posterchild for healthy relationships that I once thought it to be, but if there is one thing that I don't doubt, it's that my H has romantic love for me despite his past affair - he's proven this time and again lately by word AND deed. Nor do I doubt that's the case for Spark, or Seren, or Owl, or any of the other posters who are currently going through fairly succesful reconciliations.

 

But like I said, I do believe that there are just as many WS whose romantic love lies more with the OM/OW - you and FA are two that immediately spring to my mind.

 

My point is that it's just not that black and white, and is just as possible to go either way. There are enough examples on here of both that it seems unfair to assume it's usually one or the other - and to me it just seems that in a lot of posts the last few days, that's just what's been assumed.

[jennie-jennie]

I just can't agree on that. I can very easily believe in your situation that your MM has only romantic love for you. I can believe that's the case in other As as well. What I can't believe is that the majority of WSes are the same - I'm more inclined to believe it's a fairly even split, and highly dependent on a lot of factors.

 

Obviously, my M is not the posterchild for healthy relationships that I once thought it to be, but if there is one thing that I don't doubt, it's that my H has romantic love for me despite his past affair - he's proven this time and again lately by word AND deed. Nor do I doubt that's the case for Spark, or Seren, or Owl, or any of the other posters who are currently going through fairly succesful reconciliations.

 

But like I said, I do believe that there are just as many WS whose romantic love lies more with the OM/OW - you and FA are two that immediately spring to my mind.

 

My point is that it's just not that black and white, and is just as possible to go either way. There are enough examples on here of both that it seems unfair to assume it's usually one or the other - and to me it just seems that in a lot of posts the last few days, that's just what's been assumed.

 

I have explained earlier that I am often a bit sloppy and not specifying that I am generally talking about "long term extramarital relationships with a deep level of emotional connection". I know there are many other kinds of affairs. I also believe that even this kind of long term EMRs can run their course and the MM decide to return and reconcile with his wife. Hopefully they will then put in the necessary effort to revive the marriage.

 

I believe in your case the affair was not "a long term extramarital relationship with a deep level of emotional connection"? (Could somebody please think up an abbreviation for this?)

[fooled once]

Jennie-Jennie, thank you for your insight, I will at your suggestion, also try the other post.

 

Ann Igma- thank you also for your honest and kind response.

 

Who knows what his life was really like before our A began, only they do. It is so common to read on here that MM do make their home life out to be not so great to their OW. It is almost like cheating MM were stamped at birth and given a guide on how to behave when they are caught, the patterns are just so similiar.

 

He has a friend that keeps in contact with me and has verfied that things MM told me were true about his marriage. He has also recently told me that MM is having to do all the work in the relationship to try and repair it, and that BS isn't, even though she wanted him to come home. His near adult daughter is also making his life hell apparently and still won't speak to him.

 

 

I don't doubt that MM does love his wife and has a long history that would be incredibly difficult to walk away from.

 

I still love my xH, but not the kind of love I had for him when we were first married. My marriage had a lot of problems and my husband chose to put me down all the time (it is something his whole family do to each other, a learned habit). Over the years he got worse and my passionate love for him began to dwindle. I met someone that was the complete opposite to him in every way. I chose to walk away from my marriage because I knew that ours was over and had been for a long time. It now give's my xH the chance to meet someone that truly loves and wants to be with him. Hopefully he too has learn't the mistakes from our marriage and won't be like that in his future relationships.

 

My father always told me that when you marry, your relationship is like a big strong boulder and when you put each other down, treat each other with disrespect or neglect your partner, you chip away at that boulder until all you have left is a pebble and that is when relationships become vulnerable. For me it was so true and that's why I ended up in a relationship with a MM. Even if he was single, I still would have been with him. I did not seek out a MM. So yes, there had to be something wrong or missing in his marriage for him to be with me for 18 months.

 

No matter what anyone says, I do feel duped. I was sold a story and promised a new life with the man I loved. He backed out when the s@#t hit the fan. I kept my end of the bargain. I know I went in there with my eyes wide open, knew that I was having an affair with a MM. We were friends for a while before the attraction got too much. We both struggled with our feelings for 6 months, knowing the possible repercussions. I will not accept any responsibilty for him entering into our affair, he could have said no, just as I could have but he didn't. I tried many times to end it with him but we couldn't. We were miserable without each other.

 

I do accept that he has gone home and that I have to get on with my life but there are times when I hope that he will return to me, NOT as a MM but as a single person. I would not even consider falling back into the trap of getting involved with him while he was at home.

 

This post is about September right? Let's keep it about her and HER situation.

 

Regarding his 'friend' telling you stuff -- it is no different than HIM telling you stuff. Do you really think he is going to take any blame? Do you really think he is going to say what a sh*thead he is, how he is lazy and disrespectful to his wife, etc. Come on - open your eyes.

 

Yes, you were 'duped' if you need to believe that but YOU willingly went into an affair with a MARRIED man. the relationship was built on LIES, so why is it so shocking when he lies to you? He betrayed his wife; why do you think he wouldn't betray you?

 

I am sorry you are hurting, but IMHO, you aren't a victim here.

[September]

Thank you again Ann_Igma for your kind words.

 

You are correct in summising that he probably didn't intentionally dupe me but that's how I have been feeling. I don't think he really knows who or what he really wants. He is a creature of habit and dislikes change of any kind. I just wish he could have worked it all out before he started a serious relationship with me and put all of us, including his family, through the emotional mill.

 

I go through so many waves of emotions from missing him dreadfully and pining for him and then being so angry and hurt. All of these emotions confuse me. It is a real roller-coaster of emotions.

[Windsurf66]

U felt duped? Aren't you with a cheater in the first place, and getting what you had asked for? You wanted a cheater and so now he cheats you. Whats the problem?

 

oh btw, you are a cheater yourself too. So dun expect a lot of respect and trust from yr OM.

[Owl]

To make sure that I've got it right...are you now divorced, September? No longer married?

[mryzenga]

As a betrayed husband I have NO sympathy for you. There is NO excuse for your actions or behavior, you both took a huge risk and repeatedly made selfish decisions to cheat in your marriages. It's wrong and could have all been avoided if you had the respect. By now you have have hurt more people than imaginable, so stop thinking about yourself, take some responsibility and get over it. Sorry but sometimes the truth just hurts.

[September]

To make sure that I've got it right...are you now divorced, September? No longer married?

 

We (my xH and I) have been separated for 9 months, not divorced as yet.

[September]

As a betrayed husband I have NO sympathy for you. There is NO excuse for your actions or behavior, you both took a huge risk and repeatedly made selfish decisions to cheat in your marriages. It's wrong and could have all been avoided if you had the respect. By now you have have hurt more people than imaginable, so stop thinking about yourself, take some responsibility and get over it. Sorry but sometimes the truth just hurts.

 

 

I did not ask for sympathy from you, nor anyone else. As I have repeatedly said, I went into this with my eyes wide open and accept full responsibility for my own actions.

 

I did not come here asking for repeated berating, I came here for help, just as you probably have. I am entitled to help, just as you are.

 

So for all of you potential posters that want to keep bashing me about for what I have done, please go and take it out elsewhere.

 

He who is without sin, cast the first stone.

[Snowflower]

I did not ask for sympathy from you, nor anyone else. As I have repeatedly said, I went into this with my eyes wide open and accept full responsibility for my own actions.

 

I did not come here asking for repeated berating, I came here for help, just as you probably have. I am entitled to help, just as you are.

 

So for all of you potential posters that want to keep bashing me about for what I have done, please go and take it out elsewhere.

 

He who is without sin, cast the first stone.

 

September, ignore the bashing posts. You're hitting a nerve with some of the posters and so they take it out on you...you remind them of their own situations with their CW and they aren't over it yet. So, they take it out on you.

 

Please keep posting, especially if you find at least some of the responses helpful.

[Snowflower]

 

 

 

His W did her best to emotionally blackmail him into coming home and she layed incredible amounts of guilt on him in relation to the children, a sore spot for him. In the end it worked and he went home 6 weeks after D-Day, telling me that he realised that he still loved his W. This was 6 months ago.

 

 

 

 

September, do you still believe this is true? Do you think his wife is to blame for making him go home?

[Owl]

We (my xH and I) have been separated for 9 months, not divorced as yet.

 

Thanks for the answer...that does modify my advice a bit.

 

My thought was that if you were still married, you'd be best off working hard to change your focus to your husband, rather than MM.

 

Given that you're seperated, it causes me to want to know...what's your GOAL?

 

What do you want to do...reconcile your marriage, or give the relationship with MM a chance to resume?

 

The two are diametrically opposed. You gotta pick one or the other...or you make headway towards neither.

 

That's your first step. Pick your direction. Then, work on a plan to get to your goal. If you have questions about that plan, this place is great for that. Once you've got your plan...implement it.

 

But it all starts with making a choice.

[Dexter Morgan]

I hear on the grapevine that he still has feelings for me and that life at home is still very awkward and unpleasant. I am trying to get on with my life and haven't made any contact for 3 weeks.

 

The things is, I am curious to know if he would still miss me as much as I miss him and what would life be like for him at home. If there are any MM's out there that have been in a similar situation, I would appreciate some insight please...

 

 

maybe your story and question would be better received in the OW/OM forum.

 

I have a feeling most in this forum who are dealing with the fallout of infidelity don't really give a crap whether the man you cheated on your husband with, and that betrayed his wife, thinks about you.

[September]

September, do you still believe this is true? Do you think his wife is to blame for making him go home?

 

Thank you for your kind words in relation to the 'bashings"

 

I just responded to your question but it didn't post so here I start again...

 

Yes and no. Nobody physically made him go home. I do believe that she certainly used the children and history to get him to come home.

 

For 6 weeks after d-day she never told him that she loved or missed him. She just plagued him with texts about what he was doing to the children (they are 18, 15 and 13). Her sister often sent vile texts to him about me and my kids and they didn't even know us. One of them referred to my innocent children as being c**ts. His eldest child sent him a horrible, nasty letter that you could tell was concocted by her mother.

 

MM's father left his mother for his AP many, many years ago. MM's sister hasn't spoken to her father for over 30 years because of it and they really used that card on him. Since his returning home, MM's eldest daughter still won't talk to him nor sit near him at the dinner table. For someone that wanted him to come home, she sure isn't making life any easier.

 

I think it was also for financial reasons. His w hasn't worked for 20 years, has a very comfortable lifestyle and they own their home. 2 weeks after d-day, she went to the lawyers and gave him a big list of financial demands. She was very worried that I was going to take away her material things. As far as I was concerned he could have given her the lot. I didn't want one cent of their money. I was always referred to as the gold-digging slut.

 

He told her all the time that he wasn't coming home and that he was in love with me.

 

He broke it off with me, close to Christmas. My 58 year old mother was in hospital terminally ill and I had to spend a lot of time with her. He had to go to a few school Chrismas functions with his BS. I think it was then he started to worry that he was going to miss out on these future events with the family. I know that she certainly reminded him that he would be.

 

So all in all, I don't really know. What do you think?

[September]

maybe your story and question would be better received in the OW/OM forum.

 

I have a feeling most in this forum who are dealing with the fallout of infidelity don't really give a crap whether the man you cheated on your husband with, and that betrayed his wife, thinks about you.

 

Thank you Dexter. I have now asked this question in OW/OM forum after advice from another poster. Since people are asking me questions here, I feel that I should answer them. Next time I know where I should start.