Affair Over...Now What?

[StoptheDrama]

Thanks for the vote of confidence... but I've got a long journey ahead. I just know that tomorrow at work I'm going to hear from him - a call, an email, an IM (he has already told me that he would be "checking up on me") - and I'm not going to know WHAT to do. My stupid, insecure self is going to think "aww, how sweet, he's checking on me".

 

My "stronger" (ha!) self tonight just realised - wait a &^$! minute... if he was REALLY sweet, he wouldn't have put me in this place in the first place. And even beyond that, where was his sweetness when I was nearly comatose this weekend? Laying in bed for hours on end, crying my eyes out, not eating, not wanting to move, to breathe, to think?? Where was his "concern" then?

 

I know if I bring this up to him, I'll get the "you know I couldn't call you over the weekend! I wanted to, but..." and then there would be some excuse. OR he will say that he "wanted to give me some space" or something similar.

 

All sounds good... but I can tell you that if my BFF found a way to get in touch with me from the other side of the WORLD because she knew I was hurting, then my MM should have been able to pick up the damn phone... am I right? I don't want to sound irrational, but it seems to me that if I knew someone was pretty much eviscerated by my actions, if someone had told me that I had hurt them immeasurably and that they weren't sure if they were going to be okay, and that they were SCARED of being alone for two days with their pain, their hurt and their anger - that if I REALLY cared, regardless of the situation, I would have found a way to make contact.

 

Ladies, am I wrong here? Even if he thinks I "need space", if he really cares, he would have found a way to check on me, right? I mean, for all he knows, I could be in the ER, or the crazy house, or curled up in the fetal position in my bathtub having suffered a nervous breakdown.

 

God, now I just want to punch his stupid face!!!

 

I need to hold on to this feeling tomorrow when I begin my NC. My biggest problem is that I will want to yell all these things to him and then get his response. But the problem is that his response - I am SURE of it - will somehow make ME feel like I'm in the wrong. I'm being needy. He's TOLD me that its over so why should I expect him to be calling? Or maybe he'd say that he thought my friends would be there for me, and that I need to have a life outside of him (even though he told me I shouldn't talk to my friends about the A and break-up because it would just "confuse" me). Yeah, I'm not sure of what he'd say except that it would be a doozy and I'd be left feeling like I did something wrong. He's very, very good at that...

 

Anyway, thanks again for listening. I've spent the day ranting and raving and you kind people have listened and tried to help. I am not sure about much right now, but I do know one thing.

 

I will NEVER, EVER, EVER be the OW EVER again. EVER. I'd honestly rather play Russian Roulette. Because it is essentially the same thing.

 

 

Sisyphus - You've gotten some great insight and advice regarding the end of your A. With regard to NC at work, I may be able to help you. Feel free to read some of my posts and you'll see I've been doing that for quite a while now. If you have to communicate with him at work, it is imperative that you continue to do so. Unless you want everyone to know something's up, you have to maintain the status quo. Now the best piece of advice I can give you is to limit ALL communication to professional ONLY. No "How are you?", "How was your weekend?" - NO PERSONAL COMMUNICATON. If he asks, ignore and continue with professional discussion.

 

Try to limit communication to email only if possible. Right now you don't want to hear his voice. It will be hard to deal with, make no mistake. You are hurt and you will most likely experience a roller coaser of emotions for a while to come.

 

I still work directly with my xMM and one thing that really helped me after I ended the A was to separate the man I thought I knew from the man I still work with. The man I thought I knew ('Good' twin) ceased to exist so I mourned his passing as if he had died. Now I'm left to deal with 'Bad' twin. Sometimes 'Bad' twin sounds and behaves exactly like 'Good' twin so it can get a little tricky but for the most part I've been successful with maintaining perspective.

 

Believe me, this will not be easy for you, especially at first. Prepare yourself for that. Every day you maintain NC is progress. It may not feel like it at the time but it is. In the not too distant future, I sincerely think you will agree with that.

 

Best of luck to you. If/when you need to vent or have other questions, do yourself a huge favor and do it here.

 

Again, no matter the medium, PROFESSIONAL COMMUNICATION ONLY.

[theodora]

Hey Sisypihus

 

 

Your statement about coming here and reading other people's posts and feeling like a cliche made me laugh so much. I did exactly the same thing!

 

I'm so glad ur feeling the rage. It's helping me feel it too. Who do these men think they are? They are ****ing cowards actually. You know? Just bulldozing round the world, getting their needs met wherever they feel like, and then crashing out again leaving emotional wreckage in their wake.

 

You know what really makes me think ur man has done it before? Telling you not to tell ur friends. This is EXACTLY what my MM told me. He told me straight out, don't tell anyone. (He's cheated loads of times b4, I kno for fact). He's skilled at it, he's very good at it, and this was the first thing he tried to establish. First time round, I told my friends. They hated him, they were against him. He was so mad at me for telling. Then some **** went down and we broke up, and when we got back together I didn't tell my friends cos I knew they'd be so mad at me.

 

And now, we broke up again....I've got no one to talk to. Can you imagine leaving someone else in that position? Doing that, knowingly to someone else? Leaving them, breaking their heart, so they feel broken and alone and asking them NOT TO TALK TO THEIR FRIENDS because it might affect YOU? I would NEVER do that to another human being. These men are unbelievably selfish selfish selfish selfish. It makes me :sick:

 

You are strong. I can tell that. You are so much better than this idiot guy who is selfish, needy, emotionally completely disturbed, and bigger than everything he is a coward. Because on one level, I believe he probably does love you. You're not stupid. Love is something you can feel. He wasn't "faking" it, he was just acting in the moment without any thought to the consequence.

 

But probably what he knows deep down is that you are a woman who won't put up with his ****. You're not a doormat. He won't be able to treat you like he treats his W. So ultimately, he doesn't want you. He needs her. Because she is someone he can walk all over. I bet you $1 million he has done this before, and I bet he will do it again. Question is, do you want him to do it to you? because that's what would happen if you got together.

 

This idea that it's all about the void in HIM is so helpful. Someone else keeps writing it, and it's really helping me understand my MM. He's a serial cheater, and I was still dum enough to fall in love with him lol. I still fantasise about him being "the one" and about how great our life would be together if only he would have the balls to leave her. But at least mine was honest and never told me he would leave (in fact kept reminding me of the opposite). So I've only myself to blame. If I was in ur situation right now, I would be seriously tearing my hair out with fury. FURY.

 

I want to come over there and kick his ass

 

Be strong. You'll get thru this. And I'm with you on the "never again". Yeah man. Never again. It's SO not worth it.

 

Lou

[sisyphus]

First off, thanks Lou and others for all of your insight. It means so much to have this community of friends.

 

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I didn't do so well with the NC today. In fact, I ended up spending quite a bit of time with my MM. And maybe I'm crazy, but it actually helped. I've finally stopped crying my eyes out which is a plus. I kept looking at him and feeling sorry for him if you ladies can believe it. I won't say it is always going to be easy for me - I know I'm giong to have bad days (I can just feel it). But it helped me to see him, to realize - much like that silly 80s movie Labyrinth - that he HAS NO POWER OVER ME. Well, that is, unless I give it to him. And I'm not planning on doing that.

 

I told him today that we can work together, but that I will never, ever, ever engage again in any kind of physical contact with him. The look on his face was priceless.

 

Anyway, I've realize that this is a journey that will probably take me a very long time to complete. I am so thankful to have all you new friends to help me along...

[Ellin]

Don't feel bad about not sticking to NC. The important thing is what works for you.

 

I don't like the idea of NC anyway, as I like to solve my problems being in the middle, not away from them. It works for some people, though - apparently.

 

You're coping well, Sisyphus, you're very strong.

[jj33]

Actually it was really good that you spoke to him.

 

You set boundaries.

 

You told him explicity - No more. The game is over.

 

You heard yourself say it to him which in and of itself is important.

 

You asserted yourself and stood up for what is best for you.

 

And you lived through it.

[jwi71]

Wow, wow, wow.

I have so much to learn and this is not going to be an easy process. What is it about being the OW that makes me spend so much time thinking about my MM and HIS feelings and HIS thoughts and HIS motivations?

 

Right...good start.

YOU matter. eff him (not literally ok...a figure of speech )

 

I've spent alot of today reading posts on this site (what a Godsend) and it hit me that I need to spend alot more time thinking about MY feelings. I'm so worried about instituting NC because I don't want to "lose" him. What a joke! Why am I so worried about losing someone who obviously does not care about me?

 

What a great question.

For you.

And only YOU can answer it.

 

I was used, and worse, I allowed myself to be used. I'm sure my MM felt something for me, maybe still does. But I allowed myself to be suckered in by his words and ignored his actions. He did do one thing that make me really think that he was serious about me, but his further actions negated that effort

 

You are forgiven.

Now forgive yourself.

It happens to everyone. Don't become a victim yet again by NOT learning from it.

 

What on earth did I do to deserve to be the dumping ground for this mess?

 

Whoa there Nelly.

If by this mess you mean the fallout of the A, then yes, you earned it. All actions have consequences and these are often the consequence of an A. However, we humans can turn a negative into a positive by LEARNING about yourself, A's, R's, and people in general. Keep going down this path. Its worth it (you come out 100000% better).

 

Why do I have to hurt?

 

Unrequited love sucks.

But its more, its feeling stupid when you are not. Its looking back and seeing the signs and thinking "How did I not see it coming". All very normal and very human responses. Happens to us all, myself included.

 

Again, great questions for you.

 

And I suspect the answer is you wanted to overlook it all so you did.

 

And we arrive at a really GOOD question...why did you want/need to overlook the obvious? What is missing in your life?

 

How can he sleep at night knowing he's lied - not only to his W and family, but to me as well - and to himself, too?

 

Selfish prick maybe?

Like I said, he has a good life, just a little bored.

A bit entitled. Arrogant.

You played a role in his life. But YOU didn't know it, you thought it was real. And it was real to you - and he fed you everything you needed to believe it. When the bubble burst so to speak all you thought you knew and believed turns out false.

BUT HE KNEW IT ALL ALONG.

Respect? For that?

NEVER.

 

We had an argument because he said at one point I gave him a look that made him feel like I thought he was just using me. I realize now that he got so upset because I may have hit the nail on the head... or close enough anyway. He said that look made him feel so guilty and hurt and upset, and how could I ever think that?

 

You say he is inept.

Exactly how the master appears.

No one ever sees a good liar or manipulator coming...BECAUSE they are good.

 

Ummmm.... because you're cheating on your W with me? And you tell me that you've fallen for me and that you're right on the edge of leaving everything you know - to be with me... and then you turn around say - basically - nah, never mind, I'm taking the easy way out?

 

As you have doubtlessly read, this phrase or some derivative thereof.

Its lies designed to keep you hopefully captive.

Disgusting isn't it?

We lost that respect yet?

 

It is helping so much to talk on this forum because I'm working my way through so many emotions. I'm getting angry now. Really, really angry. At him, at myself, at life. Mostly at myself though. For being so stupid. And for STILL caring about him. I am pretty sure he's not sitting at home crying HIS eyes out right now...

 

Its ok to get angry. ITs a perfectly natural human emotion.

But let it pass. The more this anger surfaces the more control of YOUR life you cede to him.

 

Deep breath.

Now let it go.

You aren't bad or horrible or miserable or nasty.

You made a terrible choice. A life altering one. But it needn't be ALL bad.

Accept the wrongs you did and forgive yourself of them.

Look back with clearer vision and understand the why's and hows.

Learn.

Be a better person.

Now, go out and have some retail therapy. Its not only good for you but the economy as well...

[Silly_Girl]

LOVE your post jwi71.

[Pink_orchid]

Hey Sisypihus

 

 

 

I'm so glad ur feeling the rage. It's helping me feel it too. Who do these men think they are? They are ****ing cowards actually. You know? Just bulldozing round the world, getting their needs met wherever they feel like, and then crashing out again leaving emotional wreckage in their wake.

 

But probably what he knows deep down is that you are a woman who won't put up with his ****. You're not a doormat. He won't be able to treat you like he treats his W. So ultimately, he doesn't want you. He needs her. Because she is someone he can walk all over.

 

 

 

Lou

 

I like this! In my life I have had a couple of men who I really loved (before I knew my MM) and they both ended up with complete dogs (sorry to be so mean, but they were). I couldn't believe one guy, he left me, I was young, intelligent (and beautiful at the time), and he went off with a women who was the local bike who'd slept with everyone, three kids off three different dads, unemployed, etc. He treated her terribly. She gave him money, sex, a home, dinner on the table and he played around on her. (Thank god I was rid of him). But what I couldn't understand was WHY, when he could have had me? I understand now; she was a doormat and put up with anything just to hang on to him. I honestly think that some men do just prefer an easy life with a doormat woman. Another guy I had a two year relationship with later moved in with a similar woman, I was shocked because he was good looking, had a good job, etc, and she was as common as muck! He played around on her too - in fact he tried several times to come back to me - when I met her I couldn't believe what she was like, yuk, swearing all the time and really rough looking. I told her what he'd been doing behind her back, sending me cards, flowers, texts, coming round to my house, telling me I'd always be the love of his life, and she just shrugged. Amazing. Another doormat. How can you compete with this? It does frustrate me that some men throw away (or can't deal with) a decent woman who expects loyalty and they would rather go with an easy ride (literally). Surely they can't have any respect for these women? I challenged my ex-lover about his behaviour; I said to him so you would rather be with a doormat even though it's me you really love; I expect decent treatment and you find that too much so you chose a doormat; he just walked out of the house and drove off. That said it all, I'd hit the nail on the head.

 

Sisy, back to you, I do think this man loves you but he's a coward. Has just chosen the easy life. Probably actually a very hard life. But easier to stay where he is than upset so many applecarts. He knew what he was doing and where it was leading and he led you on (mine did too) without really thinking about the consequences. It's true - who do they think they are, bulldozing through life leaving a trail of wreckage behind them, seemingly unaffected. I think deep down though they are very unhappy people. And not strong at all. We are the strong ones!

[Silly_Girl]

Sisy, back to you, I do think this man loves you but he's a coward. Has just chosen the easy life. Probably actually a very hard life. But easier to stay where he is than upset so many applecarts. He knew what he was doing and where it was leading and he led you on (mine did too) without really thinking about the consequences. It's true - who do they think they are, bulldozing through life leaving a trail of wreckage behind them, seemingly unaffected. I think deep down though they are very unhappy people. And not strong at all. We are the strong ones!

 

I am learning I fell in love with a coward. He couldn't take the prospect of a full-on, bare-all relationship. I believe that to do so would have meant facing things within himself he was not yet ready to face. I don't think this is a form of OW 'denial'. I have thought a lot about 'why? Why her and not me' etc etc.

 

I see my xMM as owning a long and beautiful, overgrown garden. He sits in the neat bit, the easy bit, near the house, in the shade. Little effort or demands are on him, and the end of the garden remains a mystery to him, overgrown and forboding. Now I... I would find a way to hack my way to the end, and I may not do it 'right' or be 'perfect' but I'd find a way. And I'd sit at that end and bask in the last lights of the evening sun. And feel proud that despite the (ongoing) hard work, I was reaping the benefits of my labours and had something to feel good about, and something to enjoy. I am not a 'sitting in the shade' kind of a person.

 

I am still young, and this may be naive, but I feel sure I would fundamentally rather be on my own, for ever, and searching for fulfillment whether within myself, or from others, than be in a relationship (as I have been) where I felt stifled, and empty, and lonely, and hopeless. The man in that relationship with me said he would have been happy to stay with me forever. In his words 'I have a lovely wife, a beautiful child, a home of my own and a job... what more do I want???'. And that pretty much summed up the difference between us. On paper everything was fine and the boxes were ticked. Yet he and I both knew, deep down, things were far from 'fine'.

 

My xMM clung to superficial, yet important (to him) aspects of his marriage, but to my mind gave up a whole world that he had barely started to explore. He's welcome to live in the shade, but he won't see me there. And no one will do that to me again, of that I'm sure.

[sisyphus]

Hi ladies. Yep I'm back. It's been a few weeks, and my plan for NC - well that didn't work out AT ALL. Since we had the big discussion about things "being over", I have talked to and/or seen him every day - well, except weekends. Because those are, of course, off limits.

Nothing physical has happened - but I swear that is only because there hasn't been an opportunity. We went to lunch a few times and there have been kisses here, hugs there, flirting, long discussions - the same as before. He even told me that he feels exactly like he did in the beginning - like he is falling for me all over again, and falling right back into the pattern.

I told him that even the fact that we are still "friends" is a form of cheating and that its not much better, and that if he was really trying to do the right thing, he wouldn't feel so strongly about us being so close all the time. That really seemed to throw him - but then he told me that he can't understand why he can't stay away from me.

 

To make a long story short, I wake up most days depressed because I cannot be with him. When I am with him, I am the happiest I've ever been, which makes it worse. He is so nice, and so sweet, and so wonderful.

 

I know what everyone will say, and I know I've become a cliche. I just don't know how to get out of this situation.

[Fight4Me]

A couple of red flags jumped out at me, but the only one I didn't already see addressed was how quickly he went from being totally head-over-heals in love and fantasizing about leaving his wife, to suddenly slamming on the breaks. After reading your first post, I had already figured he had done this before given the reasons others have provided, but this other red flag solidified it for me.

 

I would bet my life savings that his wife knows about his prior indiscretion(s) and that they're both supposed to be reconciling. She probably came very close to discovering this one, so he quickly dropped you like a hot potato until he felt the coast was clear. It would explain a lot of things, like why he didn't want you talking to your friends about this (they might encourage you to tell HR or his wife), and why he wanted to remain friends and check up on you (to maintain some level of control and placate you).

 

It sounds really awful and devious, but there are a million stories out there that describe just such a scenario. I'm actually quite concerned for you because should this be the case, you could end up getting thrown under the bus. You already said he is careless, so it probably is only a matter of time before his wife finds out, and the fallout could cost you professionally (at the very least).

 

I can't tell you what to do, but I would suggest you at least go over this thread from the very beginning and imagine if your sister or BFF had written your posts. Really soak up the advice from those who have gone before you. You really can do better and deserve so much more. Take care of yourself.

[scatterd]

Sorry you are hurting its better you get over him now then later.At one time his wife was the one he told he loved so much as he does you.Its easy to cheat when the real life has set in and the newest is gone.Its takes work to stay married no longer are you dating and wooing each other life is to busy but the love is deep and so much has been shared.True love is not only about sex and hearts beating hard as you do in the beginning every relationship loses newness and the people that cant except that will cheat for the lust.his wife probably has no proof of this and he does not want her to find out.Do you really want to be in her shoes some day?He will not change it will be the same thing with different players.You should be with a man that wants only you that knows what love is and shares it only with you.Its nice to think it is its is you he loves not the wife and he wont do that to me but that is not true.He will still not be fixed because he has the wrong idea of what love is.Love is knowing you can trust, love is worth working on when times are hard, love is more then sex its the bad the good and many different feelings.Both you and his wife are filling his needs thats what matters to him or he never would have cheated.You would never be able to trust him and the hurt you have now could be the big hurt his wife will have when she finds out he betrayed her and also all his family.Let him go before it gets more nasty lose the quitter and find the go getter you have already cried to many tears and wasted to many days for him.Love someone who loves you only life is to short for this hurt and in time you will see this is true but for now say good bye. big hugs and good luck:bunny:

[Fieldsofgold]

A couple of red flags jumped out at me, but the only one I didn't already see addressed was how quickly he went from being totally head-over-heals in love and fantasizing about leaving his wife, to suddenly slamming on the breaks. After reading your first post, I had already figured he had done this before given the reasons others have provided, but this other red flag solidified it for me.

 

I would bet my life savings that his wife knows about his prior indiscretion(s) and that they're both supposed to be reconciling. She probably came very close to discovering this one, so he quickly dropped you like a hot potato until he felt the coast was clear. It would explain a lot of things, like why he didn't want you talking to your friends about this (they might encourage you to tell HR or his wife), and why he wanted to remain friends and check up on you (to maintain some level of control and placate you).

 

It sounds really awful and devious, but there are a million stories out there that describe just such a scenario. I'm actually quite concerned for you because should this be the case, you could end up getting thrown under the bus. You already said he is careless, so it probably is only a matter of time before his wife finds out, and the fallout could cost you professionally (at the very least).

 

I can't tell you what to do, but I would suggest you at least go over this thread from the very beginning and imagine if your sister or BFF had written your posts. Really soak up the advice from those who have gone before you. You really can do better and deserve so much more. Take care of yourself.

 

I believe this is correct. Please think about this.

[Fieldsofgold]

Hi ladies. Yep I'm back. It's been a few weeks, and my plan for NC - well that didn't work out AT ALL. Since we had the big discussion about things "being over", I have talked to and/or seen him every day - well, except weekends. Because those are, of course, off limits.

Nothing physical has happened - but I swear that is only because there hasn't been an opportunity. We went to lunch a few times and there have been kisses here, hugs there, flirting, long discussions - the same as before. He even told me that he feels exactly like he did in the beginning - like he is falling for me all over again, and falling right back into the pattern.

I told him that even the fact that we are still "friends" is a form of cheating and that its not much better, and that if he was really trying to do the right thing, he wouldn't feel so strongly about us being so close all the time. That really seemed to throw him - but then he told me that he can't understand why he can't stay away from me.

 

To make a long story short, I wake up most days depressed because I cannot be with him. When I am with him, I am the happiest I've ever been, which makes it worse. He is so nice, and so sweet, and so wonderful.

 

I know what everyone will say, and I know I've become a cliche. I just don't know how to get out of this situation.

 

if you really, really, really want out of this situation, and you can't figure out any other way to get out, tell him you are going to tell his wife everything. This will do two things - you will see clearly how much he really wants you, and I am willing to bet he will go NC faster than a flash of lightening. And STAY NC, as long as the threat of telling his wife remains.

[cavedweller]

sisy,

 

Hmmmm, that boy is so smooth...A real charmer and talker...He has found which 'buttons' to push and is playing with you like a puppy...

 

Wake up young lady...You are in love and he is in it for only what is between your legs...

 

Time will prove me right...

 

You need to cut your losses now...

[cavedweller]

sisy,

 

That one is a 'freebie' from the cavedweller...I am not going to bill you for that piece of advice...

 

Good luck..I hope you can prove me wrong and make me eat my words...

[Fieldsofgold]

if you really, really, really want out of this situation, and you can't figure out any other way to get out, tell him you are going to tell his wife everything. This will do two things - you will see clearly how much he really wants you, and I am willing to bet he will go NC faster than a flash of lightening. And STAY NC, as long as the threat of telling his wife remains.

 

Just wanted to clarify what I said. Don't tell his wife. Just tell him you are going to. I am willing to bet he will end it with you very abruptly, but will want to "continue to be friends," so he can continue to influence and control you and keep you from "outing" him.

[sisyphus]

Again, thanks for all of the advice. There are so many things I find interesting about the responses I've received.

 

1) Nearly everyone is convinced my MM is a master manipulator. I'm not trying to defend him - especially since I'm really angry with him right now. I'm not arguing this point - I just am a bit shocked by it. I see how he interacts with other people in his life (personal and professional) and I would have never, ever called him a manipulator. If anything, he struggles to control his reactions and emotions. He and I are very similar in that other people frustrate us immensely and we often get worked up over how incomprehensible human behavior can be. I grew up in a family of master manipulators - both my parents should get gold medals in the sport - and so I pride myself on being able to recognize that kind of behavior. I've noticed it with previous boyfriends and female friends in my life. But I just don't see it here. I really don't believe he has any grand plan or is attempting to manipulate me. Its possible he's doing it subconsciously, of course.

 

2) The last comment (I'm horrible at how you quote on here, so I apologize) said something like if I threaten to tell the W, he will break it off abruptly and then beg to be friends. That comment threw me because that's sort of what happened - minus the threat of telling the W. Everything had been going along fine (well as fine as these things can go, I guess) and then he suddenly freaked out on me. I don't want to go into too much detail for reasons of my own privacy, but we happened to be somewhere alone and it was a SCENE. Crying, sobbing (both of us), fit for any Lifetime or Oxygen channel Movie of the Week. Him telling me that he is so torn, he doesn't know what to do. That he can't keep being two people, that it is eating him alive inside. He doesn't want to lie at home, he doesn't want to lie to me. He wants to be two places at once and he can't, etc etc. He kept saying that he had to stop things between us because he was on the verge of choosing and that it scared him because he wanted to choose me but he knew that was "wrong". There was alot more said, and alot more drama - but the gist was that he said everything had to stop. But - that he still wanted to be friends. When I said that I wasn't sure if I could do that, if I was that strong, he at first shut down on me completely with the whole "fine, if that's what you want, whatever" - and then later, when there was more crying (on both sides), he told me that when I said that, he acted that way because I hurt him so bad by saying that, and that he didn't want to lose me.

 

So its interesting that he reacted just like you said, but there was no threat of telling the W. HOWEVER, he was saying around that time that he was pretty sure that she knew something was up, but she couldn't figure it out, and that she was getting really suspicious. So maybe it just takes a threat - of any sort - to the existing structure to cause this kind of behavior?

 

3) I've been struggling this week because I've really been questioning the entire situation. I can't figure out anything. The PA has stopped - although I'm pretty confident that if we were ever alone together somewhere, it would start right up again. His desire for me hasn't waned - if anything its right back at where it started, or greater even.

What I don't understand is why he wants to be friends. I asked him and he said its because he loves who I am and cares about me and really wants me in his life. And that he likes me as a person, aside from all the A stuff, and that even though we can't be together, that doesn't mean our connection wasn't real. I sort of understand that part - while we don't have years and years of shared experiences, we do "get" each other as people, and have since Day 1. I immediately understood him and who he was and likewise. I have the same shared connection with him - reading facial expressions, not having to talk to communicate, etc - that I do with my best friend of 20 years.

 

But while I get all of this, I don't really understand it. It would seem to me that it would be easier for him to just walk away. Less drama, less hassle, less risk of falling back into the PA. He knows I will never tell his W. That's just not my style. So he has nothing to fear there. He also knows I won't tell our mutual friends, because that would serve no purpose except to bring their wrath down upon both of us. So its not like he needs to placate me.

 

If he was trying to continue the PA, I could maybe understand it - but he's not.

 

I'm such a mess! I think about him and my heart just aches. And then I get angry with myself because he's ONE person in the world and he obviously doesn't deserve me. Which is fine... until I think about him again!

 

I swear, if I ever get myself in this situation again, I won't be posting on LS because I will be too busy beating myself with a hammer!!

[SidLyon]

It's a strangely apt and interesting name you've chosen for yourself there.

 

Master manipulator and strategist, doomed to repeat the same behaviour over and over. Funny how much about your affair and your MM's behaviour is "textbook".

 

Best of luck with it.

 

 

 

Again, thanks for all of the advice. There are so many things I find interesting about the responses I've received.

 

1) Nearly everyone is convinced my MM is a master manipulator. I'm not trying to defend him - especially since I'm really angry with him right now. I'm not arguing this point - I just am a bit shocked by it. I see how he interacts with other people in his life (personal and professional) and I would have never, ever called him a manipulator. If anything, he struggles to control his reactions and emotions. He and I are very similar in that other people frustrate us immensely and we often get worked up over how incomprehensible human behavior can be. I grew up in a family of master manipulators - both my parents should get gold medals in the sport - and so I pride myself on being able to recognize that kind of behavior. I've noticed it with previous boyfriends and female friends in my life. But I just don't see it here. I really don't believe he has any grand plan or is attempting to manipulate me. Its possible he's doing it subconsciously, of course.

 

2) The last comment (I'm horrible at how you quote on here, so I apologize) said something like if I threaten to tell the W, he will break it off abruptly and then beg to be friends. That comment threw me because that's sort of what happened - minus the threat of telling the W. Everything had been going along fine (well as fine as these things can go, I guess) and then he suddenly freaked out on me. I don't want to go into too much detail for reasons of my own privacy, but we happened to be somewhere alone and it was a SCENE. Crying, sobbing (both of us), fit for any Lifetime or Oxygen channel Movie of the Week. Him telling me that he is so torn, he doesn't know what to do. That he can't keep being two people, that it is eating him alive inside. He doesn't want to lie at home, he doesn't want to lie to me. He wants to be two places at once and he can't, etc etc. He kept saying that he had to stop things between us because he was on the verge of choosing and that it scared him because he wanted to choose me but he knew that was "wrong". There was alot more said, and alot more drama - but the gist was that he said everything had to stop. But - that he still wanted to be friends. When I said that I wasn't sure if I could do that, if I was that strong, he at first shut down on me completely with the whole "fine, if that's what you want, whatever" - and then later, when there was more crying (on both sides), he told me that when I said that, he acted that way because I hurt him so bad by saying that, and that he didn't want to lose me.

 

So its interesting that he reacted just like you said, but there was no threat of telling the W. HOWEVER, he was saying around that time that he was pretty sure that she knew something was up, but she couldn't figure it out, and that she was getting really suspicious. So maybe it just takes a threat - of any sort - to the existing structure to cause this kind of behavior?

 

3) I've been struggling this week because I've really been questioning the entire situation. I can't figure out anything. The PA has stopped - although I'm pretty confident that if we were ever alone together somewhere, it would start right up again. His desire for me hasn't waned - if anything its right back at where it started, or greater even.

What I don't understand is why he wants to be friends. I asked him and he said its because he loves who I am and cares about me and really wants me in his life. And that he likes me as a person, aside from all the A stuff, and that even though we can't be together, that doesn't mean our connection wasn't real. I sort of understand that part - while we don't have years and years of shared experiences, we do "get" each other as people, and have since Day 1. I immediately understood him and who he was and likewise. I have the same shared connection with him - reading facial expressions, not having to talk to communicate, etc - that I do with my best friend of 20 years.

 

But while I get all of this, I don't really understand it. It would seem to me that it would be easier for him to just walk away. Less drama, less hassle, less risk of falling back into the PA. He knows I will never tell his W. That's just not my style. So he has nothing to fear there. He also knows I won't tell our mutual friends, because that would serve no purpose except to bring their wrath down upon both of us. So its not like he needs to placate me.

 

If he was trying to continue the PA, I could maybe understand it - but he's not.

 

I'm such a mess! I think about him and my heart just aches. And then I get angry with myself because he's ONE person in the world and he obviously doesn't deserve me. Which is fine... until I think about him again!

 

I swear, if I ever get myself in this situation again, I won't be posting on LS because I will be too busy beating myself with a hammer!!

[sisyphus]

Sid,

I think I hear common sense knocking at the door. perhaps I should answer??!

What is slowly dawning on me is that no matter how much I think my situation is "unique" or how no one will "understand"... truth is, I'm caught up in one of the oldest stories in the book, huh.

 

A positive is that due to some work things, a sort of involuntary NC has happened this week. And you know what? It sucks, but I'm still breathing. And it has actually given me space and time to really think. Not feel, not react. Now if I can just keep it up over the weekend, I may just get over the hurdle of feeling like I "have" to talk to him.

 

or maybe the boulder will roll right back down the hill and I'll have to start anew...

[flutterbykiss]

But while I get all of this, I don't really understand it. It would seem to me that it would be easier for him to just walk away. Less drama, less hassle, less risk of falling back into the PA. He knows I will never tell his W. That's just not my style. So he has nothing to fear there. He also knows I won't tell our mutual friends, because that would serve no purpose except to bring their wrath down upon both of us. So its not like he needs to placate me.

 

If he was trying to continue the PA, I could maybe understand it - but he's not.

 

I'm such a mess! I think about him and my heart just aches. And then I get angry with myself because he's ONE person in the world and he obviously doesn't deserve me. Which is fine... until I think about him again!!

 

You're starting to make such progress, Sis, but I can tell you're still confused and it sounds to me like you feel you need to understand 'why' in order to move on. It's understandable for you to wonder why he keeps persisting with this 'half in - half out' behaviour so I'm going to share an outsiders perspective.

 

1) YOU are a wonderful, genuine, caring individual who has given this man the benefit of your unconditional love. YOU are a rarity and a gem amongst humanity because you are CAPABLE of loving unconditionally.

 

This is obvious to me because, regardless of the disregard he shows for your welfare, the thought of him still sends you weak at the knees and you still find him to be sweet, and wonderful.

 

2) HE is not sweet and wonderful!!! He may be courteous, well mannered, gently spoken, charismatic, a fantastic date or an amazing lover, etc, etc but he is also a selfish, lazy, virus of a human being who harvests what he needs from the most convenient sources. He isn't prepared to put in the hard work and commitment and sacrifices it takes to develop one meaningful, fulfilling relationship so he takes some part of what he needs from two (or more) dysfunctional relationships. This is why he finds it so hard to part with you: you are providing something - either emotional or physical - that he needs and doesn't get from his wife and (I'm sorry honey) vice versa. He needs to keep you both close enough for him to be able to get his 'fix'.

 

You were right when you said he doesn't deserve you. I'm sure he has many wonderful and appealing qualities (or you wouldn't have fallen for him in the first place) but loyalty and fairness are not two of them. It might be a good idea to ask yourself if you really want a man who would rather find 'other accommodation' than fix the problems at home yet expects you continue to live in the wreckage.

[sisyphus]

Flutterbykiss -

Thank you for your candor. You are right - I am still confused. I don't know if I will ever truly understand the situation - but one thing is for sure. I will NEVER get myself into this kind of mess again... ever!!!

 

I think I need to just put my head down and trust my inner self - the one that KNOWS this is not a healthy situation and that KNOWS I'm better than this.

 

I'll keep you posted!